Are you ready to get rid of a couple more of our sleazy little exhibitionist friends? Well you're in luck because this is the big day, the day that two furry hamsters get kicked out the door, dispatched back into blessed obscurity never to be seen or heard from ever again, as long as we all shall live. Or is it? It seems a big twist is coming our way and something of monumental proportions is going to shake up this smelly rodent cage tonight. Will the mysterious alarm finally sound and send the hamsters into a predictable tizzy? Will Big Brother finally throw in the towel, announce a do-over and replace the house guests with six pairs of randomly chosen Himalayan mountain goats, which are both better behaved, have better fur and possess more common sense? Get yourself a stiff alcoholic beverage, or three, and let's get to it.
28 days later
Revisiting the week's events is always fun for me, mostly because the whole regurgitation thing takes up at least five minutes of show time. Yippee! Only 55 more to go and if I count all the 35 or so commercials, there's only about 10 minutes of show time in all. That's about all the sleaze and idiocy I can take in one sitting anyway. Julie is on hand after the recap to cheerfully announce that it's Day 28 of Big Brother, and the house was in turmoil all week. Again. She starts her monologue sitting down as she recounts the disturbing events surrounding Josh being upset with Allison because she claimed to be a lesbian, but really she wasn't, and she neglected to tell him thereby making him very angry. Talking about the vengeful nominations that flowed out of the Josh-Allison fight, Julie gets up and moves in front of the camera, adopting an expression of barely contained horror. In case you're wondering why one week I completely ignore Julie and the next I give you a detailed rundown of her hairdo and facial expressions, all I can say is that I flip a coin about it. You all just got lucky and this week is details-about-Julie week.
This turtleneck is seriously chocking me.
Sheila hates being on the block but Natalie is happy to share said block with Sheila because she is anxious to part ways with her former ally. Meanwhile Matt knows that whoever he keeps around will be in his debt in the future and is ready to make sure that happens.
Calling people to the Matt
With little else to occupy them, the house guests speculate wildly about the meaning of the siren. When will it sound? What will it do? Whose plans will be busted by it's shrill noise? Sheila thinks strategically and says she'll be ready for anything by sleeping in her sweats. I think that's a smart plan. No matter what the siren brings, sweats are appropriate attire for any occasion and we know how important it is for a woman to be always dressed appropriately. Natalie tells Josh she is convinced the siren will sound at night and it will signal the return of an evicted person or persons. Josh listens in horror to this prediction. Everyone discusses whether the tone of the siren could be considered good or bad news.
On a different front, Allison and Ryan analyze their position and Allison wants to know whether Ryan trusts Matt. He says he does and they agree to both talk to him. Ryan corners Matt by the pool table to extract some assurances from him about whether he'll keep Ryan and Allison in the game. Matt eagerly tells him that he's keeping them, there is no need to keep quizzing him about it and it's a done deal. Ryan looks relieved but Matt confesses that he's sneakily playing both sides so as not to alienate anyone. Talking separately to Adam, Allison and Sheila, Matt promises all of them his vote in the hopes that they'll all think that the one vote they got was from him. Matt is so smart! I think this is a brilliant plan that nobody will be able to see through because it's only been done five or six times previously. Per season. But maybe what is old will be new again in this House of Fools. I'm pretty sure I could sell these people some swampland in Florida without even trying.
Allison continues her campaign with James and Chelsia, telling them that she thinks Matt is honest with her and he will keep her and Ryan in the game. James is not so sure and thinks the opposite. Talking to Sheila, it becomes clear to James that Matt has promised his vote to her as well. He knows that this will hurt him in the game so he calls out Matt's plan in front of Adam and Ryan, telling them that Matt is playing both sides. Oops! Matt counters with irrefutable logic saying “they know what they know, but if you don't know what they know, that's too bad”. And that's all he's saying. Oh, that's more than enough, Matty, you amazing genius!
If they only knew what I know then they'd know. But they don't.
The reluctant ball and his clinging chain
Finally going live to the Living Room, Julie wants to know what the house guests think about the siren. Opinions vary widely from a possible nuclear meltdown – seriously? - to Matt saying something about a secret identical house with their exes in it and something else. Makes little sense, but then I'm not surprised. Nine out of ten things these people say are completely useless.
For some reason Big Brother decides to dissect Matt and Natalie's dysfunctional relationship this week. You may want to drink more of that vodka now. While Natalie has feelings for Matt, he's clearly not that into her. Sprinkled among the sweet testimony from friends we get scenes of Matt and Natalie in the hammock arguing over Matt's unwillingness to spend more time with her. It's a sad juxtaposition that makes me feel a bit bad for Natalie. To gain more insight into this sorry pair, we get to visit first with Natalie's scantily clad friends at the Bikini Coffee Shop back in “the Beaver state” to find out what makes Natalie tick. An artist, her paintings of women in bikinis line the walls of the small establishment, we find out that Natalie is kind of a doormat with men. Gee, that's a surprise. Her sister Colleen says Natalie “comes on strong” when she likes someone. She thinks that attaching herself to Matt is a bad idea. I'll say.
Frans Hals by way of Penthouse.
