Being Bobby Brown 07/07: A Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted
It’s been a week since the premiere of Being Bobby Brown, and some of you out there didn’t catch the first episodes. Not to worry, they’re being aired more often than the latest interview with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, so if you’re lost just hang around and you’ll catch up soon enough. Boy, will you catch up.
The show begins with a disclaimer that the events airing tonight were filmed in London several months ago, and Bravo expresses their sincere condolences to the people of England for the tragic events of July 7th. They could also apologize for foisting the Browns off on an unsuspecting London, but it’s a little late for that.
Its All About The Bling
Bobby and Whitney are standing outside Bvlgari when Bobby sees a watch he wants. It’s extremely gaudy and encrusted with either paste or diamonds. Bobby has the clerk put it on his arm, and walks outside the store to show Whitney. “When I show my wife, she’s gonna’ make me buy it.” Childlike, he rushes outside and holds his arm up. Whitney is on the phone but shakes her head as Bobby prances around posing with the watch. “I am so fly with this watch.” Whitney stares deadpan at him and pronounces: “ It’s a woman’s watch.” Crushed, he relinquishes the watch to the manager, thwarted once again by the evil
WhineyWhitney. Thus begins another episode of Bobby’s life.
Over an opening montage of Big Ben, the changing of the guard and a busy London street, Bobby informs us that he and the family have traveled to London for the culture, which is another word for spending money.
It’s morning at the hotel, and Bobbie Kris knocks on her parent’s hotel room door. Camcorder in hand she begins filming as Whitney opens the door. The girls want to go shopping, so Whitney rushes off to put on her make-up. Bobby, wearing an undershirt and a pair of wrinkled slacks, stands behind Whitney and hunches her until she shoos him off like an annoying fly. Looking around for someone else to irritate he sees Bobbie, still filming. He leans in to the camera and lets go with a juicy raspberry. Bobbie Kris protests, and he licks his lips and repeats the action, this time spitting on the camera. She hits him and he wanders off to get dressed.
It’s Money That Matters
As the three leave the hotel room Bobby clutches a huge roll of bills. Whitney holds her purse open and Bobby tosses the wad into her open purse. Woohoo, Bob, throw some money my way!
Exiting the hotel they are confronted by a crush of photographers and pose briefly. Whitney is wearing a ‘Fro that, upon closer inspection, appears to be made of animal fur. Maybe it’s a hat, or maybe she wants Pepe LePeu on her head. *shrugs * To each his own.
On to the shopping, and in London that means Harrods. The alarm goes off as Bobby enters the store but after mugging for the camera he’s allowed inside. Bobby, Whitney and Bobbie Kris stroll down the aisles and Bobby points out random objects… “I want those shirts…I want those vests.” Whitney chastises him for being loud but Bobby will not be thwarted. “Wrap it and I’ll be back to pick it up.” he tells the clerk.
I want to go shopping with the stars. At least let me hold the money.
More shopping ensues and Whitney obligingly peels off hundred dollar bills to pay. The crowd is in full force, and Bobby poses with fans. Whitney informs Bobby that they need to shop for Bobbie, who hasn’t gotten anything yet. Bobby pouts and wanders away looking for food.
My Viagra’s Better Than Your Viagra
Meanwhile, Whitney runs into Mohamed Al- Fayed, owner of Harrods. He hugs her and she asks if he’s seen Bobby. She drags Al- Fayed in tow, finding Bobby in the store café ordering a breakfast beer.
Al- Fayed hugs Bobby and tells him he has a gift for him - Egyptian viagra. Whitney’s eyes widen: “Oooh, he need that?” she says. Bobby says he doesn’t need the viagra but Al- Fayed tells him they will have three babies. Bobby palms the pills and pretends to swallow them. I hope he's pretending, otherwise I’m changing the channel.
Al- Fayed leaves, and Whitney and Bobbie sit at the counter talking about more shopping. Bobby feels left out and kisses his daughter. She wipes the kiss off. This angers Bobby and he tries to kiss Bobbie Kris again, only to be pushed away by mother and daughter. Lunch is served and Bobby, spitting food as he talks, is summarily dressed down by Whiney. “It’s not about you.” she says, and as the couple bicker a dejected Bobbie sits at the counter, clutching a teddy bear. Whitney tells Bobby to get some rest, and he stalks off. Whitney smiles directly into the camera. I’m not really an insensitive beyotch; now turn it off.
“Hey Mr. Lama, I’m Bobby Brown”
Cut to the same scenes we were shown at the beginning of the episode. Yeah, we get it; they’re in London.
