8/31 Battle of the Network Reality Stars: Pulled Groins, Broken Feet & Jonathan's Ego
Previously on Battle of the Network Reality Stars...
Team Red came in last and voted out Duncan and Charla. Team Dark blue got to decide where to put two NEW players, so they sent Gervase and Tina of Team Light Blue to Team Red. The new players for Team Light Blue are Jerri Manthey and David Daskell.
Host Mike Adamle reminds us that today, one team WILL be eliminated. That will be 8 less people to make fun of, but extra time to snark on the remaining 24. That's what you call "bittersweet."
Red Team - Team Coral
Will Wikle, Coral Smith, Gervase Peterson, Adam Mesh, Evan Marriott, Rachel Love Fraser, Melissa Howard, Tina "Fabulous" Panas
Dk Blue Team - Team Miz
Bradford Cohen, Richard Hatch, Ryan Starr, Mirna Hindoyan, Heidi Bressler, Valerie Penso, Burton Roberts, Mike "The Miz" Mizanin
Lt Blue Team - Team Jonathan
Brittany Brower, Mike "Boogie" Malin, Jerri Manthey, Jonathan Baker & Victoria Fuller, Wendy Pepper, David Daskell, Chris Russo
Green Team - Team Chip
Matt Gould, Susan Hawk, Will Kirby, Chip & Kim McAllister, Nikki McKibbin, Theo Vonkurnatowski, Brian Worth
Helping to referee the game is a participant of the original "Battle" shows, William Katt. He is from the show "The Greatest American Hero". You don't remember that? Perhaps this will jog your memory.. "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air, never thought I could feel so free eee eee..." HEY, that's not ME singing to him...Team Jonathan is belting out the theme song, and frankly, it's horrible. But at least William Katt's not wearing his hero outfit from that show. I don't think he could quite pull that look off now.
Team Miz will play Team Jonathan, while Team Coral will play Team Chip. The winners of those match-ups will play for 1st place, while the losers will play the consolation game for 3rd place.
Team Miz vs. Team Jonathan has already taken place, and Team Miz advances. Team Chip beat Team Coral for the other spot in the final game.
Rules, the short version: 3 players from each team on the field at one time, all start from the 15 yard line. Points awarded for 5 yard line receptions, touchdowns, sacking the quarterback, intercepting a pass, and various interference.
Team Miz players - (Burton, Ryan, Mirna, Miz, Richard) vs. Team Chip players - (Brian, Sue, Nikki, Matt, Theo). Brian tags Burton for a sack, 1 pt earned for Team Chip. Team Miz gets 7 pts for an interference call. Matt catches Chip's throw for 7 pts for Team Chip. Burton passes to Rich, who catches in the 5 yard line, to score 3 pts for Team Miz. Richard then does a wiggly dance I never want to see again. At least he wasn't naked. Matt gets the last touchdown of the game, winning for Team Chip. Final score, 15-10.
Trishelle Cannatella interviews Matt of 1st place Team Chip, with the rest of the team gathered around. Trish asks "you let Richard Hatch score 3 pts?" and Theo pipes in "Richard Hatch scored in the end zone." Much Beavis laughter all around....huhhh, huhh, huhh.
1st Team Chip (green) 100 pts
2nd Team Miz (dk blue) 75 pts
3rd Team Coral (red) 50 pts
4th Team Jonathan (lt blue) 25 pts.
Time for a hair review with Trishelle and Austin Scarlett. Austin says that in the 70's and 80's they all had coiffures to kill for. The only thing we really learn from this segment is that "Farrah Fawcett and her fabulous feather flip" makes for one hard tongue-twister.
Each team must build their own vehicle within 30 minutes. Dr. Will says "God didn't bless me with charisma, good looks or intelligence, but I can build a soapbox car like a freak." Well, he got the "freak" part right.
First off, Gervase, pushed by Evan. He gets through the course without incident, with a time of 35.80. Next up, Burton, pushed by Miz. He finishes at 34.66. Jonathan is pushed by Boogie, and he looks like he's on a luge. Guess he didn't want any wind resistance from that enormous ego he's carting around. He wipes out very early, much to my delight. After righting the vehicle, he attempts the remainder of the course in the classic face-first sledding position, coming in at a time of 44.58. Theo is last, pushed by Chip. He is the fastest, finishing with a time of 34.42, winning for Team Chip.
1st Team Chip 200 pts
2nd Team Miz 150 pts
3rd Team Coral 100 pts
4th Team Jonathan 50 pts
Three men and three women from each team will race.
Team Coral racers: Evan, Tina, Will W., Coral, Melissa, and Gervase
Team Jonathan racers; David, Jonathan, Jerri, Brittany, Chris, and Victoria
Team Miz racers: Bradford, Mirna, Miz, Heidi, Ryan, and Burton
Team Chip racers: Matt, Nikki, Dr. Will, Kim, Susan, and Theo
Boogie says the next event is how he's going to score with his teammate Brittany, as he's given up on events today. Theo thinks if you drug a Marlboro in front of Nikki or Sue, they'd get around the track quicker. Coral threatens her team with homicide if they don't win. Chris states that it's nearly impossible for his team to win the relay, considering that he has a broken foot (news to me!) and Boogie having a pulled groin. I can't help but wonder if Boogie's pulled groin has anything to do with him trying to score with Brittany.
1st leg Evan, David, Bradford, Matt. David falls behind early, and Matt is the first to hand off.
2nd leg Tina, Jonathan, Mirna, Nikki. Jonathan makes up the time for his team, and finishes this leg first.
3rd leg Jerri, Miz, Dr. Will, Will W. Jerri's in first, but she quickly gets passed by Miz. Both Wills then pass Jerri, and Miz hands off first.
4th leg Heidi, Kim, Melissa, Brittany. Heidi holds the lead for her team, and passes off first.
5th leg Ryan, Susan, Coral, Chris. Ryan maintains 1st for Team Miz, going into the final leg.
6th leg Burton, Gervase, Victoria, Theo. Theo passes Victoria. Burton crosses the finish line first, winning the race for Team Miz. Team Coral comes in 2nd, followed by Team Chip and then Team Jonathan.
1st Team Miz 275 pts
2nd Team Chip 250 pts
3rd Team Coral 175 pts
4th Team Jonathan 75 pts
Just when you thought it was over....
Host Mike tells 1st and 2nd place teams "congratulations." He then tells 3rd and 4th place teams that it's not over yet. We are given a bit of "Battle" history, concerning a race between team captains Robert "Black Sheep Squadron" Conrad and Gabe "Welcome Back Kotter" