Being Bobby Brown 7/14: A-Camping We Will Go
Welcome back to the show that (seemingly) never ends. Last week we watched as the Brown clan lived it up in jolly old England, spending money like water and drinking alcohol like, uh, water. This week Bobby decides to treat the men folk in his family to a camping trip. He and his relatives head for the great outdoors, leaving civilization and Whitney behind. It’s time for some male bonding, Brown-style.
Conspicuous Consumption, Part Deux
Since Bobby has no camping equipment he must make a trip to a local sporting goods store. Bobby, with Tommy, Bobby Jr., Bobby’s nephew, and a few others (bodyguards? cousins?) in tow, spread out inside the store. “ No stealing.” Bobby intones: “No stealing, Bobby Jr.” It sounds like Bobby Jr.’s been practicing his five finger discount instead of the tunes from Schoolhouse Rock.
Bobby tells the waiting clerk that he’s never been camping before, so he will need to be completely outfitted. Bobby and Tommy quickly decide on a dome- like tent that will sleep ten. “You mean we’ll sleep on the floor?” Bobby asks his brother. Where did you think you’d be sleeping Bobby, Wilderness Hyatt Regency?
Next on the list are fishing poles and camouflage outfits. Then Bobby notices the armory on the wall.
“Are those real guns?” Bobby asks, looking at the wall festooned with what seems like hundreds of rifles and shotguns. He wants the “baddest” gun the store carries, so the clerk shows him an ominous looking handgun. The clerk tells Bobby he’ll need to see his driver’s license and fill out some paperwork. Uh oh, that may spell trouble. Bobby says, “I don’t have no felonies. Maybe a few misdemeanors.” Dissuaded from purchasing the real thing, Bobby wanders through the store picking up paint guns and air rifles. Bobby says he needs the guns to shoot birds, because they have to eat. I’d be worried for the birds but I have the feeling Bobby can’t hit the broadside of a barn.
Of course no camping trip would be complete with out a skateboard, children’s bicycle, deep fryer, an archery bow, blow-up life boat, hip waders and snow boards. “We’re going out for 24 hours, Bobby!” Tommy says, but Bobby doesn’t want to be stranded without something to do. The sky’s the limit for Whitney’s credit card; it wouldn’t be a camping trip without skateboarding on the beach.
Boys Will Be Boys
Equipment purchased, Bobby and family head to the park. As the sun sets, Bobby and the boys attempt to set up the tent. They don’t need no stinking directions; Bobby’s daddy, Pop Brown, was a military man. He helps the boys set up the tent, then amuses the family with his version of the funky chicken. Bobby says his father is the entertainer of the family. Close your eyes, and Pop sounds just like Red Foxx. Bobby is proud of his father and the three generations of Browns that are here tonight.
After setting up the tent the group takes a break. Pop is enjoying a cold one, and Tommy begs Pop to drink his beer out of a glass – Tommy wants no trouble from the Park Rangers. Pop Brown says to bring a cup and another six pack. I see where Bobby gets his charm.
Bobby beams as he regards his family over an evening meal of hot dogs and beans. Dinner over, Pop Brown retires to the tent, followed by Bobby Jr. Bobby, Tommy and Cousin Billy sing. It’s a peaceful family scene until Bobby Jr. and Pop Brown get into an argument over who is passing gas in the tent.
“Quit waving them funky ass blankets around.” Pop says.
“Pop, Quit farting!” Bobby Jr. replies.
“It’s them damn beans!”
After a suitable interval and an airing out of the tent it’s time for sleep:
“Goodnight Bobby Jr.”
I expect to hear Goodnight, Johnboy but this isn’t The Waltons.
The King Of The Forest Becomes The Hen-Pecked Husband
Next morning Bobby is dressed in cammo, holding a fishing pole, when Whitney calls. His face falls when she tells him to come home. Bobby says he’s not coming home until next week. Whitney tells him he’s lost his mind. He says he’s trying to find it. He won’t tell her where he is, and hangs up the phone – or tries to. Whitney’s voice continues to blare even after he’s hung up the phone. Bobby instructs the others not to tell Whitney where they are: “She’s tryin’ to fight today, and I ain’t in the mood!” Bobby doesn’t want Whitney around; he wants to spend time with the guys. He says that if Whitney comes he’ll have to give her all his attention.
