Have you been secretly spending your precious free time trying to reconcile six furry hamsters with six remaining show times, fretting incessantly over the fact that there were just too many of them left in the game? I know I've been fretting over that since the first day. Never fear, Big Brother, that all-seeing mysterious entity that watches diligently over this game, has thought of a solution to this grave problem, even if you haven't. By the end of this recap, two hamsters would have scurried off to live in their new habitrail in the sequester house, and four will be left to fight it out to the bitter end; two blessed steps closer to becoming the last survivor of Hamster House, the one and only, the hamster of all hamsters, the furriest and hungriest of all. Not to mention that we'll all be two steps closer to being rid of all of them forever. Finally! I think $500K would be a pittance to pay for the pleasure of never having to recap another smooch between YesErica, I mean, Jessica and her furry little loverboy, but since I won't even be the one shelling out all that cash, I'm doubly happy.
I'm going to skip the weekly rewind because this is day 62 in the house and we've got a full week's worth of action to squeeze into one show, but most importantly, I just don't feel like regurgitating some of the revolting and revoltingly boring stuff that happened last week. Most of it was about as interesting as the mating habits of the two-toed sloth anyway, although, come to think of it, would we have noticed if a two-toed sloth suddenly replaced Eric – or any of them for that matter - say, last Tuesday morning? Probably not. No offense to any freakishly literate two-toed sloths that may be reading this. It's all B&W footage of the veto ceremony, punctuated by the usual ominous music that is a place holder for actual excitement. Whoever came up with this score, is a genius.
Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.
The two people on the block, Jameka and Jessica, ruminate on their misfortunes in the DR. Jameka won't be campaigning against Jessica, because: a) Jessica is her BFF in the game and it would just be unseemly, b) Jameka prayed, and Jesus told her there's no need to campaign or c) Jameka still can't play for HoH, so, duh!, who will vote her out anyway. If you guessed “a” you'd be correct, although, I imagine “b” and “c” would probably also be correct.
Jessica reminisces about both times that she's had a chance to boot one of the Donatos but she didn't. She hopes they will pay her back in kind, by keeping her in the game. I'm sure they'll pay her back with interest. Cut to Dick and Dani plotting her ouster in the round bedroom, predicting that Eric will be crying and will be no good in the upcoming HoH competition. Dani goes one step further and tells Dick that Jameka will also have to pay her pound of flesh for the privilege of staying in the game, by giving her “absolute word” and making a deal with them. Dick helpfully characterizes this as “making a deal with the Devil”. The plan is for Dick to tell Jameka that she's going to be kicked to the curb and to start packing, but ten minutes before the live show Dick will approach her again with an offer she won't be able to refuse.
He tells Jameka on the backyard patio and she's shaken up by the news of her imminent expulsion. Jameka tells Jessica that Dick asked her to keep this on the downlow, but thinks that's just code for “go blab to your block buddy” and she does just that, spilling the whole conversation to Jessica. Jessica and Eric immediately speculate about whether Dick wanted to test Jameka's trustworthiness or really just wanted to play telephone. Eric feels that if the Donatos really wanted either of them out, both Eric and Jess would be on the block. This reassures Jessica, and Eric is also confident that Dick and Daniele are going to keep their word.
Orders from above
America has voted and apparently we want Eric to boot Jameka. Hmm. I remember fully intending to vote for him to boot Jessica but instead I guess I made myself a cappuccino and watched a French art house film called “La Petite Jerusalem”. It's good, you should rent it. Anyways, I guess some of us were lax with our duties, and maybe none of you could find it in your hearts to cruelly punish our furry little loverodents. On the other hand this show is called Big Brother. Who knew America was so sentimental! Eric is mighty relieved because he says that if he, and by extension America, wants to make it to the final two, Eric needs Jessica fighting by his side. I didn't know they were joined at the hip!
