Hello, hamster watchers! Your regularly scheduled recapper roseskid is off in search of some much-deserved rest and relaxation, and I’m her replacement. (Also, our letter for the day is “R”.) I don’t mind telling you that I’m a BB novice, so I haven’t seen much of this season’s shenanigans, but I promise you, I am not going to throw you under the bus with this recap. I give you my word. Really, I totally swear on the lives of all three of my Chia Pets. Now. Do you trust me? Good.
Previously on our little show: Nick got backdoored out the front door, AmEric tried to cover his Kail-voting behind, and Dick put on a Teflon coat or developed some sort of invisible shield before dumping tea on Jen’s head. We left them all hanging bat-like on some phony stalactites in the HOH competition, and wouldn’t you know, that’s right where we pick up!
A Banner Week
Kail is holding on to her pendulum for dear life, as she says she knows she has to win every competition to stay in the house. Dustin points out that the odds are 2:1 for an LNC win, so Kail should probably send her hopes for not being nominated off to sleepaway camp for the rest of the summer. Jessica, who incidentally has a voice that could cut a path through rush hour traffic, my goodness, lets us know just how torturous this exercise is, in case we can’t get it from the sight of them all doubled over upside-down on huge bars. Nice of her. Slippery white stuff falls from the sky, and that classy Julie Chen reveals that the “bats just had dinner.” Nice of her. Amber’s the first to fall, but she must’ve used her Johnson’s shampoo this morning, because there are no tears. Eric’s out on some technicality, and is consequently disgusting to himself. If only you knew how many people are willing to share the feeling, Eric. Jameka’s out right after him, and those three losers then sit on the sidelines with Dustin and say vaguely inspirational things to the others while whisper-gossiping about Nick and Daniele. Suddenly, up in the clear, blue sky … there’s a plane. Not remarkable in and of itself, no, but the plane is carrying a banner, which says “We *heart* Nick, Amber and Eric are liars, LNC is the Nerd Herd.” Harsh.
This, of course, makes Amber cry, again, and at this point she’s making me sad for her so I just can’t stop myself from saying how much she reminds me of this guy, in order to make myself laugh. Seriously, Amber. I know crying gets the sad out of you, but even Rosey Grier had a limit. The banner also freaks Eric out, because he’s America’s Player, consarnit! He shouldn’t have to put up with all this playing the game foolishness. His vote-switching strategy may not work out like he planned. Daniele notices the banner from her perch, and you can almost see the wheels spinning in her head. *dun dun dunnnn*
You Can’t Win ‘Em All … If You Keep Quitting
Meanwhile, the hamsters are dropping like bats, which is to say they aren’t dropping much at all. Zach sticks it out for half an hour, Dick lasts 44 minutes, but the remaining girls are in for the long haul. Jessica gets a leg cramp after an hour and falls, and then Dick takes it upon himself to torture Kail and Jen until they give his daughter the win. Boy. He would’ve been awesome to have around in those tee ball games. You know, if he had been around. He talks smack about Jen’s eyes for some reason, and then calls Kail a terrible Christian. God’ll get you for that. Dick.
Jameka continues to throw support to everyone, and more crap falls as Jen says she kind of wants to fall, so she can see pictures of Daniele’s boyfriend. You know, the one who’s not Nick. Daniele eventually tells Jen to shut up, and she says “Okay!” If only it were that easy. Jen then goes after Dick, who apparently told her all the dish, which prompts Eric to speak up and re-urge Jen to shut it. She does, and then she falls. Next Kail and Daniele get into some intense negotiation for the win, and Daniele promises that Kail won’t go home if she gives Daniele the HOH. What she doesn’t promise is that Kail won’t be nominated. Kail must have an excess of blood flowing in her brain right now, because that’s the only reason I can see for her jumping off the pendulum. Dick’s in the diary room all proud, as if he had something to do with it. Such a tool. By the way, how has he not been pimp-slapped yet? Does that get you kicked out? Gah, how I would fail as a contestant on this show. Kail’s crying, which … yeah, she probably should be. She declares herself a permanent “On the Block” person and gets a long hug from Eric for no real reason. Jen knows she’s going to be nominated, but she doesn’t care, because she figures that it’s been the replacement nominee who ends up getting the boot so far. Yeah, because things never change, am I right?
So, Daniele’s the new HOH and she says she wants to spice things up and make people nervous. I’m thinking she’s gonna import some Sriracha? But no, she just goes off into a corner and cries about Nick going home and her not being the person who voted to keep him when there were enough votes. She’s now on the hunt for the “little weasel” that eliminated her boyfriend. The one who’s not her boyfriend. She asks Amber if she voted to keep Nick, and Amber gets a little misty as she vehemently denies that. In other news, Jameka chews like a rabbit. She, Eric, Dustin, and Amber have a little chat in which Amber repeatedly denies voting for Nick and Eric says dumb, obvious stuff like “You know how much I wanted him to leave. Do you think I did it?” Way to not be a suspect, you dink. I would never go on a murder mystery weekend with that guy.
Dick comes to the rest of the LNC and says that Daniele thinks she’s been set up, and everyone looks disheartened. Eric, that proud graduate of Bovine University, keeps looking around with shifty eyes and saying he wanted her to do well. I can’t see how anyone believes him.
