Being Bobby Brown 6/30:Two Locomotives Rush Headlong Towards Each Other
Well here we are at the premiere of a brand new show, folks. Bravo must be extremely proud of Being Bobby Brown, as they’ll be airing these six episodes 175 times over the course of a month. That means there’s absolutely no excuse whatsoever for missing the show. Busy at 3:00 a.m. on Monday July 11? I thought not. Being Bobby Brown comprises six months of his wacky life. You’ll laugh, you’ll cringe, you’ll turn off the TV in disgust, but you probably won’t be bored. *Pats couch and rearranges pillows, sweeping the dog and potato chip crumbs to the floor* Let’s get started, shall we?
Who’s That Man In The ‘Cuffs?
First, a little background for those of you to young or unhip to recognize the object of this cinema verite. At 13, Bobby Brown and a coterie of adolescent friends formed the group “New Edition.” Later Bobby ventured out on his own and had stunning success when his second album sold seven million albums. He won the 1989 Grammy for best male rhythm & blues performance and married diva superstar Whitney Houston in 1992. They have a daughter, Bobbie Kristina. In addition, Bobby has two other children, LaPrincia and Bobby Jr. And they all live happily ever after in a suburb of Atlanta with Bobby’s sidekick brother Tommy and a fuzzy little dog named Doogie. *closes storybook* Well, not quite.
I Am What I Am- A Family Man
A montage of press coverage catches us up to date on Bobby’s many arrests. He has just been released from the Atlanta jail, where he served 30 days for an assault on wife Whitney. After a quick trip to Boston (where he’s wanted for non-payment of child support) he heads home to his family.
Whitney joins him at the Hyatt Regency and they mug for the camera, exchanging kisses and introductions to the film crew. With daughter Bobbie following, they rush to the bedroom. Whitney closes the door in her daughter’s face. “Daddy tryin’ to make a baby.” she explains. Can I just say eeeew? Bobbie pounds on the closed door, trying the doorknob and breaking into heart wrenching sobs. She turns away from the door dry-eyed and mutters “That’s not fair”, then shrugs matter–of–factly as she stalks off. Counseling, anyone?
I Wear My Sunglasses And Preparation H At Night
The next evening Bobby wanders into the gift shop. He asks the clerk if they carry “Preparation H.” “It’s not for my butt.” He says. The clerk gives him a wondering look. A little bubble forms over her head with the letters “TMI.” Not really, but it would’ve been funnier that way.
Bobby applies the cream under his eyes, explaining that it will shrink the bags induced by a late night with Whitney. Whitney enters the gift shop, and they break into song and dance over a pair of sunglasses. The clerk is unable to tear her eyes away, unsure if she should smile or press the buzzer under the counter that summons security. The moment is fleeting, however, and the couple makes their escape before the guards arrive.
Vacation, All I Ever Wanted
Whitney opines that she needs a vacation (mmm, yeah, you’ve been working hard, girlfriend) and the family heads to the Bahamas. Cruising along the beach in a stretch limousine, Bobby and Whitney break into a chorus of “Gilligan’s Island.” Bobbie sulks and sucks her thumb. See, the stars are just like us!
At the resort a crowd quickly gathers when the Brown entourage enters. Flashes pop and Bobby poses for pictures with a couple of young hotties. The crowd wants Whitney, who ignores them. As the family heads for their room a young fan screams “Usher!” Bobby shakes his head. I laugh.
Off With Their Heads!
After a quick swim, Whitney and the kids have lunch poolside as the fans continue to press. Bobby mugs for the camera, posing again, but trouble is brewing with Whitney. She says: “Now y’all gonna sit around and stare at me, right?” She poses with a young girl but refuses her older fans, saying she doesn’t mind humoring the children but grown folk ought to know better. Bobby’s attention focuses on Whitney as she screeches “Damn, Damn, Damn! I just want a real life! Lawd, I just wanna be a real person!” Honey, you are real – real annoying. Bobby quickly moves to placate her and the fans. He says he got into the business to meet people while Whitney got into the business to sing. I’d be in the business for the bling, but nobody asked me.
