It's been a lean week for residents of the hamster cage known as CBS's Big Brother Five, and not just food-wise. Little strategy took place after the veto ceremony, and without much else to do, the hamsters fell back on parlor games one might have seen in the innocent times of yesteryear - you know, before television turned our brains to cheese. For some houseguests, a rousing game of charades is a fun way to pass the time; for others, it's the mental challenge of besting a fellow hamster in chess. Still other hamsters found the self-explanatory game of Let's Compare Poop rather engrossing. Who knows? Maybe if I were locked in an artificial situation like these suckers I'd be calling the others over to the potty to check it out, too. I'd like to think I'd be swinging my nightstick with authority like the students in the Stanford prison experiment, putting the lockdown on the toilet games. And that's without winning HOH first.
What Not to Air
If you're watching the feeds, then popping in a few times a week to catch the show off of your dilapidated cathode ray tube complete with aluminum foil on the rabbit ear antennae like über-cool live feed recappers do, you might have noticed a few lapses on the part of CBS story editors. Fear not, fish tank watchers. It's all part of the greater plan for the good of the house. Big Brother knows best, and will bring us to victory in the war against Eurasia. Or was it Oceania? No matter, they'll tell me.
We never saw the real reason Marvin was ticked at Holly or Lori. Marvin, homespun homilies aside, didn't take kindly to being reported by Holly as having crossed the line into sexual harassment with his "grope the women" strategy. His beef with Lori is that she had a boyfriend, and that she wouldn't stop talking about said boyfriend in front of Marvin, which is a real buzz kill for a guy expecting to be fawned on as HOH, I'm told. Now me, I'm thinking Lori is a nice girl who loudly mentions her boyfriend so that over-amorous jerks will get the message without being rejected to their face, but I never considered it from the Playah's side. That would cut deep, my friends. Marvin is about one inch shallow in my estimation, so he can't be having that.
Also missing from the show is the Holly-Jase saga, which I find hilarious, because you just know they are going to be running for their TIVOs the minute they leave the house to see themselves blonding up the screen. What they fail to realize is that CBS enjoys a storyline with a little flirting, perhaps even a little more than flirting...with likeable houseguests. That would disqualify Jase, who is winning America's gall bladder with his egotistical diary confessions, and Holly, who is intolerable even in teensy-weensy cutsie-pie doses. I've got to hand it to the all-knowing Big Brother - ignorance is strength. Perhaps all-wise BB can flush my memories of Holly and Jase drama where they belong, down the Memory Hole.
And Then There Were Eleven - No, Twelve...Well, It Depends
With Lori hugged and loved down the hallway and shoved out door, the houseguests waste no time adjusting to the new situation. Karen's reaction of giddy relief overshadows any regret she might feel about Lori's execution, but to be fair, the flesh-and-blood embodiment of Big Brother known as Julie Chen (if that is her real name; from what I've seen it's not her real chin) pulled a nasty trick on Karen during the live show. I'm sure the Chenstress was just doing her job. The experiment must continue. *buzz*
As winner of the HOH, it's time for Drew to sit in Room 101 with the spotlight in his face. To me, Drew is a bit of a dark horsedude who has consistently backed down from getting his opinion past anyone inclined to interrupt him. We know he has knocked knuckles with the other guys, but beyond a little flirting with Diane, where does he stand?
The FORT screencappers have been at work on Drew, noting chest moles that seem to appear and disappear, and sideburns that look neat and short one day, then long and sloppy the next. It is entirely possible we have another switching twin who has just won HOH. But don't squirt cheese whiz on me if it turns out he's no doppleganger. I'm just a citizen like the rest of you.
Drew is one member of the alliance of horsedudes, even if he's the quiet, Bible-reading contingent of the evil quad-fectra. Which means he is filled with testosterone, and he's sick of looking like someone with no opinions of his own. Could it be...Drew is ready to grow a spine? Jase and Scott convene a meeting of the 'dudes, and although they throw in a few "it's your decision, man"'s once the gabbing starts they are all over Drew to put up their choices. Scott even declares "it's unanimous - Diane and A," even though Cowboy wants Marvin out and Drew hasn't suggested anyone yet. As dictionaries aren't allowed in the house, Scott will undoubtedly leave the BB experience carrying around this misunderstanding of unanimous. We get of hint of where Drew's head is when he ruminates that A is a good person and he likes her energy, but Jase and Scott are talkers, not listeners, and Drew must realize he's not going to change their minds.
Later, alone with Cowboy, some of the real Drew starts coming out. He really likes A, and has enjoyed doing Bible study with her. He is sick of looking like he can't make a decision by himself, and doesn't want to nominate Diane because it will make him look like a backstabber after everyone's made such a big deal about their obvious state of pheromone awareness. At the same time, he shows some paranoia about the effect of women on men's ability to think, which the whole house witnesses on a daily basis. Why does Jase put up with Holly, when no one but Scott can stand to be in her presence for more than five minutes? Cowboy and Drew both agree that Hollykins is coming between the other, jockier half of their alliance, despite the fact both parties are constantly claiming to have her under control. What Jase and Scott fail to realize is that in order to be mind controlled, the subject must first have a mind.
