Hello and welcome to another edition of Battle of the C-list, Last-Grab-At- Fame Reality Stars!! I’ll be taking the proverbial baton this week, with a seamless, graceful pass to me from Suncat7. To find out about last weeks wild happenings read her impeccable recap HERE. I feel like I have the easy leg of this endurance race, since Suncat had to deal with Jonathan Baker from The Amazing Race for three weeks. Luckily for me, he and his wife, along with the rest of their team, were eliminated last week since they were the lowest scoring team. Whew! I dodged a bullet!
Let’s Do The Twist!
Our host Mike Adamle gets right to it this week. He has the three remaining teams in front of their banners, and he immediately lets them know that he has some bad news. Since everyone is already a veteran of typical reality TV fare, they all see a twist coming 10 miles away. No one is really surprised to learn that each team has to eliminate a male and a female member from their ranks. Bummed out, yes, surprised, no way.
Right away, Team Green’s(Chip & Kim, Matt Gould, Susan Hawk, Will Kirby, Nikki McKibbin, Theo HellnoIain’ttypingthatlastname V. and Brian Worth) leader Chip nominates his wife as the female who will be leaving. What’s up Chip? You seem to be trying hard to eliminate your wife. Even in the first week you gave her the heave ho when you had to eliminate just 1 person. I think maybe Chip has a thing for Coral on Team Red. The others don’t agree with Chip’s decision and think they should put it all to a vote. So they vote. And it lends to the “reality TV” drama that most everyone votes for Nikki and Brian. Nikki can’t believe the outcome, feeling she is the strongest female contributor to her team. Sorry, Nikki, this isn’t American Idol where America votes, this involves the votes of the people you interact with daily during this travesty of “competition.” She leaves in a huff, cursing out anyone who gets in her way.
Team Red(Coral Smith, Will Wikle, Gervase Peterson, Adam Mesh, Evan Marriott, Rachel Love Fraser, Melissa Howard, and Tina Fabulous) doesn’t have much of a problem figuring out who they are going to get rid of. Rachel basically volunteers to be the one to go, and then they vote on a blackboard for the guy to leave, and everyone except Adam votes FOR Adam.
Team Dark Blue(Bradford Cohen, Richard Hatch, Ryan Starr, Mirna Hindoyan, Heidi Bressler, Valerie Penso, Burton Roberts, and Mike “The Miz”) goes about eliminating in the most orderly fashion. They vote right away, and the group sends Mirna and Bradford packing. Mirna sounds honestly surprised that perhaps other people in the group formed relationships without her. Hatch puts it all in perspective as usual, by saying she should just shut up.
Today’s first event is Inner Tube Water Polo. Mike Adamle announces the team matchups for this event. First, Team Miz(Dark Blue) will face Team Chip(Green). Next, Team Coral(Red) will face….Team Underdog!(The new Light Blue). Team Underdog is made up of all of the members eliminated from the other three teams. They are fired up and rarin’ to go. They can’t wait to dish out punishment on their former teammates.
In game 1, it’s Team Underdog vs. Team Coral. The underdog’s jump out to an early 2-0 lead, going hard for every loose ball and earning 2 goals easily against a slow red team. Team Underdog is passing like a well oiled machine, and even Rachel gets in a goal against her former team. Team Underdog advances to the final game with a 3-0 victory.
Game 2 involves Team Miz vs. Team Chip, and looks to be the better matchup. The teams exchange goals at first, but then Theo hits a long range shot for the green team. With time winding down, Miz takes a last minute desperation shot for his team, but it is blocked with authority by Chip. Team Chip advances with a 2-1 victory.
Before the final match, Trishelle interviews Joe Schmo Matt Gould. She asks him about his life since his television debut. He has been living in Pittsburgh, in his parent’s basement. Matt’s life hasn’t really improved all that much since the show, which is a shame, since he is such a nice guy. Everyone still calls him Joe Schmo, and he mostly wishes he could just go back to his normal life before the show. Then again, he’s on this show, but that’s mostly because he did what most reality stars do these days—he spent all the money he “won” earlier, and now he’s looking for some more.
