Hello readers! Welcome back to another Sunday night with me and the gang of idiots, I mean the house guests. I hope you have all read Ms Froggy’s live show recap here and LG’s most hamsterific analysis, here. There may be a quiz, after all and it is best to be prepared.
As you know, summers are a very busy time for us all, and I am no exception. So, preferring to scrub out my shower to watching the hamsters, I’ve asked two of my close friends, who also happen to be sports announcers, to do the commentary for this show. So let’s all give a warm FoRT welcome to Dick Buttonholes: and John Maddog. Take it away, guys!
JOHN MADDOG: Well, thank you very much IC, we appreciate the opportunity to call this even for you – don’t we Dick?
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Why, yes, we do. I am sure these athletes are all in peak condition and will make this an exciting competition for us all at home watching.
JOHN MADDOG: Errr, Dick. We’re not at home, buddy, we’re high in the sky in the CBS Big Brother Blimp.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Yes, I know, John. I was just trying to align myself with the masses. Let’s get to the competition, shall we? We see the houseguests competing for HoH by standing on a ledge that periodically shakes while trash is thrown at them. The ledge is leaning forward at quite an angle and the hamsters must hold on to a bar to keep from falling. Most of them are using the classic palms out grip – some are doing a lean into the bar, almost resting on their forearms.
JOHN MADDOG: Right you are, Dick. Let’s take a look at the players, shall we? We’ve got 9 players in the comp at this point: Jessie, Renny, Jerry, Memphis, Ollie, Michelle, Libra, Dan, and April. It would seem this is the guys’ competition to lose, don’t you think Dick?
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Well, historically the guys have not done all that well at this type of endurance competition. They tend to weigh more and have a tougher time balancing their bulk on ledges like this. We’d have to go all the way back to the Olympics of 1916 to see the last time a guy won this event.
JOHN MADDOG: Errr, Dick. This is not an Olympic event. Check your notes, buddy.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Oh, you’re right, I did get my notes mixed up, color me goofy. I still think this type of comp would tend to favor a woman, though John.
JOHN MADDOG: Hey, looks like we have a development, Dick – Jessie is questioning Renny about who she would put up if she won. Do you think that is some kind of kissing up strategy?
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Well, I think it could be, but that would mean Jessie has more brains than my goldfish, and I don’t think that is true. I think he is just being an idiot and…
JOHN MADDOG: Hey, sorry to interrupt you there, Dick, but we’ve lost our first player – it looks like the geezer is out, folks. Well, he lasted about ten minutes longer than I thought he would, so kudos to you, Jerry.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: John, it looks like Jessie is using a classic strategy – whether by design or just dumb luck, he has actually driven Libra off the wall with his insane prattling on about separating men from the boys and muscle groups. She’s looking none to happy about it either.
JOHN MADDOG: How can you tell, Dick, that’s the same angry face I’ve seen on her in every piece of footage we’ve looked at.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Right you are John, she is one mean bitch. Looks like our young school teacher is having a bit of a struggle up there on the wall, John. Either that or he is trying to work on his Flash Dance routine for his next parent-teacher day conference. Though, I have seen this in the past from him – he seems to avoid winning competitions to lessen the target on his back. It seems to be working, since his name has not come up in nominations for quite some time.
JOHN MADDOG: Libra may be onto him, though Dick. He may be on his last legs for that strategy.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Well, John, they’ve been up there nearly an hour now and - whoa, did you see that? Ollie is off the wall. I did not see that coming.
JOHN MADDOG: Let’s see that in slow motion replay, shall we?
DICK BUTTONHOLES: We don’t have slow motion replay, John.
JOHN MADDOG: Oh, too bad. What’s this, it looks like the muscle bound meathead, Jessie, is not looking to strong at the moment. He’s grunting more than Serena Williams at Wimbledon.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: And he is twisting around quite a bit as well, John. Really not good form at all. I don’t think he’ll be able to hang on much longer and, well, there he goes. Now he is ranting and raving about this being a bogus competition. You really hate to see that in a young athlete. He’s making a total ass of himself.
