Hey, Big Brother, can you spare a quarter? I’ve been craving a trinket, and there’s that oversized gumball machine at the base of the staircase, just waiting for the right coin to be spun in exchange for a prize. Who knows what little goodies are lurking in there? And more importantly, why aren’t the hamsters trying harder to get at its secrets? You can almost read some of the slips of paper on the feeds (I swear I saw my friend Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla’s name in there), so why can’t the hamsters? Not to mention, for a house filled with secrets, they don’t seem to be interested in exploring its nooks and crannies. No, they’re all too busy lounging around by the pool, psychoanalyzing whoever has wandered away from the group for the moment. Or in Howie’s case, sniffing panties. Man, I didn’t need to see that.
Straight Up Bidness
- They held a Power of Veto Ceremony, and Rachel chose not to flex her veto muscle. Not really a surprise, is it?
All The World Loves a Horndog
Let me tell you a little story about a houseguest named Howie. What do you call a guy who spends the day talking about his rampant lust for just about anyone or anything around him? Many would say, “Hepcat, that’s a horndog.” And they would be right.
But multiply that description by a hundred - nay, a thousand, or however many times a day that a man in his twenties is supposed to think about sex. Howie not only thinks about sex all day, but every time a thought goes through his pretty little head he verbalizes it. The result? Every conversation with Howie sounds like he’s talking to the phone sex operator in his head. And he doesn’t need any outside stimulation, trust me.
He especially goes ballistic around Janelle, who for the moment is tolerating him salivating all over her because she wants his help saving Ashlea from eviction. But there’s an edge in her voice when she thanks him for telling her she has a awesome little tummy (the least offensive example I could come up with), and that he would spend time kissing her instead of just “blowing his load” all over her like he does with ugly girls (the most offensive). Let me hear you say, Ewwww! At least he was looking at her face that time, instead of his usual stare focused like a laser at her chest.
Janelle may be the fantasy, but in the meantime, Howie gets busy gropin’ anyone in range. He especially has a fondness for Beau - yes, you heard me right: bald, beautiful Beau. When he accepted the offer of a back rub, I don’t think Beau expected Howie to rub, kiss and lick the back of his head. He laughed it off, but I noticed that he walked out of tongue range as fast as he could. Everyone shared a good laugh at the sight. Shoulders shrugged and people rolled their eyes at Howie, the loveable goof.
I ask you: how can they stand Howie?
It really begs the question, because not only is Howie sharing his masturbatory habits and sexual desires any time he enters a conversation, he is breakin’ wind like a Nor’easter. Janelle seems to be tolerating him because he has promised to win over some votes for Ashlea to stay in the house. The price for his assistance? He wants access to “boobies.” Ashlea balked at going that far, but Janelle cooly negotiated with Howie, one booby at a time. “I only work for boobies,” he said at one point.
And the Anakin Imitation Award Goes To...
Remember in Episode Two when Padme tells Anakin to back off because he makes her feel uncomfortable? And we’re supposed to believe it’s true love in the making? Just as flawed is our little Michael, who apparently has creeped out the female population in the house. Yup, you heard me. Michael. Not fartin’, gropin’, dirty-talkin’ Howie. *crickets* Okay, I’ll say it. What in holy hell is wrong with these people?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Michael is guilty of what he is accused of, namely, nuzzling Jennifer on the neck from behind when she was sitting in a lounge chair. Another strike against him is that he slapped his hands on the bathroom door when he arrived to find it ocupado. Get a rope, he’s out of control! More likely, Michael is feeling the burn of a successful smear campaign, fostered by the crafty Ivette.
One thing complicating our view of the Michael “issue” - yes, the hamsters think Michael is an “issue” that BB needs to handle - to hear him tell it, during the first few days in the house Jennifer was all over him. We really don’t know, because the feeds had not been activated at that point. One of the first conversations recorded in the house was Kaysar advising Michael not to be swayed by such a floozy. Michael agreed to avoid her from that point, so it seems out of the blue to see him labeled as dangerous by other females in the house for his behavior with Jennifer - especially since Jennifer doesn’t seem to have any complaints about Michael.
