Beauty and the Geek Premier - Ballroom Dancing and a Geography Bee

LG. · 06-03-2005, 04:51 PM

Beauty and the Geek Premier – Ballroom Dancing and a Geography Bee

No one is more surprised than I am to be writing a recap of the premier episode of Beauty and the Geek. Who would have thought that Ashton Kutcher, the “mastermind” behind the insipid Punk’d show (which is essentially Candid Camera without the comedic stylings of the late Alan Funt), would put together a decent reality tv show? I’ve never been a fan of practical jokes since the April 1st in which our bus driver nearly killed all of the kids on our route after some smartass (Travis Brandt, I know it is was you) stood up and yelled “DEER!!!!” and pointed right in front of the bus, causing our driver to slam on the brakes and swerve out of control for no reason other than it was an April Fools Joke. Ha ha ha, you idiot, they didn’t even have seatbelts on those school buses.

Ashton, you’ve redeemed yourself this time. I really enjoyed this show, and enough people did at the FORT that we scrambled to add coverage. I’m happy to give props to Kutcher, as he has done so much to popularize the “tadpole dating” trend. As a thirty-something single mom, I’m all for young guys in their twenties serenading me with choruses of “Stacy’s Mom.”

Pairing Up Without the Benefit Of Alcohol = 4th Grade Sadie Hawkins Dance.

OK, I’ll admit, I had the show on, but I wasn’t paying the strictest of attention. Like I mentioned before, I was not expecting to be recapping this show. Somehow we met seven attractive yet not exceptionally bright young ladies and seven geeky guys. Just like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, only they are the Geek Brothers and the Barbie Brides. Would these people ever “pair up” in real life? Probably not, unless it was the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine?). Let’s say there’s an asteroid heading toward earth and society was forced into making one of those “ethical lifeboat” decisions about which people to save by putting onto a space ship to repopulate the race elsewhere after the earth’s destruction. Maybe the denizens of the Spaceship Lifeboat would resemble this cast, but I for one would hope that the ladies on board would bring more than just big boobs for the future of humanity, as after all, those aren’t necessarily the best “child-bearing hips” we could want for the future of society.

What, you’ve never heard of the Lifeboat Dilemma before? Sorry, I’m just showing off the fruits of my high-falutin’ liberal arts education, lest you mistake me for a member of the “beauty” side of this cast. Nah, I’m bona fide geek, and I’ve dated many a geek, some of which would give Richard a run for his money in the “Revenge of the Nerds” Gilbert look-alike contest. Want proof, here is a picture of me and my old boyfriend back in Grade Eight (and we weren’t nearly as cool as The Barenaked Ladies in Grade Eight, to be sure):

Take, for instance, my former paramour, whom my brothers nicknamed “Stick.” Very sweet guy, very intelligent, very nerdy. Whenever he’d leave our house and get halfway down our mile long driveway towards his car (parked down by the bull-gate which kept the neighbors cows and apparently my boyfriends’ cars’ off of our property), my brothers would release our dogs, a German Shepherd and a huge Golden Retriever, but not until after psyching them up by yelling “fetch the Stick! Get him!” in a manner reminiscent of the “Chopper, sic balls!” scene from Stand by Me. Stick would run like the wind and fly over that bull-gate like a champion athlete, which he was most certainly not. True to geek form, Stick had excellent grades and was the Salutatorian of our high school class. Of course I was the Valedictorian, so I do know a little about the ways of geeks and not just from dating them.

In a way that can only be described as “very junior high” the geeky men are paraded one by one in front of the ladies, who then pick amongst themselves who they want as their partner in their quest to win $250,000 in prize money. I’m having flashbacks of school dances in the high school gymnasium, standing their awkwardly, and not getting picked to dance. Oh wait, that was Sixteen Candles, but I guess it was my life also.

Everyone gets paired up, so let’s meet our competing couples and I’ll tell you all that I really know about them, as this is a mini-recap that I’m doing without any notes on the show. How very un-geek-like of me, so unprepared, but this should kick off our coverage of the series, with better recaps to follow in the future . . . (in the future, Conan . . . . in the year 2000 . . .)

Chuck and Caitilin: Shall We Dance? Mind If I Bleed?

Chuck is a medical student who lives in Philadelphia, and for a medical student you’d think he’d have a better grasp of the science of nosebleed prevention. Can’t you get a medical student discount to get those nostrils cauterized, Chuck, as this is really letting us know why you haven’t been making time with the ladies despite having quite a bit of “Geek Appeal.”

Poor Chuck is gushing like a hydrant during the dancing contest segment, and to her credit Caitilin is trying to spare his shirt from permanent blood stains, as she’s a protector of fashion. Much to Chuck’s horror, Caitilin is willing to come in contact with a potentially hazardous substance just to keep his wash and wear shirt from falling victim to a nasty stain. Caitilin is an “Aspiring Fashion Expert” which I can only understand to mean she reads (or looks at, as reading is an assumption on my part) a lot of Cosmo and Vogue. Maybe she aspires to have a Louis Vitton handbag in which to carry a teacup sized Chihuahua like Paris and Britney. Caitilin the horse racing fan might name her teacup puppy Seabiscuit, after that famous movie about horseracing. I’m not sure exactly how one pays the bills being an “aspiring fashion expert” but wouldn’t that be the life, declaring what is “hot” for all of the fashionistas to flock after next. Drinking with Donatella Versace, well, both of you drinking at the same time, but I doubt scrawny little Caitilin could really keep up with a pro like Donatella.

