Never had to face down a ho ho? Say no to a muffin? Tell the chocolate to quit staring at you like that? Then you are gold, man, gold. And lucky. As all golden things are. If you have never dieted, eaten well, yet still remain slim and limber and as bendy as a 3-year-old, then by all means, extract some of your genetic goodness and create a serum for the rest of us. And this show will be of no interest to you. But...if you've ever watched your waistline, ate an inordinate amount of beets despite hating the vile, evil red root, and/or made a vat of cabbage soup the size of an oil drum...then this show....might still be of no interest to you. Or it may. It depends on how burnt out you are on Survivor, how much you have a "can do" attitude, and whether or not I've paid you in small, unmarked bills. And to those "fans" who know what I speak of...the check is in the mail. So. The show. Are you ready? Then let’s. Get ready. To paahhhrrr tayyyy. *twirls hands* Hollah!
The premise of the show:
Two food plans
There will be challenges every week, and the losing team has to eat one of their own, until the last person remains to claim the warm-and-fuzzy-title: “The Biggest Loser” <----that should echo, to make it feel even more good. The winner gets 250k…and a new lease on life, ready for unitards. (Had to fit a unitard in this recap somewhere.) Along the way there will be challenges, there will be temptations, there will be mountains upon mountains of sweets to visualize and reject. So basically, it’s Survivor with cupcakes. Or at least a different KIND of cupcake. *symbol crash*
On the blue team: Maurice, Kelly, Gary, Dana, Aaron, Andrea. These names mean nothing to you presented this way. But there you go.
Their trainer: Bob. Bob is built. He gets a very muscle-y ab-ripped shot where we see him shined up like a slip and slide. His pants are open and hanging wayyy low to reveal his almost-naddle region. The naddles: exposed. Nearly.
On the red team: Ryan, Kelly, Matt, Lisa, Dave, Lizzeth. Yep, I’ve forgotten them already too. But we will soon come to know them again. Oh yes we will.
Their trainer: Julie. Julie looks mean. And she’s not shiny. So....two strikes. We shall all await a third.
Now onto the REAL part of the show. I.e. the beginning. When God created man, and a little farmy pasture where the TBL peeps walk and tell us the challenges to being plus-sized. They mention granny panties, they don’t want to die young, and they want to walk into any store and buy clothes.
At the end of the line, Caroline Rhea is waiting to greet them in front of two hearty steeds. She congratulates them on their walk, and says that this is a show that won’t give them the easy way out: i.e. the knife. Nope, this is all going to be about diet and exercise. It’s totally old skule in the diet world. If you work hard, you’ll leave this place a different person.
She says that before they change their future, they must look at their past. The little horse cart moves aside to reveal a huge smorgasborg of goodies and treats that apparently consists of everything each individual ate last week. The contestants moan and stare gap-mouthed, no one can quite believe what they actually jammed into their body. In cheesy reality fashion, Caroline tells them that food is gone forever, and actually makes them wave good-bye to the food. The food doesn't wave back. But Ryan takes one look at his five donuts and eats one, much to the horror of the other contestants. And the donut. But alas, it was not meant to make-it into it’s “day-old” future.
The Thing No One Ever Does in Public
Caroline soon leads them into their 24 hour fitness gym and points at a huge gazebo/bay window. There is no man with a rose in it. Instead...there sits...a scale. The mothah-load of all scales. Cold, chili-con-carne metal platform. Three screens that do not show football. And the fear. The fear is in that gazebo. Because the second they gaze upon it...Caroline says weigh in is NOW! Everyone must get into their swimsuits pronto!
Clearly, no one is excited about swimsuit time. No one. People suck in their lower lips, and someone says they don’t even wear swimsuits in front of their own family. What? No Swimsuit Wednesdays for you? Pfft. Anyhow, news flash: even skinny people hate to try on swimsuits. I mean, being almost nude in front of strangers can be uncomfortable. I mean…that’s what I’ve heard anyway.
Everyone comes out looking very unhappy and embarrassed, especially the men. Ryan is afraid of everyone seeing his “man boobs”, and Aaron says any guy would be embarrassed for having them. I don’t know, men, hasn’t this always been a dream of yours? Your OWN set of boobs…24/7…to do with what you will?
They’re all weighed and submerged into water to get their body fat percentile. Everyone is embarrassed and horrified, and Aaron says, “I know why I’m so fat. I never exercise and I eat a lot.” Kelly hopes she never sees that number on the scale again, and big man Maurice says he’s definitely the big man on campus, and wants to show America he can do it!
