There is one part of Big Brother that I absolutely love, and that is when hamsters finally bite the dust. Most of the people in the Big Brother 9 house I wouldn't mind shooting off into outer space, to another planet if I could. Preferably one crawling with giant ravenous flesh eating cockroaches. Since I can't to that, I'll have to contend myself with that half a minute of sheer bliss that occurs right when they walk out the door, hopefully never to be seen again. Well, unless Big Brother cruelly calls them back for some stupid reason without any regard for my sanity, as they did with Sharon.
When we last heard from our furry friends, Matt spun Natalie to a win in the Veto competition and the house had a huge fight centering around Amanda and Alex and Parker and some other thing which I'm too lazy to look up. The Veto was not used and the nominations of Jen/Parker and Ryan/Allison stayed.
The Chenbot shows up to introduce a segment about “the biggest fight in Big Brother history”. I don't know about that, there were plenty of biggest fights before in every season. Sort of goes with the territory.
Much ado about something
Apparently whiny baby-voiced Amanda likes to talk. A lot. She goes around the house gossiping and spreading rumors. She flits from one house guest to another telling he-said-she-said stories about everything from who is making out with whom to who's got a credit card problem back home. Natalie thinks Amanda is just looking for attention, however the gossiping affects Natalie, who claims to be deviously playing both sides. Both sides of what, I wonder. There's only one side I see and that's the not-too-bright side. She herself goes around yapping to Chelsia that Amanda said that if James and Chelsia win HoH they will put Amanda and Alex up. So Chelsia gets mad, and in a move that is proving typical of this season filled with village idiots with verbal diarrhea, she scurries indignantly to the hot tub to defend her honor and to confront Amanda. She starts yelling at Amanda, Amanda yells back swearing she never talked about Chelsia. Chelsia then says maybe Amanda talked about James, 'cause if it's not one thing, then it will be another. Alex just sits there making bug eyes into the camera.
Claiming his share of this disgusting little pie, Josh gets involved and goes off screaming at Amanda, cursing her and telling her the whole house hates her and that she will be voted off if he makes HoH. Finally, he gets out of the hot tub huffing and puffing and rushes dramatically into the house. It would be quite an impressive exit if this was an actual worthwhile fight about something that made sense. As it is, I'm just mildly amused at the antics of the mentally challenged.
Are you not entertained?
If you're into immature sandbox skirmishes between overgrown 5 year olds, you'll be happy to know there's more bleeped profanity laced fighting bonanza where that came from. Alex gets in on the backyard fun saying that this whole arguing thing affects him too. Alex is a victim too, let's all feel sorry for him! Not to be left without the screen time they feel entitled to, the others all start making nasty comments toward Amanda as well, but Chelsia utters the worst of the bunch saying Amanda should be given a noose. Josh helpfully chimes in “that's it, just like her dad”. This after Amanda confessed to the whole house, and subsequently the whole internet and a few million CBS viewers, how her father hanged himself. Who are these people and why am I watching this horrible filth? Surely I could be doing something way better. Like cleaning out my fish tank. But I digress. Amanda gasps brokenly, yells “it's not funny, he hanged himself” and runs into the house sobbing loudly. Alex and Jen both say in the DR that the comments were wrong and Alex declares Josh unstable.
The scene moves to the HoH bathroom, where Jen and Parker try to console a broken Amanda who tells Parker that everyone hates her and asks him whether she's really that ugly. For a moment there, the scene is arresting, maybe even a commentary on the the state of the world today which spawned all these specimens of perfect worthlessness handpicked to act out for our viewing pleasure. Only for a moment though. This is Big Brother after all where the social experiment is just a thin veneer on the prime time sleaze that runs thick and gooey beneath the slick surface carefully sanitized for public consumption.