For everyone all over his case for not knowing the Philly NBA team franchise, let’s remember, he’s not a Philly native. The boy is from Iowa, where they don’t have any top league professional sports teams. Now if the question had been “which brand of tractors use green paint” he’d be all over that faster than you can say “Nothing rides like a Deere, especially your hopeless Case” and laugh like he’d think you’d find it funny. Which you wouldn’t. Unless you were born in Iowa, like I was (and Ashton Kutcher, coincidentally), and then you’d nod, knowingly, and understand why the rest of the country openly mocks Iowa. Those urban geeks and their “my school had a chess club” have got nothing on the rural geeks, who didn’t have the advantage of college placement classes in their high schools and had to find other ways to geek-i-fy their high school careers, like excelling at soil judging (or milk tasting, for my Napolean Dynomite buddies) or my personal venue, band. One time at band camp . . .

Richard and Mindi: Why Would A Perfectionist Wear Those Pants?

Let’s meet Richard, a guy who has some folks at the FORT wondering whether he’s a plant on the show because he’s such a stereotypical geek. He's got the coke bottle glasses and the extreme skinniness of someone who became so engrossed in calculating pi to the 1 millionth decimal that he forgot to eat for an entire year. We are shocked to learn that Richard has never kissed a girl. No we're not, especially when we find out that Richard is saving himself for someone very special, as he’s "looking for a girl with Marilyn Monroe's looks and Albert Einstein's brains." Well you have to watch out for those types of ladies, Richard, as I seem to recall the Marie Curie was quite the hottie, but she pretty much took out her whole family with radiation poisoning from her scientific experiments. She’s so hot, she’s radioactive.

These two work well together, as they won both of the talent challenges. Richard somehow won the dance challenge despite exhibiting extremely hissy behavior over a flaw in their routine. Chill baby, it’s all good, you were the dance champion, and the “this show is fixed to keep Richard around” conspiracies start to surface. Because of their two challenge victories, they were solely responsible for picking the two teams which needed to compete to avoid elimination. They realized the potential adverse consequences of this choice, as one of these teams will still be around and not happy that Richard and Mindi had tried taking them out. Ooooh, the drama builds just like on Paradise Hotel when no-one quite understood the elimination rules, but everyone was duly afraid of Toni and her insane eyes that popped right out of her head.

Mindi, oh Mindi, you’re not giving us much to work with here, as Sorority Girl is not actually a job, it’s an attitude. We’re from Delta Delta Delta can we help ya help ya help ya? I’m guessing that Mindi was named after Pam Dawber’s character from Mork and Mindy, and wonder if she has a twin brother named Mork. Probably not, but wouldn’t that be a fun thing to do to your twin babies? Like the old joke about the couple who were expecting twins were in an accident when their twin babies were born via emergency surgery while the parents were both unconscious. According to local law, the babies had to be named within an hour of birth, so the nearest relative, Uncle Bob was called upon to name the babies. The poor parents wake up to find out that not only are their babies born early, but that Uncle Bob has named them.

Father: Bob, what did you name the girl?
Uncle Bob: Denise.
Mother: Oh that’s a nice name, good job Bob. And what did you name the boy?
Uncle Bob: Denephew.

Bill and Lauren: Just a Good Ole Boy, Enos Meets Daisy Duke

In a rather mean-spirited bit of editing, and selective memory on my part, all I can remember about Bill is that he is a 29 year old virgin, and how that makes him the Enos character on the Dukes of Hazzard. Apparently despite having a spin-off, Enos wasn’t really making time with the ladies after a night at the Hogs Nest. Heck, even Roscoe P. Coaltrain had better luck with the ladies than Enos, and Cooter, grease-covered Cooter, why in tarnation can’t a law abiding man in uniform with nice broad shoulders like Enos get some loving in Hazzard County. It’s because he’s a raging nerd, and so is Bill, apparently.

Lauren is not a nerd. She models lingerie as she aspires to be an “on air personality” and has moved to California to pursue that dream. She has some of the darkest roots I’ve ever seen on TV, so if Lauren wins the prize money hopefully she can afford some touch-up hair dye as that may help her quest to look pretty for a living. Oh wait, I’m out of the fashion loop, I hadn’t realized that reverse skunk sheik is all the rage now in fashion.

Bill is the oldest contestant on the show, as he’s probably the only one who remembers when the Dukes of Hazzard was even airing on regular TV. I can remember, Bill, and while fun and campy, it wasn’t that great. Really. Even the guy from my hometown who painted his 1978 Ford Pinto bright orange with the Dixie flag on the hood so it would look like the General Lee has probably replaced that car by now. I haven’t been back that way in a while, though, so I’m not sure. If not, the producers of this show should go to my hometown before casting the next season, as I’ll lay money that the owner (and you know who you are) is an even older male virgin than Bill.