Eric needs more reassurance about Jessica, and he approaches Dani in the backyard to ask her point blank whether Jessica is staying or going. Dani tells him with a straight face that he's good. She tells him to “chill out” and “no worries”.
Juliet BB Capulet
The hamsters are sitting pretty in the Living Room, and Julie is about to drop a bombshell. She informs them that it's time for “Big Brother Fast Forward”, a week's worth of Big Brother delicious goodness in one short hour. Two hamsters will be packed and shipped out by the end of the hour. Jump for joy, people! Imagine three entire shows completely skipped and finally one episode of Big Brother in which something worthwhile is actually going to be happening. While I'm howling with excitement, the hamsters seem taken aback. Eric can barely dredge up a nervous smile, while Jameka, her pie hole agape, just asks “why?”. Why? Because where sick and tired of you, that's why. Of course, that's not what Julie says. Julie says that they need to get down to the voting business.
Jameka gives a speech that's curiously lacking in any mention of deities, prayer and such, but emphasizes the trueness of her word and her belief in strategy first, talk second. Jessica delivers a tearful speech, saying that if it's her time to go she's happy with that and “may the best person win”.
Eric is the first in the DR and since his vote is for Jameka, Julie tells him that America will still be telling him what to do even during this live show. After the HoH competition, Julie will be asking a houseguest to lead the rest of them back into the house. This person is going to be the person Eric should try to get nominated. Next up to vote are Dick and Dani, and they both vote to boot Jessica.
By a vote of 2 to 1, Jessica is out of the game. The Donatos and Zach say “sorry” and quickly take off for the kitchen, leaving Jessica to tearfully hug Jameka and Eric. Eric whispers to her, saying he'll be playing for her from now on.
She is out of the house, and Eric declares that he is not surprised by her eviction but wants to know why when he approached Daniele, she didn't tell him Jessica was leaving. There was nothing he could have done to change votes, he just wanted two days with his lady love. Jameka weeps. Dick says it was a last minute decision.
In her interview with Julie, Jessica thinks her ouster may have been a last minute decision given the double eviction news, because she thinks they were afraid of her as a competitor. Julie asks her about Eric, and she says she loves Eric and her feelings for him are real. Her goodbye messages are all nice, keeping in mind that she'll be going to the jury. Eric is in tears, saying he will fight for her honor and that he loves her. Whew!
A quickie in the backyard
The hamsters head out to the backyard for the next HoH competition. Meanwhile viewers are told that they have the next commercial break to vote for whom they want Eric to get nominated. The competition is called “Before or After” and Dick, Eric and Dani will be playing. Jameka is still not eligible and Zach is outgoing HoH. They're standing on platforms that have three steps, where the upper step is labeled “Before” and the lower step is labeled “After”. Questions will be asked about events in the house this summer and the contestants have to decide which event came either before or after the other. The score goes back and forth, but in the end Dick wins on a question about Amber's speech at a veto ceremony. Dick is the new HoH.
Julie asks Daniele to lead everyone back into the house, cluing Eric in on who he should be targeting as per America's wishes. Good luck with that, loverboy! There's some quick whispering between Eric and Jameka that I can't make out, and it's already time for nominations. Eric cracks a quick joke about wanting to campaign for Dick to nominate Daniele, thus proving he will work hard to fulfill America's wishes even when he's got only 3.7 seconds to do so. I wonder whether everyone who spent 99 cents voting on their cellphones for this task, feels they were really getting their money's worth. Dick quickly nominates Jameka and Eric, saying it is all game.
With no time to waste, the veto competition is up next. I'm loving this new pace! They could have played an entire season of BB in about a week, with plenty of time left for eating and showering, and in Dick's case, smoking and spitting. Wouldn't we have all been infinitely happier if there were no time to discover that Jameka is a hypocrite, Amber is an anti-semite, Eric a weasel and Dani a whiny little princess? Think about it CBS!
