I have a confession to make. I haven’t really been following this season very closely. I blame CBS for this, because it appears they cast a crew of people who have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I realize that for those of you watching religiously – and not in a Jameka and Amber kind of way, more of a “oh my god, there’s a car wreck, I must look!” way – that’s old news. I just had to get it off my chest.
Last time, Jessica became HOH and nominated Zach and Amber for eviction. We rejoin the action with the typical doom-and-gloom, black-and-white replay of that entire process, as if Big Brother doesn’t think we can remember what we saw two days ago.
“Hello? God? Is This Thing On? Testing, One, Two, Three”
Finally color seeps back onto the TV screen, along with our nominees’ predictable reactions. Zach is pissed because Jessica flat-out told him she trusted him, and obviously she doesn’t since she nominated him, and so “that was just a bold-faced lie,” he says. And if he gets a chance to repay the favor, Zach intones, he will.
Amber believes she’s safe and that God is looking out for her, and that to worry about it actually shows doubt in God. Wow. That reminds me of the old fable about a man in a flood, sitting atop his house to avoid the rising waters, turning away several people in boats who offer to rescue him, saying that God will provide. And then when he inevitably drowns and asks God what happened, God points out that he sent all these boats, and it’s not His fault if the man was too stupid to take one. Anyway, my point is, it wouldn’t hurt Amber to worry a little and get off her duff and try to work her way out of this one.
Especially because the nominations have thrilled Dick and Daniele. Dick says his alliance is “rolling through the house like a steamroller,” which is a vivid description that I wish Big Brother would take more literally. Daniele blathers something about being glad, but knowing you can’t trust people, blah blah blah. Dull.
But Amber is having trouble sticking to her “don’t question God” thing. In confessional, she cries, asking God to help her be strong. She seems to be talking into her hand, and while I eventually realize her hand is clutching a cross like it’s the only thing between her and certain death, it really does look more like she thinks she’s talking into a microphone straight to God’s ears. Like God doesn’t have better things to do than interfere in BB nominations, anyway?
An Interlude So Dull I Can’t Even Think of a Title
In the bathroom, Daniele tries to comfort Zach in the shower. No, not like that! You dirty-minded things. No, she stays outside the stall. She tells him everyone gets nominated eventually. Incidentally, why is she wearing cowboy boots and a babydoll shirt? Anyway, Zach says he’s screwed on the POV if he doesn’t win, because no one else will use it on him if they win it. He tells us he feels on shaky ground, and doesn’t know where he stands with others. Daniele tells him he has plenty of time and leaves him to his shower.
Jameka comes into Jessica’s room with Eric, to rehash the whole nomination thing. Jessica asks them if her nominations were ok. She feels bad for Amber but says she told the truth, even though nominating someone is like saying to them, “your dream might be over.”
Jameka was surprised by the nominations and also feels bad for Amber, except she means it. Daniele comes in too, and asks if Jessica is ok. Jessica thought Zach might start crying, and will hate her. But, she says, it’s getting to the point where you can’t throw the POV, you have to fight for it.
Jameka hopes Jessica’s intention isn’t to get Amber, but to backdoor Danielle. But she didn’t get Jessica to indicate anything like that, so she reports back to Amber that she couldn’t find out anything. Amber, who is apparently back in her “God will take care of everything” mode, says there’s no point in worrying. Amber thinks that Jessica didn’t want to put up Dick or Danielle at first because they help each other. She thinks Jessica will take Zach out if the nominations remain as they are. Amber thinks people use her as a pawn, but at the same time they keep her around for that reason.
Outside, that night, Eric and Jessica are lying around. He asks if she ever thought she’d find a five foot seven Jewish boy to touch her the way he does. Ew. Ew. He says they’re in trouble because eventually they can’t resist each other. They talk in some weird way about getting married, and she tells us she sees wedding bells in their future? What? Is this a joke? I realize I haven’t been really keeping up here, but I do know Eric is doing what we, as America, tell him to do. I had no idea he was leading this little airhead so far down the garden path, though.
I’m, Like, Totally Way Into God, and Stuff.
Back inside, Jamkea is also in tears while praying. She says she felt compelled to pray and thank God for having another week to play and live out her dreams. Jessica comes in and asks brightly if she’s ok. “Just praying,” Jameka whispers. “What?” Jessica yells. She says she thought at first Jameka fell and hurt herself. Oblivious to the fact that when people are on their knees praying and crying, they do often prefer to do so in private, Jessica asks Jameka if she wants to be alone, and then offers Jameka a hug. This is apparently bonding time, because then Jessica tells her that she is “way into church too.” “I just don’t talk about it a lot here because I don’t go to church here and I feel like I can’t. But praying is like totally cool and everything,” Jessica says. I weep for the future. They go on to discuss Catholic schools and communion, which is an experience Jameka never had.
