Say it with me: There's no place like home, there's no place like home! Welcome back to another week of The Biggest Loser! According to last week's previews, everyone is going home. Ah, the dreaded week away from the ranch. Who will see a little Bob or Jillian sitting on their shoulder and who will be too busy stuffing face at a buffet? I don't know about you, but I'm certainly sick of this Blue vs. Black nonsense. The Black Team is being picked off one by one. They can't even win with a 5lb advantage! I wish the contestants would just stay as one big group and use both trainers like they did at the beginning of the season. I hate when they let a contestant choose the teams. NBC should hire me. I'd straighten this show up and give the viewers what they want! On with the show...

In the elimination room, Alison informs everyone they will be heading home for the week. They will be back in 7 days to face the scale. Everyone gets packed up and catches their flights home. *insert montage of teary homecomings here* Ugh, Lance goes home to Melissa. I could do without seeing her for sure. Michael goes to Chicago to visit with his Grandma. He finds out there hasn't been any change, she still doesn't respond or open her eyes, and that the doctor wants to meet with the family.

All of the families have surprises for their newly arrived loved ones. The Biggest Loser sent a “little” something home. And by “little”, I mean HUGE. There is a giant box waiting for each contestant. I'm waiting for Bob to pop out wearing only a Speedo or something. That would be pretty funny. Each person busts open the cargo box and out falls a million of those little packing peanuts. Inside the box is a stationary bike and a little box. Inside the little box are a whole bunch of little cupcakes and a DVD. Ali appears on the DVD and reminds everyone of the 26.2 miles they rode as partners the very first night on the ranch. Now, each person is going to do it individually. It is also going to be done in front of all of their friends and family. That sucks. The person who bikes 26.2 miles the fastest will win $10,000. That's a pretty nice chunk of change. Remember the cupcakes that were also in the box? For each cupcake a player eats, they can add 5 minutes onto another player's time. It's a combined challenge/temptation. O'Neal will not participate in the challenge/temptation because he isn't medically cleared.

Immediately, Melissa tells Lance he needs to eat cupcakes to add to Sam's time. The scheming wheels are turning already with that girl. Ashley says she isn't going to eat any cupcakes. Sam and Koli say they aren't going to eat any cupcakes. Lance does eat cupcakes to hurt Sam. Three to be exact. He then eats a cupcake to add to Daris's time. Michael decides to eat 6 cupcakes because that would only be 600 calories. He doesn't want to hurt any of his teammates, so he eats for the Black Team. The first is for Sam. Andrea eats one for Sam. Daris doesn't eat any cupcakes. Drea eats 2 cupcakes to hurt Sunshine. Sunshine doesn't eat any. Lance eats another for Sunshine. Stephanie choose not to eat any. Lance eats ANOTHER for Stephanie. Michael also eats one for Stephanie. Although we are only shown footage of a few cupcakes here and there, here is the final tally:

Lance eats 17 cupcakes. Yes, that's right. SEVENTEEN. That is a total of 1,700 calories. What a pig. If I had any respect for him in the first place, he would have just lost it. Michael eats 6 cupcakes. Andrea eats 9. I guess these people see dollar signs rather than lbs.

Everybody works out hard while they are home because they still have a weigh-in to deal with at the end of the week. O'Neal pushes himself a little too hard and hurts himself so he decides to take things a little easier. Daris doesn't feel embarrassed to go to the gym anymore.

Sam does a little cooking with his mom and shows her all the things that are wrong with what she is making. How does he know what is healthy to eat? Well, he checks his Biggest Loser application on his Verizon Blackberry phone, of course! Don't forget that additional charges may apply!! Wow, that's a new low for advertising. There was even a little graphic that popped up on the screen. Sheesh.

Ashley heads to the Grill and Brewery where she used to frequently dine. She used to get potato skins, chicken wings, chicken fingers, etc. She really misses ranch dressing. Hey, I hear you sister. I'm a ranch dressing whore! Everyone she is with gets their old favorites, and Ashley is definitely tempted. She resists and instead orders Ahi Tuna and cooked spinach.

Andrea goes to the bowling alley with her friends. She is having trouble finding something to order. She used to order pizza and all kinds of greasy appetizers. She orders a salad. That's pretty lame for a bowling alley. Oh well, I guess she's being smart.

Daris asked out a girl and took her out to a local karaoke bar. They hold hands as they walk in. Aww. I heart Daris. His friends are drinking beer but he's drinking water. He decides to sing even without “liquid courage”. His “friend” Randi knows that Daris likes her and she says he now has the confidence to let her know that. He isn't the best singer, but I give him an A+ for trying.

