Big Brother Premiere Recap 7/05 - Down The Rabbit Hole

[lildago]

It’s July! You know what that means…..summertime, going barefoot, lots of sunshine, BBQ, pool parties, mosquitoes, and yes, Big Brother. CBS has diligently searched myspace the country for this season’s houseguests. In case you’ve forgotten or been under a rock for the past seven seasons, here’s a quick rundown. Cameras will record the houseguest’s every move as they compete for food, luxuries, and power. Each week one will be evicted until one remains to claim the half million dollar prize.

Introductions Please
There are fourteen new houseguests and this season there's a new twist. Six of the houseguests will enter the house with a rival, an enemy, someone who is the last person they want to see walk in the door. How will the six handle it? Will there be bitch slapping? Eye clawing? Perhaps a little hair pulling? Or will they kiss and make up? My vote goes to bitch slapping. And I can hardly wait.

Now let’s meet the houseguests…

Jessica - “The only person I’ll be cheering for is myself.”
Someone somewhere has lied and told this girl she’s cute. She seems a little stuck on herself and I can’t see why.

Nick -“I’m going to use this body for bait.”
This hunky ex-football player from Minnesota also seems a little stuck on himself but hey, I can’t fault him for that. He plans to use his body for bait? My guess is the little fishes will be jumping right into his boat.

Eric - “No one’s ever played this game like me before.“
Ok, he’s a dorky looking talent management assistant which means he makes the coffee and answers the phones.

Daniele - “Don’t underestimate this California girl.”
This young blonde waitress bears an uncanny resemblance to the late Anna Nicole Smith. She’s as cute as a button and I’d never guess she was a Hooter’s girl.

Evil Dick - “The house isn‘t going to know what hit ‘em.”
Dick is a tatted and pierced bar manager who could pass for Tommy Lee. He seems really laid back and could be fun to watch. He also seems like he could be a real…well, a real dick.

Jen - “My body is not my only asset.”
She’s a nanny. Seriously? I thought she was just an airhead with boob job and a teeny tiny bikini. I had to shake my head at how Big Brother has her standing with her back to the camera and looking over her shoulder. What a convenient way to show off all of her assets.

Mike - “I’m going to paint the rest of the houseguests out of the picture.”
Sounds good, Mike. But can you do it while shirtless, please?

Kail - “I’m going to run the Big Brother house just like my family runs this little town.”
She’s a little too patronizing for my liking. And braggy about owning half the town. I wonder how many of them are rooting for her now.

Joe - “I’m going to blow away the competition.”
My gutter mind is screaming numerous comments about Joe and the whole blowing thing but I’ll behave myself…this time.

Carol - “This senator’s daughter knows a thing or two about politics.”
She reminds me of Jen from season 6, only cuter. If she knows about politics, she should have no problem lying like Jen did to further herself in the game.

Amber - “I’m a single mom from Vegas. I’m about to show you how this game should really be played.”
Yeah, we’ve heard that before. Put up or shut up!

Zach - “I’m going to outthink the competition.”
To me, this guy looks like the Joker from the old Batman comics. Let’s hope he’s as entertaining.

Dustin - “I’m going to walk all over the competition.”
Oh yeah, with the spiky-heeled boot he just held up, he could do some damage. Here’s hoping he wears those as he’s doing all of that walking over his housemates.

Jameka - I’m a very sweet person but don’t get on my bad side. You’ll regret it.”
Jameka is cute and seems fun. I hope someone gets on her bad side really soon though. I love a good catfight and hey, it’d be good for the ratings. Just looking out for you, CBS.

Topsy-Turvy Wonderland
The first eleven houseguests see each other for the first time but they aren’t allowed to speak to each other until they enter the house. Julie encourages them to take a look at those around them. As they check each other out, she reminds them that their new BFF could be among them...or not; and that ultimately, they’re on their own. When they enter the house, they have one minute to choose a bed by placing their bag on it and should choose carefully because some of them will not only be housemates but also bedmates. They all smile at that notion because sharing a bed with a stranger is apparently a good thing.

Looks like the design team had fun with the house. It has a fantasy-like “Alice in Wonderland” feel. As a spin off of Alice growing very tall, one bedroom is full of very small things. Another is huge just as they are when Alice shrinks. The third looks suited for a harem complete with round beds in the center of the room.

