I have a sassy pair of jeans that showcases my butt in a delicious and succulent way. Yes...I didn't know I would talk about my butt so early in the season either, nor did I know that I would be describing it like a juicy turkey. But juicy turkey...it is. But there was a time in my Shazz world, when those jeans lay on a shelf, lonely...sitting there with their rhinestone butterfly pockets, taunting me with their lonely, jean cry, "Why Shazz, oh why have you forsaken us and our Fonzi-inspired coolness?" The reason? One day, they were too tight. Too. Tight. *gasp* Noooo! Yes. Oh yes. If I wanted to, I could have snapped them and ran stiff-leggedly, like Frankenstein and/or a toddler, propelled through the room on tip-toes, as if top-heavy and ready to careen into a wall. But through dilligence, and many, many, fuji apples, I managed to whittle myself from painted-on back to Fonzified. Who on this show is becoming Fonzified? Answer: all of them. Yes. If you look at their gorgeous faces week after week, the slimming is taking effect, and soon they too, will be comparing their behinds to mouth-watering poultry. Who hasn't? *chuckles* That's what I'm talkin' about. Come....let us see what has transpired.
First up are the joyous, magical updates from the ousted contestants. We are given an extra-special, Forest-Gumpy feel when we watch Matt’s run past some beautiful hay fields. The backdrop showcases his new thinness, because hayfields always scream “taught”. He has tons of confidence now, and doesn’t feel like he’s on a diet anymore. Au contraire mon frair, it is a lifestyle! So far, Matt's new lifestyle has netted him a whopping, 68 pound weight loss! Wee! And even his mother has quit smoking and hast lost weight too. Wundarbar.
Next up is Lizzeth, who is just as happy and excited as a puppy near a teat. The show has changed her life, because she now feels like she’s actually going to get to see her kids grow up. She’s gone from 167 to 156, and wants to be around for her parents. Her hair is long and lush, like Kling-on hair. Only pretty. Very, very, pretty. It waves in the wind while her family runs along the beach, and it is a metaphor for the free-wheeling spirit she now sports.
Everybody was Kung-Fu Fiiighting…that Cat was Fast as Lightniiing *spinning numchuks*
It’s time to get on with the happenings in the hizzouse, and first up is a post-elimination-night fight-fest. Now that the red-team’s Dave is gone, it’s up to Kelly Mac of the blue team to make up for the effenheimer shortage. And boy howdy…does she. She’s a feisty little champ when the red team comes upstairs, and accuses Ryan of saying, “let’s get rid of the girls” early in the show. Even though Ryan denies it, the red girls back her up and nod vigorously in agreement. Gary, on the other hand, is disgusted. He wants to know why the "h" Kelly has to talk about the ridding-the-show-of-girls plot. His response is sooo the guilty-party response. Why? In order to deflect attention from the non-delicous thing he did, he goes on the attack because she spotlighted it. The Emporer has no clothes, and curse be the one that points the finger at his naked, jiggly form. Classic, defense technique. Kelly gets harsh and nasty and non-good back, attacking his attack with more attacking. *head spins* She tells him this has nothing to do with him, while Gary insists it does. She says she never brought up his name, but he doesn't care, he says he's being attacked indirectly. How? By merely mentioning that Ryan is not the only man who’s done the plot-against-the-girls trick. Kelly, sweetly and demurely [/sarcasm] tells him to "calm the *bleep* down." Ahh..the money word. The F dash dash dash word. Gary, wounded, calms the *bleep* down, but only after Kelly tells him to drop it. Ahh..the feel-good love of "drop it". It warms my cockles.