Later, Zach drags Jessica into a room to tell her he didn’t see his nomination coming. He claims that it makes sense, because he says Dick and Daniele are explosive and destructive and Jessica would understandably have too much to fear to put them up immediately. “They have a strong advantage in this game that no one else has,” he says. Zach goes on to point out that next week, if they’re not nominated or HOH, they’ll decide who goes. He’s hinting at a backdoor plan, and hopes Jessica will go with it. He thinks this is the best chance to get rid of one of them. Jessica tells us she doesn’t trust Dick and Danielle, even though she has an agreement with them. Zach tells her she has a great chance to upset the game.
More Like the Power of Ten IQ Points
Now everyone has gathered together in a room. Apparently last week Amber and Danielle won something and went off somewhere mysterious to play a game to win money. Now we see they played a game show hosted by Drew Carey called “Power of Ten.” Theoretically, one of them could win $10 million (seriously? Did I hear that right? It could have been one million. But still, a lot). At any rate, I’m sure Drew Carey was not in any fear of having to cough up that kind of prize money, given the brains between those two.
A picture of Daniele’s boyfriend flashes on the TV screen – I gather that he was at the game show, ready to help Daniele out if she got that far. As it turns out, though, she never needs him. Daniele and Amber have to compete to see who gets to keep playing, by guessing the percentage of Americans who’ve looked in someone else’s medicine cabinet. Amber is quicker on the draw, so she gets $10,000 and a chance to win more, while Daniele’s out. Dick tells us he’s surprised, since Amber is “not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”
Her next question is about the percentage of people who don’t think people should keep pitbulls as pets. She loses that one, so that was fast. Dick tells her not to feel bad, and congratulations. Daniele is still crying about not even seeing her boyfriend.
Cover the Children’s Eyes, This Ain’t Pretty
In the bathroom, Eric says Jessica and he have been getting closer. Jess is down to earth and outrageous and a lot of fun to be around, he says. It’s apparently bedtime, because Eric goes into Jessica’s room and asks if she wants to hang out a little more. Since she’s already in bed under the covers and says she’s tired, a gentleman might take that as a hint to go away. But not Eric, who hops into bed and takes off his shirt, and only then decides to get back up and turn out the lights. This triggers night-vision-cam, which reveals to us that Eric and Jessica make out for a bit, accompanied by cheesy piano music as if the producers think we really think this is romantic. Jessica starts giggling and tells Eric it’s about time, and that he’s a good kisser. They both claim to be attracted to each other. You know how when you were a kid, and the idea of kissing anyone had you making barf noises? Yeah, that’s kind of how I feel right now.
Rodents Of Unusual Size
After all this blather, it’s finally veto competition time. Amber hopes Daniele and Dick don’t win, or don’t get to play, because she knows they’ll fight to keep the nominations the same. Unfortunately, Daniele’s name is the first one called, and she’s on Amber’s team. Zach gets his choice, and picks Eric, telling us he thinks there’s a better chance of Eric using the veto to save Zach. Amber gets her pal Jameka, which makes her happy because, she says, “if it’s in God’s plan she will fight and try to win and take me off the block.” What if it’s NOT in God’s plan, and Jameka fights for it anyway, wouldn’t that be subverting God’s plan? Amber could be condemning her girl straight to hell. I hope she’s thought of that.
Oh, and Dick will be the host.
Eric and Zach go into the weight room to talk. Zach tells him he knows it’s hard to put Dick and Daniele on the block. But he thinks they need to get one of them out while they still have four people. He doesn’t know if Eric’s on the same plane, but says if he can win the POV, he’s using it. Zach does promise that if it turns out he comes off the block and either Dick or Daniele goes up on it, his vote is solid to take one of them out. Eric claims he knows of no master plan. He tells us that Zach makes compelling arguments about the threat Dick and Daniele pose. They need to go. But he tells Zach he’s open to ideas and different scenarios.
It’s time for the competition. “I think I smell a rat,” Dick shouts, by way of introducing it. This is because the back yard is decorated like a swamp, with cobwebs in trees, nasty ponds of water, etc. I’m looking around for the R.O.U.S.es, but no dice. Instead, we have some asinine cat face in a tree, grinning like some deranged Cheshire Cat, which will utter a word or phrase. The competitors will then race around to find a big fake rat that bears a riddle to which the word the cat uttered is the answer, then race back to a tree stump with their rat. WHO comes up with these things? The last person back to the stumps each time loses, and the last one standing wins.
Oh my god, this is the cheesiest cat thing ever. It has a voice, but its mouth doesn’t move – it just blinks. Urgh.
In the first round, Jessica loses. Eric feels it’s now entirely on him to win, to keep Jessica’s wishes. Zach says when you’re butt’s on the line, you don’t care what you go through. I still pity him the suffering he must be enduring, running around a backlot in L.A. looking for rubber rats in paddle pools. I mean, there may not be mosquitos, or rabid real rats, or other nasty things like an actual swamp, but this has got to be chafing his dignity. I hope.
Jameka says she intends to save Amber if she wins, but they’re both the last two, in the next round. Jameka kindly slows down enough to let Amber hit the stump before she does, thus making it now Amber’s problem to save her own butt.
