Welcome, hamster-watchers! I know you all were afraid that after Jase was evicted last week, Big Brother would become dull and stale, with no one around to wreak havoc and create chaos. Your fears…. are justified. The remaining houseguests are trying their best to be interesting, the poor things, but for the most part, they are failing miserably. When the highlight of the hour is listening for Marvinisms, well….that’s an hour of your life you’re just not going to get back.
It’s day 43 in the Big Brother house. Jase is gone, and it’s apparent that the remaining house guests feel he’s been replaced by the two-headed hydra of Adria/Natalie, or Adriatalie. Adria is Head of Household, and as such got to nominate two people for eviction. After talking to everyone, she did what she wanted to anyway and nominated Will and Marvin. This dismayed some of her alliance members, who felt that “alliance” and “doing what you want without consultation” are mutually exclusive.
And Thence They Shall Come To Judge The Black and the Gay
We join the action right after Adria tried to tell Marvin and Will that her choice to put them on the eviction block shouldn’t take anything away from the fact that they’re wonderful people. Marvin terms her praise an “asinine speech,” which sounds kinky but really isn’t, and props to Marvin for knowing that word. Fewer props to Will, who calls it the “sappiest, most fakest speech” he’s heard in a while. That’s the most ungrammatical sentence I’ve heard since … well, the last time Cowboy opened his mouth.
Outside, Will goes up to Marvin and notes that Adria nominated “the black and the gay.” They don’t mention that she also nominated the only two men in the house with half a brain. Sure, “black” and “gay” are minorities in most of the country, but trust me, in that house, “intelligent” is a minority as well.
Marvin tells us that for anyone keeping score at home, “things don’t look good for your superhero Marvin.” Hm, superhero? Apart from making me picture Marvin in a spandex suit and a cape – an image that will likely require therapy to erase – now I’m mulling over the possibilities of Marvin as superhero. What kind of superhero powers might he have? If given his choice, Marvin would probably choose X-ray vision – the better to see through women’s bikini tops. Maybe he could team up with Will, and they could be the new superhero duo: The Black and The Gay, swooping in to talk smack wherever smack needs talking.
Anyway, getting back to reality, in which there is a sad lack of superheros, Marvin says he fought to keep Adria in the house, not realizing she was just trying to stay so her evil twin could come in, too. Marvin notes that he has no alliances, and wonders why Adria would not use her power to break up Drew and Diane, the cuddly duo whose sub-alliance of two has to be more of a threat than he is.
Meanwhile, Nakomis is telling Karen just how upset she is at Adria’s roughshod treatment of their alliance. Nakomis thinks it’s wrong that Marvin’s on the block for the third week in a row, but more importantly she’s upset that Adria didn’t discuss her decision with the other alliance members. They are no longer on stable ground, Nakomis warns darkly.
Don’t Question Me, This Isn’t a Democracy
Will enters the house – probably looking for his superhero cape – and Adria offers him something to eat. Will huffs that he actually just lost his appetite, and stalks off. Adria and Natalie commiserate over how now everyone is mad at Adria, a conversation that could probably take a long time, considering how everyone IS mad at Adria. But that line of thought is cut short by Will’s return. He tells Adria he didn’t mean to be passive-aggressive just then. He meant to be just aggressive. He says he was surprised by his nomination. Adria offers to talk to him about it, and they head off into the HOH room .
There, Adria explains that others have spoken against him. We see a flashback to Diane suggesting that Will be nominated. Adria assures Will that he is still in her good graces – “things,” evidently, were “revealed to me in my prayers.” Oh, well, then. That’s reassuring. Adria adds that Will should not worry about being voted out – he’s just a pawn to get Marvin out of the house.
Will is not suckered by Adria and her revelatory prayers. He realizes that one of the Girl Alliance – he doesn’t know it’s Diane – bears ill will toward him. And until he can figure out who, his own ill will is focused on Adria. If he doesn’t get voted out, Will intones in confessional, “watch your back, bitches.” You don’t want to cross a superhero.
Armed with this new information, Will nabs Karen as she’s about to go to the bathroom, and tells her that one of the Girl Alliance put him up. He then goes outside to talk to the rest of the alliance, including Diane the backstabber, who looks only slightly uncomfortable. Diane quickly shifts the focus back to Evil Adria by pointing out that if HER twin were in the house, that would be an unbreakable alliance, and thus Adria and Natalie are to be feared.