It's finally time for the bike race. Every player is riding the bike at the exact same time. Each family member will receive a cell phone. This allows them to communicate with the other players' family members across the country to see how everyone else is doing. This cell phone thing is stupid. I guess it provides motivation, but it is just like a huge confusing telephone chain. Sam finishes first, but little does he know that he has a ton of cupcake minutes coming at him in the end. His time was 1:17:00. Koli finishes next with a time of 1:18:40. Lance comes in 3rd at 1:19:01. Sunshine finishes 4th with 1:23:29. Daris is 5th with a time of 1:25:35. Andrea is 5th with a time of 1:36:35. Stephanie is 6th with a time of 1:37:05. Ashley comes in 8th with a time of 1:40:48. Michael comes in 9th with a time of 1:41:30. He finished last, but at least he finished!

The contestants ate a total of 32 cupcakes. Stephanie had 7 cupcakes against her, which makes her time 2:12:05 and puts her in last place. Sam had 10 cupcakes against him, dropping him to 8th place and a new time of 2:07:00. Drea had 5 cupcakes added to her time, which puts her in 7th place at a new time of 2:01:35. Sunshine had 6 cupcakes added to her time, putting her in 6th place at 1:53:29. Daris had 4 cupcakes against him, putting him in 5th with a time of 1:45:30. Right now Koli is in 1st. Lance, Ashley, and Michael had nobody eat cupcakes against them so they stay in 2nd, 3rd, and 4th respectively. Did someone eat a cupcake against Koli? Well, Ali already told us that 32 cupcakes were consumed. If I do a little elementary math here, I can tell nobody ate a cupcake against Koli. Oh well, I'll let them have their suspenseful moment. Nobody ate a cupcake against Koli. He wins $10,000.

The contestants head back to the ranch to decompress with Bob and Jillian. Most of them talk about the workouts that they did and the distractions that they had. Michael says he was on a roller coaster ride because of his Grandma and his head wasn't really there.

Although they were at home all week, that doesn't excuse these recruits from participating in hours of pure hell the Last Chance Workout. Sometimes I put this part on mute. Between the contestants screaming and Bob/Jillian screaming, it gives me a headache. Be glad if you missed this part, because we get a lovely shot of Ashley puking outside. Mmm. I think I'll put down the peanut butter egg I'm eating! Lance seems distracted during the LCW so Bob takes him aside to talk to him. He feels guilty with Melissa at home and says she feels like she isn't being supported. Bob helps to get Lance's head back into the game.

As the players walk into the gym for the weigh-in, I wish to myself that it was the week they didn't have to wear sports bras anymore. Yikes. Please let it be tank tops starting next week! Will the almighty Blue Team triumph again? Let's find out!

Blue:

O'Neal: Previous 302/Current 295 (-7)
Blue Total: (-7) -.40%

Sunshine: Previous 216/Current 208 (-8)
Blue Total: (-15) -.86%

Lance: Previous 282/Current 274 (-8)
Blue Total: (-23) -1.32%

Michael: Previous 397/Current 389 (-8)
Blue Total: (-31) -1.78%

Koli: Previous 297/Current 287 (-10)
Blue Total: (-41) -2.35%

Daris: Previous 248/Current 244 (-4)
Blue Total: (-45) -2.58%


Black:

Andrea: Previous 238/Current 232 (-6)
Black Total: (-6) -.59%

Stephanie: Previous 208/Current 199 (-9)
Black Total: (-15) -1.49%

Ashley: Previous 286/Current 276 (-10)
Black Total: (-25) -2.48%

Sam: Previous 278/Current 264 (-14)
Black Total: (-39) -3.86%

The Black Team wins!! David has slain Goliath! Sunshine had the highest percentage of weight loss on the Blue Team, so she is safe.

The Blue Team gathers to have the “who is going to go home” chat. Everyone wants to be there. Koli is concerned that Michael is the heaviest and isn't losing enough weight. Michael cries because everyone else is under 300 and he is still around 400. He says he needs to be there because he still has so far to go.

There isn't much more deliberation (that we are shown anyway) and we go right into the voting.

Koli votes for Lance
Michael votes for Lance
Lance votes for Michael
O'Neal votes for Lance
Daris votes for Lance

With 4 votes, Lance is eliminated. Bye bye bumpkin Lance! Have fun going back home to Melissa! After a week, I'm sure you'll wish you were back on the ranch away from her!

When Lance started the show, he weighed 365lbs. Today, he weighs 265lbs. He hasn't lost that much since going home. He has to travel an hour to get to the closest gym. He looks a little better now that he has a haircut and a shave. He is climbing mountains with his son. They compare deer tracks with a hog track? Okay then. Lance wants to weigh 220 at the finale and hopes to get his old job back as a commercial diver.

Next week, a person inspired by the Biggest Loser who has lost over 400lbs will be revealed live. Ohh! That's new! Also, the eliminated players return to earn a chance to come back to the ranch. Oh great, more Melissa. Just what I need! I'll definitely have the TV muted next week! Pass me a fork because I might just poke my eyes out too. Come on back next week for all the goods!