A male tourist holds up a magazine of Bobby from 1989, showing Bob on the cover and an inside pinup. I wonder how long the tourist has carried around the magazine, flipping it open occasionally to stare at Bobby’s picture. This is his lucky day. Oh my God, I’ve been toting around this magazine for 16 years, and here he is in person… Bobby holds up the magazine to compare the 1989 Bobby to the present day Bobby. Bobby, unlike fine wine, does not get better with age.
Bobby and Brother Tommy decide to give the girls some private time. They join a crowd of people gathered around His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. Tommy goes to bat for Bobby: “Hey, Mr. Lama, this is Bobby Brown. Bobby Brown , you know, Whitney Houston’s husband. The singer?” His Holiness looks confused and says “sorry” several times, laughing nervously as he walks away. Hmm. Bobby Brown, like Rodney Dangerfield, can’t get any respect.
I’ve Got Friends In Low Places
Bobby decides to get a haircut, and he and Tommy enter a barbershop in Brixton, a rough looking suburb of London. By the time Bobby’s haircut is finished a motley crowd has gathered. Bobby wants something to eat. He is directed to a place down the street. Bobby strolls toward the restaurant, a girl on his arm, and the crowd surges behind. A frowzy haired woman in a red tracksuit dances around the street yelling “Bobby Brown over here! Bobby Brown over here!” I can practically smell the crack on her. If I knew what crack smelled like. Does crack smell? Well, if it did she’d smell like it.
Bobby and the crowd are directed to the alley behind the eatery where the cook is grilling chicken and fish. Bobby is in his element, surrounded by
low-lives begging for moneyadoring fans. He drinks, and drinks, and drinks some more. A sad looking woman backs Bob up to the back fence. She is saying something to him, and he asks her to repeat it several times. She finally enunciates enough for him to understand she wants money to pay her rent, or she and her baby will be kicked out of their apartment. She asks for 160 pounds, and Bobby counters with two hundred dollars, telling her to hide so the others can’t see him give her the money. Crack girl dances around them until someone drags her away by the neck. Uh, show of hands: How many of you watching think this woman is going to pay rent with the money Bobby gives her?
Bobby poses with a woman who places his hand over her breast. Bobby looks dazed. The crowd becomes increasingly agitated, and Tommy steps in to herd his brother to the car. “Gimme your chain” a woman shouts, trying to snatch the gold chain from around Bobby’s neck. Tommy looks stern, and Bobby is bundled into the car. I’m glad the scene is over. I feel sad for Bobby.
It’s My Prerogative To Get Drunk And Make An Ass Of Myself
Later that evening, Bobby and Whitney leave the hotel for dinner. In the car, Bobby annoys Whitney, acting like a child until she balls up her fist and threatens to hit him. Silence. I wonder if Bobby’s still tipsy from lunch.
At the restaurant, Bobby orders drinks for himself and Whitney: double shot of scotch on the rocks, a Baileys, a Kahlua, and a shot of Absolut, no, make that Grey Goose. Whitney tells Bobby “Drink one more f***ing thing and I will hit you.” She wants a coke. Undaunted, Bobby tells the waitress he he’ll have the drinks she doesn’t want. Whitney stares open mouthed at Bobby.
Bobby sees a female acquaintance and invites her to join the crowd at the table. The woman demurs, sensing that Whitney is less than pleased. Bobby insists, and Whitney shimmers with anger. Prince Jeffrey of Brunei arrives. A sturdy young man, he sports an Elvis pompadour and a purple silk jacket. He sits confidently and banters with the seated guests. Bobby tells him he wants four cars - two Rolls Royce’s, a Bentley and a Ferrari. The Prince says he’ll check his matchbox collection. Ha Ha.
Time to go, and Bobby once again poses with fans as Whitney fumes. She walks away as Bobby hangs back. He finishes off a rocks glass full of vodka and a draft beer. Eyes unfocused, he stumbles into the glass door before making it to the car. Whitney baby talks him into the car and they head back to the hotel.
The Couple That Fights Together, Stays Together
Back at the hotel, Bobby has trouble removing his right shoe. The shoelaces are wrapped and tied around his ankle and in his inebriated state he can’t kick the shoe off. He throws a tantrum and curses, unintentionally funny. I laugh, but things go downhill quickly.
Whitney shoots a look at the camera and tells Bobby he is acting like a child. He needs to go to bed. He replies that he is drunk, and laughs. Whitney retorts that he has children and shouldn’t be the child, and the argument is on. Bobby approaches Whitney menacingly as she stands inside the bedroom, watching him. She closes the door in his face. He says “Yeah, you better close the f***ing door.” She softly replies “Yeah? Whatchu goin’ to do if I didn’t?” And just like that, the episode is over.
Be strong, dear readers. Next week (no, they didn’t divorce after that little spat) we’re treated to another episode of Bobby and Whitney, with more singing and more dancing, only this time with guns!
Are you terrified yet? Email me at Dinahann@fansofreality.com