Too bad for Bobby! Whitney calls back to say she, Bobbie Kristina, and Whitney’s friends Skenecia and Laurie, are almost there. Bobby, sitting on a picnic table, nauseates himself by farting. He lifts a leg and holds the phone down by his butt, then tries to wave the smell away. Whitney asks him what he’s laughing about, and he explains. “Aw, hell naw!” Whitney rasps. “I’ll bust your sh** when I see you. You better run in the forest somewhere.” Bobby sighs.
While waiting for Whitney to arrive, Bobby and the boys decide to fish. Bobby baits the hook with a worm and proceeds to catch a branch in the water and a tree overhead. Bobby is tired of fishing. Ten minutes have passed.
*Cue Jaws music* Whitney and the girls arrive amidst a flurry of horn honks and yells, startling nearby campers and ensuring no one else will have any luck fishing. Bobby walks to the convertible to get a kiss from Whitney. He takes good- naturedly the laughs and scorn heaped upon him for his camouflage attire.
The girls invade the camp, spilling around the campsite and eewing over the bathroom facilities –a bag inside the tent. I’ll bet they wash themselves with a rag on a stick. Whitney rushes to Bobby’s arms and kisses him, saying she wants him to take her across the lake and behind a tree. I’d like to point out the children standing around within earshot, but since she’s announcing it to the world I guess she doesn’t care if they hear.
“I’m hongry.” Whitney proclaims. Hamburgers sizzle as Bobby and Whitney sing “Fire” and dance a jig around the grill. Bobbie Kris’s friend looks on, expressionless. I can’t tell if she’s unmoved or simply wallowing in embarrassment at the antics of her friend’s middle- aged mom and dad.
The Difference Between Men And Boys Are The Price Of Their Toys
Bobby, who seems to have the attention span of a two year-old, abandons Whitney for the children’s bike he bought at the sporting goods store yesterday. He jumps on and wobbles across the beach, tires nearly flattened by his weight. Bobby’s nephew McKinley jumps on his back and yells “Gimme my bike! Gimme my bike!” Bobby refuses to get off the bike, and his nephew huffs off, saying “I don’t know what you been taking…but you ain’t no celebrity now.” Out of the mouths of babes.
Whitney sees a man riding across the lake on a jet ski, and she and Bob rush to the shore. Bobby yells to the man that they want a ride. The driver tells Bobby “You can’t drive them after drinking.” Bobby says he doesn’t drive any more. Oh, the unintentional irony.
“You want me to give Whitney a ride?” the jet skier asks.
“You want me to bust yo’ ass?” Bobby counters.
Nobody gets a ride, which surprises me (not). Bobby and Whitney watch as the man departs. They curse him. Bobby says “I want that.” Too bad the sporting goods store didn’t sell jet skis.
Bobby and Whitney take a private ride in the lifeboat so Whitney can sit on his lap and talk nasty. They return to camp and sit on a rock, talking. Whitney asks Bobby why he’s never taken her here before (He didn’t take you this time, duh) and Bobby tells her this is where he usually takes his girlfriends. Whitney slaps him across the mouth and pouts, and they’re off again. I can’t understand their whispers and love conversation, but I’m not really trying. Please God, let this trip be over soon.
The Forest Is Over
Back at camp, Bobby starts cooking chicken legs. He belches, then says his stomach hurts. He rolls on the ground clutching his stomach while Pop tends to the chicken. Whitney tells him she is ready to go. Bobby wants to stay until the chicken is done but Whitney “hell naw’s” her way around the camp screeching “Pack it up, let’s go!”
Whitney and the girls get in the convertible. Bobby continues to cook and moan. He tries to tell Whitney he doesn’t feel well, but Whitney is having none of it. She ignores him, screaming “The forest is over!” Bobby yells for more barbecue sauce and continues cooking, even as Pop and Tommy break camp and pack the equipment away. They know who the boss is. Finally Bob gives up and leaves, chicken uneaten. He didn’t like to fish, couldn’t cook a meal and didn’t win the respect of his peers.
“I think I messed up this trip” he says, as he is herded into Whitney’s convertible and driven away.
Did you mess up by watching this week? Email me at Dinahann@fansofrealitytv.com