Michael’s anger over being gossiped about built all day Monday, culminating in a loud bitchfest with Jennifer, where she agreed with him that he was the victim of an Ivette smear campaign. Maybe it would have ended there, but Eric strolled in the gold room to join their private conversation. Telling Michael that he has training in “this area,” he launched into a lecture about sexual harassment. Michael grew visibly heated as Eric preached about sexual joking, inappropriate touching and making the women of the house feel safe. Wait a minute, Howie can steal Janelle’s panties, bury his face in them instead of returning them, and that’s an acceptable joke? This is the guy who walked up to Beau and kissed him on the lips without an invitation, but Eric’s training tells him that Michael is a ticking time bomb of sexual rage? Later, Eric tells Maggie that he reported Michael’s behavior in the Diary Room, urging them to review the tapes. Don’t hold your breath, Eric. Unless Michael pulls a knife on someone, discloses that he has an STD, or throws a few chairs around, he’s good as gold for Big Brother.
Michael and Eric didn’t come to blows, but their conversation was heated. When Michael left, Jennifer burst into tears and fell into Eric’s arms for comfort. She told him she was afraid they would come to blows, and she had stayed in the room to keep their tempers under control. Eric cooed and shushed her as he held Jennifer and stroked her bare back...yes, bare since she was only wearing a sports bra. Jennifer confessed later that she’s terrified her boyfriend at home will see the footage of her nearly naked in Eric’s beefy arms. Why worry? She can always tell her boyfriend it was part of a lecture on sexual harassment, and that Eric is a trained professional.
But What Happened?
Enough ranting; what is happening in the house, strategy-wise? As always at this stage, it’s like herding cats to get the hamsters to definitively declare their loyalties.
I think we could all use a televised episode to help us put these characters in perspective. At this point, I would actually welcome a nicely edited storyline wrapped up neatly in pretty paper with a big bow on top.
- Ashlea and Janelle dislike Eric and despise Ivette. They feel like all the women in the house don’t like them because of their looks. Janelle is working on her ties to Howie, James, and Kaysar, especially; she seems to genuinely like Kaysar, and confides to him that men like Howie (with an eyeroll) hit on her all the time.
- Ivette may be trash talking Ashlea and Michael, but she’s been clothes-mouthed about her “boyfriend” and her diabetes. *scratching head* Did we just imagine that Ivette is a diabetic?
- Kaysar and Michael have agreed to meet every three days in the wee morning hours. Kaysar will get up for prayers, then wake up Michael so they can talk in private.
- Michael thinks he and Kaysar are too obviously multi-cultural, and he needs to work harder on being a “regular guy” so they don’t stick out as a couple. Michael confessed to Beau that even though he has lived in the U.S. for eight years, he still feels like he doesn’t belong. Which doesn’t help his regular guy image, really.
- Jennifer told Howie to stop it with the “butt grazes”, since they could be misinterpreted. Not to mention, she would look like a flaming hypocrite if she continued to put up with them.
- Many people in the house have figured out that Beau and Ivette are a pair. Janelle and Ashlea wondered if they could use it to their advantage, and eventually approached Kaysar with the information. Kaysar was stunned, just blown away, saying several times that it must be The Twist. But was he acting?
- Eric doesn’t want Janelle to make the jury, and thinks Michael is borderline mentally ill.
- Ashlea complained to Maggie that Eric is asking others to vote her out. Maggie defended Eric, but Ashlea didn’t find that suspicious, and doesn’t seem to have a clue Maggie is a pair with Eric.
- Howie asked Ivette if she had swum over from Cuba. What a classy guy.
Why can’t CBS hire a competent fish wrangler? firstname.lastname@example.org