Much ado about something else
Jen is determined to keep herself in the game and she is not above a bit of campaigning, even if said campaigning is a move against her beloved Ryan. She approaches Sheila, telling her that she deserves to stay more than her sweetie, Ryan, who is a racist. Ah, sweet soul mate loyalty! Jen moves on to the bathroom where she tells the other girls about a past relationship she had with a black guy, which is a sore point for Ryan. The gossip swirls and coils, till Sheila informs Ryan that Jen said something that Sheila won't talk about. Of course not. Ryan is perturbed and feels he should know what his little hamster lover is saying behind his back, but Sheila stands firm. For about 30 seconds or so. Then she spills about Jen's racist comment about Ryan which prompts Ryan to walk up to Jen and inform her that, er, something “will hit the fan”. All this leads to a lot of back and forth about who said what, when and to whom and why and finally Jen spins her racist comment and dumps the blame on Sheila, saying that she twisted her words. See, see! This is how things work in the BB house where everybody's mental and emotional development is still stuck at junior high level. Sheila storms in to confront Sheila, confrontation being these people's favorite pastime, aside from sex and talking about sex, and denies uttering the words “he is a racist” even as Big Brother helpfully shows dramatic black and white footage of Jen saying just that.
I would never! How dare you?
After some more yelling in the bedroom, between Jen, Allison, Sheila and Ryan, the sweet loving couple walks off into the spa room to talk it all out. Jen denies again that she called Ryan a racist and assures him of her love. How touching. In a stomach turning kind of way.
Ask and ye shall receive nice stock answers
Finally, after all this exhausting bickering, we're live in the living room with all the house guests and the Chenbot wants to know about Sheila and Adam's relationship in the house. Sheila lies miserably declaring that skeevy Adam is really her soul mate and they're “a match made in heaven”. Adam says he loves Sheila too. Imagine that. Moving on, Julie gives Jen a chance to make a speech to Ryan and she lauches into some drivel about putting herself out there and how much she loves him. Ryan says the same to her because this is live television and it wouldn't do for America to find out that anything might be wrong. Never mind those live feeds. Julie wants to know who is confident that there are no more secret couples and only three people raise their hands.
Up in the HoH bedroom, Alex and Amanda sit down for their interview with Julie. She wants to know about the megafight of the previous night. Amanda says she received apologies and accepted them as part of the game. She does not regret sharing her story with her useless house mates, nor does she regret anything she has said in the house. Alex thinks they can work together very well and baby voiced Amanda agrees. The whole interview is rather pointless, but nonetheless manages to fill two whole minutes of the show. That's got to count for something.
Yeah, so we're like this awesome team. Yeah.
All the voting couples take turns in the Diary Room talking about their votes, and who deserves to stay or go. Before we can find out who is getting kicked out of the habitrail, Ryan and Allison and Jen and Parker all get to make final speeches. Since the votes have already been cast, the speeches are full of thank yous to the other hamsters. Finally by a vote of 3 to 1, Jen and Parker are kicked to the curb. Tearful hugs, kisses and pats on the back ensue and in short order Jen and Parker are out to meet Julie for their exit interview, while the rest of the house stares at the wall waiting for their pictures to turn black and white on the memory wall. After a few short questions centering around Jen's disastruous decision to reveal her relationship with Ryan, they're quickly dispatched and we move on to the HoH competition. Not a moment too soon. I'm starting to get a bitch of a headache over here.
Winning some losses
The competition is called Big Brother Democracy. The couples are assembled in the backyard behind pulpits. Julie will ask 6 opinion based questions which they will need to answer the way they think the majority would respond. If their answers match the majority they get a point. The kicker is that whatever they pick will actually happen in the house.
As a result of the competition the house loses hot water for 72 hours; the women will be wearing a bathing suit for 24 hours; they lose drinking cups for a week; they pick to have a margarita party; the women will be cooking dinner for a week and they elect to go without the washing machine for two whole weeks. With the most points, Chelsia and James become the next HoH.
Speak slowly. I have only two braincells.
Sucker for more punishment? Tune in Sunday to see your favorite rodents yelling and gossiping or skip the pain and opt for a recap with fewer bleeped words. AshleyPSU will be dishing all the dirt.
Got some juicy gossip? You better not PM me with it. Or else.