Another week, another eviction. Such is life in the Big Brother house where nobody is safe, except the backyard topiaries, and even that's relative with Dick in the house. But that's for later, we've got a bit of stuff to talk about till then. The show kicks off with a less than exciting rehash of last week's somewhat explosive goings on: Dustin won HoH then nominated Jen and Kail because he's so awesomely original. Jameka, ordained by her god to play for Jen, won the veto and carried out the good lord's wishes thereby saving Jen from the block. Everybody say “Oh, man!”. Greedy head hamster, Dustin, then nominated Nick who had nothing to do with anything except, I guess, he looked too good in those manly T-shirts of his. Then they all started talking, and things got a bit murky...
Zeus says: “Go forth, my child, and win the veto!” (And tell them that I commanded you to do so!)
Julie Chen, wearing a cream colored summer dress that only Sandra Dee could've envied, with her hair at a more reasonable 6.5 on the Hair Poofiness Scale (it was a 7 last week, in case you care), offers up more nuked leftovers by rehashing how
holy rollerdivinely inspired Jameka took Jen off the block, thus wreaking havoc in the house * cue dramatic music and B&W footage of the Veto Ceremony *. In the DR, Nick speculates that Dustin probably sees him as a threat down the road, while Kail with her usual astute insight proclaims herself worried because Dustin didn't put up Zach as promised. Dustin claims Nick's nomination was a “house decision” and they just wanted to backdoor him. Amber's input, as usual, consists of loud, pointless wailing.
Nick says: “Expect the unexpected” (Because if you were expecting it, it wouldn't be unexpected.)
After the Veto Ceremony, Kail rushes up to the HoH for an audience with Dustin and to buy a clue. He reveals that Amber was in agreement with Nick's nomination because she needed to sever her teary ties to him and focus on her game. What game would that be, you ask? Why it's the Strategic Bawling Game! - ever so popular with nitwits and emotional basket cases the world over. Talk goes on about how Nick is plugged into the whole Dick-Dani-Nick triangle which needs to be broken up, and clueless Kail is let in on the fact that Dustin has more than four people in his corner, ready to do his bidding. They agree that Nick is a threat. Don't you just love it when the hamsters talk themselves into stuff?
Meanwhile downstairs, Nick confronts Dani and finds out she knew about his nomination but didn't tell him ahead of time. Dani can't deny it, so Nick heads out to the backyard to confer with Dick and Eric. Nick knows he's being backdoored and just wants to know whether his nomination was a house-wide consensus that everyone knew about. America's Tool babbles something, Dick smokes some more and affirms that he wanted the nominations to stand, thereby avoiding the question. Zach walks out just as Nick mentions his name as having been Dustin's target from the get go, then slinks back inside, somewhat offended, once Nick tells him to give them a moment.
Amber wails: “I love you Nick (you have such a muscular thigh)! I didn't see that coming ('cause my eyes are crossed and I'm usually crying anyways)!”
Nick's trek through the house continues and he seeks out Amber in one of the bedrooms. Is Nick as masochist? I don't know but I think you'd have to be to allow Amber the human tear machine to latch onto your thigh and cry uncontrollably so you'd end up comforting her while you've just been marked for eviction. To Nick she claims that she “didn't see it coming” and BB helpfully interjects some footage showing Amber not only knowing about Nick's fate but as being the one who first suggested putting him up.
The backyard stag topiary says: “What a bunch of idiots. How the hell did I get this lousy gig?”
As the sun sets over the Big Brother house and the ever watchful eye of the camera sweeps the backyard with a critical glance, the lonely stag topiary stares back at us with it's lovely moss eyes and weeping inwardly, silently begs us to do something, anything, to rescue it from the claws of these ruthless, self-involved, worthless fame hungry miscreants. Alas, the camera moves it's cold, unblinking eye, and the stag is abandoned in favor of juicier happenings, the brief but poignant moment of true despair providing such a sharp contrast to all the manufactured, insincere drama going on inside the house. * insert dramatic sigh *
Dani says: “I really, really, really tried!” (Not nearly, like, hard enough, but so, like, whatever.)
Nick's next stop is in the bathroom where he and Dani engage in round #2 of the I-knew-about-it-but-I-didn't-tell-you-and-I'm-now-hard-pressed-to-come-up-with-a-reason-why-I-didn't conversation. She claims she didn't know how to tell him, then has the nerve to say that he always needs to be honest with her. She demands he swear that the second vote to evict Kail didn't come from him. He does and she wonders who it was because everybody thought it was Nick. Dani wants to now help him but all Nick wants to talk about is how his feelings for Dani are true. Strategic player, isn't he? Our loverboy is hurt and walks away leaving Dani to contemplate her betrayal, somewhat symbolically not far from the toilet stall...
Dustin says: “It wasn't an easy decision.” (Amber was crying, what else was I supposed to do to shut her up?
