Are You There, God? It's Me, Hepcat
Dear Supreme Being,
I'm working on my promise to stop being so snarky but in the meantime do you think you could send a lightning bolt down to fry some of the evil houseguests in the Big Brother house? I would like it best if you picked one wearing a headband, but I'll leave that up to you. Don't get Karen or Will, because they're pretty nice even though the other ones are reading your Good Book more.
If you could do this one little thing for me I promise never to call Jase and Scott "f***face" anymore. Their language is rubbing off on me so I apologize. I would probably use nicer words if they were gone.
Your devoted fan,
The Awesome Late Night Bitchfest
It’s the wee hours, when talk flows freely while some houseguests sleep. Will and Karen are trying to talk Lori out of leaving the game, when the conversation turns to their expectations about being on the show and how disappointed they are. Will thought it would be a “game of mental agility.” Karen thought it would require “psychological stamina,” and Lori says it’s turned out to be a "high school quarterback" drama. Karen nails it best by calling it “baby eighth grade relationship crap.” They didn’t expect to be bullied by a couple of football jocks, and Karen points out that the rest of the men (which never includes Will, you’ll remember) have one major quality in common - they’re spineless. They’re not stand-up guys.
Karen is also intelligent enough to advise the others to be careful about what is said in the Diary Room because of show editing. If you have one point you want to emphasize, say that one point. That way they can’t edit you saying something mild when you wanted to point out something in particular. Apparently after the POV competition, all three of them were only asked questions about Lori. BB wanted to know, “Didn’t you think Lori had a good chance, being a yoga instructor?” We haven’t seen the POV competition, but Karen said her response was this: didn’t you see those boys picking her up and throwing her through the air? It sounds like they were trying to push the angle that Lori had a fair chance, when all three agree there was no way any of the women, being lighter and weaker, could have won.
By the time the conversation turns to what specifically disgusts them about Jase, they are witty and eloquent, and I’m sad to think that at least one of these houseguests is doomed. Karen brings up how mean it was when he made fun of the size of Cowboy’s fiancé right in front of him. She also thinks he wears the “doo-rag” on his forehead to cover up the “railroad tracks” that make him look like a forty-five-year-old man. Will says he’s the kind of person that will act like your friend but would pull your life support if it meant he could get ten bucks out of it. If Jase comes near him at the after party, he’ll call security. Karen says “he’d be floating in the Hudson if he lived in New Jersey,” where they don’t put up with his kind of crap. Would that be in an inner tube, Karen? Thought not. Be strong, you three.
A Tale Told By An Idiot
The fun thing about your captive roommates never being able to crack open a newspaper or turn on a computer is you can mess with their minds. If you're Scott, you can lie about your age and say it's your twenty-fifth birthday even though the CBS website says you’re twenty-six. If it were me, I wouldn't waste my time on that kind of foolishness. I'd tell them about my position as military consultant to the army of cats from Ulthar, or my years as a hermit in Antarctica where I lived on snow bugs. Trust me, it's just as believable as Scott being a day under twenty-nine. Happily for me, "Savage" (Scott's secret Horsedude identity) reaps what he sows, as Jase shoves a misshapen mass of plaster at him with a, "here's your f***ing birthday present." What did you expect, a kiss on the cheek?
Sufficient Unto the Day is the Evil Thereof
The POV ceremony took place this morning, and Jase used the POV to take Holly off the chopping block. In past Big Brothers the houseguests have been reluctant to use the POV since it tends to stir up the ant farm and get everyone waving their feelers madly. However, I don't think Jase can make himself a bigger target if he tried. Hmm, let’s review some of the milder strikes against him. He's a disgusting pig, the kind of guy who grabs all the food in the storage room and likes to sit down at the dinner table with his feet up next to everyone's food. He spent his week as HOH drooling over Holly and actively encouraging her baby talk, earning the revulsion of anyone within visual or aural range of the couple (not to mention olfactory, since Holly seems averse to showers and sweat streams from Jase’s armpits, as Karen puts it). There’s also the fact that everyone outside of his "secret" alliance has caught him in his ubiquitous lies, but that doesn't stop him from laying them on, thicker and thicker. So it doesn't really matter that he used the POV; if one of the girls' alliance ever wins the POV he'll be gone faster than a Tasmanian devil. For this week, though, the girls' alliance is powerless.
