I’m sure you’ve all seen movies or television shows that satirize speeches by having the speaker begin by saying “Webster’s dictionary defines *insert word here* as...”. It’s the very pinnacle of a poorly written discussion. Well, you guys, I’m doing it. I sure am.
Webster’s dictionary defines “masochist” as one who exhibits a willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences. As much as I enjoy writing these recaps for all of you (because another word that Webster’s surprisingly does NOT define is “gloryhound”), I think the fact that I volunteered to watch this show twice in three airings qualifies me as a masochist.
Have you ever looked back on a bad experience through rose-colored glasses? When I first went away to college, I hated it. I didn’t like the people in my dorm, I didn’t like being in what I felt was the backwoods of Western New York, I didn’t like my classes. In my defense, I was a philosophy major at the time, so I guess that last part is to be expected. But now, 12 years after the fact, I look back on it like it was the best time I’ve ever had. Why do we do that? And what the hell am I babbling on about, you ask yourselves. Just this: I always remember Big Brother fondly. I smile a little bit inside when I think of the Krista knife incident. I bubble over with glee when I think about Marcellas (which, granted, I don’t do very often, even though that guy ruled.) When I think about Dave and Amanda sleeping together - well, what could possibly be better than that? That’s right, nothing. So I guess that’s why I’m a little bit surprised that all of these people are just. So. Freaking. Irritating. Where do they find these jackasses? Yes, Belly, I know. But still – with all the applications they get, are these people really the most compelling choices? Makes me weep for the future.
And with that rousing endorsement, I’ll make with the recapping.
As per usual, the show begins with scenes from last week’s episode. If you want to relive those glorious memories, you’re going to have to get them from – to borrow a phrase - stellar superstar Bill’s wonderful recap, because with as many times as CBS recycled that footage, I don’t feel the need to do it again.
I’d Rather Be The Bishop
As the nomination ceremony draws to a close, Jennifer meets up with her Big Brother big brother, Michael, who she finds in the bathroom. His reaction to the ceremony is “that was nervous-ing.” Lest I be accused of disrespecting Okie colloquialisms, I’m going to let that one slide. Scott walks in and explains to Jennifer that she’s the pawn for the week, and has nothing to worry about. Unless she’s never seen the show before, I’d think this news would give her more to worry about, but okay. Jase walks out of the toilet room and pulls her close as if to reassure her. And he totally didn’t wash his hands first. Mighty unsanitary, that. Jennifer’s no fool, though, and in the DR admits that she knows nothing in the game is certain, and she’s going to watch her back.
As for the reasoning behind Mike’s nomination, Jase, in the spirit of jilted and overlooked small children around the world, explains that since Mike didn’t invite him to be part of any of his alliances, he needs to go. If he had a ball, he’d totally be taking it home right now. Mike does what he can to convince the other housemates that Jase and Scott are the biggest threats to all of them, but his words fall upon deaf ears. Or at least his words would fall on deaf ears, would anyone stay near him long enough to hear him talk. As it stands, he’s being treated like a leper, a pariah. Even Diane, who was close to Mike before the nomination, has to ignore him in an effort to avoid Jase’s ire. The sad part is that she isn’t even just being paranoid. In the diary room, Jase celebrates his awe-inspiring powers of manipulation by letting us know that he purposely put Diane’s key in last, making her sweat at the ceremony, and it’s because she’s friends with Mike. Also, Jase is a huge tool, and is wearing sunglasses, a headband and a camouflage cap. I was hoping that the sunglasses were covering two huge black eyes that he suffered in consecutive sucker punches, but sadly, no. He’s just that ridiculous.
Beyonce Wants Her Name Back
Because killer obliques are, I guess, helpful for winning this game, Adria leads the women in an abs workout. Not for nothing, but Adria has what looks to be the softest abs of all these chicks. I’ve seen her “fitness twin” pictures, and while she’s certainly pretty damn far from chubby, she’s not exactly blowing my mind with her six-pack. Whatever regimen she was working during the time her publicity photos were shot, she has clearly replaced with an all-cupcake, all-the-time mentality. Marvin has dubbed her “big bootylicious”. Marvin is also quickly going from charmingly lascivious to smarmy and creepy. Remind me never to die in Conway, South Carolina.
