Pardon me while I take my medicine for this migraine headache. *swigs tequila* Now, where was I? If you're a live feed subscriber, you may have decided to forgo them today. That's what I'd be doing if I weren't trying to recap them on a daily basis. What do hamsters do when most of the strategy for the week is already hammered out and there's little chance of changing anyone's mind? They sit around, droning on and on about nothing. With the mental age of the two leading Horsedudes averaging about twelve on a good day, the talk turns nasty. I don't mean the kind of titillating naughtiness you might find secretly charming. It's been a day for stomach-turning, revoltingly nasty talk. And yet, someone on the CBS production crew must enjoy it because for long stretches we have no other option but to watch the flapjacks in the pool or zone out on the fish tank.
Speaking of the fish, even they have had enough, as the yellowish one has been drifting on its side at the bottom of the tank all day. Heís still moving a tiny bit, the little trooper. *sniff* Hang in there, little fish. Never give up! Never surrender! *sob*
Saturday evening is a great time to go out with a friend, maybe see a movie. Or, you might want to toss a rubber chicken over the fence just to check if Big Brother is watching. Perhaps you might begin to hash out your own sitcom and conscript your fellow houseguests into putting on a show. It worked for Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland. Hold that thought - itís foreshadowing for the entertainment portion of the program. For now we return to the cutthroat world of reality TV. With limited entertainment options, the hamsters rely on that old BB standby - workin' it, baby.
Diane is somewhat convincing as the girl who's not sure she really wants to hang out with all those strong women types. She finds time to hammock with Holly and Jase, all the better to chat about how she might be open to voting Lori off, if Marvin can give her some assurances. And since Holly and Jase know they have her vote, then Jase doesn't need to take Holly off the block. Why make life more difficult for Jase and his widdle Hollykins if it's not absolutely necessary? Maybe it's the fact that Marvin isn't there to make any promises, or maybe she's broadcasting her fear through pheromones that don't translate through streaming video - but Jase doesn't buy it. He plays along politely, and Diane is encouraged enough to rub her arms, decide it's chilly, and tell the two she'll be right back with a sweater. Jaseís spidey-sense tingles. Itís a warm summer evening, yet Diane needs a sweater? *cue dramatic music*dum dum duuuuuum
When Diane steps away, Holly shows her unerring ability to take everything at face value. Jase makes a "yeah, right" comment about Diane switching loyalties and Holly seems dumbstruck to think Diane could have been lying. Jase says to go check on Diane, and see what she really went in the house for. Holly is skeptical, but returns in a couple of minutes a little wiser. Diane had been in the middle of waking Will up. "Snake in the grass," Jase gloats. Holly defends her, saying she didn't hear what was said. When Diane comes back, she tells Holly and Jase she can't go anywhere without certain people quizzing her who she was talking to, and where is she going. It's a decent try at a save, but even Holly can smell the fear this time.
The Good Book for Dummies
It's after midnight, Sunday morning, and Drew and Scott convene a Bible study. I know, it's exactly what you'd expect from an egomaniac and one of his lapdogs, isn't it? Drew tells Scott he wants to read him a "cool" story he found that reminded him of the big lug. Drew begins to read the parable of the farmer who cast his seeds on rocks, into weeds, onto the path where birds eat them. Scott gives his best Dave Putty impression and cuts the story short with, "Come on, dude, I'm not a farmer."
Ahhhhh. I love irony, so Iím going to take that little moment as a gift from the Almighty. Drew, honey, listen up: there's no soil where you're casting those seeds. Next time you want to impress Scott, try Song of Solomon.
