What if they had a vote, and nobody came? What if one of the houseguests confessed that she is pregnant with Big Brother’s love child? What if the houseguests decided to pile up the Ikea patio furniture high enough to peek over the back yard wall? What if the houseguests stuck on the peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich diet got so delusional with hunger they figured no one would notice if one of the fish in the tank went missing? Well, I’d be the first to tell you about these exciting happenstances if they had actually happened, but as you probably guessed, it was two more days of Dullesville, USA in the Big Brother house. I’ve heard the place across the street was overrun by flesh-eating robots, but in our beloved hamster cage, nothing much happened.
Diane on the Loose!
Tuesday morning, Diane breaks like a cheap wooden salad bowl from Ikea. She decides - if that’s the word, since Diane seems to be 99% impulse and 1% rational thought - to tell Will he’s bound for glory soon. She tries to clue him in that he’s not safe this week without telling him Drew’s vote, and manages to get out that it should be a 3-3 tie, with Adria casting the deciding vote. She doesn’t say, “I was spying on you for my twin brethren,” just uses vague terms to tell him that it seems like Adria is pretty mad at him and ready to see him go.
Diane tells Drew that she broke her silence, and that she really trusts Will, Nakomis and Karen. Drew, always a quick head in a crisis, says he’s a little freaked out, what’s he going to do? Diane’s saved from clubbing him over the head in frustration when Adria interrupts the conversation. Diane tells her to “put me up and kick me out.” Ah, finally someone who begs to be handled by the queen, but it’s too late for any changes, so maybe it was a joke.
Will realizes he needs to try to mend fences with Drew - make that construct fences out of clouds and air, since Will has never given Drew any time or attention related to the game. No, watching him do laundry with a lustful eye does not count. He gets Drew alone to reassure them of their solid friendship, and tells Drew he has never been a target of Will’s. Drew likes to reply to this sort of statement with, “Right. Uh huh. Right.” Now multiply a few dozen times, and it’s another heartwarming Big Brother moment.
Cowpoke and Drew, A Love Story
Drew invites Cowboy to study the Bible with him, but it’s just a cover for a man-to-man talk about Drew’s morbid attraction to Diane, otherwise known as Loose Lips. Cowboy gently tells him that he thinks Diane is playing him, much as Holly did to their late beloved leader, the J-Man. Drew ruminates on how Jase would make an agreement with the Horsedudes, would spend some time with Holly, and would come back a changed man. He has an epiphany - hormones! Hormones are clogging his system, making him blind to Diane’s deviousness. He tells Cowboy that he now knows that if he loses the game, and it’s because of a girl…well, he’ll never be able to look at himself in the mirror again, and that might make it difficult to maintain his high level of shavedness. What he needs, he tells Cowboy, is to detox from Diane, find some kind of antidote to her feminine wiles. Then roughly he grabs Cowboy’s supple shoulders and draws him close for a passionate kiss. Okay, that last bit was fiction, but for a while there I was convinced Drew was leading up to some kind of romantic moment with the Cowpoke.
The conversation turns to Cowboy’s expectations of having several offers handed to him when he walks out of the house. He has Lori’s promise to be busily sending out his headshots even as they sit there vegetating, and any interested parties can clearly see how funny he’s been on this show. He doesn’t think he’ll have to spend much time sleeping on Jase’s couch before he can get an apartment of his own in Hollywood, but he plans to split his time here and Oklahoma, since he’ll be flying back and forth on his private jet. You might think he was indulging in a pipe dream, but he is so deadly serious that Drew uncomfortably changes the subject again.
Diane and Drew, A Lust Story
Both Diane and Drew have told others in the house that they realize they can’t remain a couple and stay true to romance, or gameplay. For Diane, she thinks Drew is using her for “companionship” while she is in danger of losing her heart to the human equivalent of a suburban tract home; for Drew, he thinks Diane is keeping him from reaching his full potential as a cutthroat, take-no-jive gamester out for blood. By Tuesday night, they have The Talk.
I got bored with The Talk and went to bed, but from what I understand, it started out with the usual Airing of Grievances, with the added twist of being participants in someone’s mind control experiment to increase the paranoia level to stratospheric levels. Diane doesn’t think they are in reality, so their relationship by definition is not real. Drew likes to respond with non-answers that don’t reveal his position, like, “Why don’t you tell me what that means” and “I don’t understand”. Meanwhile, Diane takes him through the tumultuous week and explains why she spilled the beans to the Girl Power alliance, who she trusts and who she doesn’t.
Something Diane says gets through to Drew around hour two of the conversation, and he starts to admit real feelings. He’s terrified that by the end of the game, he’ll hate her. He can’t understand why Diane being mad at him affects him so much. He really worries about the fact that he’s bothered by these thoughts, and wishes Diane would talk to him more during the day. Eventually, he stops jawing her to death and the kissing starts. Let’s fade to black discreetly.
By the time the houseguests are stirring the next day, Diane and Drew are snug as two bugs in a rug. But spare me the awww’s, because a few hours later Drew is telling Cowboy that he made up with Diane, implying that it’s needed to keep tabs on her vote.
The Vote That Didn’t Happen
It’s Wednesday, voting day, which is traditionally calm with a late night party for the suspected loser. But for now, peace reigns in the house - an extremely dull peace. If you find Marvin trying out the nose-hair clipper interesting, you were breathless with excitement. The rest of us were just plain bored. The only development worth noting was the news that the hamsters were being called into the Diary Room one by one for video footage only, not to cast their votes. It looks like Big Brother is going to capitalize on the numbers game this week and go for a full-out live eviction chock full of suspense and drama. It seems likely there will be a tie, requiring Adria to cast the deciding vote. But it is a live show, and they could be eaten by house-sized lobsters in the next twenty-four hours just to spite me.
The flesh-eating robots have taken over my computer, so address your comments to them at email@example.com.