It’s a few hours after the live eviction show, and the Big Brother houseguests are still digesting the shock of the night’s live eviction. Drew comes out of the Diary Room with a special delivery from the production staff. It’s not the hard liquor they’ve all been asking for, it’s eight antacid tablets. Is this some passive-aggressive Big Brother way of telling the hamsters to stop their bellyaching? Or have all the syrupy pretend friendships in the house finally taken their toll on the stomach linings of the remaining contestants? Perhaps it’s simply the aftermath of consuming the 895 pounds of M&M chocolate candies leftover from the luxury competition that have been littering the house. The tender tummies will be explained, but first things first.
These Two Are Still a Couple?
It’s after the live show, where it was revealed that Drew’s loyalties to his cuddle bunny vaporized under the power of a threat from Cowboy. Assumedly, that was part of the program that Diane could not see, but even with a secret vote, everyone knows who voted for whom. Diane and Drew are both sleeping with the enemy; and since Drew’s team knuckled under to another brutal HOH contest, he falls back on his best defensive posture: let Diane blow off steam, respond with grunts and non-committal answers. He’s got that act down pat.
Diane vents her feelings, telling Drew that she’s not mad at him, she’s mad that Will is gone. Which is Drew’s fault, since he didn’t follow her down the twisted path of sucking up to both sides. But again, she’s not mad, nor is she questioning his decision. All he will say is that he made the best decision that he could at the time, and what, is Diane going to hit him now? Diane wants to know what his plans are, and he replies that you can’t look ahead in the game. Some women really dig the challenge of an unemotional man, but I would have at least taken Drew up on the punching bag offer just to get him to open up a crack.
Diane taunts Drew about choosing to align with the twins, then points out that one of them will be joining Will at the sequester house in a week. They both burst out laughing at the thought, and the tension passes.
Hours later, Diane is laying on the bed in the cloud room with Drew, tenderly stroking his hair while he lays on his stomach with his face pressed into a pillow. It’s a sweet picture of young lovers, until you realize that Diane is still grilling him about whether she can trust him, while Drew’s body language clearly says that he wishes he were anywhere else. Drew finally turns his head and snaps at her that he’s been cutting deals right and left. She says she’ll get him to tell all, but he mock growls that she’ll never figure out all his moves. Even though they’re giggling, there’s a note of sincerity in Drew’s voice that makes me wonder if he’s finally made the decision to cut Diane loose, but hasn’t worked up the courage to tell her yet. There’s also the fact that he’s knocked knuckles with a cowpoke who absolutely hates her guts.
Considering Drew and Cowboy's supposed friendship, perhaps it’s just a cover when he joins Diane in mocking Cowboy’s dreams of winning America’s Choice. Diane doesn’t think he has a shot, since America doesn’t want to see a character like Cowboy, Karen or Marvin win the spot. She thinks the spot should go to someone dedicated to becoming an actor after the Big Brother house…which would be, what, ten out of fourteen of them? Diane is so convinced she or Drew deserve the spot, she thinks the producers will rig the contest in their favor.
In another part of the house, Cowboy wants America’s Choice so bad he talks about it incessantly, wondering where in the house they would film it. Hey, there’s cameras all over the place, so it’s not as silly an idea as it sounds. Okay, it is, but I’m trying not to rag on Cowboy so much because he makes it too darn easy.
Even Marvin wants to win, and does a strip tease with honey poured on his body to prove his worthiness. Cowboy treats him to one of his signature malapropisms, calling it “marvieous.” He stumbles over the word, so Marvin helps him pronounce, “marvelous,” telling the others that you just have to learn to speak Cowbonics. I’d give Cowboy the benefit of the doubt and say that he was trying to pull off a clever pun...but no, he wasn’t. Look, it’s not like I pinky sweared to leave him alone.
Quick Snippets of the Impending Bloodbath
Nakomis tells Karen privately that something was up, she was trying to throw the HOH competition. She feels like she was “fingered” to win, though even by running the most evil conspiracies through my head I can’t figure out how the competition could have been slanted toward her. No matter. The plan, as she tells separately to Diane and then to Karen, is payback for the broken pinky swear. She has her nomination speech all prepared: she will tell the twins they can figure it out between themselves, but one of them must give Nakomis a pinky in payment. She doesn’t care if it’s chopped off neatly or smashed to smithereens - she wants a pinky in her hot little hand, and she’s not concerned with the consequences of turning all power-mad like previous HOH’s. Diane must be thrilled to have someone other than herself on the warpath, and warns Nakomis not to be nice during her speech. As Nakomis herself retorts, it’s pretty hard to get “nice” out of the smashing pinky speech. Diane tells her to bring on the extra thrill of rampant paranoia by making everyone in the house feel like they’ll be going up on the block. Can she start with you, Diane?