Nakomis, who was irked at Adria’s autocratic manner, decides to discuss it with her. Nakomis wants to know why Will was put up, and says Adria should have talked to the alliance, even if only to tell them that Will would be the decoy. Nakomis also says she – and, she hints, other people – don’t feel like they really know Adria because for so long she was switching in and out with Natalie. Now they’re just trying to figure out which personality is which.
Adria seems surprised that her alliance is pissed at not having been consulted about her nominations, and that Nakomis holds that whole twin-twist against her. “As of right now, there is not a team anymore,” Adria says. But the loss of her pals has a plus side – she’s found out where the divisions are in the house, which she claims was the point of putting Will and Marvin on the block anyway. I could tell you where the divisions are right now, Adria. You and Natalie are on one side, everyone else is on the other. Except maybe Drew and Diane, who probably wouldn’t get out of bed and participate in anything in the house if they didn’t have to. As we shall see….now.
Jesus Made Me Do It
Following a scene of Diane and Drew cuddling in bed, Diane tells us that in the real world, she’d probably consider him a boyfriend, but in the house she’s not sure how to label their relationships. Good lord, Diane, don’t tell the men of the world that they can get away with all the fringe benefits of boyfriendhood without the actual “boyfriend” tag and responsibilities as long as they’re in the Big Brother house and/or the confines of a reality tv show. Men across the nation would be rushing the place.
We see various scenes of Drew and Diane cuddling MORE, and comparing their glasses, the wearing of which Diane says makes them both dorks. Hey, now. Hold on a second. *adjusts own glasses* That’s an insult to dorks everywhere.
Will says Diane seems to truly have romantic feelings for Drew, but he’s not sure what Drew is thinking. Drew has just told us he still thinks “women are the devil,” if that offers any clue to his state of mind. More shots of Drew and Diane making out, this time in front of the rest of the house, which would appall me if I were a houseguest. Because it’s not like the houseguests can leave the scene of the PDA, really. They are, by definition, confined to the house, unable to avoid Drew and Diane frolicking around like they’re in heat.
Back to our non-kissing superheros, Marvin and Will are sitting outside practicing their superpowers when Adria comes out. This gathering is tailor-made for confrontation, which is exactly what happens. Marvin tells her he has no alliance in the house, and doesn’t understand why she’d nominate him instead of those who have alliances that would threaten her. He calls it a “weak decision.”
Adria says Marvin is feeling like a “big whupped minority” and that offends her because his nomination is not a racial thing at all. She tells him that’s a low blow. Marvin asks if Adria’s reliance on biblical guidance for her decisions in life played any role in his nomination. In other words, did Jesus tell her to put him on the block? Adria says that she does rely on the Bible in a general sense, and so to that extent, Marvin can believe what he wants to.
Marvin chooses to believe that his nomination was not a direct order from on high. “Jesus told you to vote off the black dude and the gay dude? Get the hell out of here,” he snorts. Well, Marvin, perhaps Jesus wasn’t that specific. But what if he was? I just think that’s a possibility Marvin needs to take into consideration. If he’s been targeted by Jesus… well, what do you do about that? How do you break that alliance? I suppose he could go around telling others, “Well, Adria said Jesus said to vote me off. But what she doesn’t know is last week Jesus told me he replaced her personality with Styrofoam peanuts, and she hasn’t noticed yet. Do you want to let a Styrofoam peanut win this game? Think about it.”
No, Marvin doesn’t really stand a chance.
Way Too Much Information
Here’s another thing I’m not sure Jesus involves Himself in – Drew’s body hair. Evidently the boy is obsessed with eliminating all traces of hair from his body, including – we’re told dramatically by Will and Karen – his pubic region. Yes, friends and neighbors, the boy shaves down there. While this is not at all something I needed to know, I’m not sure why everyone’s making such a big deal about it. In this day and age, a bit of manscaping is to be expected. (Yes, men. It IS.)