The hamsters claim their beds and Nick, who is 6’2'' chooses the tiny room even though he thinks a small bed would hinder his chances if he decides to invite a girl to join him. I see what Nick has on his mind already and I’m not surprised since his body is bait and all but why the cramped itty bitty bed? You’d think he’d go for the harem room. I’m sure this season’s concubines would appreciate a little room to roll over.

Daniele can count and notices there are only eleven of them. She suspects that others will be joining them. This perceptive bunch also picks up on the Alice in Wonderland theme. The booze begins to flow as the new housemates take time to get to know each other. Daniele lies that she’s 21 so nobody will know she’s the youngest in the house. Zach thinks the women are hot but given a choice would rather win the game than hook up. The way I remember it, the Joker wasn’t very popular with the ladies anyway. If there was any question about Jen’s IQ, she opens her mouth and removes all doubt. This girl has complete marshmallow between the ears. Or maybe all the silicone has travelled upward. Of course, Nick thinks she’s hot and has a kickin’ body. I’m guessing that’s important to a guy like Nick who’s looking to score in an itty bitty bed. Kail holds back as she says she’s a real estate agent. Remember…she’s the condescending multi-business owner who also owns half her town as they work for her. Smart thinking actually. If they all realized that the judgmental boaster was loaded, she’d be the first evicted.

Hey, That’s My Shirt
Finally, we get to the twist. Earlier in the day, Dustin, Jessica, and Dick moved into the house and have been hanging out upstairs. Julie, our dutiful host, clues them in on the eleven others that are downstairs and the fact that not all of them are strangers. Here’s the fun part…they get to spy on the others and the others will not be able to see them. Dustin quickly spots Joe, his manipulative ex and notices they’re wearing each other’s shirts. The feud between them was so bad that there was pushing and shoving involved and Joe slept with his friend. Looks like my wish for a bitch slapping cat fight might come true! Jessica hasn’t spoken to Carol in three years because she once owed her five dollars and talked a lot of smack in their small town. Five dollars, now there’s something worth fighting over! She says they were catty bitches and went separate ways. Dick spots his daughter Daniele who hasn’t spoken to him in two years. He emails her but she wants nothing to do with him. Dick thinks being there together will be a make or break thing.

Inflexible Nether Regions
The houseguests enter the backyard for the first head of household competition. It’s a mushroom nightmare! The hamsters must partner up and stand in front of a mushroom. Nick is the odd man out and won’t compete. The game is called “Mushroom Madness.” Houseguests sitting on the stumps must answer a series of true/false questions about their housemates. Every incorrect answer will cause their partner’s mushroom to spin faster and faster. The team with the last member hanging on a mushroom wins and one of them will become the first HOH.

Question one : True or false--at least five of you have admitted to having cosmetic surgery?
The answer is false. Only two have had some work done. Amber misses it and Carol’s mushroom picks up speed.

Question two : True or false--more than half of you said you would give up your best friendship for five hundred thousand dollars?
The answer is false. Only four are shallow enough to admit they’d take the money. Amber and Jameka are wrong so Carol and Joe spin even faster. Poor Joe’s knees and ankles are killing him since he says he’s not incredibly flexible in his nether regions. This game was inspired by the classic fairy tale version of Alice in Wonderland. I think Joe has it confused with that adult musical on the top shelf at the video store. Wrong Alice, completely different Wonderland.

Question three : True or false--more than two of you say you would not give up your seat to a pregnant lady on a bus?
The answer is false. Only one admitted they’d make the pregnant lady stand. Jen's answer is wrong so Zach spins faster.

Question four : True or false--more than three of you admitted that you are members of the mile high club?
The answer is false. Only one houseguest has done the deed while flying the friendly skies. Jameka misses and Joe’s inflexible nether regions will suffer for it. A mud-like substance is suddenly sprayed into the faces of the mushroom riders but no one falls off.

Question four : True or false--more than half of you say you would have no problem starting a malicious rumor about someone?
The answer is true. Amber, Eric, and Jen got it wrong so Carol, Kail, and Zach spin even faster. Carol can’t hang on so she and Amber are eliminated. Zach quickly follows, eliminating himself and Jen.

