Let me start this off with a bit of good news. There is only this recap and Sunday's reheated leftovers show standing between you and what will probably be the most joyous day in your life – not counting the birth of your child, your wedding day and the day you first discovered reality TV, of course: the finale of Big Brother 8 next Tuesday. Just imagine, if you will, entire magnificent weeks and months stretching ahead of you, devoid of three weekly helpings of Big Brother slime. I can not only imagine such a sublime future, but I'm practically itching to eradicate the memory of this sorry installment of BB from my brain. Soon, my fellow tortured viewers, very soon.
As you can pretty much predict by now, this is where BB does the whole reheat and repeat thing, where we find out such crucial details as who did what the previous week, just when we have all managed to blissfully block from our minds a full week's worth of action, or rather non-action. So, briefly:
- Zach won HoH
- Zach nominated Dick and Daniele (even though it didn't make any difference) and made the lamest speech in BB history (aside from BBAS Erica's delusional final two speech)
- Zach found Jesus ('cause you always find religion when there are 500,000 bucks on the line)
- Dani won the veto and took her dad off the block (sniff, sniff)
- Jameka was finally shoved down the rabbit hole, I mean, out the door (Ah! The power of prayer!)
Hop, skip and jump
Now that we're all caught up – well, almost - Julie shows up in an outfit that surprisingly doesn't make me cringe, with hair at an acceptable 6.3 on the HPS (Hair Poofiness Scale, for the uninitiated) and those ever present cue cards without which she'd surely stumble. She says it's day 76 in the Big Brother house and there are only three hamsters left in the cage. Last time Julie had to bother to come to work, the house guests started one of the most
idioticbrutal competitions to date, called “The Bunny Hop”. We left them standing on carrots, surrounded by a field of carrots, holding on to a big key, hopping over a rotating arm with a fake bunny on it. Yippee! Excitement! Or not. About 3 minutes in, this thing got really old. Hop. Hop. Hop. Just when we were all going to nod off, BB had the brilliant idea of starting a thunderstorm and cold water started to rain down on our hamsters, drenching them and making them shiver with cold.
Dani says the water was freezing cold. About an hour in she already looked miserable, just when BB started hitting them with mud. At the 2 hour 20 minute mark, Dani silently mouthed to Dick to distract Zach by talking to him. Dick took the suggestion and ran with it. I mean, hopped. He dug up things Zach said and did in the house, and proceeded to “question” him about them. How did Zach fix the, er, rift with Jameka? What about Zach's desire to “own a midget”? Dick tells Zach to “do the teeth thing” because he does it all the time when he's nervous. Zach immediately shows us his “big ole' poker piano keys” that he's got for teeth, which according to Dick, Zach's dentist daddy should've fixed. Zach just stays silent and bares his fangs. Dani shivers and when the rotating arm with the bunny suddenly slows down, she fails to react in time and backs off her carrot, thus being eliminated. She immediately rushes inside to take a hot shower, sobbing the entire time.
Are you still awake? Just checking.
When Dick starts taunting him again, Zach finally finds a way to respond that doesn't involve speaking, and proceeds to point at Dick while laughing maniacally. He screams like a lunatic, something about a tattoo and not giving up. Dani comes outside to encourage her father, even as the showers get more intense and Dick grows more and more uncomfortable. At the 7 hour mark, Dick can no longer move his legs. Dani keeps encouraging him, but he looks to be in a lot of pain. Zach bares his fangs, keeps shivering but hangs on. Finally Dani tells her father that “if [he] can't do it, it's okay”. After 7 hours and 32 minutes of agony, Dick lets go of his key and jumps off the carrot.
BB plays big sweeping heroic music, stuff Hollywood usually reserves for movies like “Top Gun” or “A Few Good Men”. Dick confesses in the DR that he let both himself and Daniele down. Daniele hugs her father and tells him that she loves him. It only took her 76 days. Zach says Dick was like a drill sergeant to him, instead of breaking him as he intended, he pushed Zach to hang on.
HoH part deux
Part two of the HoH competition is called “Chain of Command”, in which Dick faces off against Daniele, is a timed game. Two large water tanks are set up in the backyard with a wooden bridge between them. One tank contains pieces of a puzzle which the contestants have to retrieve and bring over to the other tank, where pictures of all the HoH winners are pasted on the glass. They need to arrange the puzzle pieces in such a way that a curved line starting at the first HoH winner will lead to the face of the latest HoH winner. Daniele goes first and she does well, but she admits she is not too good at puzzles. Dick has an easier time and when their times are revealed we find out that Dick finished in 12 minutes 48 seconds, almost twice as fast as Daniele did.
Dani thinks her loss was embarrassing and she pouts while filing her nails in the bedroom. Dick is confident he will be able to take Zach in the final round, which is a questions round.
Julie rejoins the hamsters in the Living Room and starts off asking Daniele about her relationship with her dad, and how it has grown. She confesses that she would never have imagined they'd be working together and she's willing to concentrate on the positives in the future. Dick says that Daniele finally telling him to step down from the carrot was not what made him quit. Ultimately he just couldn't take it anymore. Julie asks Zach about Dick's verbal abuse of him which lasted for hours. He says he was numb in body and in mind and he just couldn't hear Dick. Or so he says.
