Beauty & The Geek 3 Premiere Recap – The Geekiest Place On Earth
Wow! Is this the third season of Beauty & The Geek? Already? When I first heard about the premise for the show a few years ago, I figured it would be a one off…it would get some viewers, but mostly it was going to be a cheesy insult to me and my nerdy, geeky brethren. I had no idea that I’d be here today writing recaps for a third season. But I’m happy for it. This show has proven to be a delightful and charming view into an experience that, in my opinion, really does change people’s lives for the better. Maybe not your life or my life, but it’s still fascinating to watch the geeks emerge from their shells of dork-dom, and the beauties learn a thing or two about how to treat other people.
Don’t Mess With The Geek’s Angels
With their motors already buzzing, this season’s geeks all arrive at the mansion simultaneously on some hardcore scooters. I’m not talking about hip Vespas, no. All of these sneaker wearin’ geeks are driving motorized razor scooters. Maybe not exactly a Razor, per se, but you know those small motor scooters with a standing platform the size of a thin skateboard with air filled tires that you always wanted when you were a kid (or was that just me)? That kind of scooter. These boys roll up in class! As they arrive, they introduce themselves, so we can have a view into their particular geek forte.
Piao – Or call him “Pi”, and always imagine him saying that and flashing his “π” gang sign. Who knew π had a posse? Either way, Pi is a member of the gang, and he let’s everyone know by making pistols out of his thumb and index finger, pointing them downward, and joining his thumbs together. See? It makes a rudimentary π. Pi has kissed only one girl.
Drew – Drew is a hard core Trekkie….er, TrekER, pardon me for not knowing there was a politically correct term for a person that dresses up like characters from a scifi TV show. He fears beautiful women as if they were Romulans, and he’s the Federation. If you understand that analogy like I did, you must be a little bit of a Trekker too.
Niels – This guy is smart! And he’s not afraid to tell us. Niels had a perfect SAT score. Perfect! He is smarter than 99% of the country…probably 99.99% of the country, but who’s counting besides Niels?
Nate – Nate might be the least geeky guy here. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is a dork, but he’s a lead singer in a band. It’s a Star Wars tribute band, but still…lead singer! To me, he’s king of the dorks. Trust me, I know. I was king of the band dorks back in high school. It empowers you. He sings us a few bars from their song “High Noon At The Pit of Carkoon”, and I find myself wanting to catch their act. I admit it…I like Star Wars too.
Scooter – It’s a nickname…I think. I’m not sure, because I don’t think I heard him referred to by any other name, but he told someone that it’s from the “Muppet Babies” cartoon from way back when. He’s a Harvard graduate, and it’s easier for him to understand 10 dimensional, impactified, infolded space in quantum physics than it is to understand women. Ok, that one I don’t get, but I still like Scooter. He’s cool.
Mario – Mario is Comic Book Guy from “The Simpsons”, but 15 years younger. He owns 25,000 comics, and loves the original Nintendo Game System and Mario Brothers so much, he has the controller tattooed on his arm with the word “Tradition” as the cord. He’s pretty hip and laid back, so he’s in competition with Nate for the “least geeky” award.
Matt – Matt is an MIT graduate, and seems pretty shy and reserved. He says his probability of getting laid on any given night is 2 to the -2 power, so it’s pretty low.
Sanjay – Sanjay is a virgin, and since he’s on this show, I’ll assume it’s not by choice. The thing he hates about women is that they use Windows XP when he tells them to use Linux, and Windows XP is not a stable environment. Note to the CW Network: Don’t approach Microsoft for ad time…they’ll turn you down flat. Sanjay is also really good at impersonations…of appliances! He impersonates a blender—his best impersonation—and yells so loud, the camera guy that’s out on the driveway can hear it!
The Beauties don’t get nearly as cool of an entrance as the geeks had. They simply all roll up in a huge black limousine, and start unloading on the driveway, one at a time.
Jennylee – It ain’t easy being green, but it’s easy to be Jennylee, since she’s attractive makes life easier. She doesn’t think it’s fair, but then again, it’s not her fault, either. She is a UFC ring girl.
Andrea – A beauty pageant queen, Andrea is coming into the mansion expecting to win. Here’s this year’s Cher, here only to win the money. She’s going to do whatever it takes to win.