Lori put aside her whining ways and gave it her best shot with Marvin before the ceremony. She says she wants to stay in the game, and can't Marvin see they will be putting him on the block next? Describing it to her alliance later, she says she even used her "little hair thing" (twirling flirtatiously) on him. If Lori hadn't been so vocal about missing her boyfriend, it probably would have worked on Marvin, who is simultaneously attracted to Lori and livid that she came in the house already taken. I'm not just speculating - Marvin, Scott and Jase loudly complain to each other that it was wrong of Lori to misrepresent herself as a hot chick if she's going to talk about some guy at home at the time. They really hate the fact that the women aren't into them - except Holly, who they trash behind her back at every opportunity. I don't know what bugs me more. Being proud of snowing Holly is like shooting fish in a barrel, but feeling entitled to sample any hot chick in the vicinity is execrable.
In Paulie's excellent recap of Saturday's show, which you can reach by clicking here, he points out that naming yourselves the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse pretty much limits you to an alliance of four. There's no room for a fifth horse with War, Famine, Death, and Victory already taken. Marvin says his status as a person of African-American descent makes him an outsider every week. "I'm the Lone Ranger; I'm the maverick; I'm always up on the guillotine." Yet, he doesn't believe Lori when she tells him they’re planning to get him on the block next, or that she would leave him untouched if he put up one of the guys to take Holly’s place.
Marvin’s not thinking very well in his heady days of HOH/God-dom. In fact, it's painfully obvious to anyone who listened in on his heart-to-heart with Lori the other night that he's mostly mad that as a hot chick she didn’t spend the week rubbing up against him. I suppose going on Holly’s behavior you can assume your average HOH gets the rock star treatment, and dammit, Marvin's feeling deprived. Lori tells Karen and Nakomis about it later, still freaked out. I guess you can take the boy out of the mortuary, but he’s still going to be a creepy pervert.
Marvin gifts Lori with knowledge of the secret camera, and later shows Jase. Jase pretends to be surprised. They have a giggle over how lame it is, as we all suspected. This is what you see on the HOH camera: "Main Street" (the hallway), the chessboard, and the fish tank. Way to go, twist writers! Why did you even bother to get out of bed the morning you came up with that?
The Trouble with Being a Double
Adria, foraging in the fridge in her usual duck-billed cap pulled down to her nose, is sporting pants with legs so wide that at first glance I thought it was a kind of floor length skirt made popular by schoolmarms of the Old West. This offends Fashion Policeman Scott, who creeps up behind her to tell her she should "never wear those pants in public." I wonder what the real Natalie or Adria is wishing she could say if she weren't holding her breath and trying to be invisible all the time. Instead, she quips they belong to her younger sister and she thought she'd make her laugh if when she showed up on camera with them. I can't wait to see Scott's face when their twinship is revealed. I'm betting we'll hear a condemning speech about twins having a moral responsibility to be hot and blonde and wear micro minis.
Adria and Natalie are sitting back and enjoying the circus, but Karen has noticed A's schizophrenia. Apparently, they had a real conversation when they first entered the house, and A slipped two weeks later by not knowing anything about it. Karen took it as a personal freeze-out, but we know at home the twin was probably frozen with indecision about how to play it off.
The Rest of the Hamsters
It had to happen eventually, so I give in - when Jennifer shaved her head, she became "Nakomis" for me. Or in Nakomis-speak, "whenever she shaved her head.” She just doesn't look like a Jennifer anymore. Jase goes a step farther, calling her "Last of the Mohicans." I'm betting he didn't see the book or see the movie starring dreamboat Daniel Day Lewis.
Drew, bless his spineless little soul, has a heart-thumping, blood-racing crush on Diane, but doesn't seem to know what to do about it. For one, the evil Horsedudes rag on anyone with an actual soul, and Drew doesn't want them to suspect he might harbor one. For another, they trash his little friend whenever their attention swings her way, although they will admit she's got a rocking body, even better than Holly's. Drew tentatively approaches Scott about thinking Diane's a babe, but Savage dismisses Diane with a wave of the hand. "Her problem is she's not blonde." Drew creeps back into his comfy shell.
Speaking of blondes, we're treated to one of the most annoying conversations of any Big Brother season when Holly launches into a diatribe on how difficult it is to be blonde. She asks Scott and Jase, "Why do they always vote the blondes out first? I bet if I had a different hair color it would be a different story." It would be so simple to say something like, “gee, I didn’t realize Mike was blond” or “you’re not even in danger anymore, a brunette is”, but these pretty hamsters are on fire with indignant rage. Scott gravely says that "being good-looking is a curse too." Oh, he's going to know what a real curse feels like, once these voodoo dolls start kicking in. Without a trace of irony in his voice, Scott laments there are all kinds of stereotypes out there. He should know, since he's the one who has shared his ideas about "Mexicans", "gays", "black chicks" to name a few. It's tough being a beautiful person. I'm getting all choked up here, give me a second. Where's that barf bag when you need it?
Look for my next recap on Friday after the eviction. I welcome your questions, comments and random acts of kindness at email@example.com.