Here to take a break from worthwhile human interactions, warm family relationships and common sense? Boy, have you come to the right place! This week on Big Brother 8 we've run the gamut from spine tingling boredom, to a nauseatingly heat-free romance, to naked romps, to witnessing another breakdown of parent-child dynamics and lots and lots of crap. Not to mention all that creepy, delusional talking-to-god-in-the-Diary Room stuff. Want more but worried our furry hamsters' has cup finally runneth empty after vomiting up all this dysfunctional goodness? Don't worry, this season of Big Brother is a bottomless trough of putrid slop. There is probably enough scuzz to last through the bitter end, and then some.
With Jessica firmly ensconced in the HoH room, Amber and Zack on the chopping block and America's Tool literally kissing up to Jess, the houseguests are ready to kick somebody off this runaway train again. All week the Donatos have been wallowing in paranoia, plotting to take out Jessica and Eric, while Jessica and Eric debated whether to cannibalize their alliance sooner rather than later. Jessica confesses in the DR that Eric might have a secret agenda and Eric claims that he's working hard to rid us of Amber. Took him long enough, the little rat.
Day 62: 19 more to go. I'm so sorry...
Julie, poufy hair and horrifying wardrobe – I'll spare you the details - in place, shows up to tell us that this is day 62 in the Big Brother house and Eric is working diligently on behalf of America. Meanwhile, America's Hero is shown on the monitor behind her making weird faces and performing some sort of bizarre dance with his arms. Further proof that our secret collaborator is just a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Thanks BB!
Lovely supermodel candidate, Amber, is distressed and says Eric is only looking out for himself and shockingly he “doesn't care about anyone in this game”. I feel her pain. He should care more for other people, but he's a lowly weasel and he just wants to win lots of dough. The cad. Zach is confident that his
non-existentrelationships in the house will carry him through, especially since Amber is just a floater who isn't capable of doing much. I disagree. She is fully capable of wailing and talking to her personal god 24/7. That should count for something, shouldn't it?
Groveling 101: The Basics
Up in the HoH room Jessica is sobbing to Eric. She feels bad that she put up two people she didn't have a problem with and feels she should have nominated her allies Dick and Dani instead, because *sob* they don't like her or *sob* care about her and *sob* she feels she's making a mistake. I feel I'm making a mistake keeping my volume on. Eric tells her that Amber doesn't like her and that Jessica doesn't really like Amber either. Jessica admits that this is true. Maybe she should have nominated the topiaries; they probably hate her but they can't vote against her on the jury.
Mentioning the devil always makes her appear. Amber shows up to weep and to tell them that she just wants to stay because she's “worked hard for this”. I assume by “this” she means her hard-fought image of a completely delusional bible thumping ex-junkie and weepy mental featherweight. She goes on to say that if she herself can't win the game, then she wants a deserving, “good person” to win it. I can see how that will be exceedingly difficult this year since the Dalai Lama isn't on the cast. Eric can't take it anymore either, and tells us in the DR that Amber needs to take a hike this week. Jessica is still of two minds. I do mean that figuratively, since the presence of even one functioning mind hasn't yet been proven conclusively in her case.
Out in the backyard, Zach is being reassured by Dick that he will be staying. Zach says that he'd rather take either Dick or Dani to the F2 because at least he'll get second place and that's a-okay with him. He says he only needs 20K to do whatever he needs to do. Furthermore he vows to win HoH, put up Jess and Jameka and backdoor Eric. Never mind that he won't be backdooring anyone with only 6 people left in the house, but who cares about such a minor thing as logic when these people think that glory in the BB house can only be found through the backdoor. Dick says the only way Zach will be going is if Zach were to flip on him and try to get rid of him. CBS helpfully supplies one of those handy B&W clips where Zach is shown telling Eric that Dick and Dani need to go. Flip!
Amber finds another opportunity to plead her case to Jessica and Jameka in the HoH room. It seems Amber's been thinking a bit amid all that weeping and praying, and she's discovered that Jessica's HoH week is nothing more than another week when Eric is in power. Jameka can't resist getting in on the act, telling Jess that everyone Eric wanted gone is gone, and that by not using the veto he supposedly kept Jessica safe, however, he probably has an alliance with Dick and Daniele. My goodness, she's psychic, I tell you! Amber sagely opines that Eric is terrified of winning HoH because he doesn't want to get pictures of his girlfriend and having to explain her to Jessica. She says Eric is playing the game through Jessica and Jessica agrees.
