...would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
In celebration of this week’s B&G theme, I have decided to reveal my super-secret cache of infallible pick-up lines. This is for the good of humanity, of course—the world must be peopled! Use them with caution, because these suckers are dynamite.
5. When I saw you from across the room, I passed out cold and hit my head on the floor...so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
4. I may not be the best looking girl here, but I'm the only one who’s talking to you.
3. Ew...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
2. You're ugly, but you intrigue me.
1. *heavy sigh* Inheriting eighty million bucks just doesn't mean that much when you have a weak heart.
Try them out this weekend—I guarantee you won’t be disappointed!*
*no refund applies
Here’s Johnny *axe thwack*
Our show begins with Richard and Mindy tiptoeing up the grand staircase with cartoonishly exaggerated movements. Very sneaky. They burst into the room where the other teams are waiting to see who got eliminated, and Richard’s braying, nasal laugh echoes over the women’s just-to-be-polite squeals of joy. Chuck is clearly the most disappointed to see the survivors of the elimination room. He glares a glare in Richard’s direction that seems to say, “I will avenge this slight with gallons of your loved ones’ blood. Their screams of agony will echo through the ages.” <--possibly slightly exaggerated for dramatic purposes.
Richard celebrates exuberantly and…oddly, holding a conversation with the naked statue on the stairwell, and sliding very, very slowly down the banister. Squeak…squeak….. …..squeak. He also taunts Chuck and makes unrealistic threats, all of which is done outside of Chuck’s hearing.
Arithmophobia: an abnormal and persistent fear of numbers
In the morning, all the constants file downstairs for the challenge revelation. Scarlet makes some lame comments about the importance of this challenge, which are so generic they make me want to slap the editor for sleeping on the job.
The host greets everyone and reminds them how close they are to the prize, now that it’s down to the final four. Aside, Chuck takes exception with the percentages the host gives. After all, a 25% chance at the money would only apply if each contestant was playing from a perfectly even set of abilities and experiences, which they are clearly not, and we all know that we are really 4/7ths of the way through this game. Sheesh. The quality in reality TV hosting precision has really slumped.
The host goes on to tell the ladies that they will be competing in finance—“making sense of dollars,” if you will. Heh heh. None of the gals are thrilled. Lauren tells us all the things she’d rather do than math—it’s a very long list including shopping and going to the beach and other pleasant things. But how about shoving bamboo shoots under your fingernails, Lauren? Would you rather do that than math? Because that would mean something.
The guys will be working with numbers, too—phone numbers. As one, the mens’ mouths fall open in agonized horror. They will be “getting digits,” as the kids say. The host tells them that picking up women will make them men. From their faces, they’d all happily remain boys—or even hairless pets—for the rest of their lives rather than face this challenge.
Now I’m feeling ill
The men find envelopes included with their study material. Inside is a mandate: they must ask one of the women—and not their partner, it seems. I guess that would be just too easy—to have a romantic dinner with them that evening in the mansion. (Low budget alert)
Chuck, the first to find his envelope, rushes down the stairway to find Scarlet. He beats around the bush a bit, but eventually gets a yes from the lovely Latina. Aside, Scarlet tells us how she is happy to build his confidence this way. Ouch. Nothing like finding out months later as you watch the show that your date said yes out of pity—that’s a huge confidence builder.
Richard finds his letter, but instead of sprinting out to ask his lady of choice, he spends a long time musing over who he should honor with the request.
Shawn quickly finds Mindy, and then slowly asks her out.
SHAWN: So we’re supposed to ask someone to a romantic dinner tonight.
Shawn manages to say the words, and Mindy agrees so enthusiastically that he blushes.
Rich is still pondering.
Bill is by far the most upfront, and I wish I could stick a shiny gold star on the back of his hand. He takes both of Caitilin’s hands and begins with, “Would you like…” leaving no room for confusion. Women everywhere nod in approval. Caitilin rewards his confidence with an enthusiastic yes.
Richard finally makes his decision, and hunts out Scarlet. He makes her sit, and then says, “I’m a little ill.” Scarlet expresses concern. “I’m ill because I’m about to ask you out,” Richard continues. Women everywhere roll their eyes. (Note to Rich: see infallible super-secret pick-up lines at the top of this page.) Scarlet tells Richard that she’s already said yes to Chuck.
Richard is furious to hear that he has been rejected, and for the sake of his archenemy, no less. In a hurry now, he runs off to ask…Caitilin. Pathetically, he uses the exact same cheesy “ill” line. And gets the same answer (most people would learn from this). He rants about being twice rejected, and moans, “Now I have to ask Lauren!” in front of Caitilin. Note to males reading this recap: that kind of talk will come back to bite you in the butt—it doesn’t get Richard today, but it will get you, mark my words.