Shawn and Scarlet: The Boy Scout and the Beer Pusher

Shawn is an overgrown Boy Scout who was recruited for the show while sitting at the Mensa booth at the Minnesota State Fair. OK, I’ve been to the Minnesota State Fair. In fact, I was there last year. I don’t remember seeing a Mensa booth. Perhaps I was distracted by the “all you can drink milk booth” or the huge variety of foods that you can buy on a stick (including walleye and deep fried Snickers bars on sticks), but really, why on earth would Mensa be recruiting for members, and even if they do, the state fair? The Minnesota State Fair, where more people per capita are driving around in little carts because they’re just too plain fat to walk than anywhere else in the planet? Unless the Mensa admission test is skewed to favor people who pull their vowels like the folks in the movie Fargo, “yaaaaa, suuuuuure, yoooooouuuuu betchaaaaa!” I can’t see how that would be an efficient recruiting strategy.

Scarlet is a beer spokesmodel. Remember the crappy modeling gigs that Gabrielle took on Desperate Housewives while Carlos was in jail? Yeah, we’re not talking the life of a glamorous supermodel here. In other words, she’s part of the Bud Party Crew or whichever brand of swill is paying her to show up at bars and run promotions during televised sporting events like the half-time Bud Bowl that another FORT writer (shout out to Shazzer – WOOT WOOT!) and I encountered in a trip to a local bar during the NFL playoffs last year. We both got sparkly beer-branded necklaces. Woo Hoo. Meanwhile Scarlet and her counterparts were setting up the event, wearing tight clothes, and encouraging us to drink their brand of beer, which we didn’t. Oh heck no. I’ll wear your sparking light-up beer necklace that you’re giving me for free so I can ‘look cool’ while I’m out watching the game, but I’m a Wisconsin girl and I don’t drink Bud. Ever. Somebody at Miller reading this recap, make me a job offer, I’ll be loyal, I swear. You’ll never have to fire me for drinking Bud or Coors.

Brad and Krystal: When is a Geek Not Particularly Geeky? Can You Make Change?

Brad is a bank teller who is going to start business school at Georgia Tech this fall. He’s too darn non-dorky to really be a geek, even if he is a Mensa member. Maybe he got recruited for Mensa at the Mississippi State Fair. Erika has decided that Brad has “geek appeal” and she’s wants Brad to wrap up her spare change into neat little rolls of quarters and pennies. She wants Brad to balance her checkbook to the penny. She wants Brad, oh heck, I have no idea why Erika has decided to glom on to this guy who isn’t even her partner in this contest in which she should be spending time with Joe to increase their chances of winning $250,000, but perhaps Brad has convinced her that it is really only $25, hardly enough for her to buy new outfits for her dog Skipper. Note to Erika, Skipper is a person, not a dog, in Barbie-world. Oh well. Reminds me of the bank teller who told me that they had a sale on quarters: three for a dollar.

Krystal is an NBA dancer and lives in Philly. She probably dances for the same team that Chuck had no clue about. She’s also a make-up artist. Apparently she doesn’t mind sharing space with Brad and another woman, as we had no indication of what Krystal did while Erika was over demonstrating her Barbie-ness to Brad.

Look on the bright side folks. If Brad and Erika actually hook up, they can sell the rights to having their wedding televised and name the event: My Big Fat Geek(y) Wedding. But I’d only watch it if they could get John Corbett to star as Brad, as he’s not really doing that much for me personally.

Joe and Erika: Sorry, I’ve Been Too Busy Learning Geography and U.S. History to Read Vogue

Joe is an English major at the University of Chicago who writes parodies and rap songs for fun. He sounds like my kind of guy, as I was an English major and like to write silly recaps. At least I hope they are silly. I think Joe and I could see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues. And literally eye-to-eye, as I think he’s about my height too. Not that there isn’t anything wrong with that.

Erika thinks she’s a life sized Barbie doll, which is an anatomical impossibility, as a real person would not be able to stand erect if she had Barbie-proportioned waist and chest. She claims to enjoy “arts and crafts” night with her girlfriends, which consists of eating, drinking and male bashing. I’ve done plenty of male-bashing in my lifetime, but not all of it was artfully done. You have to be truly inspired and make connections to universal themes to really make art of relationship talk, like “Girl, don’t go away mad, just go away . . .” No, really Erika, go on over to Brad’s room. Joe hasn’t had a date in his entire life, he’s not going to miss you too much. Joe, buddy, I love your Blog, by the way. Hopefully your date-book is filling with lots of dates with the ladies.

Erika jumped all over Joe when he didn’t know that Vogue was the Madonna song which is also the name of a dance and a fashion magazine. I think Erika didn’t give Joe nearly enough credit for actually being hip to the hip-hop and correctly answering Outkast. Shoot, Joe really deserved extra credit for knowing that Andre 3000 was the songwriter. Back to “Like a Virgin,” Joe’s answer to the Madonna question, one wonders exactly why that song was on his mind. Perhaps Erika will be thinking “Papa Don’t Preach” if Joe actually ever calls her on her completely unnecessary late-night extra-curricular “studying” that she’s doing with Brad. Erika felt compelled to really rub Joe’s nose in it that she spent the night with Brad instead of Joe by repeatedly asking him if people were talking about her. I guess Erika thinks that if you say something enough times, it will be true.

The big question for next week, will Joe and Erika be able to exact revenge on Richard and Mindi for setting them up for elimination? Will Joe attempt to snap Richard in half like a twig, and will that result in a “Geek Fight!” out in the parking lot outside of school at 3:00? Will Erika stop looking at Brad long enough to realize that Mindi tried to get her booted from the show. Perhaps Mindi is after Brad also. Oh, the drama. Cat Fight on the left, Geek Fight on the right, it’s at least a two ring circus.

Erik and Cheryl: So Long, It’s Been Good To Know Ya!

Take a quick look at Erik and Cheryl, as they are already gone. It’s too bad, as I think this show will be popular enough that we didn’t need to push one of the seven couples out the door in the very first episode. I personally would prefer not having eliminations based on voting or couple’s picking, but rather based on scores for the teams learning from each other. Alas, this isn’t College Bowl. Or one of my other favorite game shows, The Question is Moot (from Saturday Night Live). We need more drama than allowed in cumulative points eliminations I guess.

Erik is a computer guy in Oregon, and Cheryl lives in Texas and is a student. Conspiracy theorists (and apparently every reality TV has some these days) were labeling Erik as a ‘ringer’ due to his non-geeky appearance, yet he’s the first man eliminated, so I think that disputes the theory that it is all set-up from the start. Why wouldn’t they keep their fake-geek hero around for more than one episode?

Erik and Cheryl seemed nice enough, but Cheryl had some absolutely atrocious answers to the trivia questions that lead to their early departure from the show. Hoover was the President of the United States during the Civil War, which featured the battle of D-Day? Oh my. It was really rather embarrassing. Erik tried to save his team, but couldn’t surpass Joe’s knowledge of hip hop to make up for the deficit from Cheryl’s answers.

Those questions were really too easy, yet, people didn’t know. Reminds me of the trivia questions they used to ask at the end on the old show Dog Eat Dog (which I used to recap), only not as hard. Dog Eat Dog was hosted by Brooke Burns, who dated Bruce Willis, who used to be married to Demi Moore, who is dating Ashton Kutcher, who produced this show . . . OMG, did I just blow your mind? Conspiracy theorist will be dissecting that one for days. Expect a flow-chart website soon.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this introduction to Beauty and the Geek, and a short little trip through my own life as both a geeky girl and former geek dater. You can email me at lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m and be sure to tune in next week for our recap as phat32 will be handling Episode Two.

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Mantenna · 06-03-2005, 05:42 PM

LG, I cannot get enough of your recaps--they are an absolute delight to read. You rule!

Wonderful, hysterically work on a show that was already very funny.

You know, you're so funny, I could have quoted the whole thing, but that would be rather redundant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LG-licious

Just like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, only they are the Geek Brothers and the Barbie Brides. Would these people ever “pair up” in real life? Probably not, unless it was the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine?).

Stick would run like the wind and fly over that bull-gate like a champion athlete, which he was most certainly not.

Chuck is a medical student who lives in Philadelphia, and for a medical student you’d think he’d have a better grasp of the science of nosebleed prevention.

Caitilin is an “Aspiring Fashion Expert” which I can only understand to mean she reads (or looks at, as reading is an assumption on my part) a lot of Cosmo and Vogue.

Caitilin the horse racing fan might name her teacup puppy Seabiscuit, after that famous movie about horseracing.

He's got the coke bottle glasses and the extreme skinniness of someone who became so engrossed in calculating pi to the 1 millionth decimal that he forgot to eat for an entire year.

She claims to enjoy “arts and crafts” night with her girlfriends, which consists of eating, drinking and male bashing.

Dog Eat Dog was hosted by Brooke Burns, who dated Bruce Willis, who used to be married to Demi Moore, who is dating Ashton Kutcher, who produced this show . . . OMG, did I just blow your mind? Conspiracy theorist will be dissecting that one for days. Expect a flow-chart website soon.

JLuvs · 06-03-2005, 06:02 PM

Thank you so much for recapping this show

SeagullCrap · 06-03-2005, 06:11 PM

Thanks for the recap! What a fun read.

Just to pick a nit:

Quote:

In a way that can only be described as “very junior high” the geeky men are paraded one by one in front of the ladies, who then pick amongst themselves who they want as their partner in their quest to win $250,000 in prize money.

This actually went both ways, after the guy went, they sent a beauty in to the room of geeks so she could judge them all at once.

psucashcow · 06-03-2005, 07:26 PM

I'm glad you recapped too L.G., but people should cut Chuck a break about not knowing the 76ers....He was first into the den of women so therefore he was not privy to hearing Krystal announce her career since she was second out of the chute.

LG. · 06-03-2005, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by psucashcow

I'm glad you recapped too L.G., but people should cut Chuck a break about not knowing the 76ers....He was first into the den of women so therefore he was not privy to hearing Krystal announce her career since she was second out of the chute.

