Genuine entertainment is hard to come by in the Big Brother house this year. The hamsters are stupider than usual, the game is non-existent and somebody always finds time to either weep uncontrollably or engage in one-sided conversations with their deity, be it over winning a veto or simply folding the laundry. Sometimes they manage to do these things at the same time, thereby saving us all some aggravation. But not much. Given such a dismal state of affairs, is it any wonder that our none too intelligent furry summer pets tend to grow restless in their cage every once in a while, making us giddy with delight when something, anything, is finally happening? We're nothing if not easily amused.
I'll cut out some fat right here and I'll skip the recap of the recap. The veto competition netted Dani the veto necklace, earned Jen that cushy seat on the chopping block, and as for Amber... let's all say it together now: “Waaaaa!” The other thing that came out of this competition was that Dani and Amber, as the two top finishers, won a trip to New York City to appear on the “Power of 10”. More on that later.
In the aftermath of the veto ceremony, Jen terms Dani a liar in the DR while Jameka is simply glad about her chances now that Jen is on the block. Dani sees Jen as a threat, saying she's a “loose cannon”. More prophetic words have never been spoken, as you'll see in a little bit.
Dick saunters into the workout room to talk to Jen. He tells her that what Dani said about Jen at the veto ceremony is the truth; people resent the fact that she's not in the game for the money. Hmm. You'd think they'd be happy that she's not gunning for the same dough they are gunning for. I should really stop looking for logic with these people, but old habits die hard. Damn you, Dr. Will. They go back and forth a bit more about this and end up nowhere. That's not surprising since I suspect there was never really a point to this conversation, as with roughly 99% of the interaction between Dick and Jen this is just another battle of the wills in their own dirty little private war. The high school bully and the high school primadonna, at each other's throats.
Up in the HoH, Dani is packing for her trip. Jen comes in and they have another conversation in which Dani tells her that *insert whiny high pitched annoying voice * “on a strategic level you are my biggest competitor”. Jen counters by saying that she did save Dani's father last week and even manages to squeeze out a tear. In the DR she says she will have the last laugh, because she always has a good time even when she's crying. Dun, dun, dunn!
Shortly after, Amber and Daniele are summoned to the Diary Room, to be whisked away to parts unknown. Please, please let Amber be abducted by aliens on her way to New York!
Commencement of hostilities
As the day goes on without whiny Daniele and weepy Amber, Jen tells Jameka and Dick that she just can't go to the sequester house because it would kill her. She shrugs her shoulders and says if she doesn't go, she just won't get a vote. Jameka privately confesses that Jen's devil-may-care attitude and her unwillingness to fulfill her obligations, degrades the integrity of the game. What integrity? That's an alien concept on this show, doesn't Jameka know that? Meanwhile, Dick just blows smoke in the air, finally prompting Jen go into the house to pack up all her stuff. She stashes all her things into garbage bags and hides them all over the house causing Dick to remark to the other houseguests that Jen is all packed to go and even cooking burgers. They all seem baffled by this and briefly, Eric even muses that he's glad she's taking things so well. Not so fast, little hamsters, not so fast.
But all's not well that seems well. Dick questions Jen about the burgers that she's cooking but not supposed to eat, and Jen threatens to eat them. Jameka tries to talk her out of it, but all is not well in Jen-land. She rounds up 4 cartons of Dick's cigarettes and methodically stomps on them and pours bleach over them in the storage room. When Dick finally thinks to look for his cigarettes, he discovers them missing and immediately blames Jen. However, there is barely a confrontation besides a few choice words from Dick telling her to go eat those turkey burgers since she wants to “go out with a bang”. Hmm. Perhaps not quite the reaction Jen was looking for. Instead of blowing a gasket, Dick finds all of Jen's things and stashes them in the HoH room under lock and key, telling her she won't be missed when she's gone and that he won't give her things back till she's evicted.
Un-heroic acts of utter desperation
What do you do when despite all your best attempts, the enemy just won't capitulate? In the BB house it seems the last ditch, most desperate of all desperate acts of rebellion, consists of eating while on slop, and that is exactly what Jen does next. She calmly goes out to the backyard and scarfs down a turkey burger sans bun, an apple and some cottage cheese, right there in front of Eric, Jessica and Jameka. Before she's even done defiantly stuffing her face, BB calls her to the Diary Room while the others just sit there dumbstruck. The reward for this byzantine move completely lacking in tactical merit? A penalty vote which means Jen will get an automatic extra vote against her courtesy of Big Brother. That's the BB equivalent of your castle's gates being smashed in by a battering ram.
Out in the backyard, Jen is back from her talk with BB but Dick is not quite done talking. He comes out and tells her to just go home, blowing smoke in her direction. Smoke being Jen's red kryptonite, she suddenly lunges after his cigarette, repeatedly attempting to knock it out of his hand. She manages to burn herself while Dick keeps saying “don't touch me, don't touch me”. They face off angrily, with Dick telling her to just go home since she's gone on Thursday anyway, and Jameka restraining Jen. The air is suddenly thick with the smell of cannon fire and cowardice as Eric and Jessica are trying to make themselves invisible in the nearby hot tub. Imagine if this skirmish never happened? You'd now be reading yet another paragraph about how Amber sobbed again because *insert name of houseguest here* betrayed her most shamelessly. Thank you, Jen, for eating while on slop!
