Last Tuesday a fresh group of hairy hamsters moved into the Big Brother cage. There were so many of them that I feared it was going to take me at least three weeks to tell them apart, but then Big Brother came to my rescue and announced that each week two of our new pets will be banished from the nest. Yipee!! Today it's time to bounce the first couple of them and marvel at this newly efficient no-nonsense Big Brother. Gone are the days of getting rid of the hamsters one miserable ne'erdowell at a time and agonizing over one more week with your most despised house guest still in the game. Say hello to double eliminations! As things stood after the last show, Jen and Parker plucked their heart pillow off the mattress in the Power Couple competition, thereby earning $10K in cash and the sole privilege of ousting the first soulmate couple from the house. Lets see which couple will be the first to be tossed out of their log cabin hamster paradise.
Newly minted Power Couple, Jen and Parker, are each happy in their own way about their big win. Parker feels they are like Brangelina, I guess in a non-Brad and definitely non-Angelina kind of way, while Jen is just happy that she'll have the power to keep her sweetheart Ryan in the game and keep their relationship secret a little longer. Such naivete can only mean that perhaps she hasn't seen Big Brother before. Parker mentions Adam and Sheila as distinct possibilities for eviction, because they're just so annoying and because they don't get along. We can't have that! Sharon feels safe because she clicked with Parker but googly eyed Adam is worried. His clash with whiny Sheila caused ripples in the hamster cabin and he wisely feels that this may prove to be a problem for them. Ya think? While their fight was bad enough, Adam knows how to be offensive without any help from Sheila. He spews some narrow minded and definitely non-PC hate talk about autistic children from a foundation he does PR work for, calling them “retarded”, which Sheila finds offensive.
She goes around the house yapping about her dislike of creepy Adam and finally they have a confrontation about it in the kitchen. She tries to tell him how insensitive he is being, while he defends his position. In the DR, he claims he “busts his ass helping these special needs children” and that Sheila is just clueless. I bet.
Helping the disadvantaged one offensive comment at a time
Montague and Capulet v 2.0 beta
The whole soulmate thing may have been a cakewalk had it not been for the fact that Ryan and his girl Jen ended up paired with different people. Allison, unaware of the secret couple, flirts openly with Ryan making Jen jealous and putting Ryan in the awkward position of having to rebuff her advances. Jen talks to him secretly about how difficult it is to sleep next to sexy Parker and how much she misses Ryan. They even steal a kiss in the bedroom. My heretofore dormant soft romantic heart can't stand the tragic, tragic sight of these two star crossed lovers so cruelly torn apart by the evil Big Brother psych evaluation and I wipe a fat tear from my eye as I watch them smooching. Sniff, sniff. These people are already giving me a headache and we're just two episodes into the season.
Meanwhile, another soulmate couple, Alex and Amanda, are happier about their pairing. Alex would like to find love in the BB house and baby voiced Amanda thinks Alex is cute. I hope I can stomach all the butt grabbing and baby talk that is sure to follow in the next weeks. Unless of course they get evicted before I go into sugar shock.
He said that she said that you said that I said that if I said this then he'll say that you said that. Or whatever.
Jacob, who talks as if his brain is perpetually two steps behind his tongue and his mouth is full of marbles, thinks himself a pot stirrer. Talking to Ryan and Adam in the backyard, he accuses Parker of only being there for the money and being a snake and backstabber. Ooh! That's so evil of him. How dare he be there only for the money? Ryan and Adam nod sagely although Ryan confesses that he only agreed with Jacob so he wouldn't be a target. On the warpath against Parker now, for no apparent reason, Jacob smartly tells Jen, that her partner is gutless, heartless and a snake. Jen runs into the house and spills the beans to Joshua and Parker in the bathroom about this vile verbal atrocity. Incensed by these accusations, Parker walks outside to defend his honor. Are you following so far? He confronts mealy mouthed Jacob, who needs a good smack for being both stupid and mealy mouthed and for forcing me to stare at his smarmy mug while I'm writing this. Wanting to know who started the rumors about him, Parker earnestly vows to rouse the whole house and force a confrontation. No waiting around and whispering behind living room sofas for this bunch.
Man of action, Parker is. He kicks everyone out of their beds and herds them into the living room for a Big Brother style caucus. His platform is the war against gossip, the obliteration of talking behind somebody else's back as strategy, and generally world peace. Parker calls for the originator of the snake rumor to step forward and lay their head on the chopping block. When nobody bites, Jen and Parker urge Jacob to call out the person whom he overheard using the word snake about Parker. Still with me? Jacob refuses to comply because his two braincells haven't caught up to his mouth yet. Sharon realizes that she's now becoming a target as well. She's one smart cookie, that Sharon!
Up in the HoH room, the Power Couple considers this new development while Sharon berates Jacob in their bed, saying that she's afraid Jacob's busted pot-stirring might backfire for both on them.
Would you trust this?
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we first practice to deceive!