Actually, I DID cut Chuck a break.

Quote:

Originally Posted by from the recap

For everyone all over his case for not knowing the Philly NBA team franchise, let’s remember, he’s not a Philly native. The boy is from Iowa, where they don’t have any top league professional sports teams.

I pointed out that he wasn't from Philly, just living there now, and now he's working long hours, so likely not watching too much local sports on tv.

LG. · 06-03-2005, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeagullCrap

Thanks for the recap! What a fun read.

Just to pick a nit:
This actually went both ways, after the guy went, they sent a beauty in to the room of geeks so she could judge them all at once.

now that part, I totally missed, as I was only half watching the show, not realizing I was going to be called upon to recap it. Thanks for the info.

karen14 · 06-03-2005, 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LG.

Probably not, unless it was the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine?).

I got it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LG.

Caitilin is an “Aspiring Fashion Expert” which I can only understand to mean she reads (or looks at, as reading is an assumption on my part) a lot of Cosmo and Vogue.

Very very funny!!

Toby · 06-03-2005, 10:29 PM

LOL, great recap! Too funny...

LiteWeightLiz · 06-04-2005, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LG.

Maybe the denizens of the Spaceship Lifeboat would resemble this cast, but I for one would hope that the ladies on board would bring more than just big boobs for the future of humanity, as after all, those aren’t necessarily the best “child-bearing hips” we could want for the future of society.

Touche', LG, from a "hippy" baby machine!

(Many thanks for that hilarious re-cap!)