Erin – Erin looks-wise reminds me of a snotty girl from high school who always overlooked geeks like me because she was popular. I saw her at my 10 year reunion…still living in the same town, married to an alcoholic with three kids. I think they lived in a trailer, too. Erin is a voice teacher, and is fascinated by the fact that people really do attend Harvard, and it’s not just some imaginary college.
Tori – Tori is a busty model. She usually tunes out when she’s talking with people and wonders to herself what people think when they look at her. She thinks they say “Wow, this girl is awesome!” Actually, if you’re talking to a guy, Tori, they’re probably tuned out too, and simply rambling on to simply stare at your chest. Do guys ever make eye contact with you?
Nadia – Nadia was a cheerleader all through high school, and now she’s a sorority girl. She throws us all a cheer with a straight enough face, but then she giggles at the end as if she thinks it’s all really hokey. Yeah it is.
Sheree – A former Hooters waitress! Has there ever been a beauty on B&tG that confessed to that? I don’t remember, but she’s come pretty far since then to be on the show. The last book she read was probably a “Sweet Valley High” book. Now that’s some rich literature!
Cecille – Cecille’s face looks like the face of a girl I dated a long time ago, but her demeanor is completely opposite. Cecille is a bubbly blonde bikini model who says that her best feature is when she shows her pouty lip and pouts, because she’s good at it. Whatever.
Megan – I thought B&tG was only big enough to draw a former Hooters waitress, but then Megan showed up and blew my theory. She’s a Playboy model. Now, I don’t know…does that mean she’s appeared in the magazine? Or does it take less than that these days to be deemed a Playboy model? Megan didn’t do really well in high school, but she rocked nail school, so at least she’s got that going for her.
The host who’s name I always forget—Mike something or other? I don’t know—gathers the guys on an upstairs balcony and the girls on the patio underneath, so that he can tell everyone what the show is all about and how things will proceed all at the same time. From here, the two groups will pass each other in the foyer on their way to their respective rooms, where they will all sit facing away from the door. First a geek will enter the ladies room, introduce himself, answer some questions, and then the beauties will decide who’s going to be his teammate. Then a girl will go over to the guys, and the same thing will happen. All this until they are all paired up.
As the groups briefly pass in the foyer, the girls all seem to get that look on their faces of “what the hell have I done??? It’s for good reason…this year’s geeks seem to be the geekiest group ever! Some of these guys look beyond help, and the girls really seem to know it. The geeks, on the other hand, are all excited as all get out. These girls are HOT, and they have to talk to them! One of them will even be sleeping in the same room as them! Oh, they are excited. Once they are all settled in their respective rooms, the boys start up the pairing process, and the teams go down like this: Drew and Erin, Andrea and Matt, Sanjay and Tori, Cecille and Nate, Mario and Nadia, Jennylee and Niels, Scooter and Megan, and finally, Sheree and Piao.
The teams soon head off to mingle in the mansion, and prove their stereotypes to each other. Take Erin, for example. She has no idea if it’s “Star Track” or “Star Truck”. Sanjay tries an old trick on his partner Tori, asking her a quick series of questions and having her answer as quickly as possible. After a string of “yes” answers from Tori, Sanjay asks her if she wants to make out with him. Tori didn’t fall for it, and answers with a resounding “No!” Eventually they discuss other things, and Sanjay learns that “getting booty” actually means having sex in today’s jargon. He always thought that booty was pirate treasure. He asks some of the other geeks what they think “getting booty” means, and they all don’t know what it means, other than “to find pirate treasure.” I told you…Geekiest. Group. EVER!
A Series Of Challenging Tasks
All too quickly, the premiere becomes all about the challenges. Unlike prior seasons where the teams were given time to study for their first challenge, this season is starting off with a test for both the geeks and the beauties. Gathered at the library of a local college, Mike instructs the teams on how to win the challenge. First, the girls must select three cards from a card catalog and find the three different books in the stacks using the Dewey Decimal System. When they find their three books, they must take them to their partner-geek, because in each book is a card with a task on it. The tasks? First, have someone rub sunscreen on their back. Second, get a girl’s phone number. Finally, they have to borrow a cell phone to make the winning call to Mike—or whatever the host’s name is.
