I don't know what is worse, the fact that all the people on this horribly misguided season of Big Brother are so unlikeable or that CBS perversely insists on bringing one of them back seemingly every other week. First it's Sharon to even out the pairs, then Amanda and Allison get sick, yet they both get come back, then they finally vote out Ryan and Allison, but it's as if Big Brother hates to see any of these losers go and Ryan is spared. Then Big Brother comes up with the brilliant idea of letting America vote another one back in. Groan. At this rate, I'll still be here watching the worst Big Brother cast ever being evicted and voted back in for the 798th time when my first Social Security check arrives in the mail roughly three decades from now.
- I said it's on!
- No, I said it's on!
- Yeah, yeah? Well, I said it first, so dibs!
The week was rife with waffling, gossip, bickering, backstabbing and more gossip than in a Junior High cafeteria during lunch hour. Everybody was suspicious of everybody else, fights broke out, promises were made left and right, Sheila finally made a move and as usual none of them could keep their mouths shut, not even for a minute. Now James and Sharon are on the block and somebody is getting the heave-ho. Or are they? I feel like I'm repeating myself. Isn't this what I said last week too?
According to Julie, this is day 35 and “it's been a week of emerging power players”. I could go with that. Josh and Matt fought it out like two alley cats, while Sheila quietly sneaked in and worked to get rid of James. After the veto ceremony, Matt celebrates with a childish outburst, storming through the house shouting “It's on! It's on!”. Chelsia is livid and confronts Ryan demanding answers. Ryan claims that it's hard for him to put up Matty. Josh and Matt join in and the whole talk quickly degenerates into a childish shouting match as they trade insults that lead nowhere, though she inadvertently repeats Matt's mantra saying “It's on!”. These hamsters are so original! Ryan and Josh come to a mutual understanding and declare that despite James being on the block, they're cool.
Meanwhile, the other party in this little drama is Sharon, who is convinced that she's going home. She confesses that she doesn't feel safe. That's very astute of her, seeing as how she's on the block and all that. Natalie reassures her that they want James gone and she'll be staying. Matt says he wanted a super duper all boy
playgroundalliance, but since Jamesy grew a brain and didn't want to get in line behind Matt, he is now going home. Are you with me so far? There's more stupidity where that came from.
The action moves to the backyard where the houseguests bake in the sun and eye each other with suspicion. Josh and Matt get into it yet again. More words are thrown around. Sharon begs Josh to shut up because his big mouth might hurt her. But you can't silence the mighty Josh! In the Diary Room he declares ominously that he's really set off when somebody wants to silence him. Oooh! That's so scary!
A kissing offense
Later, Sharon and Sheila have a little girl talk on the patio. Sharon spills about the week when she and Josh were HoH and how Matty worked hard to assure his safety by kissing Sharon on the HoH bed. Apparently he wasn't any good. Sheila is stunned by this revelation, although I don't see why. There's been more spit swapping on one week of Big Brother 9 than in all the previous seasons combined. Not to mention all the other stuff you're better off not knowing. Trust me on this one.
In good BB9 fashion, no secret stays a secret in this house. Armed with new gossip, Sheila sits down to talk with Natalie in the HoH bedroom and tells her all about Sharon and Matt sucking face. Natalie's eyes bug out, she gasps loudly and you can practically see both of her braincells slowly circling in her skull, hitting the bony walls at warp speed, confused, cold and shaking. Natalie declares she no longer trusts Matt, saying her gut is telling her that she needs to get rid of Sharon. Hmm, wonder why? It wouldn't have anything to do with Matt, would it? Sheila agrees. In the Diary Room Natalie says she can see Sharon and Matt getting closer and that Matt might take Sharon to the end instead of her. She wants to keep James.
No sooner is the plan hatched, James walks in and the two girls fill him in. James is convinced they'll have the votes and the two agree, but Sheila wants assurances that if they save him he won't turn around and go back with the boys. Words are given and promises are made. But wait! Matt approaches Natalie in the bathroom and she tells him she'll be looking out for her own interests. They take their talk to the bedroom and the discussion quickly turns to Matt's treatment of Natalie. She wants him to be nicer and to treat her better. He says he doesn't like any girls in the house. They bicker some more and Matty threatens to move out of their shared bed. She quickly retreats. If you want to bash your head against the wall and poke your eyes out with bamboo skewers now, I'll understand. I feel the same way myself.
Vote? What vote?
Finally, Julie goes live to the Living Room and wants to know about Matt's silly blowout after the Veto Ceremony. He says he wasn't sure it was going to go his way and his emotions got the best of him. Julie then asks Natalie whether her relationship with Matt changed after the pairs split. Natalie says that's a difficult question, but goes on to say that nothing has changed and they still share a bed. She takes this as a sign that Matt likes her. I take it as a sign of something else entirely, but that may just be me and my brain on Big Brother 9. Sheila is presented with a cutesy montage of herself sporting the infamous red unitard, and the houseguests unanimously raise their hands to say that Sheila wore it much better than Jen.
Because we have a lot of time to kill, we get an update of the evicted houseguests who have been sequestered this whole time in anticipation of being voted back into the house. We find Jacob praying and hoping to get back in the house and back together with Sharon. Jen and Parker feel slighted and frustrated. Jen would go back and play the game with a vengeance. Parker wouldn't hold back anymore. Alex and Amanda fight like cats and dogs even while lounging by a pool. Alex doesn't want to be Mr. Nice Guy anymore and vows to fight if given a chance and Amanda just wants to prove herself. Allison wants revenge and feels she deserves to get it. Nobody wants her back, so it would be great if America would bring her back just for that.
All six are assembled in front of the door and after Julie tells Allison that Ryan is now HoH, she explains that even though America voted one of them back in the house, the houseguests will still have the power to vote back either the newly evicted houseguest or America's pick. Except they won't be told who got picked, making the whole thing into a Devil-you-know vs. Devil-you-don't choice. The houseguest going back in will return in a giant gift box with a bow on top. I must congratulate CBS for such an inventive way of nullifying an entire week's worth of audience voting. I wonder how long it took them to come up with this twist. After all this introduction, Alex is finally told that he's the one America wants back in the house. He looks very happy which is puzzling. Given a choice between sipping margaritas by a pool and being locked in the house with this sorry bunch, there's no question which one I'd take.
Return to sender
The votes have already been cast and Julie reveals that James is evicted by a vote of 5 to 1. Chelsia weeps and hugs him and is the only one to see him to the door, the others don't even get up. James is out the door quickly to talk to Julie and explains that he asked the others not to get up and say goodbye to him if they've voted him out. It's how this house is, filled with people who don't honor their word. He says that Sheila is playing the best game, being a low key person, but what Julie really wants to know is what his feelings are for Chelsia. He really likes her, he says, and after watching Chelsia's emotional farewell message he goes further saying he loves her a lot, although it's not that kind of love. Aww!
James seems resigned to his eviction, so he is stunned when Julie announces that the houseguests may be voting either him or America's Choice back into the house within minutes. Back in the house the ominous siren sounds and the houseguests scurry back into the Living Room. Speculation is rampant and they immediately think James is coming back. Julie informs them that there will be an immediate live vote. She shows them the big blue box and says that it contains one of the evicted houseguests that America voted for. They're given the choice to bring back either the Mystery Houseguest or James. Ryan, Matt, Sheila vote for the Mystery Houseguest while Chelsia, Joshua, Natalie, Adam and Sharon vote to bring back James. By a vote of 5 to 3, James is voted back in the house. The big blue box is wheeled into the Living Room. Chelsia stares at it tearfully as out pops the recently departed James. Poor Alex never even got to sit in the box. Thanks for voting, America!
There's a brief celebration, some hugging but they all quickly head out to the backyard for the HoH competition. Seems the hamsters at least don't want to waste our time any further.
Chained to the ball
A complicated looking setup with a huge disco ball dominates the whole backyard. There are chains hanging off of a huge circular rig, chains with disco balls on the end of each and a small gold platform. The houseguests are asked to hold on to a chain while standing above their disco ball on the small gold platform. When they're all set, all except Ryan, the whole thingamajig is raised into the air. This is an endurance competition titled “Big Brother Disco”. Whoever falls off will be eliminated. The last one standing wins HoH. The crane lifts the houseguests up and down, the circle spins and they're hanging on. After the commercial Big Brother starts showering them with “champagne” foam to celebrate. As we leave them hanging the show is over. I breathe a big sigh of relief. If there's no more time left in the show, nobody else can come back!
Want to know who hung on the longest? Well, you could Google it, or peek into the Live Feed Forum, but what kind of fun would that be? Wouldn't you rather wait till Sunday? I thought so! The clever AshleyPSU will have the winner and all the other fluff you never knew you wanted to know.
Should the United Nations be convened for a special session to put an end to ill-conceived twists that go horribly wrong on Big Brother? PM me.