The final is Nikki’s dream match. She can’t wait to show her old team what they got rid of. The time to swim arrives, and Team Chip takes an early 2-0 lead over the unders. Bradford gets his team back into the game with a goal from the corner. With Adam defending on a far outside Theo, there seems to be some sort of altercation. Adam was splashing Theo and Theo had enough of that. He wings the ball at Adam’s chest and it bounces off his head! Maybe now Adam will change his old, tired look that we all remember from “Average Joe”. Matt makes a nice pass inside to Dr. Will for Team Chip, and Will sends the ball hurtling into the goal. Team Chip takes the final game 3-1, and the Underdog’s don’t get their revenge.
Wait…..Is That THE Isaac?????
The next event is the Mechanical Bull. How they plan to pull this one off as a contest I have no idea. Luckily, Mike Adamle will explain! The teams will face off with 5 riders each. The winner of each heat is the player who holds on to the bull the longest, earning a point for their team. Austin Scarlett knows nothing about riding bulls, so he is calling in a guest referee. It’s Ted Lange, who you all might know better as Isaac from “The Love Boat”. He’s looking good for an aging cruise bartender.
In the first round battles, Team Chip takes on Team Coral, and loses in heartbreaker. The Underdogs take on the Miz Machine, and can’t even win a point. Miz moves on 3-0.
In the final round, the first matchup is the Miz himself vs. Gervase. They both hang on for a long time, until Gervase just misses a beat and flys off the front of the bull. Next, it’s Coral vs. Valerie. Coral is clinging to the front edge of the bull like she’s holding onto a cliff for dear life, while Valerie holds to both ends of the bull. Eventually, Coral tumbles over the front, and is lucky she didn’t fall into some of the bull plop she was spewing earlier. Next it’s Burton vs. Joe Millionaire. Both hang on for dear life, and Burton looks like he’s trying to ride the bull side saddle! He finally falls off, and Team Coral finally has a point. In the next round, Heidi rides for the Miz, vs. Tina Fabulous for the Coral’s. Heidi’s strategy is to simply hang on and move with the bull. Tina, however, tries to emulate the likely 10 seconds of bull riding she has seen on TV and has her arm way up in the air trying to look proper. She loses her balance quickly, and Heidi wins the game point for Team Miz. Heidi, sounding as graceful as ever in her post ride interview, tells us it feels good to have won for her team, but not as good as sex is. And then she tells us she’d rather be having sex. Yes Heidi, who wouldn’t??
Standings After 2 Events
In First, it’s Team Miz(Dark Blue) with 150 points
Tied for second is Team Underdog(Light Blue) and Team Chip(Green) with 125 points
In fourth place is Team Coral(Red) with 100 points.
This is another last place elimination day, so the last event is very important to Team Coral. Or is it the Underdogs that will bite the dust?
More Legs Than A Octapede
The final event of the day has hilarious potential! It is the Multi-Legged Race. It’s a type of relay race, where the teams start with 2 people with their legs tied together, run a lap, and then add another person onto the chain, ending up with 5 people with their legs tied together running a 50 yard lap.
Team Chip and Team Miz both jump out to an early lead in the competition. Both teams are keeping pace with each other. Team Coral doesn’t seem up to the challenge, as they founder several times. The Underdogs continually seem to have trouble in transition, but they do keep a lead on Red. Team Chip slowly builds their lead, but what’s this? Trouble with the leg binders? Meh, they have a big enough lead to straighten out their wardrobe better than Carson from Queer Eye, and they march across the finish line first. Team Miz comes in second, and now the race is for the third place points. Team Coral is still foundering, but the Underdogs are having problems closing the deal. They are at a dead stop for some reason, and Team Coral is gaining quickly. The ‘Dogs get their stuff together, and finally start stomping toward the finish line, beating Red by a mere 10 yards.
With their last place finish in the Multi-Legged Race, Team Coral finishes in last place for the day, and sadly will head home empty handed. Unless the producers have some other sort of "Reality TV" twist up their sleeves. In that case, expect to see this team next week in some sort of Outcast twist.
There you have it, another week of silly competitions, totally expected twists, and Mike the Miz being a pompous ass. Be sure to tune in next week for more of the same!
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