In an effort to patch the gaping hole that Jacob just punched into their joint security, Sharon has a private talk with Parker. She tells him that she promised not to say who the snake commenter was but after a lot of hemming and hawing she leads Parker to believe it was Ryan. She makes him promise not to tell. Gullible Parker now wants Ryan to fess up about calling him a snake. Hey! I'm glad to see that most of these people are dumber than a pile of bricks. Makes this recapping thing so much easier, I'm telling you.
Things continue the next morning while the hamsters are sunning themselves in the backyard. Dramatic music plays as Parker and Jen compare notes about Sharon's, er, revelation about Ryan. Unable to hang on to her big bad secret in light of this new development, Jen tells Parker about her 9 month relationship with Ryan but assures him that she is there to win the game and this little, insignificant detail will not keep her from competing. Till death do them part, and all that. They both agree that they have the game in the bag.
Ryan walks up to them and he's quickly told that the secret is out but will stay between them. Hamster Ryan is privately outraged that Hamster Jen spilled her guts so early in the game, but that doesn't stop him from immediately running over to Hamster Allison to feed her this latest not so on dit. All in the name of fairness, of course. Because Big Brother is all about fairness. Hamster Allison is a bit taken aback by all this honesty and gasps audibly. She is concerned both because she thinks that all their strategizing will go back to Jen and because she felt that he was “so cool” with her. I can only assume she means this literally. In the DR she confesses that Ryan would be better off with her because she is not so jealous, catty or conceited as Jen, whom she doesn't trust. They're in fact all shown saying that they don't trust each other. I trust we'll all slowly be tearing our hair out by the time this season ends. In clumps. While staring at the wall chanting and swaying back and forth. In a padded room.
I'm so much better than she is!
Thinning the herd
As a new day dawns in the Big Brother house, Sheila starts out complaining about Adam who aside from being creepy and repulsive also had the effrontery to snore keeping Sheila up all night. Jen thinks Sheila needs an attitude adjustment or she'll be gone. There is no time, however, to dwell on the minutiae as the living room screen is now displaying a message saying there will be an eviction today. Our hamsters scurry excitedly and Jen coos that the message made them all very scared and suddenly it all felt real. She and Parker brokenly confess that “it sucks” to make a big decision but they will rally and do what it takes. As the hamsters assemble on the big circular puke colored sofa, Jen tearfully launches into a speech about situations, partners and such before finally evicting Jacob and Sharon. Hugs and I-love-yous go all around as the barely few days old hamster family banishes their first two members. They quickly walk out the door. Sheila cries because she's happy and Adam makes creepy googly eyes at the camera because he just can't help himself. I squeeze out another tear because I realize there are still 15 minutes left in the show.
Now that the hamster cage just became a bit roomier, it's time to find out who will be the next HoH couple. The house guests are let out into the backyard which is outfitted to look like a dock with 7 boats floating on water. Since Jen and Parker were not technically HoH before, rather just a Power Couple, they will be competing with everyone else in the HoH competition called Tunnel of Love. This season of Big Brother being ostensibly the Season of Love, who better to host this first HoH competition than last season's sweet lovebirds Eric and Jessica, who are still together. Yay! Rat Man and his woman are still a couple! Who knew? The competition will focus on six questions which will be asked separately of the partners. The goal is for their answers to match. Each question will be worth a certain amount of hearts and whoever has more hearts at the end of the competition will become the new HoH.
Out-of-season hamster love
All of the girls and Neil go inside, while the guys remain sitting in their boats. The first question asks them to describe their first impression of their partner using a road sign. Everyone has matching picks except Sheila and Adam. The second question is about their turn-offs. The choices range from unibrow, bad teeth, spare tire to hairy legs. Matt and Natalie and Chelsia and James get it right. In the third question worth 3 hearts about their ultimate fantasy the choices are: naughty nurse, innocent cheerleader, flexible gymnast or strict dominator. Amanda and Alex, Allison and Ryan and Natalie and Matt get it right. Natalie and Matt are in the lead.
The fourth question is which body part they would change if they could: their face, chest, butt or thighs. Chelsia and James, Sheila and Adam, Neil and Joshua make the right picks. In the fifth question, the girls have a choice between pool boy, pizza guy, cable guy or gardener for a lonely afternoon's entertainment. All the couples get it right picking the pool boy except Chelsia and James. The final deciding question is decided between the three leading couples of Alex and Amanda, Ryan and Allison and Matt and Natalie. The question is for the girls and it asks them which celebrity type would describe their personality: bitchy underwear model, narcissistic athlete, rebellious rocker or pretentious royalty. Amanda and Alex are the only ones to get it right with narcissistic athlete. They thus become the first HoH couple of Big Brother 9.
Faced with this new power ensemble, Allison is feeling insecure about her position and eager to level the playing field. She considers spilling about Ryan and Jen's relationship. What will she do now? Tune in Sunday night to find out, or better yet read all about it from our own AshleyPSU.
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