I Anticipated It Getting Hot In Here, So I Didn’t Wear Many Clothes At All
After telling a room full of screaming children goodnight, the Posse cruises out to see the nightlife. The club is rocking as Bobby and his entourage enters. The dancing is hot and hectic, and scantily clad girls sidle up to Bobby to show him their moves. One sweet young thing asks Bobby how she can get in touch with him later. He replies that he’s married, and she cuts her eyes to the camera and laughs. “Betcha wouldn’t say that if the camera wasn’t there.” Okay, now I’m just making up things, but a girl has to entertain herself.
There’s no sign of Whitney as Bobby kisses a young woman good night. Someone screams “We love you here in the Bahamas, Bobby!” and as an afterthought: “ Love you too, Whitney.” Bobby seems amazed: “These girls nowadays sure like dancing!” Is that what you call it?
And I Will Always Love You, Even When You’re On Trial For Assaulting Me
Back in Atlanta, Bobby is due for another court appearance, this time for assaulting his wife. He explains that Whitney dropped charges but the state will not; the D.A. is asking for one year in jail. A local reporter quotes Bobby as saying he didn’t hit Whitney, he was “just playing” with his wife. Okay, let’s play. I’ll be Mohammad Ali, and you be anyone else.
The press is in full force at the courthouse as Whitney and Bobby slip inside the courtroom. Bobby stands before the judge but his attention soon wanders. He and Whitney blow kisses and make kooky love faces at each other while the judge decides on bond. The lawyers agree on a price but the judge warns Bobby he’ll be thrown back in jail if he hits “Miss Houston” again. Whitney flutters her eyelashes at the judge and this trip to the circus is over.
There’s nothing like a trip to court to stimulate the appetite, and the entourage adjourns (<--I make myself laugh ) to a local Chinese eatery for lunch. Whitney says she didn’t let Bobbie go to school today, as it was “court day”. Bobby laughs; he says his daughter must be happy when Daddy goes to court. Mommy and Daddy laugh about silly court days. Can you spell dysfunctional?
We Do Everything Together, And I Do Mean Everything
Bobby decides to treat his wife to a spa in appreciation for her support. They change into robes, lounging about and drinking champagne out of flutes filled with strawberries. Two Masseuses arrive, male and female, and a problem ensues. Bobby will not allow Whitney to be massaged by a male masseuse. “No problem,” says the female, “We’ll swap.” Whoops! Wrong choice of words. “Ain’t no swapping!” brays Whitney. “He’s mine and I’m his!” Those crazy Masseuses are put in their place, and two females end up taking joint honors.
Back at the hotel (do these people even have a home?) Whitney primps with help from her make-up artist as Bobby breaks into the mini bar, jimmying the lock to get a free drink. Couldn’t afford a drink after you paid your back child support, eh? He sits by Whitney and they banter affectionately about the time Bobby had to pull impacted feces from her rear-end. He demonstrates with his fingers as Whitney half-heartedly attempts to hush him up. I’m open-mouthed at the scatological tale. This couple does everything together. Whitney shrugs it off. “That’s black love” she trills. I check the time, trying to remember my fifth grade math: How long will it take two trains on the same track, each going the speed of light, to crash headlong into each other? Too long, apparently.
Tastes Just Like Chicken
Finally ready for dinner, Whitney sports an evening gown and a long silk scarf covering her hair. Bobby approves, stumbling a little over his words: “ You look like… look like… the bodyguard.” It’s actually kind of sweet. Oh no, I feel myself getting sucked in. Must. maintain. objectivity. Whew, that was a close one.
At the restaurant Bobby reels off half a dozen entrée’s to the bemused waiter: oysters, braised beef, red snapper, rack of pork, squab and crab-cakes. When the food comes neither care much for the squab. Whitney pokes it with a fork, identifying individual body parts: “That’s an ass, that’s an armpit…"
Meal over, Bobby whispers sweet nothings in Whitney’s ear, asking if he can impregnate her. I’m terrified they’ll actually begin the process in front of me. Fortunately, the episode ends before I have to gouge my eyes out, and we’re treated to scenes from next week: more singing, more dancing, more fighting, and a trip to London to meet the Dalai Llama. I breathe a sigh of relief and head for the bathroom to take a long, steaming hot shower.
Scarred for life? Email me at Dinahann@fansofrealitytv.com