06-03-2005, 04:51 PM	#1
LG. FORT Fogey Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: frozen tundra Posts: 13,834	Beauty and the Geek Premier - Ballroom Dancing and a Geography Bee Beauty and the Geek Premier – Ballroom Dancing and a Geography Bee No one is more surprised than I am to be writing a recap of the premier episode of Beauty and the Geek. Who would have thought that Ashton Kutcher, the “mastermind” behind the insipid Punk’d show (which is essentially Candid Camera without the comedic stylings of the late Alan Funt), would put together a decent reality tv show? I’ve never been a fan of practical jokes since the April 1st in which our bus driver nearly killed all of the kids on our route after some smartass (Travis Brandt, I know it is was you) stood up and yelled “DEER!!!!” and pointed right in front of the bus, causing our driver to slam on the brakes and swerve out of control for no reason other than it was an April Fools Joke. Ha ha ha, you idiot, they didn’t even have seatbelts on those school buses. Ashton, you’ve redeemed yourself this time. I really enjoyed this show, and enough people did at the FORT that we scrambled to add coverage. I’m happy to give props to Kutcher, as he has done so much to popularize the “tadpole dating” trend. As a thirty-something single mom, I’m all for young guys in their twenties serenading me with choruses of “Stacy’s Mom.” Pairing Up Without the Benefit Of Alcohol = 4th Grade Sadie Hawkins Dance. OK, I’ll admit, I had the show on, but I wasn’t paying the strictest of attention. Like I mentioned before, I was not expecting to be recapping this show. Somehow we met seven attractive yet not exceptionally bright young ladies and seven geeky guys. Just like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, only they are the Geek Brothers and the Barbie Brides. Would these people ever “pair up” in real life? Probably not, unless it was the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine?). Let’s say there’s an asteroid heading toward earth and society was forced into making one of those “ethical lifeboat” decisions about which people to save by putting onto a space ship to repopulate the race elsewhere after the earth’s destruction. Maybe the denizens of the Spaceship Lifeboat would resemble this cast, but I for one would hope that the ladies on board would bring more than just big boobs for the future of humanity, as after all, those aren’t necessarily the best “child-bearing hips” we could want for the future of society. What, you’ve never heard of the Lifeboat Dilemma before? Sorry, I’m just showing off the fruits of my high-falutin’ liberal arts education, lest you mistake me for a member of the “beauty” side of this cast. Nah, I’m bona fide geek, and I’ve dated many a geek, some of which would give Richard a run for his money in the “Revenge of the Nerds” Gilbert look-alike contest. Want proof, here is a picture of me and my old boyfriend back in Grade Eight (and we weren’t nearly as cool as The Barenaked Ladies in Grade Eight, to be sure): Take, for instance, my former paramour, whom my brothers nicknamed “Stick.” Very sweet guy, very intelligent, very nerdy. Whenever he’d leave our house and get halfway down our mile long driveway towards his car (parked down by the bull-gate which kept the neighbors cows and apparently my boyfriends’ cars’ off of our property), my brothers would release our dogs, a German Shepherd and a huge Golden Retriever, but not until after psyching them up by yelling “fetch the Stick! Get him!” in a manner reminiscent of the “Chopper, sic balls!” scene from Stand by Me. Stick would run like the wind and fly over that bull-gate like a champion athlete, which he was most certainly not. True to geek form, Stick had excellent grades and was the Salutatorian of our high school class. Of course I was the Valedictorian, so I do know a little about the ways of geeks and not just from dating them. In a way that can only be described as “very junior high” the geeky men are paraded one by one in front of the ladies, who then pick amongst themselves who they want as their partner in their quest to win $250,000 in prize money. I’m having flashbacks of school dances in the high school gymnasium, standing their awkwardly, and not getting picked to dance. Oh wait, that was Sixteen Candles, but I guess it was my life also. Everyone gets paired up, so let’s meet our competing couples and I’ll tell you all that I really know about them, as this is a mini-recap that I’m doing without any notes on the show. How very un-geek-like of me, so unprepared, but this should kick off our coverage of the series, with better recaps to follow in the future . . . (in the future, Conan . . . . in the year 2000 . . .) Chuck and Caitilin: Shall We Dance? Mind If I Bleed? Chuck is a medical student who lives in Philadelphia, and for a medical student you’d think he’d have a better grasp of the science of nosebleed prevention. Can’t you get a medical student discount to get those nostrils cauterized, Chuck, as this is really letting us know why you haven’t been making time with the ladies despite having quite a bit of “Geek Appeal.” Poor Chuck is gushing like a hydrant during the dancing contest segment, and to her credit Caitilin is trying to spare his shirt from permanent blood stains, as she’s a protector of fashion. Much to Chuck’s horror, Caitilin is willing to come in contact with a potentially hazardous substance just to keep his wash and wear shirt from falling victim to a nasty stain. Caitilin is an “Aspiring Fashion Expert” which I can only understand to mean she reads (or looks at, as reading is an assumption on my part) a lot of Cosmo and Vogue. Maybe she aspires to have a Louis Vitton handbag in which to carry a teacup sized Chihuahua like Paris and Britney. Caitilin the horse racing fan might name her teacup puppy Seabiscuit, after that famous movie about horseracing. I’m not sure exactly how one pays the bills being an “aspiring fashion expert” but wouldn’t that be the life, declaring what is “hot” for all of the fashionistas to flock after next. Drinking with Donatella Versace, well, both of you drinking at the same time, but I doubt scrawny little Caitilin could really keep up with a pro like Donatella. For everyone all over his case for not knowing the Philly NBA team franchise, let’s remember, he’s not a Philly native. The boy is from Iowa, where they don’t have any top league professional sports teams. Now if the question had been “which brand of tractors use green paint” he’d be all over that faster than you can say “Nothing rides like a Deere, especially your hopeless Case” and laugh like he’d think you’d find it funny. Which you wouldn’t. Unless you were born in Iowa, like I was (and Ashton Kutcher, coincidentally), and then you’d nod, knowingly, and understand why the rest of the country openly mocks Iowa. Those urban geeks and their “my school had a chess club” have got nothing on the rural geeks, who didn’t have the advantage of college placement classes in their high schools and had to find other ways to geek-i-fy their high school careers, like