What I do find strange is that Drew also shaves his chest, his armpits, and his stomach. And plucks his eyebrows. I think this is going a bit too far, especially since Drew shows no signs of being especially hairy by nature. He looks like the sort who has about five chest hairs anyway. Will tells us Drew seems to be afraid of hair, while Diane tells us this is her dream man. My own personal dream man would not be not fixated on his own body to quite this extent, nor would he be as hairless as a baby rat. But to each her own.
Santa Has a Twisted Sense of Humor
It’s finally time for the veto competition, in which the house guests attempt to win the power to take either Will or Marvin off the elimination block. I’m a bit confused here, because my notes remind me that they chose teams, yet in the actual competition they don’t seem to have played as teams.
Well, whatever. Natalie, who I don’t think was picked to be on anyone’s team, is running the competition. The houseguests troop outside, where their yard has been transformed into a Christmas scene. It looks like Santa threw up out there, what with all the fake snow and the tree and the candy canes and what-not.
After Natalie reads a stupid rhyme, the competition is explained. The guests will each choose a two-gift set from under the tree. To each gift is attached a tag that has a number on it. This is the number of “vetoes” they have, and the person with the most vetoes wins. The catch is, at the end there’s a chance for someone to steal a gift from someone else. I think my mom does this with her church friends around Christmas time. But they typically bring the sort of gifts you *don’t* want to get, like a three-foot-tall ceramic pony. Which is now hidden in my old bedroom, awaiting my mother’s chance to give it back next Christmas.
Will goes first, and pulls out a string of enormous tighty-whities as his gift. Marvin says those aren’t underwear: “anything that big is called drawers.” Actually, if you just listen, it sounded like he said “draws,” but trust me, while that is the accepted pronunciation, the word is “drawers” and it is indeed a term for underwear. I include that as a lesson in Southern-speak for you Yankees.
Anyway, they all pick out gifts, mostly things like earmuffs, socks, a tie, an ugly sweater, and so on. Marvin gets nose-hair clippers. I’m thinking he should donate them to Drew, who can certainly find a use for them. Also, it may not have yet occurred to young Drew that he probably has hair in his nose as well. On second thought, since he doesn’t see the clippers and freak out, he probably already has some of his own.
When all the number of vetos are revealed – it’s all rather complicated, having to do with showing one card and keeping the other, and I doubt anyone particularly cares about anything except the outcome – Adria has the lead. In one last twist, the houseguests are allowed to pick a stocking from the mantel. In the stockings are either an extra 10 vetoes, a cool gift, or a card stripping them of all the vetoes they’ve previously won.
In the end, Adria gets a stocking with 10 vetoes, and wins the competition. So not only is she HOH, she has the power of veto. Things are most definitely not looking good for our superhero Marvin. As he says, “There ain’t enough twists in the game to keep me in it.”
No Thanks, I Don’t Care to Kiss Your A** Today
But Adria is feeling like she’s in a bit of jeopardy. She realizes she has alienated much of the house – although she doesn’t seem to worry about why – and so she wants to give Will and Marvin each a chance to convince her to take them back off the block. Natalie – who doesn’t seem to talk to anyone *but* Adria, has anyone else noticed that? I haven’t seen her speak to a soul on her own – says if Adria wants Marvin gone, leave the eliminations as they are.
But Adria wants to give it a shot, so she approaches Marvin. I don’t think Adria really appreciates the depth of Marvin’s anger at her. She might as well get a stick and go poke a PMSing porcupine. Marvin rails that he knows Adria and Will are allies and he’s just a pawn. He says she needs to remember who will stab her in the back later on, and says he still doesn’t know why she put him on the block.
Adria says she was looking for Marvin to play the game – i.e. use the opportunity she’s giving him to beg for mercy. But Marvin refuses. He says he won’t kowtow to Adria, and beg to be saved. “Let the chips fall where they may. I ain’t begging for no veto,” Marvin says. Yeah, take that, Adria!
Will refuses to beg as well.
Adria interprets their pride as a desire to leave the house. She begins to hope the elimination vote is a tie, so that she can be the tie-breaking vote and all the blame will fall on her. I think she’s suggesting that the other houseguests are wusses who don’t want to stick their necks out, but she doesn’t say that, so maybe I’m wrong. Anyway, Adria tells Drew, Diane and Nikomis that both Will and Marvin seem ready to go, and are relying on their actions in the house to speak for them, and so a tie would be cool with her.