It seems to me that Nick hasn't visited this many parts of the house all at once since he's been on the show and his journey continues when he gravitates towards the big bed room again, this time to talk to Dustin, who is sitting with the still weepy Amber. Nick says Dustin knew that he was going to nominate Nick and should have just told him like a man and been honest. Dustin puts forth a feeble excuse that it wasn't an easy decision but mostly he just says “uhmm” and “mmmm”. Now where have we heard that before? Hmm? Nick makes another dignified exit, presumably in pursuit of his next victim.
Dick says: “You're a bitch!” (And boy do I enjoy saying that over, and over, and over, and over again!)
Somewhere else in the house, Dick is ready to launch into what seems to be his favorite pastime, berating Jen for something. Again. He brings up the veto competition and accuses her of being a bitch, of taking advantage of Jameka, of being a user and calls her a scumbag. Jen says she'd never describe herself in such words. That reply was so idiotic I was sorely tempted to make up some good comeback and pretend she said it but I guess I need to be somewhat factual, even when the houseguests display little common sense. That's Jen for you, in all her dumb glory! She says something about negative energy and how that's going to turn back and bite Dick and Dick just keeps calling her names.
It's the grown-up, slightly braindead, hugely boring – or entertaining, depending on your tolerance level - version of a sandbox spat between the cruel three year old bully and his stubborn pig-tailed nemesis, only without the whole running-to-mommy-to-complain part and with more swearing. Lest we think Jen is somehow bothered by being called nasty names and yelled at daily, she just smirks at the camera like the cat who ate the canary, as soon as Dick leaves the room. And with that, people, the circus has left town. For now.
Jen moves on to the bathroom to stab at Dani and tell her she's sorry she has to put up with such a father. Kail comes by to testify that the latest skirmish in the Dick-Jen war was the worst to date. Dani just stares straight ahead, her eyes shooting daggers, but says nothing.
Meanwhile, up in the HoH bathroom Nick is busy shaving his hair down to a mohawk. Dick comes in to offer him a bone, saying he shouldn't discount Dani's feelings toward him. Nick, not quite ready to let go of his hurt yet, says that Dani knew of his fate but said nothing. Dick slithers away.
Dani says: “I'm so sick of the way you treat me!” (Nick is my bestest friend, neener, neener, neener!)
Jen says: “I've got morals!” (I know it's illegal, but I snorkeled in Hawaii and couldn't resist bringing home some. I thought they were going to stay red! Waaa!)
Downstairs, storm clouds are gathering and Dani is on the warpath. She calls Jen out loudly in front of others, for the way Jen treats her, being so rude to her and always making nasty comments when Jen knows nothing about Dani at all. Jen tries to counter, saying Dani didn't want to be best friends forever with her and that she herself has morals. Jen doesn't condone cheating. Geezus! What is she doing in this game then? Dani says Jen has lots of problems because Nick is Dani's best friend in the house and not Jen's. This sandbox is getting mighty crowded with all these kiddies throwing sand!
Dick, tired of a tirade he didn't initiate, attempts to douse the discussion pouring a glass of ice tea over Jen's big, empty head. Jen's reaction? She waits until Dani walks away then calls her a 12 year old, enraging Nick who tells her to shut the $%^& up and not say anything behind Dani's back.
The producers say: “Give us your reasons why you want to keep Kail? (We pretty much can't think of any.)
In the DR, the hamsters weigh in on the merits of keeping Kail or Nick for another week. Dani says Kail's a mess, Dick wants Kail to go but for his daughter's sake he also wants Nick to go. Jen sees no reason to keep Nick. Amber bawls again and thinks Nick should go because she's too dependent on him, can't focus on the game and maybe she'd be able to control her emotions and stop crying if he left. I'm thinking maybe Amber should leave and then I wouldn't need to fast forward every time she's on screen. I'm just sayin'.
America's Jealous Tool says: “There's only room for one Casanova here in the BB house!” (Never mind that Casanova died lonely, despised, bitter and without the love of a woman.)
In the workout room Nick tells Amber that he thinks he won't campaign because he thinks he has some people's trust, and/or votes. In a voiceover, America's Wuss begs to differ, saying he will dethrone the 6'5'' pro athlete and assume his place as the dominant male in the BB zoo. Eric intends to get rid of Nick and win it all for himself. In an attempt to fool the other chimpanzees Eric goes so far as to ape Nick's mohawk, however he's apparently too much of a chicken to go all the way and gets a slightly lopsided faux-hawk instead. It looks about as pathetic as it sounds.
Newly faux-hawked, our Inside Idiot goes to the DR to get his marching orders from America which direct him to evict Kail. Hee! Thoroughly frustrated that his brilliant game play is being discounted, America's Idiot wows to try hard to carry out our wishes. And by hard he means a little speech to Jessica in the HoH bed under the covers, which consists of him saying Kail is bad, very, very bad, and she should go. Jessica agrees that Kail is awful. America, do you see Eric's superhuman efforts on your behalf? No? Didn't think so.