On “Go!”, Tori gets out of the gates and finds her first book immediately. All of the other girls are bitching and moaning about how impossible the task is, considering they learned the Dewey Decimal system back in, like, 5th grade. It seems like no one thinks they’ll be able to find their books, when all of a sudden Cecille has all three of her books and is pulling out the tasks for her partner Nate to perform. Nate heads outside to complete his tasks, and starts out by asking some random dude on the street if he’ll put the sunscreen on Nate’s back. I couldn’t really see his face, but considering the dude’s entire body recoiled, I think he was pretty disgusted. He dismissed Nate with a polite laugh. Andrea found her books next, and Matt walked quickly out of the library to make his futile attempts to get sunscreen rubbed on his back. The guy is too shy…I don’t think he even asked one person. All the other girls found their books, but Tori was still looking for her final book. Sanjay was worried that they were going to go home since they likely wouldn’t win the challenge. Obviously he doesn’t understand how the challenges work. You see, if you win, you CAN’T be eliminated, but if you lose, you aren’t automatically eliminated. Either way, Tori finally found her last book, and Sanjay busted hisself out of the library to find out it was too late. Nate and Scooter were working their butts off to accomplish all of their tasks, and were neck and neck while trying to borrow a cell phone to make the final call to Mike. When Mike’s phone rings, it’s Nate by a nose, and Nate and Cecille are safe from the first elimination.
Go On, Take The Money And Run
Back at the mansion, the teams find champagne chilling so they decide to let the booze flow and toast each other. While they are celebrating their involvement in this grand experience, Mike walks in to drop a semi-bomb on everyone. Even though they had their first challenge already, no one will be going home tonight…unless it’s by choice. The teams need to decide if there is a price that would make them decide to voluntarily leave the game, or if they are at the mansion for the personal growth experience that it is. There are only two couples who are really considering taking the money and voluntarily leaving the mansion…Erin and Drew, because Erin works 3 jobs to make ends meet and might rather take the money now, than risk getting nothing later, and Andrea and Matt, because Andrea has stated early and often that she is in the game for the money and to win only…plus she’s not really feeling it with her partner, Matt. After a few hours, all 8 teams meet up with Mike in the library to see what he’s got to offer. Each team gets a baton that is held with one hand by each teammate. And the dealing begins. First Mike offers $5,000 to leave the game, and mentions that whichever teams baton hits the floor first gets the money and will go home. Nobody takes the deal, so Mike sweetens it by adding another $5,000 to the kitty. He also mentions that this must be a team decision, and both members must let go of the baton to get the money. With no one taking the $10,000, Mike adds another $5,000, and the pot is getting very tempting, especially to Erin and Andrea. No one takes the $15,000, so Mike makes his final offer of $20,000. Erin has stated that she really thinks Drew wants this experience, and actually kind of needs this experience, so it seems like they are out of the running, but Andrea is all about the Benjamins, so I was certain she was going to take the money and get herself out of the game. I’m shocked to find out that she and Matt don’t let go of their baton, and the money will stay in the CW’s deep pockets.
Let The Real Games Begin
The morning after the big money offer, the teams once again gather in the library to meet with Mike. This time, he tells them about their first real challenges. For the beauties, they are going to have to learn about current events, and host a taped television interview, discussing current events in a serious and educated manner. The geeks’ task will be anything but serious. They will be writing stand up comedy routines and performing them in front of a live audience at The Laugh Factory. They need to be careful, since I’m sure someone in the audience will have a video camera phone and will be filming if they decide to go nutbar like Michael Richards.
The groups get their study materials and start studying hard. The beauties have a lot of reading to do, and the geeks need to come up with material for their acts. Erin doesn’t know where the Panama Canal is, so she’s got a lot to learn in a short amount of time, and Andrea hates reading, so the book they got as study material will likely go unread. Drew is a nervous nelly on stage in front of people, so he’s going to have to practice, practice, practice. And he does…getting more comfortable each time he starts his act over for Erin. Nate has always wanted to do standup, so he’s already got a leg up, and since he’s a lead singer in a Star Wars tribute band, he is used to performing for an audience. Sanjay isn’t as worried about his challenge as he is worried about his partner, Tori, being ready for hers. She hardly studied, and was the first person to go to bed that night.