Through a strange editing decision, suddenly Lauren pops into place seated on the sofa in between Richard and Caitilin. Though Caitilin is just inches away, Richard uses the same tired “ill” line on Lauren. He’s too beat down to continue to the question, and Lauren asks him if he’d like her to ask him out. He says yes. She asks, “What are you doing for dinner?” He answers, “Eating.” That, right there, is why this man will die alone. They do agree to meet for dinner, and much squealing issues forth from both parties.
In my day, we knew how to be romantic. Kids these days! *old man head-shake*
And cue the cheesy romantic guitar music…
As Chuck goes to pick Scarlet up from her room, he is nervous about “what is going to happen” on this romantic adventure. No need to worry, pal. Meanwhile, the object of his desire tells us that she’s going to give Chuck “as much advice as I can—hopefully he can use this experience out in the real world.” Ouch, again. There is a low budget spread waiting for Chuck and Scar in one of the mansions many multi-purpose rooms. Chuck toasts to getting to know each other better. Scarlet is primed for romance, but then Chuck starts talking about Israeli pride and his past as a Quaker. Scarlet is weirded out by his topics of conversation.
Shawn and Mindy have dismissed every notion of romance, and are hard at work prepping for the mens’ challenge. Shawn is worried, and Mindy asks what the worst thing is that could happen. Obviously, he could be laughed at. Mindy tells him that all he needs is confidence, because that is what women are looking for. Confidence, and infallible pick-up lines.
The educational theme continues into Bill and Caitilin’s “date.” They discuss the proper way to end a date, and agree that kissing is a no-no on the first, no matter how good it was. Caitilin likes Bill, and sees a lot of potential there. So do I, but then, I’m am wearing an “I *heart* nerds” t-shirt.
Ah, but we’ve saved Richard and Lauren for the grand finale. Richard is very confident going into this, his first date ever. He puts his chances of “getting lucky” at 110%. He is clearly in his element: he sloshes wine on his shirt while spastically “smelling the bouquet,” he hits his head on the back of his chair tossing his drink back like a shot after the toast, he fills his water glass from the melted champagne bucket ice, he burps… Lauren repeatedly begs him to stop, but he just keeps on being Richard. She gives him a D on the date, and cleans him with her napkin. On the way back upstairs, Richard asks if he has to kiss her. Lauren answers forcefully in the negative. She tells us that Richard has no chance with any girl…ever.
A million monkeys chained to a million typewriters… …produced this recap
It’s time for the ladies’ “finance” challenge. The girls are taken to their personal Shangri-la, a trendy boutique. The host meets them there and begins with, “You may have noticed that your partner’s fashion sense is a little lacking.” Just the hint that shopping may be involved has Mindy and Lauren swooning. “I’m gonna cry!” Lauren exclaims. Their joy is not premature: the women will be giving the men complete makeovers. They all scream, and Mindy (Richard’s partner, if you’d forgotten) shouts praises to a higher being.
They each have $1000 to spend on a new wardrobe for their geekier half. The challenge is this: they must come as close to that $1000, while adding and figuring in an 8.25% sales tax in their heads, without going over. The one who comes closest wins an advantage for her partner in the men’s challenge. That challenge is more important than ever, because, this week, the team that comes out ahead in the men’s challenge gets to pick both teams to be sent to the elimination room. Those men need every advantage they can get, so go buy them some sexy clothes, ladies!
Having to add in their heads takes the edge off the shopping pleasure, but the girls seem to enjoy themselves regardless. Until checkout time, when they start sweating—and admitting that none of them have a clue how much they spent. The receipts are in, and, with a total of $972.10, Lauren is the winner. Yay! Of course, the win was every bit as random as monkey-typing, but YAY! for Lauren, regardless.
I feel pretty, oh so pretty!
Lauren bounces in to tell Bill about her win. They hug. Then freeze, staring into each other’s eyes as they suddenly realize in the same moment that they are meant to be together…forever. Slowly, Bill lowers his face toward hers… Well, not really, but they did hug. Then she shows him the clothes he has to wear. And Bill, possibly just happy from the win, does not whine like Chuck and Richard. Who do whine.
The clothes Caitilin bought for Chuck are outside his comfort zone. He’s flabbergasted that someone could pay $250 for one pair of jeans, let alone jeans that are already “ruined” by some shred-happy designer. Richard is simply anti-jeans, violently opposed to denim in any form. Denimophobia.
While Richard is still reeling from the idea that icky, soft, stretchy blue cotton will touch his bony legs, Mindy tows him downstairs to the in-house “salon” (super low-budget siren sounds). Richard starts screaming when she tells him he’s going to get a haircut—whether in fear or joy, we know not.
