Battle of the Network Reality Stars 9/14 Recap – What The Hell Am I Watching Anyway?
I was watching this week’s BotNRS, and I started thinking…Gee, reality TV contestants have spawned their own little D-list celebrity universe. On the one hand, it’s just a quirky little niche of the television market, but on the other, it’s completely bizarre and creepy what these people have been able to do. Here is this group of people with one commonality—appearances on cheesy, unscripted television, some of them big prize winners(who most likely have squandered their winnings, and need another quick fix of cash—I’m looking at you Hatch. Tax evasion? That’s gotta cost a pretty penny in legal fees alone), and others who simply made pretty good television. Some of them get together, chat with some producers, and voila! More work for celebrity wannabes. Am I nuts to think this is wacked? But what I am most curious about is this….Do you think Vegas has odds on Team Underdog winning? Yeah, it’s getting late, I still have to pack for FORTcon, and this recap ain’t gonna write itself. So let’s git ‘r done!
Let’s Go To The Locker Rooms!
Good ole’ Mike Adamle is kind enough to clue everyone in on what’s been goin’ down in Realityville lately, and tells everyone that whichever team wins this weeks competitions will automatically be in next week’s final showdown. This weeks events are The Roller Skate Derby, The Super High Jump, and The Kayak Race. And it’s off to the locker rooms!
Team Miz(Dark Blue)
Richard Hatch, Ryan Starr, Heidi Bressler, Valerie Penso, Burton Roberts, and Mike The Miz. Whatever that means.
Matt Gould, Susan Hawk, Dr. Will Kirby, Chip and Kim, and Theo with the last name I won’t type.
Team Underdog(Light Blue)
Nikki McKibbin, Brian Worth, Rachel Love Fraser, Bradford Cohen, Mirna Hindoyan, and Adam Mesh. Mirna looks great. The others all look the same as they did when they were almost famous.
Roller Derby With A Decidedly Dull Twist
Today’s first event is the Roller Skate Derby. No, this isn’t buff yet strangely hot women circling a rink and whipping each other into the rails or other skaters. No, this is relay laps around an obstacle course for old school skates. Skating for Team Chip is Matt Gould, Kim, Dr. Will, and Susan Hawk. For Team Underdog it’s Adam Mesh, Rachel Loves Frasier, Brian Worth, and Nikki Idol-wannabe. Finally, Team Miz skates Burton Roberts, Valerie Penso, Hatch, and Ryan Starr…a cagey veteran of roller derby of some sort who even brings her own skates with her when she travels. Creepy!
Loretta Swit, a long time ago participant in this particular event way back when will pull the trigger on the start gun, and the teams are off. First the skaters encounter the 2x4s laid across the course. They have to jump them in succession. Next, they have to duck under some crazy tarp setup. That’s a friggin’ obstacle? Come on! Finally, they have to navigate some sandbags that look like they were just randomly tossed on the course. Please! Each member of each team must navigate the course for 2 laps. With Ryan’s total expertise at skating, she smokes everyone, and Team Miz takes the event. 2nd place goes to Chip’s team, and Team Underdog brings up the rear.
The Not-So-Super High Jump
The next event involves a diving board, a couple of innertubes, and a crude high bar set up in front of the board. The contestants must dive off of the diving board and over the bar that is set at minimum of 3 feet above the water. The bar is raised in 1 foot increments, and each player gets as many points as feet above the water that they can clear the bar. This actually looks pretty fun, until you see someone take the bar in the gut, or do a poorly timed flip over the bar and land smack on your back. How’s that feel Adam? All of the first female competitors can’t seem to clear 3 feet, and they each score 3 points for their respective teams. Next some of the guys are up, and Dr. Will and Adam each score a 4. Burton has the bar set to 6 feet, gets a good leap and clears that sucker! It was pretty impressive, and Mike the Miz lets him know. Yeah, you know, this event is just not that interesting, since the odds are clearly stacked in Dark Blue’s favor. They win the event with some really big dives from their sugar daddy’s Burton and Miz. Team Green again pulls in 2nd, and the Underdogs find 3rd.
Row, Row, Row Your Kayak…
Today’s final event is a simple kayak relay race. 2 women, 2 men from each team will compete in paddling laps in the pool. Yawn. Surprisingly, Team Green leads the race for the first half of the race. Of course, the Underdogs show us the real reason they were all cut from their original teams. Wait…what the hell is going on here? Mirna is pulling a strong leg for the Underdogs, and I guess the other women completely choke in leg three. She passes Kim from Team Chip and is starting to catch up to the new leader, Ryan Starr for Team Miz. Meh, it’s all for naught, as Burton anchors his team strongly…even though he gets called back to go around a buoy, and Team Miz wins handily. The Underdogs pull a surprising 2nd, and Team Chip bottoms out.
So, Team Miz wins an automatic bid to next weeks finals competition. And apparently each team member also gets free cellular service for a year. Score!
Well, that’s all I got. My TiVo cut the show short(I think?!?), so I don’t know how they are going to decide the other team that will face Team Miz in the finals. Perhaps Team Miz will get to pick a couple of players from the other teams, and then the rest of those teams will form one team to compete against the bully’s? I don’t know, but I’m sure it will be mind numbing. Be sure to tune in next week for more fame whoring and camera posing.
Am I nuts? firstname.lastname@example.org