It’s time for Jillian to go ape again. (“Goin’ Ape” = does that not sound like a campy 60’s beach movie, potentially starring Annette Funicello and/or Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor (in full, supreme robes..heh heh)? Where the plot surrounds bikinis so enormous, one could wear them to casual Fridays in the office? I suggest: yes.) Anyhow, Jillian brings on her biggest challenge yet. 500 of everything ugly for the day. 500 sit-ups, squats, push-ups, lunges, and other yucko things. The red peeps rightly whine, while Jillian tells them to shut their pie holes. She doesn’t care how they do it, if they spread it out or what not, she just wants it done. Kelly says it’s a Jedi mind trick and suddenly stares off, “these aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” We’re shown footage of the girls grunting and sweating their way through hideous lunges (my personal, least favorite) and other horrible things. Lisa asks if they can do crunches instead, and Jillian heartlessly says, “no.” Lisa, "does this (sit-up) count?" Jillian: "no". Lisa says her abs are killing her, but Jillian doesn't give a poo, as she is not a poo-giver. Lisa cries, and says she needs a break, and this is the last straw, as Jillian's eyes suddenly glow red and her voice becomes gutteral and Linda Blair-like, "NO WAY" her sudden man/demon voice emits. In the end, Lisa is proud of all, and Jillian Jekyll’s back into Super Support Trainer (not a bra), and hugs them all.
In the kitchen, the blue team guns for the non-present Mo. Kelly saw him eat sausages that morning, and as far as she’s concerned, sausage consumption = the kiss of death. Bye bye, sausage boy. <---sounds obscene, he he he. Gary thinks it’s lovely that he and the girls can recover so quickly from arguments, and feels delighted and safe when Kelly tells him he's staying. Kelly says that as long as Gary doesn't go crazy again, he ain't goin' home. Gary trusts the girls, and all feel satiated.
The Mo-ster finally arrives at the same time Bob does, and tells him yo, he’s not going out running today. Bob so is not hearin’ THAT. Mo says he doesn’t feel good and wants to take a break. He’s adamant, “I’m not going.”
Bob: “yes you are.”
Mo, “nuh uh.”
Bob, “yuh huh”.
Mo, “your momma is a house.”
Bob, “your daddy likes to eat lead paint.”
Mo lunges at Bob in a King Kong way, and grips him by the head with one hand. He hoists him into the air like a doll, but Bob swings his windmilling tiny arms, ineffectively, at Mo, only catching air. In the end, Mo puts Bob down and walks away, insisting that he’s just plain not doing it. Bob says he doesn’t like the word “can’t” and tells Mo he’s choosing a path (to….???) and tells him not to ask him for anything anymore. He says Mo is dissin’ him. “How can you play me like that?” Bob doesn’t say, but feels.
After the kitchen scuffle, Bob shows us his tender, cuddly soft side again. He feels badly about what’s happened with Mo, and complains about it in the workout room. Kelly tells Bob he SHOULD be pissed, and just because he's fabulous and spiritual and a master of the panflute, doesn’t mean he can’t feel insulted. “*Bleep*, this sucks,” she almost starts to cry. What was the bleep? It rhymes with "turkish jewelry kit". Without the the turkish jewelry part. Bob says he feels like he’s failed Mo, and that the more he thinks about Mo’s upsetness….the more he thinks about cheese. And/or that he’s failed Mo somehow. Pffft. Whatever, Snuggles, Mo made his own choice. Gary hints that right now might be a good time to go and talk to Mo, while Mo is alone.
Bob immediately leaves the blues behind and runs up to Mo’s room and says he owes him an apology. Mo immediately softens and insists that no, Bob was only trying to help, and he should have just communicated with him right then and there and made a compromise. Both of them discuss the knowledge that Bob’s numero uno priority is helping Mo, and that he’ll do anything, anything in this world for him. Will he dress up like a Jimmy Dean sausage and play “Clementine” on the banjo? Yes. Will he do a strip tease with the sausage casing when he’s done? Yes. Mo says he’s happy that Bob came and talked to him, and even more happy about the impending sausage strip tease.