Back inside the house, Mike continues on his Scott/Jase tirade, this time directing it at Scott. Scott denies having an alliance with Jase, which I just don’t get. Mike rightly points out that it’s clear to anyone with a brain that the two of them are working together, but Scott continues to claim otherwise. There was a lot of back and forth between the two men, which I won’t repeat because it made my brain explode. This really isn’t great drama, people. A lot of talking, but nothing being said.
Plastics Make It Possible
After the merciful commercial break (why is David Spade doing Capital One ads? Surely he can’t have gone through the boatloads of cash he made from Joe Dirt already.), we come back to Holly. Oh Holly, you crazy, whacked out freak. Clip after clip of her talking about the most insane, trivial, ridiculous crap you could ever concoct in your worst drug-induced freakouts. First there’s the spider that ate its way through some guy’s ass, evidently. Then she expounds on the origins of tartar. And then she’s talking about her mannequin, Madame. Madame lives with Holly, in her house. Madame has a boyfriend, some guy mannequin that Holly “met”. His name is Carl. Carl doesn’t have hands. And if Holly wins, she’s going to buy hands for Carl, presumably so he can give Madame a proper groping. Hell if I know. What I do know, though, is that when I started to watch the tape of last night’s episode, I was a little bit hung over. I literally had to fast forward through every scene where she spoke, because there was just no way. Even now that the hangover has subsided, she still makes me want to jam some pointy skewers into my ear canals, and out through my eye sockets.
Juxtaposed with the handless Carl fiasco, we have Michael and Jennifer catching a stolen moment together. They agree that this is not the time to bond, because there’s a game that has to be played. Yeah, I don’t know. Games are great, being on t.v. is fun, half a million dollars is nice. This is a long-lost sibling, though. How often does that happen? Never. Not something I’d personally want to put on the back burner, but maybe my priorities are off-kilter. It just sucks that they’d let something as absurd as Jase and his nonsense dictate the way they begin their relationship. Just pull his headband down over his eyes or something. It’d take him a good four or five hours to figure out how to extricate himself from his newfound blinding prison, and there’s a lot of good conversation you can have during that time. Or better yet, hide his hair products. He’d be so busy tearing the house apart that he wouldn’t notice anything else. Maybe threaten to shave his head, leaving him nothing to wrap a bandana around. Hit that Achilles’ heel, and hit it hard.
Fun With Inflection
Although I could go on and on about the myriad ways I’d like to upset Jase, we have bigger issues with which we need to deal. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. The piece de resistance. The…okay, I’m overselling this. It’s the veto. The golden power of veto, that is. And – gasp! – there will be a twist this year. Ever notice how italics make things seem so exciting? Especially things that really aren’t? Yeah, so have I. This year the veto works as such: Instead of the entire house playing for the power of veto, only six people will compete for it each week; the HOH, each nominee, and one player of each original three’s choice. Um, I’m sorry, but how stupid. What happens when there are only 5 people left? Or even beyond that, how does that make it new and exciting when there are 7 or 8 people left? Oooooh, one person doesn’t get to play. I’m underwhelmed. Anyway, upon learning this exciting news, Mike tells Holly outright that he’s going to pick her to play in the veto competition, because he knows he can beat her. I’m all for condescending to this chick, but Mike’s kind of an ass. Holly, of course, giggles and sits there being pink. Mike presses her a little bit, saying, “Can you lose?”, to which Holly responds that she doesn’t even know what kind of competition it’s going to be. Hmm. Yeah, somehow I don’t see that being much of a limiting factor. Unless it’s a “buy hands for your mannequin’s boyfriend, you loony bitch” competition, smart money is on Holly losing.
Later, the four horsemen ponder Will’s sexuality, noting that there’s always one gay guy in the house. Scott applauds him for not being “too gay”. Wow. Nice one, Rogaine guy. Will ultimately breaks from his initial plan of attack (the sneaky boyfriend reference he talked about in the premiere), and just drops the news on Marvin and Michael, both of whom take it in stride. Overhearing this conversation is Mike, who decides to sit down and discuss it with Will. They get into the whole gay marriage issue, the push to amend the constitution, and the relative merits of civil unions. I’m not going to get political here, but I will say that Will handled the whole thing far better than I would have been able to. And I’ll also say that Mike was factually incorrect in some of what he said. But now I’m done, I swear. Oh, except for this: Will carried out an entire deeply personal ideological conversation wearing sunglasses and a Kangol. Corey Hart meets Thug Passion. Sweet. Even better than that, though, was the cross he wore on and off throughout the show. It was like a 1:1 scale model of the True Cross. Or at the very least, the hood ornament of the popemobile. For a gay man, his fashion choices are questionable.