Now That’s Comedy
Soon it’s time for the comedy routines, and everyone is gathered at The Laugh Factory. Personally, I’m not sure what to expect…will there be any laughs at all? Well, other than awkward laughs at unfunny quips? Scooter doesn’t start things off very well. He tells jokes that are just too darn smart for your average audience. He bombs. Piao is no better. His routine is laced with epithets and curse words, and no one even cracks a smile. Most of the geeks are too nervous on stage to even warrant a laugh from the audience. Then Nate comes up, and does a routine about how he would have made allergies different if he were God. He’d make people allergic to big scary things, like tigers and sharks. His routine gets the most laughs of the night, and the most applause. Suprisingly, Matt gets some good laughs from his kid jokes, and Mario tells a great story about the theme song from the Mario Brothers game running through his head anytime he makes out with a girl. After all of the routines are done, the audience votes, and Mike announces that Nate came away with the most votes. Nate and Cecille get to pick one of the teams for elimination that night.
Next it’s the beauties’ chance to make us laugh by trying to conduct a serious interview on current events. They will be reading an introduction from a teleprompter, and then interviewing Stephen Dubner, one of the co-authors of the book “Freakonomics,” the book the girls were given as part of their study materials. Two local news reporters will be the judges and pick the best interview. First up, Tori. She didn’t read the book at all, but it doesn’t really matter since she can hardly get through reading the introduction, and the judges are aghast. Pretty much all of the beauties were like Tori…that is, none of them read the book, and they focused their questions for Mr. Dubner on one specific topic that really had nothing to do with the gist of the book. Everyone, that is, except for Sheree. Sheree put on a news interview clinic for the other beauties, much to the shock of the judges and her partner, Piao. From the second she gave her interview, it was obvious that she was the winner, and Mike’s announcement after all of the interviews were over was merely a formality. Sheree and Piao get to pick the second team for the elimination round that evening.
Nominations, Congratulations, and Embarkations
Later that evening, Mike gathers the two winning couples next to him, and the teams that are eligible for elimination on the stairs. He turns the proceedings over to Nate for his teams pick for possible elimination. Nate hems and haws, tells everyone how hard this part of the game is, and proceeds to pick Sanjay and Tori. Next Sheree gets to choose a team for elimination, and she decides that don’t want to put a strong team up for elimination, because if they come out, they’ll come out more determined than ever. She picks Drew (dressed up in his Star Fleet best) and Erin.
The two teams meet up with Mike in the library, and get the lowdown on how the whole elimination round works. New this year is the fact that the other teams will be watching the competition from a room upstairs, and that each round has only 4 question cards to choose from. The same this year is the fact that the women go first. Tori picks first, and she is asked to identify the next year that a US Presidential election will take place. She answers incorrectly with 2006, when the answer is 2008. Erin’s first question is “What is Japan’s unit of currency called?” She answers “Yen,” and her team leads 1-0. Tori’s next question asks her to identify what NYSE stands for on Wall Street. She has no idea…can’t even get “New York” out, and she misses her second question. Erin’s second and final question asks her to name one of the co-authors of “Freakonomics.” She quickly names Stephen Leavitt, and puts her and Drew up 2-0.
Now the guys get their shot at answering questions based on comedy and humor. Sanjay will pick first, and if he answers the question incorrectly, Drew and Erin will automatically get the win. His question is “What sitcom is inspired by the childhood experiences of Chris Rock?” He answers “Growing Up With Chris” instead of “Everyone Hates Chris,” and Sanjay and Tori are eliminated from the game just like that. The losing couple congratulates the winners and heads for the door. Meanwhile, Mike tells Erin and Drew to head upstairs, where the other teams were watching Erin’s domination. They won’t be so quick to pick Erin and Drew next time.
It doesn’t hit Tori that her and Sanjay have been eliminated until she starts to give her post show interview. Sanjay is just happy that he got to taste the Beauty and the Geek experience, and is glad to have met so many cool new people. The couple gets past their differences in the game by, as Sanjay puts it, “hugging it out.”
Be sure to tune in next week for more geeky shenanigans and beauty stupidity! What new and unique challenges will Ashton Kutcher have for us? I have no idea, because my DVR cut the show off before the previews. I’ll just have to wait and see like the rest of you!
King of the band dorks 1986-1990: firstname.lastname@example.org