The Plot Thickens
But enough of that nasty suspicion! It’s time get a look at Daniele’s HOH room. Aside from the plush lime carpeting and dirty yellow sofa, this luxurious suite features tons of pictures featuring Chris, a.k.a. the one who’s not Nick. Dustin thinks he’s cute. Jen has a huge cat-that-ate-the-canary style grin on her face, because she knows that we now know that Chris knows what a huge manipulative cheater Daniele is. Dick manages to make this about him, tearing up at a snapshot of his mother with a teeny tiny(er) toddler Daniele. Yeah, Dick? It’s kind of hard for me to care. Give me a glass of tea and I might try, though. Dick offers to stay with Daniele, but she passes. He then tries a more affectionate tack, giving her a hug and saying how proud he is of her. She stares at him with these creepy dead eyes and then says she doesn’t have a lot of friends in the house. Then all of a sudden they start talking about Eric voting for Nick, as verified by the mysterious banner that anyone in the world could’ve sent. However, Daniele now knows that they did the wrong thing, and Dick has much to mull over in his crag of a twisted mind.
He immediately finds Eric, who asks what Daniele thinks about how the votes went, but Dick is noncommittal and instead gets Eric blabbing on about how it could’ve been Jen, because why not? But Eric’s stunts from the past two weeks are catching up with him, and the trust is starting to crumble. The seeds of doubt are strong with Dick, as evidenced by the “hard rock” chords that play as he abruptly gets up from the table and walks away from Eric to go vent about how he knew Eric was lying. Yeah, except for all the time that he didn’t know. Ooh, the intrigue, she is building.
I Have A Cunning Plan
Daniele and Dick drag Jessica into the HOH room and spill everything about Eric being a two-faced liar whose mother smells of elderberries, and Jess is all like, “No way!” And D&D are like “Total way.” Approximately. They feel that Eric is in some kind of double alliance with Kail and Jen, and Jessica’s eyes bug out as if to say, “Oh, I’m not having that!” In the diary room, Jessica says that Eric is her friend, so she’s confused about everything that Daniele and Dick laid on her, but she agrees to try for the veto and help D&D’s plan to send Eric packing anyway.
She then makes this whole evening delightful by going directly to Eric and asking him if he voted to save Nick. Eric must’ve asked forgiveness or something because he finally lies and says he voted against Nick. Jessica giggles and breathes a sigh of relief, and informs Eric that Daniele and Dick think he switched his vote last week to make Nick look bad. I thought the mohawk and porn ‘stache did that well enough, but whatever. She then mentions the supposed Kail alliance, and says that if either of them wins the veto, Eric will be on the block. Eric looks concerned as the strings of doom play him into the diary room. He’s full of vitriol against D&D, and promises that they, and not he, are the ones who are in fact going down. I’m so sure.
It so happens that the America’s Choice thingy this week is about Eric making a promise to take someone to the final two with him. I gotta be honest; I’m not seeing it.
Girl Talk and Boy Bickering
Jen makes her way to Daniele’s room, most likely planning to have a hair-braiding session and make crank phone calls, but Daniele’s got some serious sourface going on, so Jen decides they should gab about how cool it’d feel being nominated three weeks in a row. She offers up a wish that they can work out their differences and get down to the hair-braiding, but Daniele feels she didn’t have any differences with Jen in the first place. Jen agrees and says she doesn’t know Daniele at all. Daniele replies that for someone who doesn’t know her at all, Jen sure has been hateful towards her. Jen denies this. Jen, you ignorant slut, don’t you know the person with the power is always right? If you’re going to grovel, do it right for crying out loud. She regroups and says she doesn’t want to leave the house with this negative relationship. Daniele is bored and wants her monkey to dance, so she asks Jen who she voted to keep this week. Jen voted to keep Kail, and Daniele has the final piece for her puzzle.
Meanwhile, Eric gets his next assignment, which is once again to get Jen nominated. This makes Eric very happy, of course, because he doesn’t have to lift a finger. It’s the American Dream. Sometime later, he’s out on the patio having an intense conversation with Dick about everyone being paranoid, and again tries to convince Dick that Nick and Jen cast the past two weeks’ wayward votes. Dick’s not buying it. Dick then pulls a classic turn-the-tables move by elevating his volume as he casts suspicion at Eric. Someone’s been studying his Dragnet DVDs. They grab Dustin and Jameka’s attention, Dick throws some pillows and then proceeds to lay out the flaws in Eric’s logic with some cursing and whatnot, because he’s Dick. Also, his shirt says “I’m mean because you’re stupid.” Ha. Eric continues to say that no one knows for sure there’s a leak or a rat, and they all should just chill and see what happens. For some reason, this does not satisfy Dick.
And the Nominees Are…
It’s nomination time, and everyone takes places at the table as Daniele brings out the box and yammers on about making people happy. Can we get to the keys please? We can? Cool. Dustin gets his, followed by Eric, Jameka, Amber, Dick, Jessica, and Zach, leaving you guessed it, Jen and Kail as this week’s nominees. Daniele says some piffle about nominating Kail because she’s a great competitor and why not, and tells Jen that she doesn’t like her gameplay. Kail once again laments her position as pawn, but seems resigned. And Jen brushes it off like so much dirt on her shoulders, because she’s just here to have fun anyway, and it doesn’t matter if nine roommates and millions of viewers hate her, wheeee!
In the diary room, Daniele confesses that these nominations are meant to be broken, and promises us that jaws will drop when her plans come to fruition. Be sure to have your chinstraps ready, and set to “total shock,” because come veto time, there’s gonna be a shake-up, and the wonderful Yardgnome is bringing you the specifics.