Baywatch - SVU
It’s challenge time, but not before Jillian talks to her team about fiber. Summation: it is robust, chunky, and good. She also instructs them on the reading of food labels, and how many products try to trick you by splitting a chipmunk-sized amount of food into two servings. Case in point: beverages. According to elves that live inside the beverage factories, an entire, gargantuan (read: average-sized) bottle of Snapple equals two servings. Everyone is excited with the new, obvious info. and Jillian gives them a tip about dietary fiber: you can subtract the dietary fiber grams from the carb grams in any given product, and the remainder is the true carb count in any given food. Sweet.
Post fiber-talk, everybody ends up on a beach in Malibu for a physical challenge. The red peeps are freakishly nervous, because they’ve never won a physical challenge before. But today they’re allll going to be running through a lifeguard training course! Yes! Bring on the slow mo Baywatch footage!
The task: a wickedly long obstacle course, that if I describe, will certainly find you with your head lopped over onto your chest, covered in slumbering drool. But here: each team has to move 20 medicine balls to these big bins at the end of a track. Then they have to grab life preservers and run them around markers, and then they have to run a final sprint to the finish line with a flag. The first player to grab the flag and stick it in the flag-holding thinga-ma-bobby (technical term), wins.
What does the winning team get? A giant vat of diet dr. pepper to swim in! (<----gift to spegs.) Okay, no. The real gift: a complete makeover at Umberto’s of Beverly Hills! Aiee!! *girlie squeal* And besides looking ultra-hot, the winning team gets to decide which member of the blue team sits out of the weigh in.
Since the blue team has more members, Mo-licious has to pick the name of the person on the blue team who will sit out of the race. As he ambles towards Caroline’s outstretched hands, everyone on team blue prays to God that Mo draws his own name. “Ohh…pick Mo pick Mo pick Mo…..and give me sexy, sexy, calves!” Gary yearns. But Mo picks……….Kelly! Awwww…Kelly’s upset, and so is everyone else. It’s going to be tough, and Kelly is unjazzed because this kind of lifeguard-y thing is what she prepares for all week.
So. Gary, Kelly, and Andrea line up against Kelly, Ryan, and Lisa…and right off the bat…the blue team is ahead, with Gary lobbing medicine balls into the bin as if they’re made of nerf. (Is "nerf" an actual substance? Can you find it in nature? "Behold...the nerf tree" <---Discovery Channel narrator.) Andrea is also kicking quick hiney, but soon we see Mo. Mo ain’t doin’ well. He’s tottering, he’s slow, he’s hot, and Kelly can’t stand watching the blue team start to inevitably fall behind. She chants at them that they’re doing a good job, while still managing to insert, “pick it up a little” in a warm *cough* way.
The red team eventually pulls ahead to win it all, and Ryan tells us he felt like David Hasselhoff, yet he does not have the body, or the magical, German-lovin’ singing voice. But the red team feels unified. And the blue team feels sick and ill, with Andrea sharing her frustration over training for this every week only to lose. Kelly says she's sending the Mo-ster packing.
The red team arrives at Umberto’s and is greeted by the Umster himself, who is a smilie, jovial little man who beams at them and tells them they will not have to work out! “no, no, darlings, you must come…relax. I insist,” he says, in a very Edith Head way.
Soon, all the red peeps are preened and whittled into shiny, beautiful diamonds. *glitters* There is momentary panic from Kelly, who starts getting the dreaded…bangs! *gasp* Umberto insists, “my darling, you will luv eet so much you will…DIE!” <---more Edith Head. She allows him to continue, only to love it so much…she does indeed lop over onto the floor into a fluffy pool of shorn hair…..lifeless. Yet beautiful. Her hair a dark, magnificent halo encircling her softly.
Ryan does not freak out, and instead gives the Umberto-ettes complete access to his head, getting manly highlights and getting his short hair cut...shorter. (Is it weird that I really never notice much difference on a guy make-over? I mean...unless they go straight from the standard man-cut to a mohawk....or dye it like flag...is there really any difference?) Anyhow. Lisa gets giddy and giggly with Kelly and all come out of the salon looking so fabulous I must sit down. The beauty…it is taxing.