After the live show, Adria and Natalie find time to commiserate together, upset, angry and riled about having to oust a former ally. They puzzle over Will’s last words to Adria about wishing karma is a boomerang. Spare me the emails, I’m just too tired to track down the real phrasing, which Will had to spit out a few times and still didn’t get across. Natalie tells her it means karma is out to get Adria. “Does that mean Carmen Electra?” wonders Adria, adding eagerly, “I hope so!” I’m reporting Adria’s ignorance of a basic concept of a major world religion to the karma police first thing in the morning.
Adria says that it came down to the fact that Marvin at least told her he would be thankful if he were still in the house next week. She had the power of veto, and no one would let their hair down and beg for a knight in shining armor to rescue them from their prison. And with that, Will is relegated to “been there, done that.” On to the Nakomis bashing.
Adria says Nakomis makes her ill. She should not have come to Adria and told Adria what Adria should have done. Adria resents being preached at by someone ten years younger than Adria, and predicts they will hear some asinine speech tomorrow with Nakomis telling everyone she’s made a decision for the best of the house. Which would be unlike their week, I guess, with it’s pretty ceremony speeches and preachy lectures about how to play on a team. Their raw feelings don't stop Natalie from finding Nakomis after the food competition, drawing her aside for a big hug and a straight up, “I love you, girl, no matter what you do.” Not everyone can say they’ve hugged their blood enemies today.
Apparently the hamsters were asked by producers to list what they would most like to eat for dinner tonight. The unsuspecting little rodents happily piled on the gourmet treats, hoping it was a luxury reward. Long after the dinner hour, Nakomis appears in the living room with an announcement: it’s time for a surprise food competition, and they don’t even need to put on swimwear. Everyone hopes they will be competing for food for the house, not individuals, this week.
They run to the backyard, where a long elegant table has been set up with candelabras and dishes with silver covers. The houseguests take their assigned seats, pull off the covers to find…their favorite foods! Loud screams of joy overwhelm my speakers and send my feeds into frozen robot mode. Nakomis reads from her script as this week’s HOH: it wouldn’t be Big Brother if there wasn’t a twist. It turns out their favorite foods will be converted into the Smoothies From Hell. Each hamster’s entrée, side dishes, dessert and drink will be blended by Nakomis, then must be chugged within three minutes. Each player is competing for a day’s worth of food for the entire house.
The contest starts out roughly, with lots of cuts to feeds and Nakomis re-reading the introduction a few times. Somewhere in there it hits me that the Big Brother elves are calling her Nakomis, but she has to do a retake because she referred to her half-brother as “Cowboy” instead of “Michael.” They film Cowboy getting ready to drink his shake a few times, and he claps and hoots enthusiastically with each take. Finally, the competition begins in earnest with Cowboy chugging his blended meal of Chinese food and Dr. Pepper. He has to chew a bit, but makes it under the three minute deadline.
Next up is Marvin, who apparently told producers he wanted a “big ole’ deep fat fried lobster.” It looks like they took him at his word, because it’s huge, tough and old, resembling a “fried foot,” as Karen puts it. He also requested fried shrimp, french fries, steamed oysters, lemon wedges, and a Corona. Marvin, Marvin, there’s not a vegetable in sight! Ignoring the four food groups hurts him, as he’s unable to choke down the chunky concoction, even regurgitating on his shirt a little. Saturday will be protein shakes and ketchup-and-mayo sandwiches for the houseguests - oops, I mean PB&J, the sandwich least consumed on the PB&J diet.
The competition continues, but by this point I’m distracted by the bemusing spectacle of the houseguests ignoring the competition and chatting away to each other while they wait their turn. Undoubtedly it will be edited down to a few minutes, but getting through all the plates of food takes a long time. Everyone else makes their three-minute deadline without a problem, although the ones that choose beer with their dinner seem to end up with the foulest mixtures. Diane’s meal is practically all vegetables, and tastes like hay. Karen gets her Taco Bell fix, but the rest had the sense to at least order something expensive on Big Brother’s dime. All in all, Saturday will be the only food-restricted day next week.
After the competition, most of the houseguests have visibly distended bellies and are cramping with gas. Big Brother allocates them one Tums tablet apiece. If only they had signed a product placement deal with the Tums Company, there would have been gargantuan glass bowls placed on the ends of the tables during the food competition. What was that figure on the M&M chocolate candies? Nine hundred pounds?
Worth the Wait
Most of the hamsters would be happy to crawl into bed after an emotionally draining day topped off with a nauseating dinner, but Nakomis is waiting for the HOH room to be opened. When she finally gets her key, it’s almost 1:00 a.m., but the room is stocked with genuine treasures - pictures of her sister and of Donald, her boyfriend. But she really sails into orbit when she finds that she also gets a letter from her sister and boyfriend along with each picture. Although she was reluctant to win the competition, she’s happy now. She kicks everyone out, clutches her letters to her chest and kicks back with the headphones on.
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