The hamster exile house
Have you missed the sight of Eric pawing Jessica under the covers and kissing her why she laid there unmoving? Are you nostalgic for the good old days when Amber spent her time sobbing and clinging to Dustin? Big Brother wants to help you out – all three of you - by offering up a montage of our evicted hamsters living the good life in sequester. Eric is courting Jessica by the pool stroking her knee and telling her he might visit her in Kansas or Kentucky or wherever, while Dustin and Amber gossip and speculate about their relationship. In other words, business as usual.
When Jameka shows up in the evening, they're all shocked and dejected. They wanted to see a Donato walk through those doors. Dustin is angry. He also says that the walls are thin in this house and loud noises coming from Eric and Jessica's room keep people awake at night. I'm sorry, I didn't make that up just to gross you out, he really did say this. Again, I'm truly sorry, I'm just reporting things. They all toast with champagne congratulating themselves on being “the best six losers in the Big Brother history”. Jameka brings a DVD with the latest happenings in the house, complete with Zach's dumb speech which Dustin thinks was great. They all feel Dick is losing it.
Third time is the charm
Back in the Living Room, Dick and Zack are all set up for the final leg of the HoH competition. With a big partition between they, they sit facing the TV screen. Julie will read the beginning of six statements made by the jurors in the sequester house. She will then follow up with two possible endings. Their job is to guess how that house guest finished his or her statement. The person with the most correct answers wins the final leg and will become Head of Household.
Daniele screams, runs to her father for a big hug and they celebrate loudly while Dick says “We did it, we did it!!”, punches the divider screen and screams “We won, we won everything!”.
- Amber said - “The moment in the house that irritated me the most was”: A) when Jen cried about her picture or B) being handcuffed to Kail. The correct answer was A, which only Dick got right, giving him 1 point.
- Jen said - “The strongest competitor in th house was”: A) Daniele or B) myself. The correct answer was B, which they both missed.
- Jameka said - “The fatal error I made in the house was”: A) saving Jen with the veto or B) not looking out for myself earlier. The correct answer was B, which they both got right. Dick still leads with 2 points.
- Dustin said - “The most shocking moment in the house was”: A) when I was evicted or B) when Amber went off on Eric. The correct answer was A, which they both missed. Dick still in the lead.
- Eric said - “The funniest moment in the house was”: A) when Jameka told Dick that his momma was a bitch or B) when Jen said “I will now perform eating”. Dick asks Julie to repeat the last statement, then both of them guess A, which was the correct answer.
- Jessica said - “The person whose game play I respected most was”: A) my own or B) Eric's. They both answer B, however Jessica was apparently very self-centered because the correct answer was A. Dick, leading by one point, wins the final HoH.
In his final speech Zach says he “played against the best of the best”, he lost, but that when father and daughter end up winning all that cash Zach hopes they'll be thinking of his inventions. Huh? Did I miss something? Did Zach invent anything besides the number one way to make absolutely no friends even when you're locked away with 13 other people for three whole months? I do agree that he should have that amazing method patented. Daniele thanks her father, says neither would have made as far as they did without the other and declares that she would be honored to be sitting beside him in the final two.
Dick makes short work of it telling Zach he's out and yells to Daniele again that they did it. Dick kicks the innocent garbage can in the kitchen as Zach walks out the door to meet the Julienator. In his final interview Zach is finally called upon to explain the complete lack of game and strategy that characterized his stay in the house. He says after the initial boys plus Kail (remember her?) alliance fell apart he decided to lay low. When Nick left he envisioned that him and Daniele would be getting closer and he'd be able to ride the Donatos' coattails till the very end. Sometime after laying low he decided to not lay low anymore and start socializing thereby establishing better relations with people in the house. But that didn't happen and he started playing and winning. Don't laugh, this is a serious explanation. Julie wants to know how he feels about the Donatos. Zach hated their tactics which didn't work against Zach, of course, but they worked against Dick's other foes like Amber, Jen and Jameka. He claims there was no formal alliance between him and the Donatos and putting them up was only a way to buy favor with the jury, since he's got no friends on there. After some decent goodbye messages from the Donatos, Zach finally leaves.
Since I started off this recap with a piece of good news, I think I'm going to end my Big Brother 8 run with another piece of good news. This familial final two is sure to send our furry rodent jury into untold depths of sheer despair, it's sure to make them sick to their furry little stomachs and cause them to squeal with frustrated rage. This, my fellow patient BB watchers, is the absolute number one reason to watch the finale, just to see their faces when Zach walks in the door and they realize they'll be forced to dump $550K into the Donato family coffers. Hee! The other reason would be... Hmm, I racked my brain trying to come up with another reason but I just couldn't.
In case you were wondering, Eric's time as America's Bitch is not at an end yet. His vote is our vote once more, and he'll be campaigning and voting for whomever we pick to win. I'm sure he'll complete this task with about as much enthusiasm as he'd throw into wearing a rat suit to the finale had we asked him to. Why didn't we? I'd have enjoyed voting for that task immensely. In parting, I'd like to offer the jury a completely stress-free way of picking the winner: eeeny meeny miney mo...
Tune in for the big finale to watch the jury huff and puff, Nick reunite with Daniele, Eric spill his guts and maybe some spontaneous violence as the hamsters realize that they've been played. I guess there are a couple of other reasons to watch the finale after all.
Thanks for reading. Peace.
I'd like to thank furry rodents everywhere for their furriness, and I'd also like to thank the unsung heroes of this season, helpless witnesses of Dick's early morning laundry and spitting sessions, the backyard topiaries.