You Gotta Get With My Friends
Later on, Diane and Adria (why doesn’t Karen get any facetime?) decide to turn this season into a battle of the sexes. They recruit Jennifer, and I can hear Spice Girl catchphrases ringing in the air. They smartly decide to let the boys pick each other off, and then, when a woman has the HOH, target Jase and Scott.
At the veto competition the next day, the guests gather round to hear Jase explain the game. Okay, I’ll explain it too, but there’s something that needs to be said first. The headbands are killing me. It was bad enough when it was just Jase and Scott. It was even kind of funny to note that Scott’s was so much bigger, because his hairline is receding at an alarming rate. But now Drew and Will have them on too. It’s like Zack from P-Ho exploded in there. Atrocious. And even worse, Jase, not content to simply look like a garden-variety idiot, has his pulled down to the bridge of his nose, with eyeholes cut out. Hey, wait a minute! Maybe Jennifer and Michael got their alone time together after all. Anyway, back to the game. Before they find out what the competition is, each participant has to pick another guest who they’d like to have compete. Jase predictably picks Scott, Mike, as promised, picks Holly, and Jennifer picks Drew. The house retires to the backyard, which is now adorned with a little island-studded lake, and drowning in flamingo lawn ornaments. Truly hideous stuff. The point of the game is to throw hula-hoops around the flamingos, which are broken up into four increasingly difficult zones. The closest flamingos are worth one point, the farthest are worth four. Each contestant has to pick a player to compete against, mano a mano. You get three tries to throw your hoops, and then the person you pick has to try to match or beat your score. If they match, you both stay in the game. If they beat you, however, they knock you out. Drew goes first, and challenges Mike. Bad move, as he is promptly knocked out of the game because Mike evidently kicks ass at throwing cheap plastic hoops around cheap plastic flamingos. Mike then challenges Jase, who ties him. They’re both still in the game. Scott and Holly go next, and they both sucked. They hooped nary a flamingo. At the beginning of round 2, Mike challenged Jase again. His luck didn’t hold out, because Jase hooped a zone 4 bird, and knocked Mike clear out of the competition. Sorry buddy. No POV for you. Scott’s up and challenges Jennifer. As Jenn goes to throw her hoops, she thinks she hears Scott tell her to miss. So, in keeping with her “I’m watching my back” strategy, she misses. Way to be, Jennifer. She gets no POV this week. Since that’s all that really matters, I’ll cut ahead to the end and tell you that Scott ends up staging a brilliant comeback from his poor round 1 showing, and wins the competition. Although to let Jase tell it, it was a gift from him to Scott. Egotistical prick.
After the competition, Diane stages a recruitment of Lori for team estrogen. So now it’s Diane, Adria, Jennifer and Lori. Again, I have to ask: where the hell is Karen? I mean, I can totally understand leaving Holly out of it, but Karen actually seems fairly cool. Meh, whatever. Diane decides to bring Will into the picture. He’s initially receptive, but she screws up in a big way by saying to him “we’ll keep you around as long as possible.” Will, not liking those odds, goes and rats out the alliance to the guys; specifically Drew. Drew then immediately tells Jase and Scott. Jase obviously has issues with this (“No alliances in this house, but mine!”), and they discuss taking Mike off the block and nominating Adria next. No, wait. They didn’t discuss it so much as they outright decided to do just that. That’s what makes the next bit so stupid, because when the meeting started, Scott immediately chose not to use the veto. Um, what? Why edit it like that? It’s not surprising or sneaky on the part of CBS, it’s just confusing. I didn’t feel like “Wow, they really got me good. Excellent drama!”, I just felt like “Oh. Well okay. How very stupid.” Which, really, is par for the course with this show.
So that’s all, folks. The nominations stood, and nothing changed. Except for Jennifer’s hair, which is now green. Come back next time when Stargazer will let you know what went down with the eliminations. Good times.
I can’t think of anything witty to say for this. Here, write me with your comments: email@example.com