Back in Boston, Matt's buddies cheer him on. His friend Kevin thinks that Matt is there to win the money and not to form relationships. Apparently Matt can and has fallen in love before but Kevin feels Matt is not ready to settle down and will “keep breaking hearts”. This is bad news indeed for Natalie.
Can we just pray instead of having sex?
Saved by the siren
Julie informs us that after the vote, when the evicted couple tries to leave they'll find the door closed. The mysterious siren will sound signaling a new phase in the game in which all the couples will be split up and only one half of the evicted couple will be kicked to the curb. Oh, damn. This means another half a dozen weeks or more of this crap. CBS should offer free counseling to viewers. Watching these furry hamsters for that much longer may permanently injure the weaker, and even some of the stronger, among us. I worry for the mental health of Big Brother fans with prolonged exposure to these people.
Since the votes have already been cast, none of the couples get to make final pleas to stay in the house, thereby saving us some precious time. Julie simply announces that by a vote of 2 – 0 Allison and Ryan have been evicted. Awkward hugging ensues and in short order Ryan and Allison walk to the door. Allison gets there first but can't open the door. They siren suddenly goes off prompting Allison to happily jump up and down, clearly relieved and excited. Julie is back and announces that the couples are splitting up. Allison is shaking with happiness, she can hardly contain herself now that she thinks she has just been saved from elimination. The house guests are shocked and many celebrate loudly. Josh is the only one sitting quietly staring at the monitor. More good news follows. Couples are free to choose where to sleep from now on, which makes both Adam and Matt hug and jump excitedly. The biggest news however is that only one half of the evicted couple will be leaving. They will all get to vote live to evict one person. The news slightly deflates Allison who probably thought that she and Ryan would both get to stay. Hee!
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good bye... Again
Just when I thought we were free of sappy speeches, Julie gives both Ryan and Allison one final chance to plead their cases. Ryan is up first. He enjoys everyone in the house even though he's been on the block most of the time, he says, but would like another chance to be nominated again. Allison breaks down in tears, professes her respect for Ryan and just keeps saying how much she wants to stay and have a chance to do more in the house. I'm not sure her housemates loved to hear that she wants “to do more in the house”. One by one the hamsters walk into the Diary Room to vote. In a unanimous decision, Adam, Chelsia, Matt, Sheila, Natalie and James all vote to evict Allison from the house. For the second time in one night. After a few really awkward hugs from a couple of people, the house guests turn their backs on Allison and she walks quietly out of the house while the others immediately start celebrating their newfound individual status. Matt's first thought is for a group romp in the hot tub, now that they're all single. That would have been my first thought too if I had fine dust particles filling out my skull instead of a brain.
Gone, baby, gone.
Payback is a bitch
As the celebration continues on inside the house, Allison sits down for her talk with Julie. She breaks down talking about her surprise eviction. They talk about Lesbiangate and whether it was a joke gone bad or a major mistake. Allison maintains it wasn't supposed to be anything more than a joke but it did turn out to be a mistake. Tearfully, she expresses her gratitude at having been in the house and having met all of these people. I'm not sure why she is so glad, since these same people just unanimously got rid of her sorry ass, but there you have it, one more down. We move on.
The HoH competition is up next, where the first individual HoH will be decided. Sharon and Josh are not competing. The name of the game is “Time After Time”. All house guests are assembled in the backyard, taking their places in the usual booth and rotating answer board setup. Julie will ask some true or false questions about events that happened in the Big Brother house. A correct question moves them up, an incorrect question eliminates a contestant. The first question is answered correctly by all, but the second one eliminates James and Natalie. After the third question, Sheila, Matt and Chelsia are also eliminated leaving Adam and Ryan to duke it out for the win. They both get the first two questions wrong but stay in the game for the third and final question which Adam answers incorrectly. Thus Ryan becomes the first single Head of Household. Josh seems disconcerted and keeps glancing around, worry written all over him. I'm guessing he isn't too thrilled with Ryan's victory, which of course makes me happy. Whatever upsets any of these people is what makes me cheer, because I'm mean like that. Or maybe I just don't like these stupid hamsters.
Matt says he loves me!
After all this excitement and a couple of alcoholic beverages, I'm ready to put a fork into this episode. But wait! Just when I thought it couldn't possibly get worse, Julie cruelly informs us that one more surprise is coming our way. It seems they've kept all those previously evicted hamsters tucked away in seclusion and secretly fattened them up. Until now. America will have a chance to vote one of these dumb losers back into the game just to make me acutely miserable. Even Allison is eligible to get back into the habit rail. I swear CBS is out to ruin my visions of a beautiful spring which all centered around BB being over in about three weeks or so. I already pictured myself, free of Big Brother, running happily through a beautiful green field with a gentle breeze whispering through my hair and the warm spring sun caressing my skin. Clearly, I've been most shockingly played. Next week we'll find out which one of the rejects gets to return and how much more alcohol it will take to numb the pain of an extended season.
Be back for more sleaze and even less brains on Sunday, or catch the better deal and read all about it instead from the clever AshleyPSU.
Rat poison or baseball bat? PM me.