Team Estrogen Gives It the Old College Try
There's only one thing the underdogs can do to undercut the invisible Horsedudes: get Jase to not use his power of veto to "save" Holly. They have the numbers to vote Holly off, but Marvin the Misogynist is likely to put up a woman as a replacement. It's more than likely, it's a certainty. The smug confidence pouring off Jase and the Horsedudes is thicker than peanut butter pie. No one believes Marvin won't put up one of their own Fab Four, so no one's even working him about putting up one of the dudes that will be dumping his gullible self in a week or so. If I had a magic wand, I would open Marvin's skull and scream at him to put up Scott when Jase makes his POV move. Unfortunately, we're all mired in reality, and I can only wish for my money back on the incense sticks and voodoo dolls adorning my computer. I make sure to change the headbands on them daily so that they are an exact match, just in case. *mumbling chant*
The only strategy the girls are working on is trying to convince Jase not to use his veto, and they get to work talking up how much Lori wants to go home. Holly is easily affected, and tells Jase several times not to use the veto because it's icky and stuff. Not really, but that argument would have worked as well, I'm sure. Holly shoves feminism back another fifty years by giving the decision over to Jase to do what he thinks best without involving her. Holly, if you canít figure out youíre involved at this point you deserve the target being tattooed in India ink on your vapid behind.
Willís version of game face is to give old-fashioned male bonding a shot with the Horsedudes in the bathroom. Drew and Cowboy show their smooth-talking skills, dishing up a large serving of Jase (bashed for being glued to Holly) and a generous side of Holly hatred. Will is amazed to see Drew let his hair down a little, saying he never knew the others felt that way about Holly. Cowboy and Will saunter out basking in their new understanding.
But wait! Cowboy sneaks back in the bathroom to do the victory Horsedude dance, which consists of pretending to gallop around the bathroom while trying to keep their gleeful giggles from being overheard. Meanwhile, they are tickled pink to find out Holly thinks she's one of them and will vote the way they want. I have to admit, they were convincingly sincere (especially Cowboy), and I'm sad to see that Will believed their performance.
Peanut Butter, Tombstones and Pie, Oh, My!
"Do you think this is one of the most boringest days ever in the house?" Yes, Holly, I do. We could focus on Scottís hateful racist comments about ďMexicansĒ and ďblack chicksĒ or Marvinís obsession with female anatomy, but that would be about as pleasant as eating soiled feminine hygiene products - yes, you guessed it, my brave readers, another hot topic in the Big Brother house. Since I don't wish to spread the sexist, racist, misogynistic comments rampant in the house today, why don't we focus on the brief moments of fun?
Karen gets her domestic diva points for being able to whip up a tasty looking pie without any flour. How do you make a pie crust without flour? Mix butter, sugar, chunks of bread and honey, then bake. The filling is a mixture of yogurt, butter, peanut butter, sugar and honey. She whipped cream to decorate the edges, then made a syrup to decorate the top with stripes. I knew there was a reason I loved this gal. Most of the houseguests are in dessert heaven, but Marvin doesn't like sweets, and it doesn't fit into Holly's diet because...I give up, I don't know why Holly can't eat it. Maybe she thinks you have to kill a cow to milk it.
Scott, whose BB profile on the CBS website says he is 26 years old, is celebrating his "25th" birthday tomorrow. Perhaps that is why the houseguests get a craft project to work on, which is drop-dead excitement by this point. They are supposed to cast plaster into butterfly molds, ending up with something like a garden stepping-stone. Jase boldly breaks the mold - well, not literally but figuratively - when he fashions a mold out of a milk carton. Holly is sunnily helping him until she finds out he wants to make a tombstone. Thus begins the great tombstone argument of Big Brother Five, as Holly insists he change the tombstone to a lovestone. She cajoles, she pleads; she just plain won't shut up about it. Eventually, Jase tells her okay, it's a lovestone. She's suspicious when the mold is still cast in the shape of a tombstone, but he promises no one will call it that. Why no one has picked up the mold and brained either of them with it remains a mystery for the ages.
One Last Gasp of Incredulity
I remember mentioning offhand that Cowboy had a plan to star in a sitcom with fellow hamster Drew. Cowboy earns my respect by exceeding my expectations and spending his free time fleshing out ideas for the show, even getting his fellow houseguests to improvise scenes with him. Lori is nominated to play a lesbian, which she is up for as long as she's starring with Courtney Cox. It doesn't hurt to exercise the brain once in a while, and they haven't provided any mental treadmills for these guys, so Cowboy's my hero for the day.
Here's to wishing tomorrow is a better day. If you have questions or comments, please email me at email@example.com.