Far from the battlefield
While all this is going on in the house, Dani and Amber are on their way to New York City to meet Drew Carey and compete on the “Power of 10” for a chance to win 10 million dollars. They're blindfolded and led to a waiting limo, seated on board a private jet and flown to New York and introduced to a producer from “Power of 10” who explains the game to them. I want to interject and tell the guy with the British accent, that unless he wants Amber to start sobbing, he needs to use smaller words and go slower because Amber barely speaks English.
They're also told that each will get a support person in the audience (Nick and Amber's cousin), whom they will meet later. Sitting in the make-up chair Amber tells the make-up artist that she's got such an upbeat personality that the audience will instantly love her. No matter what, I don't think that poor woman is getting paid enough to listen to Amber being delusional. So, do you want to know how
quickly Amber dropped outmuch money they won, if any? Tune in on August 28th to “Power of 10” if you've got nothing better to do. Otherwise, just wait for next Tuesday's recap.
With Amber and Dani back from their trip, the hamsters are ready to vote. However, Julie inexplicably decides to let Amber talk about the meaning of her trip. I'll spare you the gory details, but she babbles something about appreciating the game. The game she has no idea how to play. That game. Dani says it was a “well needed” respite from the house. Jen is quizzed about her feelings now that she made Big Brother history by eating slop. Jen stares into space. Jen looks for an appropriate string of three words to cobble together into a coherent sentence. Jen rolls her eyes and says that she didn't know what else to do because she was “upset” with Big Brother. America says “Huh?” Yeah. Well, that'll teach you to get your “facts” from the edited CBS show alone. That's all I'll say. Let's move on.
It's time for a montage of Eric cross dressing, Eric streaking, Eric wearing panties. I'm sure you're all grateful not to have seen all that. It seems whenever Eric loses a bet he either dresses up like a girl or airs his, er, private business in front of millions. Another 47 seconds of my life I'll never get back.
In her talk with Julie, Dani credits Eric and Jessica with a lot of her success this week. Julie wants to know whether she'll ever turn on her father or is she planning on going all the way to the final two with him. Dani wants to be in the final two with Dick simply because he's got so many people against him. Julie is not satisfied and asks again whether Dani will turn on him in the F2. Dani doesn't budge. Julie beats a hasty retreat.
Exile to Sequester Island
In her final plea, Jen giddily talks about being a
vacuoushappy person, who is self centeredhonest which is why she doesn't fit in the house, and she is positive positively in love with attention. She is glad to have had the chance to play and she will leave happy. How long before modern medical science can perform personality transplants? I'm sure Jen would happily volunteer her happy self for the betterment of mankind. Jameka is grateful, honored, happy and something else I'm forgetting right now. Do you really care? She probably just thanked her god again or something.
Julie informs the hamsters that Jen gets an extra vote against her due to the whole eating-while-on-slop thing, and they're off to the DR to vote. I could drag this out and make you read another paragraph but I'm not that cruel. Everybody, including BB and North America, evicts Jen. With a vote of 6 – 0 Jen is being shipped off to torment Dustin in the sequester house, and isn't that just the icing on this cake?
Jen gives a few fake hugs to a few reluctant hamsters, then heads for the door. Eric can't resist yelling after her that as happy as she is to leave, they're happier that she's going. Hee! Talking to Julie, Jen admits she is a “random” person and when quizzed about her strategy she admits to having had none. Her goodbye messages are
heavily editedsurprisingly tame and even friendly. The word integrity is thrown around a few times. Whew! We're finally rid of Jen... but wait! Julie tells her she'll be helping in the HoH competition. What? Holly wasn't available for a cameo?
Tanking for victory
Julie rejoins the houseguests in the backyard for the HoH competition. Everyone is playing except Jameka and Dani. They're all seated on top of separate 350 gallon water tanks, for a game entitled “Tanks for the memories”. Evicted houseguests were recently asked questions and the contestants need to guess how they answered by holding up either the A card or the B card. A correct answer will keep you in the game, an incorrect answer will mean Jen, who is standing beside Julie, will be pushing a button that dumps you in the ice cold water. The last player to stay dry, wins the competition.
They all get the first question right, but Eric gets dunked on the second question that was asked of Carol: “Who would do worse in a spelling bee, Jessica or Amber?” The correct answer was Jessica. I guess America won't be HoH this week either. They all miss the question about who would Kail rather give her bible to, Dick or Jameka. She'd give it to Dick. They all stay in the game. Next out are Zach and Amber who miss the question about who would Nick like to see streaking the least. They say Eric, but Nick said Zach. Dick and Jessica are left, and they face off on a question about who described their experience in the house as the movie “Meet the Fockers”, Mike or Joe? Dick is dunked and Jessica wins Head of Household. The correct answer was Joe.
As credits roll and we leave the Big Brother house this week, I'm left pondering whether: a) Amber will swear on her kid's life again in the coming week and b) how many times.
What percentage of Americans care about Amber and Daniele? PM me. The winner will get a fabulous prize consisting of a screencap of Amber sobbing and/or an audio clip of Dani saying “It's soooo fruuuuustrating!” Unless I'm lying and you'll get nothing.