In the third round, Zach and Amber are the first two back. Eric says it’s important to him to play hard for Jessica; he wants them to dictate what happens, not have it dictated to them. Daniele is playing hard because she wants nominations to remain the same, and is afraid Eric and Jessica will flip on them. But she’s last to the stump, and is out.
Amber says she was so happy about that, knowing Danielle wouldn’t take them off the block. In the next round, Eric and Zach race back for last place and Eric hits the stump and falls forward, helped a bit by Zach coming right behind him. Eric gets to stay in the game, but Amber grumbles that Zach’s pushing was “really rude.” From what little I’ve seen of Amber, I’m going to guess that a simple shove would be the least of Eric’s problems if he’d narrowly beaten HER to the stump, because she just looks like the type of girl who would have a catfight in the halls in high school and be forever known and feared for shoving some other girl’s head into the lockers.
So now Zach’s out, and it’s down to Amber and Eric, which doesn’t provide for a very long denouement – Eric wins.
Eric’s delighted, he feels like he came through in the clutch and it feels good. Amber does not feel good, she’s depressed. “I feel like I want to just crawl in a hole and die,” she says, having apparently forgotten about it being God’s will.
Zach is hopeful, thinking this means there’s a strong potential chance of backdooring Dick or Daniele. So he hugs Eric, which troubles Daniele, who begins to fear that Eric has a side deal going.
In Which Eric Is Oblivious To Good Backdoor Strategy
Later, Daniele tells Dick about this (after they lie silently on couches for a while and he finally asks her what’s wrong and at first she pretends it’s nothing. Oh god, she’s THAT kind of girl). She tells him she’s worried about the veto, but Dick tells her not to worry, that Eric wouldn’t put Jessica in a bad position by changing her nominations. He worries about a side deal with Jameka, though. Dick says they have to get Jessica out. Danielle agrees.
Eric goes to receive his next instructions as America’s Player. He’s told he must kiss the houseguest America has chosen. He expects it to be Dick. But it’s Jessica. “The American people, they’re taking great care of me,” Eric laughs, having apparently forgotten the other silly stuff he’s been forced to do. “But I’m happy to do it again.” We next see Eric gargling mouthwash (which he did last time he tried to kiss Jessica; does he have halitosis or something?). He moves in on Jessica for a hug and a peck, which technically counts as a kiss although, as Big Brother notes, just barely.
Amber and Eric are also now in a room together. Amber says she doesn’t know where he stands, she doesn’t want to be on the block but she knows it puts him in a bad spot to take her off, and she doesn’t want to ask. She gets weepy. “I don’t know what Dick and Danielle are capable of, which is scary,” Amber adds. She says no one wants to be sitting next to her in the final two, and asks Eric if she should be nervous. She tells him her word is golden, but that having Daniele and Dick around is scary.
Eric says he agrees with a lot of what she says, but that a lot of his decision is about honoring what Jessica wants to do. Jessica pops in, and Amber leaves. Jessica tells Eric she’s worried. But he can make his own decision. She wants to know how they can know that Dick and Daniele won’t turn around next week and put them up. She asks if it’s really a benefit to keep them both. “This might be the biggest mistake, like, ever,” Jessica says. Eric points out that they did make an agreement with Dick and Daniele. She says she doesn’t care.
Jessica tells us that Eric might have a secret agenda, that if he really cared he’d use the veto. I’m not sure how he was supposed to get that out of what she said. Never did she specifically say, “Eric, I want you to use the veto.” If she had, he would have. Apparently she thinks he’s a mind-reader.
Amber thinks there’s a good possibility Eric will use the veto, but she isn’t sure. Daniele wouldn’t be shocked if he did, but she’d feel like an idiot. Zach says Daniele tried to backdoor Eric two weeks ago, and thinks if Eric’s a smart player, he’ll put Daniele up.
I Respect Your Selfish Stupidity, Evil One
We finally reach the actual veto meeting, where Eric – talking in some weird grand voice with that even weirder eyebrow tic – invites Amber and Zach to plead their cases. Amber says no one wants to be nominated, she’d love if he used the veto, but that she’ll respect whatever decision he makes.
Zach says he’s one of seven left, and while Eric has the power, he’ll live with whatever decision Eric makes.
Eric says everyone has told him there are clear and present dangers to his safety and to their own safety. He says he views them all as serious threats to him and the HOH. It’s coming down to the end. And he chooses not to use the power of veto.
Amber says it’s “cowardly” and “selfish” and that Eric is “evil and he’s got no soul.” So much for respecting his decision.
Zach is “completely dumbfounded” and says Eric “just made the game harder and stacked the odds against him in this game,” he adds.
Jessica disagrees with Eric’s strategy, but doesn’t want them to fight because they still need each other in the game.
Eric tells America he did it because we wanted Amber nominated.
And that’s it! Turn in Thursday to see which one of these fools gets sent home. I’m torn as to whether I want Amber to stay, and continue providing moments of at least amusement, or send her home because my god, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to award that woman money in the end.