However, Amber is not done yet. She claims to be a former master manipulator, having manipulated her boyfriend for years, and she has seen the signs of manipulation with Eric when he flirts with Jessica. He is using her and playing the game only for himself. In the DR, Jessica says she's confused.
Speaking of the devil, will make him appear. As if on cue, Eric comes in and breaks up the lovely trash party. Amber claims they were just talking about her boyfriend. On their way out, Jameka tells Amber that she needs to get Dani to promise Amber her vote.
Unwilling to waste time, Amber heads straight downstairs to talk to Daniele who is laying in bed. Amber proceeds to beg Daniele for her vote, saying she has only Daniele's best interests at heart *snort* and she has nobody else in the house, well, except for Jameka. She reminds Dani that she swore on her daughter's life to not put her up or backdoor her. Cue the B&W footage from last week of Amber begging. She's getting a lot of practice at this begging business. Dani knows it might serve her well to keep Amber, since Dani won't be nominated if Amber manages to win HoH.
Nail in the coffin
What are America's wishes this week? Turns out we want Eric to dump Amber on our behalf. Gee, that's a surprise. He says that shouldn't be a problem, since Amber is self-righteous and she needs to get off her high horse because she's not better than other people. It's amazing to see that our humble wishes coincide with Eric's. I do so fondly remember a time when our little furry puppet just plain refused to help us out. Ah, sweet memories!
Finally alone in the HoH room, Eric is grilling Jessica about her conversation with Amber and Jameka. He knows that Amber was lying when she said they were discussing her boyfriend, and now he just wants to know what they were really talking about. Jessica hides under the covers – is she looking for her brain there, I wonder – and finally tells him that Amber trash talked about Eric. Jessica still says she wants to keep Amber because she likes her. Eric reminds her that Amber is a former junkie and not a good person, especially since Amber is trying to strike a wedge between Jessica and Eric.
Later Dick comes in to compare notes about Zach and relays the fact that Zach will be targeting Jessica and Jameka. Eric tells him that he heard a different scenario in which Dick and Daniele were his targets. Boy, Zach sure is a sneaky, sneaky shrewed player telling people what they want to hear.
Weekly filler with Julie
Since Julie needs to put those cue cards to use, it's time for the weekly house meeting in the Living Room. Jessica gets to talk about her naked romp during the Luxury Competition. Turns out this self-described conservative girl found nudity not so bad. How could it have been bad, I ask, when she got to shop for designer clothes? Duh! Daniele wanted to tell Nick 1-5-3 on the set of Power of 10 and she'd like to say more later on. All I have to say to Daniele is 2-4-2* (see below). Amber is asked how she feels about squandering her chance at winning $10,000 by going after the $100K. Amber thinks she was put there for a reason, and something about her family and something else, and I'm sorry but the UPS guy just rang the doorbell to deliver my new 1000 count box of earplugs from SaveYourIQPlugYourEars.com and I missed the rest of her no doubt self-congratulatory speech. I will not rewind to listen to Amber again, not even for $100K.
A viewer named Roby from Delaware finally asked the question we've all been meaning to ask: Why does Dick spit so much? CBS shows an endearing, sweet compilation of Dick's best spitting moments in the BB house, lovingly scored with Khachaturian's Sabre Dance. Trust me, you're better off for not having seen it. Dick's only explanation is that spitting is second nature to him, much like walking and talking. I hope you weren't expecting an actual explanation.
The Hallelujah Factor
I briefly contemplated skipping this next segment and just putting down a couple of paragraphs about something worthwhile like punk music, or typing up one my favorite poems, but I can't in good conscience deprive you of all that wholesome holy goodness that is Jameka. Actually, I just don't see why missing the show should mean that you can be spared the torture.
We already know that Jameka just loves her church and her preacher to death, now we get to meet said preacher, Jeff, who is shown wearing a microphone on his head like the one Britney Spears used to wear while lipsynching, and giving a shout-out to Jameka from his pulpit. We find out that he thinks god put Jameka on Big Brother for a reason, and that she's an example of a good Christian person. CBS intersperses Dick and Jameka's fight, with commentary from her sister Danita, who says that Jameka has a fiery side when pushed over the line. Cut to Jameka yelling at Dick in the backyard: “I say nothin' about you not believin' in Christ, I say nothin' about you not believin' in god!!” Ole!! Jameka's sister feels sorry for Dick and she thinks he's angry because “he's missing something in his life”. She thinks he lacks the benefit of having a strong faith. Some more is said about how Jameka is a good person who prays out of love and then prays some more and with that we're finally done.