JOHN MADDOG: Well, Dick, I don’t think that’s the first time he’s exhibited ass-like behavior. He seems to be pretty well practiced at it.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: We’ve got Memphis, Michelle, April, and Renny still up on the ledge. Who could believe it that socialite Renny could be holding her own amongst these younger competitors. She’s really something, isn’t she? Oh, and what is that? Dan, from the sidelines, is offering up motivational speeches to all the competitors left – now that is sportsmanship.
JOHN MADDOG: You said it, Dick. Memphis seems to be trying for a deal with April who is just blowing him off. It’s obvious that he is struggling and she is hanging in there just fine. What would you call that pose she is doing now, Dick?
DICK BUTTONHOLES: I think that is Maxim 101, John. You can tell by the straight legged bend over with the not so subtle breast squeeze. Classic men’s magazine.
JOHN MADDOG: I thought it looked familiar. Oh, and now we have lost Memphis. Just three ladies left, Dick and they are all looking good. I wonder if that Renny is single?
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Renny is really impressing me, John. But it looks like she is struggling a bit now. Shifting a lot and going to the one arm swing. That is never good. And there she goes.
JOHN MADDOG: Two women left now. April looks strong – this set up favors a shorter gal, doesn’t it?
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Yes, John, the bar is set at a height that would favor a shorter person, though I would have thought that April’s, errrr, assets would be making her a bit top heavy and more likely to topple over, but she is holding on. Michelle seems to really be struggling. She is whispering something to April, perhaps trying to make a deal. And yes, our sound guys confirm that April has offered her safety for this week if she would drop. Michelle seems uncertain, so April sweetens the offer by telling her that Jessie is safe as well and not her target. Wow, folks, this may be the competition right now if Michelle takes the bait.
JOHN MADDOG: Risky move on her part, Dick. Deals made in the heat of battle have been notoriously untrustworthy. But she may be out of any other options at this point.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: And Michelle drops off! She drops off, folks. She is now experiencing the agony of defeat. April has won the HoH. John, do you think she will honor her offers.
JOHN MADDOG: Hard to say at this point, Dick. April has not shown strong sportsmanship so far in the house. Oh, and I am right. The Mean Girls are in the back bedroom (April, Libra and Keesha) are going over the verbiage she used trying to find any loopholes. And it seems as though there may be one! Yes, folks, they have one. Jessie may be ‘safe’ and he may not be a target, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t get nominated. The classic ‘he’s just a pawn’ strategy is in play again, folks. Let’s hope he doesn’t get Dustinized, for that will throw the house in an uproar.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Hey John, look at this screen, Keesha is talking to Memphis and April does not like it! Apparently, Memphis is the enemy this week and fraternization with the enemy is absolutely verboten. April spouts this information to Libra seemingly unaware that Renny is right there listening to every word. Later, Renny tells this to Keesha who says she will talk to whoever she wants to in this game.
JOHN MADDOG: New development, Dick. Seems like America is going to have a voice in this game in the form of young Dan. His first task is to get Jessie nominated. Seems like a cake walk to me. Oh and there he goes, talking to April in the bathroom. Good choice in venue, that is. April does tend to spend a good three hours a day applying the spackle to her face every morning. Seems like he is doing an obvious sell – a bit risky, but he may be right in that April may not pick up on any kind of subtle clue.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: And here are the nominations, folks. True to her word, April pulls out Michelle’s key first and she is safe. Keys for everyone but Memphis and Jessie are pulled out. April says that Jessie is a strong competitor and Memphis has already won a car, so that is why she nominated them. Michelle hopes April will keep her word that Jessie is not the target and Memphis is hoping he will win PoV to guarantee his safety. Jessie thinks he’s too pretty to be nominated.
JOHN MADDOG: Well, folks, that’s the show. Dick and I have sure had fun bringing it to you.
DICK BUTTONHOLES: Make sure to tune in for Tuesday’s show, or save the electricity and just read the wonderful Yardgnome’s recap.
Many thanks to my pals, John Maddog and Dick Buttonholes: for filling in for me. My tile has never been cleaner….