While the red team gets tweezered, the blue team sweats it up on treadmills and machines in the 24/7 gym. They laugh manically at how they will KEEP their split ends, ha ha! And they will benefit from the red team’s time away by doubling up their own efforts to slenderize. Are they envious? Gary hopes that Ryan comes back bald. Everyone twitters. So….no. They are not envious.
Unhappily, the red team finally returns to the house, and Kelly says she doesn’t want the blues to rain on their parade in their usual fashion. Kelly says that Kelly Mac tosses out a lot of underhanded compliments, and Kelly just can’t stand it. In the kitchen, Kelly Mac takes one look at Lisa and says, “oh..you got the Rachel.” According to Kelly and Lisa…this is the height of insult, as the Rachel haircut is outdated and soooo 90’s. All the reds think that Kelly Mac is a negative, Darth Vadar-type force, and want to get rid of her. The scene ends with Kelly Mac confessing that she had hoped they all would come back with hideous, ugly, bowl haircuts and/or mullets.
The Ho Ho Restrictions Pay off a Ho Lot! <--sorry
It’s time for the big, monstrous weigh in, and the peeps have come a long way. When they first got there, everyone dreaded this with hateful doom. Now…it’s like a fiesta of joy and warm feelings. There should be pinatas. <---no access to squiggly, Spanish, "n", sorry. My computer skills.....lacking. *hangs head*
Everyone’s excited and confident, Andrea knows she busted her tail, Gary says it’s anybody’s game, and Kelly of the red team feels physically strong and wants to see that reflected on the scale. She hasn’t seen the numbers peel off in the last two weeks, and she wants her come-uppance!
The red team picks Mo to stay out of the weigh in because they think he’s due for a big week, but Mo gets weighed anyway to see how far he’s come.
Mo blue: 11 pounds, he's excited he's under 400, total weight loss 47 pounds.
Kelly blue: 9 pounds, she can't even remember when she weighed under 180, 42 pounds to date.
Ryan red: 16 pounds, the red team freaks out, the blue team shakes their heads. Ryan is flabberghasted and thrilled. His new total: 68 pounds.
Andrea blue: 7 pounds, she feels amazing and her body feels alive! With flavor! So far…37 pounds.
Lisa red: 9 pounds, she jumps up and down because she’s finally under 200! She freaks out and leaps into the air, shrieking with joy and laughter while blue team Kelly rolls her eyes a bit at Lisa’s glee. So far for Lisa, she’s lost a total of 40 pounds.
Gary blue: In order to win, he has to make up a 9 pound deficit. Can he do it? Sadly…no. He’s down by 4 pounds, which is great, but the blue team is dejected as they all face another elimination. Gary’s lost 41 pounds to date.
Kelly red: 14 pounds! She’s also now under 200 and Lisa cheers and cries with Kelly and their entire team freaks out with joy. So far, Kelly’s lost 45 pounds to date.
Kelly Mac is certain Mo is going home, while Gary says it’s too early for him to say who he’s going to vote for. The reds, however, are sure who they want to vote for. They corner Gary in the kitchen and attack him…gang style. They want to know who he’s voting for, because they’re hoping to convince him to force a tie. Ryan tells us the reds love Mo and think he hinders the blue team’s physical challenges too, so they want him to stay. Kelly Mac on the other hand, they all find to be negative, and if Gary can force a tie, they’ll pick her off like a cherry from a tree! Gary doesn’t know if he can trust them to do what they say they’re going to do, and has to think about it.
Bob comes back to look at his sad little smurfs: i.e. the blue team. And Papa Smurf is all sad and feelin’ poo-like because his whole team is so close. He hates saying good-bye to anyone. He soon launches into one of his Bob-talks and tells them they need to applaud themselves for doing so wonderfully so far, and that whatever happens today, whoever goes home can make it in the real world. They’ve faced real challenges here that will match up with those in real life, because God knows a tower of cupcakes is waiting in everyone’s foyer. He knows they can do it. Kelly cries and sputters…”nuh n-n-noo one deserves to go home.”
Straight from Kelly’s tears, we launch into the obligatory inspirational music, back-dropped behind slo mo footage of the blue team working their little blue hearts out. Everyone says yada yada the same old stuff about wanting to stay and how golden their lives will be if they get to. All are proud of themselves, and Andrea says she now considers herself priceless. “Is anybody listening out theeeere….” the inspirational music takes us touchingly into the next commercial. Which is about vacuums…the most inspirational of all products.
The Red Hots in Control
It’s elimination time again, my peeps, and all are predictably nervous about what’s ahead. All but Gary. Who is oddly smiling. Is this….a forshadow? Pish posh. Nevah! This ploy is never used.
Caroline launches into her Probst questions quickly:
Andrea: How strong is your bond? Spending time together is great, they’re all tight, like little, individually wrapped, gas station burritos. They’re a family.
Kelly: what's the worst thing about sitting at this table? That someone has to go home.
And now…it’s time to………pump…YOU up. And/or cut the fat. Man I hate the lame clichés on this show. And I can't even use my Ahhhnold joke again. It's been done. *sigh*
Kelly: She says her decision *starts to cry* is not a personal choice, but votes for Mo and says she’s sorry.
Mo: He has friends sitting next to him, and it’s all so hard, but he’s made a pact with another peep, and therefore has to vote off one of the most loving, humorous peeps on the show. He votes for Kelly. She kisses him on the cheek.
Andrea: Andrea cries and votes for Maurice.
Gary: Gary starts by saying he had a really hard time putting anyone’s name down on the paper, but the problem is that this is a game, and he’s not going into detail about why he did what he did, but he’s sorry, because it’s going against what he said he’d do…but…he votes for Kelly.
Kelly, rather unexpectedly, laughs. She compliments him while cutting him and says that she can’t belive that Gary, Mr. Nice Guy, bluffed! That Bluffy McBlufferson! She says he’s a snake but thinks he’s clever, while Gary says he’s sorry again.
In the event of a tie, the red team gets to decide who goes home, and it doesn’t have to be just between Mo and Kelly, oh no, my friends, the red hots can pick anyone on the blue team to send home. Before bringing out the reds (not communists), she mentions how lame the blues are for leaving their most important decision up to the other team.
The commies come in stoically, with a single tray. While Kelly and Lisa remain mute, Ryan takes over the presentation of doom. He says they’re all hard workers, and the person that they chose in the end, is the person who has a lot of weight to lose, but whose personality conflicts with those left in the house. And for that reason, and that reason alone, they’ve decided to eliminate…Kelly! *gasp*
Kelly’s face falls flat, Andrea looks depressed, and Gary looks somewhat tickled pink, along with the reds. He covers his mouth in what I assume is an attempt to hide a girlish giggle. Kelly says she feels like a loser, and not in the good way the show talks about. But she feels sad that her own team thought she was disposable enough to leave her in the hands of others. She wishes she was voted out unanimously by her own team. As she leaves, she tells them all to kiss Bob for her, and tells Andrea to kick some ass. Her fridge light out, Gary stifles a gleeful snort.
Kelly says that the best thing about being there isn’t the weight loss, but doing stuff that you never thought you could do. Her speech amounts to: you always had the little red ruby shoes, all you had to do was click them together. Since the show, Kelly has lost a total of 63 pounds and looks fantastic! She’s now enjoying clothes shopping and posing in elevators.
Next week: The game is changing! No…more…teams!! *thud* All freak out, and soon loved ones come to visit to shower them with love, praise, and hot buttered massages. Stay tuned.
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