Dustin, Amber, Dani, Jessica, Dick and Eric are gathered in the HoH room and it's time for Eric's group effort. Not very convincingly he opens up a discussion about why Kail should go. Time stands still for a second, Dustin stares into space and proclaims that they all hate Kail. Dick does not want her to get a free pass. Dust bunnies gather under the bed and with that Eric's valiant efforts on our behalf are at an end. He has done his absolute, most feeble best.
Privately Dick and Dani contemplate keeping Nick. Maybe. Nothing is ever 100% with these people. Dani wants to keep him, Dick wants to dump him, and they're back to square one.
Julie says: “What do you think of Nick's new do?” (His hair is taller than mine today. Darn, was that in the script?.)
On to more important business. Julie is here again to earn her paycheck. Chatting up the hamsters, she wants to know what they all think of Nick's mohawk. Amber loves it because Nick is good looking anyway. Eric is quick to say his haircut is not an homage to Nick and calls it a “shark's fin” do. That's so much more dignified than “pathetic copycat”. Jen is not bothered by the water incident and Dick won't apologize for it. Julie asks Jameka why she thinks god wanted her in the house and Jameka modestly answers that god must have wanted her to win. Ah, isn't it nice to know that Jameka has her own personal Jesus! Or maybe she just listened to a bit too much Depeche Mode sometime: ”I will deliver / You know I'm a forgiver / Reach out and touch faith / Your own personal Jesus / Reach out and touch faith”.
In the DR Zach calls Nick his biggest ally in the house. Jessica would love to kick Kail out. Jameka knows that getting Nick out would leave Zach without any friends, but she's really like to keep Kail because Kail so excellent at drying and putting away the dishes. Man, is that not the most ringing endorsement you've ever heard?
It's time for Dustin's interview with Julie and she asks him about his greed during the Veto Competition, taking the five grand and the trip to Barbados. Dustin is unapologetic, saying that he'll happily take his trip with “[his] girlfriend” and spend his money, after the show. They talk about Dick's intimidation tactics, with which Dustin doesn't always agree. However, Dicks behavior helped Dustin's house mates gloss over his winnings from the Veto Competition and made them forget. Let's talk about that again next week Dustin when you're not HoH, shall we?
The hamsters say: “Hit the road Jack, don't you come back no more, no more.” (If America votes you back in we'll just do what they did to Kaysar).
Kail is ready to give another syrupy speech about the amazing friendships she's formed in the house and how grateful she is for them. Blah, blah, blah. It's all in my recap from last Thursday. Nick knows the votes are set in stone and “it is what it is” so his speech focuses on his feelings for Daniele. He appreciates their time together and all the fun they had, even though meeting her has sidetracked him in the house. He is smitten with her and says she's “the bees knees”.
In the live vote, Jen evicts Nick, Zach evicts Kail, Jameka gets rid of Nick. Eric tells us he worked hard to get Kail out, but didn't succeed however he urges America to vote for Kail or Jen again and he will personally guarantee that one of them actually leaves the house next week. Because we've only told him three times so far, it's taken this long, I guess, for the message to sink in. Jessica evicts Nick, Amber dumps Nick whom she loves, Dick evicts Nick. Daniele is the last to cast her vote and evicts Nick. Thus, by a vote of 6 to 2, Nick takes his mohawk and goes to meet Julie.
Amber starts crying again, all the hamsters hug and Nick is finally out of the house. Nick will let Daniele decide whether she wants to pursue a relationship and thinks Jen cast the second vote for Kail. A video message from Eric lets him in on the whole America's Tool thing, the good bye messages allow him to see Amber crying uncontrollably one last time, probably making him very, very glad that he just got evicted.
Big Brother says: “You want to know who will be the next HoH? Too bad, suckers! You'll just have to wait till Sunday to find out or you can go pay for the live feeds.” (Or you can go read about it here.)
The hamsters are herded out into the backyard where a big elaborate setup of hanging clocks with padded pendulums await them. Julie tells them this competition is called “Time's Up” and directs them to take their places, sitting on a pendulum and holding on tight. The pendulums are then raised, the clocks start and Julie says the last person hanging on to their pendulum will be the new Head of Household. They're told they must hang upside down on their pendulums like bats while BB helpfully provides a shower of white foam to make their upside down swinging just that more uncomfortable.
As the the show ends, hamsters are seen wiggling and tugging at their straps, trying to get comfortable and then....
Well, then nothing. Credits roll and you're going to have to wait till Sunday to find out what went down. Literally.
I say: “Come back next week!”
Raise your hand if you think Amber will finally shut up now that Nick is out of the house. What? Nobody?