Maybe I should have just typed up that poem instead.
America's Tool: A shallow look
Have you often wondered about Eric, wanting to know more about him? Me neither, but it seems CBS thought it was high time for America to hear from his family. We meet his older brother, Josh, and his younger brother, Alex, who both think Eric is in a good spot right now. Josh favors Eric's relationship with Jessica and Alex says Eric's motives with Jessica are genuine. It turns out that Eric had an on-again, off-again relationship with a girl named Cheryl, but they were broken up when he entered the house. They insist he didn't lie about being single.
Cheryl has a different story. She apparently considers Eric her boyfriend and can't wait to see him. Cheryl chirps excitedly that she cheers Eric on but can't help feeling jealous. She maintains that she will stand by her man until he tells her otherwise after the show.
Taking out the trash
In her weekly interview with Jessica, Julie wants to know about Jessica and Eric and who does she think would be the first one out in a Dick-Dani-Eric-Jess final four. Jessica trusts Eric and she is competitive. She will do everything to not be the first one out. She feels that people underestimate her.
Final speeches are always fun – or not – and Zach must have known this. He delivers a nicely rehearsed speech about bunny suits, mad hatters and how much he enjoyed himself in the house. He wants to stay in Wonderland and keep going down the rabbit hole. Oy. Amber's speech is weepy, full of words of love and friendship about how she'd love to stay and how they're all special and all that. It's basically her speech from last week and the week before that, plus a bit of extra tears as if she hasn't cried enough already.
First up is Jameka who cries while evicting Zach. Eric is next and since his vote is set, Julie just tells him that he has so far earned $30K for supposedly completing all those tasks. Dick and Daniele both vote out Amber. By a vote of 3 to 1, Amber is a goner. Some quick tearful hugs with everybody and she's
finallyout the front door. I guess they weren't even going to waste a good back door on Amber.
Face to face with Julie, Amber thinks she was evicted because nobody wanted to sit with her in the final two since she has so many friends and because they were nervous about the numbers in case she stayed. She blames Eric for her eviction, and his double dealing ways. When asked about how she determines who are the “good people” and who are the “bad people”, Amber says: “Based on how people play the game, if they're honest, if they lie, if they go around making deals, you know, telling people things that aren't the truth, just stuff like that, calling people out, being rude, just nasty negative energy that they set off in the house. You can tell a good person from a bad person, in that aspect.” I just thought that explanation deserved to be put down fully, in black and white, for your enjoyment.
When asked about whether she thought god didn't want her to win, Amber saw fit to say that she does not believe that god didn't want her to win, but rather she made a lot of mistakes and trusted people. However, she was on TV, shown to the whole world and that something else will come out of her experience, such as maybe – don't laugh - a future career as a motivational speaker or going to nursing school. The goodbye messages are very mellow and clearly all our furry hamsters can be nice when there are potentially 500,000 reasons to be nice. Jessica even has the presence of mind to mention “good persons” twice. Maybe she's not so dumb after all.
The houseguests are sent out to the backyard for the HoH competition. Jameka can't play this week or the next, and Jess is ineligible as outgoing HoH. The competition is called “The Big Brother Tea Party”. The setup consists of four separate lanes, each with a giant teapot at one end and a pedestal with a big bowl at the other end. The houseguests are each directed to pick up a small teacup. The task is to fill the bowl at the end of their lane with colored tea from their giant teapots using only the small teacup, until a silver ball at the bottom of the bowl can rise up to the top and fit over one of three holes. The first houseguest to take out the silver ball wins the competition. Each teapot has 55 gallons of tea. A teacup holds only 3oz of tea and it takes 16 gallons to fill up a bowl, which comes to 683 trips back and forth to fill the entire bowl. Big Brother is also supplying a mixture of corn oil and baby oil to make the lanes more slippery for the houseguests.
That's all for today folks. If you want to find out who won HoH, come back on Sunday, unless you want to just go here. Janelle will show her pretty face on Tuesday for a special Veto Competition and next Thursday I'll have the pleasure of reporting on a double eviction. Yay! Two furry rats for the price of one! Why haven't they done this before? We could have been rid of Amber weeks ago in a package deal with whatshername who got evicted back in the first week. Imagine the peace, the quiet, the tranquility! Of course Dick would still have been spitting and cursing, but you just can't have everything...
* = Oh, shut up!