excelling at soil judging (or milk tasting, for my Napolean Dynomite buddies) or my personal venue, band. One time at band camp . . . Richard and Mindi: Why Would A Perfectionist Wear Those Pants? Let’s meet Richard, a guy who has some folks at the FORT wondering whether he’s a plant on the show because he’s such a stereotypical geek. He's got the coke bottle glasses and the extreme skinniness of someone who became so engrossed in calculating pi to the 1 millionth decimal that he forgot to eat for an entire year. We are shocked to learn that Richard has never kissed a girl. No we're not, especially when we find out that Richard is saving himself for someone very special, as he’s "looking for a girl with Marilyn Monroe's looks and Albert Einstein's brains." Well you have to watch out for those types of ladies, Richard, as I seem to recall the Marie Curie was quite the hottie, but she pretty much took out her whole family with radiation poisoning from her scientific experiments. She’s so hot, she’s radioactive. These two work well together, as they won both of the talent challenges. Richard somehow won the dance challenge despite exhibiting extremely hissy behavior over a flaw in their routine. Chill baby, it’s all good, you were the dance champion, and the “this show is fixed to keep Richard around” conspiracies start to surface. Because of their two challenge victories, they were solely responsible for picking the two teams which needed to compete to avoid elimination. They realized the potential adverse consequences of this choice, as one of these teams will still be around and not happy that Richard and Mindi had tried taking them out. Ooooh, the drama builds just like on Paradise Hotel when no-one quite understood the elimination rules, but everyone was duly afraid of Toni and her insane eyes that popped right out of her head. Mindi, oh Mindi, you’re not giving us much to work with here, as Sorority Girl is not actually a job, it’s an attitude. We’re from Delta Delta Delta can we help ya help ya help ya? I’m guessing that Mindi was named after Pam Dawber’s character from Mork and Mindy, and wonder if she has a twin brother named Mork. Probably not, but wouldn’t that be a fun thing to do to your twin babies? Like the old joke about the couple who were expecting twins were in an accident when their twin babies were born via emergency surgery while the parents were both unconscious. According to local law, the babies had to be named within an hour of birth, so the nearest relative, Uncle Bob was called upon to name the babies. The poor parents wake up to find out that not only are their babies born early, but that Uncle Bob has named them. Father: Bob, what did you name the girl? Uncle Bob: Denise. Mother: Oh that’s a nice name, good job Bob. And what did you name the boy? Uncle Bob: Denephew. Bill and Lauren: Just a Good Ole Boy, Enos Meets Daisy Duke In a rather mean-spirited bit of editing, and selective memory on my part, all I can remember about Bill is that he is a 29 year old virgin, and how that makes him the Enos character on the Dukes of Hazzard. Apparently despite having a spin-off, Enos wasn’t really making time with the ladies after a night at the Hogs Nest. Heck, even Roscoe P. Coaltrain had better luck with the ladies than Enos, and Cooter, grease-covered Cooter, why in tarnation can’t a law abiding man in uniform with nice broad shoulders like Enos get some loving in Hazzard County. It’s because he’s a raging nerd, and so is Bill, apparently. Lauren is not a nerd. She models lingerie as she aspires to be an “on air personality” and has moved to California to pursue that dream. She has some of the darkest roots I’ve ever seen on TV, so if Lauren wins the prize money hopefully she can afford some touch-up hair dye as that may help her quest to look pretty for a living. Oh wait, I’m out of the fashion loop, I hadn’t realized that reverse skunk sheik is all the rage now in fashion. Bill is the oldest contestant on the show, as he’s probably the only one who remembers when the Dukes of Hazzard was even airing on regular TV. I can remember, Bill, and while fun and campy, it wasn’t that great. Really. Even the guy from my hometown who painted his 1978 Ford Pinto bright orange with the Dixie flag on the hood so it would look like the General Lee has probably replaced that car by now. I haven’t been back that way in a while, though, so I’m not sure. If not, the producers of this show should go to my hometown before casting the next season, as I’ll lay money that the owner (and you know who you are) is an even older male virgin than Bill. Shawn and Scarlet: The Boy Scout and the Beer Pusher Shawn is an overgrown Boy Scout who was recruited for the show while sitting at the Mensa booth at the Minnesota State Fair. OK, I’ve been to the Minnesota State Fair. In fact, I was there last year. I don’t remember seeing a Mensa booth. Perhaps I was distracted by the “all you can drink milk booth” or the huge variety of foods that you can buy on a stick (including walleye and deep fried Snickers bars on sticks), but really, why on earth would Mensa be recruiting for members, and even if they do, the state fair? The Minnesota State Fair, where more people per capita are driving around in little carts because they’re just too plain fat to walk than anywhere else in the planet? Unless the Mensa admission test is skewed to favor people who pull their vowels like the folks in the movie Fargo, “yaaaaa, suuuuuure, yoooooouuuuu betchaaaaa!” I can’t see how that would be an efficient recruiting strategy. Scarlet is a beer spokesmodel. Remember the crappy modeling gigs that Gabrielle took on Desperate Housewives while Carlos was in jail? Yeah, we’re not talking the life of a glamorous supermodel here. In other words, she’s part of the Bud Party Crew or whichever brand of swill is paying her to show up at bars and run promotions during televised sporting events like the half-time Bud Bowl that another FORT writer (shout out to Shazzer – WOOT WOOT!) and I encountered in a trip to a local bar during the NFL playoffs last year. We both got sparkly beer-branded necklaces. Woo Hoo. Meanwhile Scarlet and her counterparts were setting up the event, wearing tight clothes, and encouraging us to drink their brand of beer, which we didn’t. Oh heck no. I’ll wear your sparking light-up beer necklace that you’re giving me for free so I can ‘look cool’ while I’m out watching the game, but I’m a Wisconsin girl and I don’t drink Bud. Ever. Somebody at Miller reading this recap, make me a job offer, I’ll be loyal, I swear. You’ll never have to fire me for drinking Bud or Coors. Brad and Krystal: When is a Geek Not Particularly Geeky? Can You Make Change? Brad is a bank teller who is going to start business school at Georgia Tech this fall. He’s too darn non-dorky to really be a geek, even if he is a Mensa member. Maybe he got recruited for Mensa at the Mississippi State Fair. Erika has decided that Brad has “geek appeal” and she’s wants Brad to wrap up her spare change into neat little rolls of quarters and pennies. She wants Brad to balance her checkbook to the