Kelly: no weight flashed
After the horrifying-ness of the weigh-in, Caroline takes them to the super-cheesy room. The “fridge room” Ahhh!! *organ music* . It’s all about temptation, and each person has their own fridge with allll the food that is their biggest temptation. Aaron says he has a French dip sandwich as big as his head. Maurice has fried chicken, and says he’s a southern boy. He proceeds to kiss his chicken. I like him already.
Caroline points out that the fridges are named, and divided into two sides, six on one side, six on the other. Congrats! They’ve all been split into teams! The peeps moan and roll their eyes. Whichever team loses the least amount of weight each week, must vote out one member of their group, but one day, someone will be the Biggest Loser, and that person will get $250,000. Everyone goes nuts with the prospect of the money, and suddenly, donuts aren’t as tasty anymore. She sends them to bed with the warning: tomorrow, the trainers are coming, and in one week, you’ll be weighed again.
Caroline releases them into the house, and much like the Bulls of Pamplona, they race through the hallways, goring legs and tossing Italians into the air. Or they just flop on beds and giggle. You pick the real scenario.
Immediately we get a back and forth scenario of the teams splitting off and chatting strategy. Kelly says the blue team’s strength is that they’re all laid back, and the red team seems too much into doing their thing. Lisa, of team Red, tells people they’d better shut it when it comes to watching her eat. She doesn’t want people to tell her to take this or that off her food. She says the comments will just push her into the arms of food, and if you tell her she’s fat, those arms will wrap themselves around her good and tight.
Maurice of team blue says his first impression of all the people was that no one had a chance. His weight compared to everyone else makes everyone else look skinny. “The overweight lover is in the house” he shouts, and many people comment on how Maurice could be the one who loses the most weight simply because he has the most of it to lose.
David is telling his group, team red, that he was a trainer in 1989, and says that the good thing about being heavy is that they already know how to lose weight. He says that “fat people know more than anyone how to lose weight”. He says that Ryan (audience refresher: he’s the donut eater) is going to be the biggest challenge because he seems to like food TOO much. Ryan’s strategery is to vote out the person who loses the least amount of weight. Others disagree and Lizzeth says her goal is to “keep a smile on her face”. The house scene ends with the humiliating forced production of all the contestants being forced to look into a camera, smile, and say, “I will be the biggest loser.”
Good Cop, Bad Cop
It is early morning and time to chisel and shape the peeps. Jillian the red team trainer scowls and says she loves to push people hard and make them cry momma. She’s the rootinest tootinest bad mammer jammer that there is. Bob, of the blue man group, is cuddly and soft and friendly, like the Snuggles bear without the fur. He says burnout is not an option and we get imagery of him skipping rope fiercly with a wince-y look on his face. He tells us his main focus is to make things fun so that is team WANTS to come back. He has no interest in drilling them into the ground and pushing them beyond their limits.
Bob greets everyone with friendly joy, whereas Jillian tells us that working out for the first time can sometimes make people vomit, and she apparently digs that. Her team follows her into the exercise room and immediately starts doing high kicks and all kinds of non-fat friendly moves. They're winded, and it's early. Jillian is not winded, and takes great glee out of flipping her legs high into the air. She’s a can can girl. A can can girl without the tights.
Bob’s approach is to sit his team down and try to figure out what’s going on with his peeps and how they got to where they are. Aaron has a sense about people and said that the second he saw Bob, he knew the dude could do it. When he saw Jillian, he thought, “that chick is hot..but I don't know if she can do it."
We flash to Jillian making her team do squats, oh the squat....how I hate thee!! Yet my bottom enjoys thee...so I am your friend...against my will. Jillian is beating her squatters into submission, while Bob listens to his people at a picnic table.
The rest of he day is spent working out and freaking out about how difficult everything is. People are running and panting and don’t think they can do it. Lisa of the reds can’t run another step until Jillian grabs her and shakes her finger in her face, telling her the worst is over. Jillian tells her that she can puke and move on and forces her to repeat, “I can lose weight,” which for Lisa, was major-league motivating.
But Bob's peeps are easy-going it on the treadmills, because he doesn't want to break their spirit. Awww. Still.........Gary tells us he’s going to puke. Does he? Wait. See.
Jillian forces two team members to quit smoking. Matt and Dave both have cigs with them, and Matt's are unceremoniously dumped on the ground and mashed into the dirt by Jillian's gestapo heal. Matt mourns his cigarettes and tells us he has another stash...so score! Does he want to give them up? Kind of. Will he? He knows his teammates will kick his ass if he doesn't....so he decides to give it a whirl. Mainly because the cigarettes in the dirt don't look too tasty. And probably won't light. So cold turkey it is! She tells the guys, look dudes, smoking may help you lose weight for a time, but at the end of the day, this is about your health, and you need to kick those cigarettes in the balls. Figuratively.
The blue team has their first vomiter of the day: Aaron. Everyone is freaked because apparently Aaron is “the strong one”. NBC is lovely enough to show us the vomit stream. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
Better Than Beets...but Nothing Like a Ho Ho
It’s time to go over the diet plans. Each team has something different. Both with a distinct lack of ho hos.
Jillian’s Red team is on the “Eat Less” Diet:
The goal is to:
Burn more calories than you take in
High protein, high fiber, low carb diet
Jillian tries to fool them with some chicanery about how it’s not really like you’re eating less carbs, it’s about eating less than you’re burning. Tell that to the ho ho, Jillian. Lizzeth say it sucks, and Lisa says she can’t go that long without some carb action. Jillian says the hardest part will be portion control, but she’ll try and jam up their diet with lots of veggies so that they feel more satiated. Lastly, she warns them that if they cheat, they MUST tell her because she WILL find out. Oh yes she will.
Bob’s Blue team is the “Eat More” Diet:
Deal with hunger before it happens
4-6 meals per day
High volume, low calorie, low carb
Bob tries to get all Snuggles again by telling them he’s going to be doing everything they’re all doing. Andrea says her biggest downfall is not eating enough during the day and then binging at night, so this plan sounds fantastic. While they eat their first dinner, consisting of plain lettuce with some kind of brownisih dressing, Maurice says he was lookin’ around to see if there was anything else, like a hunk of meat. There is no hunk of meat, unless it is hiding, very, very, well. He wants to label it the “eat not quite enough diet.”
Savory Pork and Sports Cars
Up next are two things, temptation, and a challenge. They all wake up intensely sore and end up at the breakfast table tempted by pancakes and bacon. Most of them resist the “bad” food and head straight for other things, but Maurice downs several hunks of bacon as his entire teams frowns and gets ticked. When Mo tries to reach for a sausage, he gets scolded, "Mo, Mo, Mo, don’t touch that sausage.”
But breakfast is not the first of their challenges. Up next is a real challenge. It’s all Survivor-y and everything. They all end up on a race track where two cars, and Caroline, await them. What’s the challenge? Apparently each team must pull a car down the race track *flash to race track footage……it…looks…LONG*. The catch? Besides the fact that they’re going to be dragging a car? The doors don’t open, and they must switch off people to steer every few minutes. Which means each team member must squeeze and push their way in and out of a leeetle tiny window. The first team to cross the finish line wins. What do they win? A five pound bag of lard that they can add to the other team's final weight.
The teams run off, struggling to pull the cars, all to some jazzy little, “dun dun duh!” music. They all get to the first marker where one team member has to be yanked out of the car, and another team member needs to be squished in. Both teams have difficulty. First the red team's ahead, then the blue team, red team, blue team, red teams steering wheel comes off, it gets put back on, then the blue team races ahead and finally........wins! *tosses confetti*
The blue team girates on the track while the red team spits into the asphalt. Aaron of team blue says that he knew when he saw the finish line that he was only a few feet away and decided if he was going to puke, he was going to do it on the other side of the finish line. Lucky him, no puke. Only falling flat onto the asphalt to gasp and heave.
Back from the challenge, everyone is freaking out. Lisa is having a break down in the kitchen over not writing foods down and eating chicken with bbq sauce and only 595 calories. Bob says everyone looks emotionally and physically drained, and Jillian says that the next three days are going to be hell for her team, because they somehow need to lose .8 pounds per person, roughly elminating 3000 calories per person. Up for her peeps at night: two hours of cardio. She pushes them, she yells, she does her best bad cop job.
Jillian tries to force Matt to do a million sit-ups, while he thinks of quitting this whole dang thing. He says the longest he’s ever worked out in the past is one hour, and this five hour stuff is pure ridiculousness. Bob is shown working his team just as hard, but with that nice, Snuggles touch. Kelly says she has never worked out this much in her life and feels exhausted. For the next three days it’s back and forth, back and forth. When the red team works harder, the blue team works harder. When the blue team works harder, the red team does too. Back and forth and back and forth until they’re all exhausted. Bob actually yells to someone, “come on man, eye of the tiger!” I don't know who it was said to, but I was even more surprised a fist didn't come popping up into his face. But the show is young.
Baby Got (Less) Back
It’s time for the big weigh in to see which team goes home! Who will it be…oh who? Let’s get straight to the scale.
Caroline greets them in the big gazebo-y weigh/workout room and tells them their group totals prior to this night. The blue team: 1,537 pounds. The red tream: 1,535 pounds. Only two pounds difference. At the end of the day, the team with the least amount of pounds lost will be forced to eliminate one of their members.
Gary blue: 12 pounds. He freaks out and beams.
Lisa red: 10 pounds. She looks truly shocked and says it usually takes her two months to lose that much.
Maurice blue: 13 pounds. Suddenly everybody’s disappointed. According to the Mo-man and the rest of the peeps, a man of his 400 plus pound size should be shedding weight like a peeled onion. I still think, woo hoo! That is 13 freakin’ pounds!!
Lizzeth red: Smaller Lizzeth only loses 3 pounds, and when her weight flashes up on the board overhead, her lip quivers and she looks ready to cry. She says she’s embarrassed and horrified.
Kelly blue: 13 pounds
Matt red: 22 pounds!! He looks shocked and never thought being the biggest loser would be a compliment.
Dana blue: 5 pounds.
Boston Dave: 10 pounds
Aaron blue: 20 pounds. His team goes wild and his mouth drops open.
Kelly red: 15 pounds and tears of joy.
Andrea blue: 6 pounds
It’s all down to one man, Ryan. Ryan the doughnut eater. If he loses 14 pounds or more, the red team wins.
Ryan red: it’s…………………..19 pounds!! The red team takes home the gold!! They all freak out and hug him and laugh while the blue team starts to cry.
Your Future on A Silver Platter
It’s the night of the first elimination, and everyone hangs out in the kitchen talking about who to vote out and why, even the winning team has an opinion, and it ticks off Gary of the non-winning team. Lisa thinks Gary should hush up and quit worrying, because he knew they'd be voting someone out before he came. He clearly looks fierce, though, as she takes one look at him and says, “don’t hate me.” Gary’s ticked, and tells Lisa that he’s analyzing things in the way anyone else would analyze them in his position, wondering what changes they need, the diet, the exercise, what. He says it’s an emotional night.
Pre-vote time, everyone complains about the low-weight loss peeps, especially Maurice who was expected to peel like a banana…but held his peel on quite well with the help of some bacon. Dana’s worried because she’ll never lose as much weight as the other people, simply because she doesn’t have as much to lose, despite the fact that she did everything Bob told her to do. Kelly starts to cry to Aaron, and somehow thinks that she’s the one that could be going home, despite her massive weight loss. Andrea is the last person to comment, and tearfully says that if she walks tonight, she’s at least started a huge life change.
The blue team heads down to the fridge room where the eliminations will take place, and all carry silver platters with domed lids on them. Caroline Rhea greets them at the table again and begins quizzing them about their past week. Basic questions about how surprised they feel about the weight loss, if they think they can do better, and why does Andrea deserve to stay above Dana, and vice versa, since they both lost the least amount of weight this week?
And in non-Survivor fashion, Caroline finally says, “Ladies and gentlemen…it’s time to cut the fat.”
Mo: He picked Gary, because neither of the women with the least amount of weight loss deserved to go home.
Aaron: says he’s voting with a clear head based on who can advance the team the furthest. And since Dana is young and can do a lot of this on her own, he picks her. She’s just not going to be able to pull in the weekly weight loss they need in order to win every week.
Andrea: her choice came down to what was best for the team, so she picks Dana as well.
Dana: she says she feels like a hypocrite, because she can’t vote for herself, but still needs to vote for the person with the least amount of weight loss next to her, and that’s Andrea.
Gary: his decision is based on who will bring their team to the next level: Dana.
Dana is NOT the biggest loser, is sent home, and like that, *poof* her fridge light goes out.
Dana’s final words: Bob has changed her life. She's going to take what she learned, go home, and stick with it. She says the next time we see her, she wants everyone to break their necks turning their heads.
Dana's update: Since the show, she's lost an additional 15 pounds, has a new job, a new boyfriend, a new lease on life.
Next week: Lizzeth runs while everyone else sleeps in, someone’s attitude brings the whole house down *gasp* and teams are presented with the challenge of having to bake and sell a fudge delight without eating any of it. Can they do it? CAN THEY??
suspended in gelatin....shazzer@fansofreali tytv.com