Marvin says that if by some miracle he is not voted out, Adria will be “gone with the wind like Scarlett O’Hara.” For those of you who don’t understand that, it may be interpreted as “watch your back.” Also, your mastery of classic American literature is appalling and you should read “Gone With the Wind” as soon as possible. Well, after you finish reading this recap.
Will says there always has to be a Jase in the house, and now that Jase is gone, it’s Adriatalie.
Marvin adds that Will has integrity. Unlike Will, though, Marvin appears to have no compunction about being passive-aggressive. He stomps around muttering imprecations about Adria, who is nowhere near him, then says loudly, “You hear me talking in there, hillbilly girl?” Hey, easy there, slick. Listen, some people take “hillbilly” as a disparaging word. I realize that Marvin meant it as such, but I’m just pointing out that it’s actually offensive to many people. Just a PSA from this hillbilly girl to you.
Only Drunk Monkeys Like Seth Green
No, we still haven’t cut to the chase, here. Instead of voting already, the houseguests are taking time to compete for the luxury of a Saturday night movie. Unfortunately for them, that movie is “Without a Paddle”, an asinine-looking movie involving Seth Green and some other dudes. They watch the trailer and all laugh much more than is warranted. Nakomis is excited, and here’s something I just noticed – she looks a little bit like Seth Green. The shape of the face, or something.
The houseguests choose teams. Nakomis is stuck with the twins; Marvin gets Cowboy and Karen, and Will goes in with the cuddlebuddies.
Outside, the lawn has been stripped of all Christmas paraphernalia and decorated with enormous bowls of popcorn and M&Ms, and some movie-theater seats. The houseguests must piece together a red-carpet puzzle, then rifle through the big M&M bowls for a golden M&M, which Marvin says could be accomplished by a “drunk monkey.” First team with all three members back in their movie seats wins.
Surprisingly, Drew and Diane prove adept at puzzle-piecing, a skill they had not revealed before. Adria, meanwhile, thinks Nakomis isn’t trying very hard, perhaps because she doesn’t want to watch a move with the twins. Drew and Diane outstrip everyone, Will runs down and finds the golden M&M – which is the size of a fist, which means Marvin was right – and the three winners high-five each other.
Drew, Diane and Will go into the HOH room, now fixed up as a movie theater, and are so deprived of outside stimulation that they actually enjoy this movie. Will, of course, is a bit of a third wheel here, as this is technically Drew’s and Diane’s first date. Diane says it feels like junior high, when you bring a friend to a movie date because you’re nervous. Or, because you’re not allowed to date that young and have to go with a friend as cover. I’m just saying, I’ve heard of that happening.
As we head into the veto thingy, Adria says it’s risky for her to use the veto and thus further disturb others in the house. Will says in a perfect world she’d take him off and put Natalie up.
With all the houseguests assembled, Adria gives Will and Marvin one last chance to beg. Will says that adversity breeds character, that he wants to stay but if he goes, he does so knowing he’s made good friends.
Marvin says that since the Lord told Adria to put him on the block in the first place, he won’t have her tempt fate by taking him off. He says he has been open and honest during his time in the house – at least, I think that’s what he means by saying, “You got to be buck nekkid to the world.” I hope he doesn’t mean that literally. Also, this reminds me of a joke by the late, great Lewis Grizzard, who said that “naked” is when you don’t have any clothes on, and “nekkid” is when you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to something. I leave it to you to interpret Marvin’s meaning.
Not surprisingly, Adria chooses not to use the veto, which is lucky because Marvin tells us in confessional that he would spit on her before he’d take the veto. I really wish someone had tested that.
Diane says she doesn’t really care, but would rather see Will go. Little snake in the grass, isn’t she?
Nakomis repeats the current wisdom that the twins have become the new Jase.
And Will announces that he is “out for twin blood.”
Will Marvin get nekkid? Will the twins finally just fuse into one being? Will Jesus get a vote? Tune in sometime after Thursday’s show to read Stargazer’s stellar recap!
I don’t want to hear about your manscaping. But send other comments to firstname.lastname@example.org