penny. She wants Brad, oh heck, I have no idea why Erika has decided to glom on to this guy who isn’t even her partner in this contest in which she should be spending time with Joe to increase their chances of winning $250,000, but perhaps Brad has convinced her that it is really only $25, hardly enough for her to buy new outfits for her dog Skipper. Note to Erika, Skipper is a person, not a dog, in Barbie-world. Oh well. Reminds me of the bank teller who told me that they had a sale on quarters: three for a dollar. Krystal is an NBA dancer and lives in Philly. She probably dances for the same team that Chuck had no clue about. She’s also a make-up artist. Apparently she doesn’t mind sharing space with Brad and another woman, as we had no indication of what Krystal did while Erika was over demonstrating her Barbie-ness to Brad. Look on the bright side folks. If Brad and Erika actually hook up, they can sell the rights to having their wedding televised and name the event: My Big Fat Geek(y) Wedding. But I’d only watch it if they could get John Corbett to star as Brad, as he’s not really doing that much for me personally. Joe and Erika: Sorry, I’ve Been Too Busy Learning Geography and U.S. History to Read Vogue Joe is an English major at the University of Chicago who writes parodies and rap songs for fun. He sounds like my kind of guy, as I was an English major and like to write silly recaps. At least I hope they are silly. I think Joe and I could see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues. And literally eye-to-eye, as I think he’s about my height too. Not that there isn’t anything wrong with that. Erika thinks she’s a life sized Barbie doll, which is an anatomical impossibility, as a real person would not be able to stand erect if she had Barbie-proportioned waist and chest. She claims to enjoy “arts and crafts” night with her girlfriends, which consists of eating, drinking and male bashing. I’ve done plenty of male-bashing in my lifetime, but not all of it was artfully done. You have to be truly inspired and make connections to universal themes to really make art of relationship talk, like “Girl, don’t go away mad, just go away . . .” No, really Erika, go on over to Brad’s room. Joe hasn’t had a date in his entire life, he’s not going to miss you too much. Joe, buddy, I love your Blog, by the way. Hopefully your date-book is filling with lots of dates with the ladies. Erika jumped all over Joe when he didn’t know that Vogue was the Madonna song which is also the name of a dance and a fashion magazine. I think Erika didn’t give Joe nearly enough credit for actually being hip to the hip-hop and correctly answering Outkast. Shoot, Joe really deserved extra credit for knowing that Andre 3000 was the songwriter. Back to “Like a Virgin,” Joe’s answer to the Madonna question, one wonders exactly why that song was on his mind. Perhaps Erika will be thinking “Papa Don’t Preach” if Joe actually ever calls her on her completely unnecessary late-night extra-curricular “studying” that she’s doing with Brad. Erika felt compelled to really rub Joe’s nose in it that she spent the night with Brad instead of Joe by repeatedly asking him if people were talking about her. I guess Erika thinks that if you say something enough times, it will be true. The big question for next week, will Joe and Erika be able to exact revenge on Richard and Mindi for setting them up for elimination? Will Joe attempt to snap Richard in half like a twig, and will that result in a “Geek Fight!” out in the parking lot outside of school at 3:00? Will Erika stop looking at Brad long enough to realize that Mindi tried to get her booted from the show. Perhaps Mindi is after Brad also. Oh, the drama. Cat Fight on the left, Geek Fight on the right, it’s at least a two ring circus. Erik and Cheryl: So Long, It’s Been Good To Know Ya! Take a quick look at Erik and Cheryl, as they are already gone. It’s too bad, as I think this show will be popular enough that we didn’t need to push one of the seven couples out the door in the very first episode. I personally would prefer not having eliminations based on voting or couple’s picking, but rather based on scores for the teams learning from each other. Alas, this isn’t College Bowl. Or one of my other favorite game shows, The Question is Moot (from Saturday Night Live). We need more drama than allowed in cumulative points eliminations I guess. Erik is a computer guy in Oregon, and Cheryl lives in Texas and is a student. Conspiracy theorists (and apparently every reality TV has some these days) were labeling Erik as a ‘ringer’ due to his non-geeky appearance, yet he’s the first man eliminated, so I think that disputes the theory that it is all set-up from the start. Why wouldn’t they keep their fake-geek hero around for more than one episode? Erik and Cheryl seemed nice enough, but Cheryl had some absolutely atrocious answers to the trivia questions that lead to their early departure from the show. Hoover was the President of the United States during the Civil War, which featured the battle of D-Day? Oh my. It was really rather embarrassing. Erik tried to save his team, but couldn’t surpass Joe’s knowledge of hip hop to make up for the deficit from Cheryl’s answers. Those questions were really too easy, yet, people didn’t know. Reminds me of the trivia questions they used to ask at the end on the old show Dog Eat Dog (which I used to recap), only not as hard. Dog Eat Dog was hosted by Brooke Burns, who dated Bruce Willis, who used to be married to Demi Moore, who is dating Ashton Kutcher, who produced this show . . . OMG, did I just blow your mind? Conspiracy theorist will be dissecting that one for days. Expect a flow-chart website soon. I hope you’ve enjoyed this introduction to Beauty and the Geek, and a short little trip through my own life as both a geeky girl and former geek dater. You can email me at lurkinggirl@fansofrealitytv.co m and be sure to tune in next week for our recap as phat32 will be handling Episode Two. __________________ Signature line? We don't need no stinkin' signature line. Last edited by LG.; 06-27-2005 at 02:21 PM.

06-03-2005, 06:02 PM	#3
JLuvs RENThead Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Commuting for Work Posts: 4,584	Thank you so much for recapping this show __________________ Whenever you see darkness, there is extraordinary opportunity for the light to burn brighter. -Bono

06-03-2005, 07:26 PM	#5
psucashcow FORT Fogey Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Pennsylvania ...Is it Spring yet? Posts: 1,933	I'm glad you recapped too L.G., but people should cut Chuck a break about not knowing the 76ers....He was first into the den of women so therefore he was not privy to hearing Krystal announce her career since she was second out of the chute. __________________ Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day---Harry S. Truman

06-03-2005, 10:29 PM	#9
Toby FORT Fogey Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Virginia Age: 28 Posts: 1,281	LOL, great recap! Too funny... __________________ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin.