The Biggest Loser Recap 05/03/11 - Project Fairy Godfather
Hark! What's that I hear? Why, it's Hannah, making horsey cloppity-clopping noises! Except with her voice, instead of two coconut halves. (Are they allowed to have coconut at the ranch?) A coach approaches, and a graceful figure alights. Hannah is excited - could it be her Prince Charming? Alas, no...Tim Gunn is probably somebody's Prince Charming, but definitely not Hannah's. Frankly, I'd take a makeover and new clothes over some would-be Prince, but I've walked down the aisle a couple of times and I'm a little jaded.
Tim's plan is to take the remaining five, dress 'em up and take 'em out. On hand is Ken Paves, another Prince Charming fail for Hannah. Ken is going to cut, coif, and polish everyone up. The first reveal is Hannah, who has been turned into Barbie's mom. She's gone blonde, which isn't horrible, but the '60's housewife bouffant, mermaid gown, and long white gloves give her a retro look that Hannah isn't quite cool enough to pull off. She's greeted ecstatically by her father, who thinks he finally might be able to marry her off.
Next up is Olivia, who has gotten a seriously kickass short bob. Unlike her little sis, she's pulling off her new look and silvery/blue gown. Her hubby is on hand - what's left of him, that is, as he's lost a ton of weight himself. As it's truly nice to see them both healthy and happy and devoted to each other, I won't make fun. Jaded though I may be.
The guys' makeovers are always less interesting, but I rejoice to see that they haven't completely scalped Austin's curly locks - he may, in fact, have the most successful hair makeover of the day. Dude is sure to find his Princess Charming soon.
Irene's adorably cute so it doesn't matter that they've chopped off a foot or so of her gorgeous hair. She's lightened it up and donned a pink princessy gown ,and continues to be as adorably cute as ever. Austin could do worse. Just sayin'.
Jay is in the predictable tux and has had his little grey goatee shaved off, and now looks like a chubby Bob Newhart. You can decide for yourself if that's an improvement.
The evening's entertainment is one-hit wonder One Republic, who continues to earn a living performing on reality shows. Everyone dances and talks about how much they now like themselves as the weeks pass, and I think about how much less I like them with each passing week. Mind you, it's been many, many, many weeks, and who doesn't wear out their welcome after visiting for nearly five months?
Time to rushrushrush through the challenge, because tonight is only an hour. (Thank you, random vocal stars of The Voice, for bumping TBL's second hour.) The Losers head to the beach where there are cunning little sand structures in the vague shape of Mazda 5 cars, which surprise! are the prize for winning this challenge. Inside the sand cars are keys. Two M5s are parked on a nearby pier. The contestants must dig out the keys, one by one, and run to the pier to try their keys in the cars, Price Is Right style. If the car starts, it's theirs. Irene lucks out early on and scores a car. An hour and a half later, the remaining Losers are still trying their luck. Or lack of luck - it comes down to the second-last key, held by Olivia.
Last chance workout, same old, same old. Bob is natty in a newsboy cap and dark windbreaker - looks like Tim's been visiting the trainers. Oh, wait, Cara's in a ratty orange tank and leggings, and Jillian's apparently wearing the same stretched-out white T from Old Navy that I myself am sporting. Brett's in black as usual, all the better to play ninja.
It's a back-to-basics weigh-in, no immunity, no 1-lb advantages, just a yellow line with two spaces below it. One of the two Losers below the line will be eliminated.
Hannah, start weight 156, down to 154, 1.28%
Jay, start weight 258, down to 255, 1.16%
Austin, start weight 243, down to 236, 2.88%
Irene, start weight 154, down to 152, 1.30%
Olivia, start weight 162, down to 158, .....??
Hark! What is that I hear? Oh, fer #%(*#&$'s sake, it's Tim Gunn again, but this time he's appearing via magic mirror. Tim announces that no one's going home this week, because everything got messed up last week when Rulon quit. Well, he didn't say it exactly, but sometimes you don't have to.
In celebration of everyone staying, and Olivia's weight loss totaling 100 lbs, the opera singer declares she will sing on the scale. I don't know anything about opera, but I am impressed by her obvious passion for her art. You are safe for another week, Olivia -go have a seat on the couch o'safety. Oh crap, wrong show. And sorry to mix you up with lousy wannabe pop singers.
So wraps up another week...the only problem is, since the fat lady's now thin, how will we know when it's over?