The veto competition is entitled “Niagara Balls”. The houseguests are outfitted with goggles, helmets and elbow and knee pads, because 5000 colored rubber balls are set to rain down on them shortly. The goal is to place eight green rubber balls in their individual clear plastic tube, in order to win the Power of Veto. The start out standing on a giant veto symbol, and Julie informs us that 787lbs worth of rubber balls are hitting them. Jameka quickly puts 3 balls in her tube, and she is in the lead. Zach ties her quickly. Jameka gets up to 5 balls before Julie notices that one of her balls is blue, not green, therefore she is disqualified. Jameka keeps yelling she didn't put that ball in there, while Zach quickly racks up 8 balls and wins the Power of Veto.
Back in the Living Room, Jameka makes her second speech of the night saying that she's not ready to go home. Eric doesn't expect Zach to use the veto, but he asks for a fair chance to play the game nonetheless. He claims he has no friends on the jury and just wants to play a fair game. Zach would really want to use it, he says, but he won't since he “made an oath to [his] group”. Finally, Zach is part of a group and said group has more than one member. I can see why he wouldn't want to screw that up.
Romeo BB Montague
It's been only about three minutes since Jameka's latest speech, but here she is again, compelled to make another one, in order to save herself. She understands that being nominated
592this many times is not pleasant, but she's a woman of her word and she wants all of them to keep that in mind when they are voting. Eric wishes them to consider that he has been “good to [them]” in this game, his word has been good, he's had a chance to get rid of all of them before but chose not to, because he believed in them. The only thing he wants is just a fair chance to play. I'm touched.
Zach and Dani both evict Eric and send him after his girlfriend. Let's all say a big thank you to CBS that there are no cameras in the sequester house. Apropos the sequester house, why have we not seen any footage of Dustin furiously pacing around the house in his royal robes, Jen smiling vacuously into the camera and Amber having a talk with god? Maybe Dustin drowned Amber in the pool after she wouldn't shut up, while Jen just kept smiling and now they've all been arrested and have been sleeping in the slammer, that's why no footage from sequester. I can dream, can't I?
Eric claims he's not bitter and finds time for a last speech by the door wishing them good luck before joining Julie outside for his interview. The camera quickly cuts back to the bathroom where Dick is shown whispering to Dani about Jameka, saying he hopes she doesn't win HoH, but that they have her veto and her vote for this week. I guess Jameka is no longer on the market. She's been bought and paid for.
Julie wants to know about Eric's difficult moment. Eric claims he's not bitter or unhappy, adding that the people who evicted him would have been long gone had he not been America's Bitch for the entire game. He says we put a crimp in his style and made demands that didn't coincide with what he would have done, however, he tried to faithfully work on our behalf. He would have kept Dustin and Amber in the game and booted Dick and Daniele. It's a good thing we voted then, because I don't think the Nielsens count negative number ratings.
It seems his showmance with Jessica, wasn't a showmance at all, but real luurve. He says his relationship with Jessica was in no way part of his gameplay. She was his true partner and his only regret is that his role as America's Tool may have jeopardized Jessica's chances in the house. Surely he is right. He didn't tell her to campaign for herself this week, hence she didn't, hence she got evicted.
Julie, perhaps trying to alleviate his pain, informs Eric that he has earned $40,000 while fulfilling his obligations to America and that he's off to the sequester house where Jessica will be waiting for him.
Ladies and Gentlemen, our final four are Dick, Daniele, Zach and Jameka and in only 12 days – which can't be over soon enough – we will have a winner. On Sunday's show we will find out who the new HoH is and who will be nominated. Next Tuesday we're in for a live show, with a veto meeting, vote and a live eviction. By next Thursday we'll be down to three hamsters and somebody will get booted in the final eviction, leaving us with the two finalists and a bright light at the end of this grimy tunnel.
PM me with suggestions about how much alcohol I should drink to erase the memory of Big Brother 8 after it's all over. I need to stock up before the finale.