There are no more questions but the mushrooms continue to increase in speed making it a battle of endurance. The remaining three are showered with what looks like flour. Mike is the next to fall from his mushroom leaving Joe and Kail to sit and spin for a shot at HOH. The mushrooms launch into warp speed and Joe’s nether regions can’t hold on, thus making Kail and Eric the winners.

The Child Bearer Can Sit And Spin
Julie lets them know that only one of them can be HOH and reminds them of the other three who are also in the house. Since they’ve been isolated and did not compete, they are safe from eviction for the first week. However, they decide who will become HOH…Kail or Eric. Eric wants no part of it and announces that Kail deserves it for her sit and spin performance. Kail admits she’s the one who wouldn’t give up her seat for a pregnant lady because she’s been pregnant three times and no one did it for her. Dick says they should give it to the child bearer and I chuckle. I think I’m going to like Dick’s sense of humor. Kail is awarded the first HOH and declares herself the Queen of Mushrooms.

Magical Gonorrhea
Back in the living room, it’s time for everyone to meet the mystery houseguests. Julie gives them the person-from-your-past spiel and time to speculate. Immediately, Joe is certain that his ex, Dustin is there and announces that he gave him gonorrhea. Now there’s something to shout on national television! Dustin, as well as the other houseguests, are shocked at Joe’s public gonorrheal proclamation but I am delighted with the drama. Let’s see how fast he clears out the hot tub later.

Daniele suspects that her dad is there but keeps her lips sealed. Smart girl. Joe is still running his mouth and I have a feeling it won’t stop anytime soon. He proposes that they take out the three houseguests upstairs first and keep the original eleven. Did he forget the three can hear him?

Jessica comes downstairs first and I’m disappointed when she doesn’t yell “Five dollars!” at Carol. Dick is next and tells them that Daniele is his daughter and hasn’t spoken to him in two years. Dustin makes an entrance while Joe shoots daggers in his direction. Gonorrhea Boy is a drama queen. Dustin introduces himself and offers his hand to Joe who won’t even look at him. Of the three rivalries, this is the one with the most potential…for the bitch slapping, eye clawing, and hair pulling, that is.

Pulling His Strings
The other twist this season is something new, America’s Player. For the first time in Big Brother history, America will have a say in how a houseguest plays the game. This person will follow our instructions throughout the game including how to vote and who to showmance. Who is our puppet, America? It’s Eric, the dorky, annoying, little guy. He’s more excited about it than I am and says he’s doing it for all of the internet bloggers, the live feed watchers(that’d be me), and the lazy asses on the couch(also me). We’re pulling his strings, America. He’s doing it for us. The Chenbot says we’ll give instructions to Eric every episode beginning this Sunday. For every five tasks he completes, he wins $10,000. Julie says the power is in our hands, America. Hmm, I’m thinking if we’re calling the shots, we should also get a cut of the winnings. I mean, it’s only fair. The puppet is only as good as the puppet master.

Will the enemies turn the other cheek and work together? Or will they duke it out until the end? In Jameka‘s words...“This is going to be a crazy and interesting summer.”

How flexible are your nether regions? PM me.

[Google]

 

[lei]

Brilliant recap, lildago!!!

And thank you for pinpointing whom Zach reminds me of -- that was driving me crazy.

[Snitch]

thanks for the recap

[DesertRose]

Excellent recap lildago, as always!

[waywyrd]

CBS has diligently searched myspace the country for this season’s houseguests.

This girl has complete marshmallow between the ears. Or maybe all the silicone has travelled upward.

Dustin, as well as the other houseguests, are shocked at Joe’s public gonorrheal proclamation but I am delighted with the drama. Let’s see how fast he clears out the hot tub later.

Loved the recap, lil! A perfect way to start the season.

[MissThing]

Very funny, lil !

[Mariner]

Great job lil! A fine way to kick off the season.

[AshleyPSU]

Awesome recap lildago! Very funny!

[suncat7]

Great job, Lildago!

[Yardgnome]

Great recap, Lil!

I can't wait to get home and watch it although your recap is I am sure 100 times better.