Drew hates Holly. He knows she's pitting Scott against Jase, threatening Drew's stability. He doesn't want to put up her screechy voice her tendency to blab anything and everything to the entire house. But where would Cowboy and Drew be if they upset their alliance by taking away their squeeze toy? Come on, Drew, I’m sweating bullets here; make me proud and connect the dots! Cowboy could have some pull with his sister, if he stops treating her like push-toy, and Drew has his own little fan club. When last seen, Drew was tinkering with gummi bears and Cheez-its to figure out his master plan. Personally, I’m not holding my breath for Drew to break free of his alliance. Once you’ve been a horsedude, it’s hard to shake the smell of horse droppings.
Adventures in Alphabet Soup
The week’s diet of tuna and sausage is wearing thin, so the hamsters are glad to be given a list of food to memorize late Thursday night. But how can Big Brother possibly turn a list of staples like beer and pizza into a wacky food competition? By making the houseguests dive into a bowl of alphabet soup, of course. Donning goggles and aqua shoes, because it’s Safety First in the Big Brother household, the houseguests prepare to harvest letters that will spell their favorite foods - as many as they can spell in ten minutes.
This is harder than you might think. Visualize a tomato-based alphabet soup instead of wimpy chicken broth, and you understand the problem. Especially since they used actual tomato soup, which we know because Marvin enjoyed licking it off himself afterwards. Despite the hair-raising suspense of Savage being unable to spell cheese - surely, one of the first vocabulary words in the reality TV contestant’s handbook - the houseguests are successful at earning beer, beef, steak, eggs, pizza, milk, apples, wine, cola, pork, chicken, lobster, and just barely, cheese. I’m left wondering what would happen if they hadn’t pluralized egg or apple; would Big Brother hold them to this technicality? Big Brother continues the safety theme by exhorting the houseguests to dry off before putting on their microphones, or before sitting on the furniture. You have to tell those hamsters everything or they just run amuck.
Nominations, Then Lamentations
It’s a good thing I wasn’t holding my breath, or I might have expelled it out with enough force to knock the ceramic kitties off of my monitor, sounding like this: “Whaaaaaa?” It wouldn’t have been the first time since the game started. Incredibly, Drew got the message I had encrypted at the gummi bear factory, and decided to buck the dictates of his dude alliance. This week’s nominees for eviction are Nakomis and Holly.
It’s a sensible choice that plays both sides to choose nominees that are floating without an alliance. In Nakomis’s case, the horsedudes don’t realize she’s part of the girl alliance so she’s not technically a floater, she just plays one on TV. But Holly is the true floater, who must look like a tight alliance with Scott and Jase to the rest of the house, but who is not quite a horsedude and certainly not one of the girls, no matter how much mascara she cakes on. Everybody’s doing the happy dance at Drew’s nominations because Holly can irritate paint right off the wall just by opening her mouth to talk about something innocuous, like cats. When she gets a bee in her bonnet, prepare yourself for some first-grade - no, toddler is more like it - tantrums.
Remember Jase’s happy dance at the HOH competition last night? He dances no more. Jase and Scott are not at all pleased with the turn of events, and Operation Break Down Drew begins. First it’s Holly, raging and whining and eventually calming down but still pinning Drew’s ears back in the HOH room for over an hour. By the time she is through with him, his pizza is cold, and Drew is finding his time as HOH is not as fun as it looks, even if you take into consideration that it doesn’t look that fun in the first place. After Jase, Scott and Cowboy lay into him in the privacy of the HOH room, Drew seems surprised that they are so angry with him. Broken down by Holly’s incessant screeching, Drew is repentant to the point of tears, and the new plan is to win the veto so Holly can be taken off the block. Drew is ordered to replace Holly with Marvin, and he humbly agrees.
Big Brother’s Booze Ration
As evening falls the hard-won alcohol is broken out, and tongues are loosened. Cowboy, who’s not even drinking, refers to “the four horsemen” in front of Holly, which she thinks is “cute,” but what isn’t cute to Holly? Oh, right - being nominated for eviction. Just wanted to relive that moment, folks. *popping gummi bear*
Somehow, even though Jase and Scott have bragged about their alcohol consumption outside of the house, after a glass of wine and half a beer they are drunk to the point of stupidity. Jase, who on one level knows he should be kissing up to the HOH, can’t stop making digs at Drew, and ends up looking like a belligerent ass. Scott picks an argument with Jase about who kissed a producer in what trailer during what audition, and most importantly, who did all that first. Silly me thought all the Big Brother minions wore drab gray and treated the hamsters equally, but apparently some hamsters are more equal than others.
Yet, even while drunk, the strategy clumsily continues as both Jase and Scott tell Cowboy what’s on their minds. Who knew they had such heartwarming thoughts about not reading the Bible much but loving God; how much they respect Cowboy for having a family; how they will make sure Cowboy is in the final two because he deserves the money. Scott, who would like us to think he’s overcome with emotion but who can only jerk his lips into the barest insincere smile, says that he wants Cowboy’s little stepson to have “everything he didn’t have.” Cowboy, stone cold sober, accepts the compliments, but he’s lost the glow of puppy-dog worship he used to have. Just let Cowboy and his stepson be, Savage. They’re doing fine without the powder blue bandanas.
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