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Thread: Big Brother 3/2 Recap: Kiss My Ass-paragus!

  1. #1
    Mullet/Summer Enthusiast AshleyPSU's Avatar
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    Big Brother 3/2 Recap: Kiss My Ass-paragus!

    What an exciting season of Big Brother. *sigh* The only male I cared to look at is gone. There are only five hamster couples left. Bland and blander are the new HoH couple. But hey, on a lighter note, I do have some Girl Scout cookies beside me as I settle in to write this recap! Woo! Let the sugar buzz begin!

    We start off by reliving the eviction of Amanda and Alex from the house. Matt whines a bit because his bromance is no longer kickin’, so he asks everyone for a group hug. I can feel the love. James is happy because Operation Condorks is a success. Big Brother lets us know how tough of a decision the eviction was by showing scenes of the drama and vote flip flopping that occurred only an hour before the eviction. Josh and Allison have a sassy exchange of words and he informs her that he has some things saved up to make someone cry if need be. He tells Sharon not to be scared of Allison because she is a heartless bitch. He also thinks that Allison is the biggest liar and manipulator in the house.

    Oh No He Didn’t!

    If you already forgot since Wednesday, Josh and Sharon won HoH. Josh thinks winning HoH is better than sex. Hmm. I’ll leave that one alone. James is super happy that his main man won. Allison thinks that Josh rubbed his win in everyone’s faces. Josh and Allison get in each other’s faces, yelling about who can pee further, spit further, etc. Not really, but wouldn’t that be funny? Josh tells her that he is going to make her life hell, she asks him how, and then he pulls out the ULTIMATE INSULT. He insults her dress by calling it “tired”. Are you kidding me? Way to go right for the jugular! Chelsia thinks that Josh is just on a power trip. Ryan thinks he’s psycho. Josh doesn’t think that anyone should lie about being gay because it was hard for him to come out and it isn’t a joke, etc etc.

    Allison informs Matt that he is still in the house because of her. He says he knows and that he is thankful for that. Josh walks by and starts yelling some random crap about Allison being a bitch or being ugly or something. Ugh, I’m over it. Josh really isn’t a prize himself. Allison bawls in the diary room, saying that she isn’t going to take Josh’s crap anymore. She bawls in the bathroom and says she is done. Ryan tries to comfort her. Josh complains some more to Natalie and Sheila about Allison. Okay really. Is this high school? Aren’t these people supposed to be adults?

    Allison’s whining continues into the kitchen, where she tells Matt and Ryan that they should be ashamed of themselves for not sticking up for her. They tell her that they weren’t even there when this whole thing went down, but she doesn’t care. Matt offers to “slap him around” a bit but Allison just wants to drop it. She says she would never let anyone talk to a woman that way. Helloooo Allison, they weren’t there when all of this happened. What do you want them to do?

    It’s My Tiara, and I’ll Wear It If I Want To

    Josh and Sharon announce that it’s time to see their HoH room. Everyone heads upstairs, except for Allison. There are pictures of Joshua and his family and Sharon and her family. Big Brother surprises Sharon with a picture of her and Jacob. Remember Jacob? She isn’t too happy with that. Naughty BB! Joshuah gets a princess tiara. Seriously, he got a tiara that says “Princess for a Day”. He jams to his music, doing a little funky chicken dance or some crazy move.


    I’ve always wanted to be prom queen!

    Josh, not one to let things go, continues to complain about the fact that Allison lied that she was a lesbian. Wait, wasn’t Sheila in on that little conspiracy too? Why isn’t there any hate for her? He is mad because she pretended she went through an experience that she never went through. He then preaches to everyone about the rules of “outing” someone. Sheila says she thought it was just a funny joke but Allison took it way too far. Josh confronts Ryan with the news that Allison was pretending to be a lesbian ever since Day 2. Chelsia fills him in on the details. Ryan gets pissed, calling his partner stupid and deceitful. He then goes and confronts Allison about it and she calls it a stupid joke. She also says it was Sheila’s idea and that nobody believed it. Ryan tells her that everyone really did believe it. He calls her manipulative and she decides that if he doesn’t want to be in it with her, then she doesn’t want to be in it with him. My head hurts… but these Girl Scout cookies sure are good!!

    What a Mighty Good Man

    In a welcome change of focus, Matt and Natalie are shown getting into bed with each other. She tries to cuddle with him but he says they can’t cuddle. She says she is a good girl and he says he isn’t. He tells her that she should be thankful he’s being “like this” with her, whatever that means. She says she can’t help it that she’s a girl and she likes to cuddle. Apparently by cuddle, she means “make out”. They suck face for a few seconds and he pulls away and tells her that’s all she is getting. He also tells her not to get emotionally attached to him. He actually makes her pinky swear that she won’t get attached or tell him that she loves him or anything like that. What a gentleman!


    Natalie, here’s a dollar. Buy yourself some dignity.

    Shake Your Ass-paragus

    It’s time for the food competition! Josh and Sharon are dressed in overalls and announce to the houseguests that they need to head to the storage room to get their outfits. All of the girls will be wearing green asparagus unitards and the guys just have to wear aprons. Adam makes some barbaric comments about boobs and asparagus crowns or something. I don’t pay attention to him anymore. The backyard is full of baskets and baskets of asparagus. Chelsia comments that this must be an expensive competition because asparagus costs a lot of money!

    The food competition this time around is called “Big Ass-paragus”. Each hamster must try to match their partner’s weight in the produce of the day. What is the produce of the day you ask? Well duh! Asparagus! One person has to fill a crate with enough asparagus to match the weight of the other person. The only way to gauge the weight is to lift their partner and then lift the asparagus. The HoH couple is allowed to help the competing contestants lift each other and offer their advice, but the competing contestants make the finals decisions. If a couple is within 10 pounds of their partner’s weight in the 5 minute time limit, they earn their food group for the house for the week. What foods will they be playing for? Meats and cheeses, fruits and vegetables, beverages and snacks, and carbs and a feast. If no couples come within 10 pounds, the entire house will be on slop and asparagus for the week.


    I bet Adam doesn’t get a lot of ass-paragus.

    The results:
    James and Chelsia: Chelsia’s weight: 117 Weight guessed in asparagus: 113
    The houseguests win beverages and snacks for the week.

    Adam and Sheila: Sheila’s weight: 131 Weight guessed in asparagus: 140
    The houseguests win fruits and vegetables for the week.

    Matt and Natalie: Natalie’s weight: 116 Weight guessed in asparagus: 99
    The houseguests did not win carbs and a feast.

    Ryan and Allison: Allison’s weight: 120 Weight guessed in asparagus: 110
    The houseguests win meat and cheeses for the week.

    After the competition, the houseguests have an asparagus fight. I can’t imagine that throwing asparagus is much fun, but hey whatever.

    Who Are You Calling a Cootie Queen? You Lint Licker!

    Natalie thinks a good form of entertainment is painting with nail polish. She is going to paint a portrait of Josh on a paper towel. She actually does a pretty good job. Away from nail polish world and into cat clawing world, Josh and Allison are once again arguing in the kitchen. She tells Josh he is the ugliest person that she’s ever seen. He calls her ugly and flat chested. Are these seriously supposed to be insults? They are just making me chuckle. She tells him that he looks so stupid. He tells her that she is a Cyclops and has a third eye. Okay I think we’ve digressed from high school to elementary school now. He can’t wait to send her home and she says she isn’t going home.


    *sniffle* I can’t believe he called me ugly. I’m not ugly. Why are you laughing? *sniffle*

    He takes shelter in the HoH room, where Sharon tells him he needs to call a house meeting minus Ryan and Allison. He tells everyone that he is going to ignore her because he wants peace in the house. Sharon thinks that Allison has to go. They all agree. Sheila thinks things could get ugly. Down in the “nobody wants to play with us” room, Allison tells Ryan it would be pretty easy to flip Josh back over to her side. She thinks all she has to do is talk to him and she will win him back. With that thought in her head, she marches up to the HoH room. She apologizes to Josh for the things she said to him and he rolls his eyes. She explains that she doesn’t understand where all of the harsh words came from. Josh goes on about how he felt personally offended by the lesbian story and it wasn’t right, blah blah. He feels that she was using his own sexuality against him. She says it was so stupid and whatever they want, she will do it. She tells Josh that she loves him and that she will go along with whatever he wants from here on out. Grovel, grovel, grovel. They hug. Put on your boots folks, the crap is getting deep!

    Nomination time finally rolls around, and Allison is pretty sure she is going to be nominated. She’s a bright girl. She has a college degree you know! Mattie is worried that he is going to be nominated once again. Josh and Sharon say their little spiel, and pull the keys of Adam and Sheila. They are safe. The other safe couple this week is Chelsia and James. That means this week’s nominees are: Matt and Natalie and Allison and Ryan. Sharon thinks they are the two strongest couples in the house. Josh says it’s a game and there can only be one winner.

    Who will win the power of veto? Will they use it? Will Josh dance around like an idiot some more in his princess tiara? Do you know where I can buy more Girl Scout cookies? Tune in Tuesday to find out! Have the attention span of a 4 year old? Skip the episode and read a FORT recap instead!

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  2. #2
    FORT Fogey Snapit's Avatar
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    Re: Big Brother 3/2 Recap: Kiss My Ass-paragus!

    Ashley - I hate it that you had to put yourself thru the torture of watching this bunch of losers but I'm glad you did. Your recap was better than watching the actual show.

    Gotta The Fort
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  3. #3
    what are you watching? iguanachocolate's Avatar
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    Re: Big Brother 3/2 Recap: Kiss My Ass-paragus!

    i agree, brilliant recap!

    but, more importantly, will you share your Girl Scout cookies with me? Pleeeeaaaasssseeeee?

  4. #4
    Who Dat lildago's Avatar
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    Re: Big Brother 3/2 Recap: Kiss My Ass-paragus!

    Great recap, Ashley!

    Everything is better with cookies! I'm all about Samoas!
    Getting lost will help you find yourself.

  5. #5
    runs with scissors waywyrd's Avatar
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    Re: Big Brother 3/2 Recap: Kiss My Ass-paragus!

    Natalie, here’s a dollar. Buy yourself some dignity.

    I bet Adam doesn’t get a lot of ass-paragus.
    That was great, Ashley.

    I'm going to have to try the cookies...it might make these people easier to watch.
    Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted - John Lennon

  6. #6
    FORT Fogey misskitty's Avatar
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    Re: Big Brother 3/2 Recap: Kiss My Ass-paragus!

    Great recap!!!
    Live simply ~ Love generously~ Care deeply~ Speak kindly

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