All the girls take their partners to personal salons hidden throughout the mansion. Lauren tells the hair-artist that she wants a “complete transformation” and Bill looks nervous. Everyone seems to enjoy their spa day, though, unless they edited out some girlie tears…and why would they? So probably there were no sobbing fits. Richard really likes the feel of the hairdresser’s hands in his hair. Enjoy it, Richard. You’re going to have to pay for that feeling from here on out.
I’m to sexy for my pocket protector
The girls assemble in a conveniently curtained room for the fashion show. Shawn is first. He emerges from the curtains sans glasses, with spikey-er hair and a striped button-up shirt over his pricey jeans. I think he’s adorable, but then I do *heart* nerds, as I’ve already admitted. The girls shriek, applaud, and enthuse. Scarlet gives him a hug. The glasses quickly reappear.
Chuck is next, looking a bit uncomfortable in his “ruined” jeans. He’s also wearing a dark button-up over a gold-ish t-shirt. His hair is a bit lighter and a bit taller. There’s not a huge difference in my opinion, but Mindy thinks he looks more confident. He gets the same giddy reception as Shawn. Chuck says he feels like an imposter.
Bill appears next and…well, hold on, there seems to be some slobber on my notes here. What does that say? Looks like….hawt…sexy…I want to tear those new clothes right…sorry, I can’t make out any more. Bill’s lost the glasses, too, and wears a fitted white button-up shirt over his jeans. His hair is attractively fluffed, and his smile is huge. The girls squeal, I squeal, we all squeal. Bill’s looking good. Biggest transformation of the group.
Richard is saved for last, as usual. He comes through the curtain in a boring blue dress shirt tucked into jeans, but the girls scream like there was some kind of improvement. Maybe it was better in person. To me, he looks exactly as Screech-like as before. The best Caitilin can do is, “Look at those jeans!” Richard feels sexy, and thinks the women are “fawning” over him. In true martyr spirit he exclaims, “If I gotta wear the jeans to be fawned over by beautiful women, I’ll were the jeans!” Denimophobia cured!
Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap hotel room across the street.
Fear. Angst. Horror. It’s time for the guys’ challenge! The teams are taken to an outdoor shopping area/meat market. Hostboy tells them that the guys have thirty minutes to get as many women’s phone numbers as they can. The girls will be able to coach them through “inconspicuous” ear pieces. The man with the most digits wins. Since Lauren won the ladies’ finance challenge, Bill will get a head start of…one. Oooooh, that’s such an advantage. I guess all of Lauren’s hard work and mental math was…well, justly rewarded actually.
Chuck calls this exercise “relatively terrifying.” It’s nice to see that he’s keeping his perspective, and recognizes that some things might be even more frightening—like being attacked by ninja vampire goats. Shawn says this is the hardest thing they’ve had to do yet. The host tells them to “Find your inner stud.” Advice I think we can all use.
Bill is first out of the gate: “Ladies, I’m on a scavenger hunt, and I need your phone numbers—” *buzz!* Chuck can’t even get someone to hear him out past three words, “Beg your pardon—” *buzz* “Sorry to bother—” *buzz* “Excuse—” *buzz* The women just keep on keepin’ on…
Rich swaggers around with both hands in his pockets. He says his goal is to be normal and toned-down. Worthy aims. He starts by hitting on a geriatric woman, who quickly smacks him down with her cane.
Shawn seems to be ahead of the game at first. He sits down next to stationary women (clever) and strikes up an actual conversation. Scarlet is pleased until her advice (“Ask them out!”) distracts Shawn. He rubs his ear, and then tells the girls, “I’ve got this gooey thing in my ear. It’s nasty.” Scarlet groans, horrified.
Honey, hair this fierce don’t come on no straight boy! *snap, snap*
Lauren guides Bill to invite some women to a pretend “V.I.P.” party. It works, and he gets their numbers. Chuck also develops a cover story: he’s a film student, doing some screen writing, and he needs interview subjects…you get the idea. His persona develops further as one girls accuses him of trying to pick her up. Suddenly, he realizes that his alter ego is a gay man. “How many straight guys have highlights? No, this isn’t a pick up line.”
Richard gets a number. Richard gets a number! He meets a girl named Georgia, and says, “Georgia on my mind?” Just like that, he’s on the board. It’s not her real number, but even still!
Bill is suddenly filled with confidence. He has discovered one of the great secrets of the universe: Very few women will throw acid in your face if you hit on them! (It’s really just not that convenient to carry easily opened containers of acid in your purse.) He starts racking up the numbers (the fact that he’s now hot doesn’t hurt his odds) and even cuts in on Shawn’s never-ending chat with the gooey-ear girls. Bill snags one of the numbers before Shawn can get the other.
Shawn gets snubbed by another woman, and retreats into his man cave. Scarlet says he quit, and she’s very frustrated.
Chuck seems to be doing well, and truly reveling in his newfound gayness.
Richard stops a married woman, whose husband does not seem to see the compliment inherent in Richard’s interest. Frustrated, he refuses to listen to Mindy’s instructions anymore. He tells one woman that she has to give up her number because he’s F.B.I. He screams out to the masses: “Anyone want to give me their phone number? Anyone?” You shoulda seen that line!
Hostboy gathers them for the accounting. It’s a tie for third place—with six numbers each, Richard and Shawn. Six women gave Richard their fake numbers? Amazing what pity will accomplish. In second place…Sexy Bill with ten numbers. Which means our big stud tonight was Gay Chuck with thirteen!! Oh, yeah. Women can’t get enough of those gay guys…because we love a challenge. Straight men are just too easy.
Ready, Aim, FIRE!
It’s almost time for Chuck and Caitlin to make their weighty decision. Who will they send to the elimination room (that’s a really weak name for an elimination room, by the way.)?? Lauren is Caitilin’s close friend and long time ally—and her partner Bill is hawt. But Chuck has a big ol’ crush on Miss Scarlet. What to do, what to do? Of course, they’re sending two couples to the elimination room tonight, but there’s no stress in half of that decision. The first choice goes without saying.
In light of that accepted fact, Richard dresses for the decision-making by tying on a blindfold (under his glasses) and improvising a cigarette, a la the firing squad line up. Somehow, he sees this ensemble as “sticking it” to Chuck.
Scarlet is a little Flirty McFlirtison as decision time approaches, hanging on Chuck like designer-shredded jeans. She claims that she’s not at all leading him on in her attempts to stay in the game. Sure. And you’re all ready to have his Quaker babies, eh?
The three loser couples line up on the stairs, with Richard looking more ridiculous than usual. He believes his garb is wounding Chuck psychologically. O. Kay. Chuck first picks Richard and Mindy, no surprise. His justification speech is basically, “Richard, you’re a freak,” but wordier.
Next is…Bill and Lauren—alliance be damned! Hot Scarlet wants some Chuck, and who is he to deny her? Chuck says that since he did the hardest part of this week’s challenges, he got to make the decision. Caitilin looks pissed.
Hostboy tells them that the elimination tests will be math skills for the girls, and picking-up-women-skills for the men. Wow—that’s not subjective. They all say goodbyes and head off to study math and babeology.
Oddly enough, it seems that Chuck was psychologically wounded by Richard’s little costume choice. Or at least severely annoyed. They exchange a few angry words before Richard heads off to the room of destiny. Richard tells us sending him to elimination was a mistake on Chuck’s part. Oh sure, he may look like a harmless little bunny, but this rodent’s got a mean streak a mile wide! His goals are to 1) survive elimination 2) go back upstairs 3) steal Scarlet from Chuck and then 4) take the money. Aside from goal three, I’d say he’s got a one-in-four chance.
Bill and Lauren are feeling confident. Nooooooooooooo! We all know what that means in Foreshadoweese! And Bill is hawt now! Nooooooooooo!
The girls go first while the men watch on plasmas in another room. The questions are all real stumpers, like “If a guy gives you five dozen roses, how many individual roses would you have?” *shakes head slowly* Mindy does really well, but Lauren can’t multiply three by thirteen or add three two-digit numbers in her head. Three is a bad number for Lauren. This puts Richard up three to one over his much more attractive competition.
Bill’s first question: Who pays for the check on the first date? Bill’s answer: The guy. Right answer: Whoever asked the other out. So, technically he gets it wrong, but for the millions of potential dates in the viewing audience, Bill totally scores.
Richard knows he has to tip 20% to impress a date with his generosity, and that’s it. The game is up. Screech rides again, and my eye candy goes home. Where’s the justice?
We’ve all learned and grown so much…awwww!
Lauren and Bill think they’re both better people now! Lauren has learned that she needs patience, and to not judge books by their covers. Bill has learned to step out of his comfort zone sometimes, and that he needs to take compliments better. (Hey, Bill. You’re hawt. <--good practice for you.)
They hug and feel all full of warm fuzzies. Lauren says, “I’m gonna miss you, Billy boy.” Indeed we will, Billy boy. Indeed we will.
Next week…on B&G
It’s golite adventure racing, baby! By which I mean, our contestants are going to strap big packs on their backs and sleep on the ground and get all stinky and try to move forward faster than the other teams. What’s more, there will be vomiting and ankle twisting! *giddy laughter* See you there!
Are you free tonight or will it cost me? firstname.lastname@example.org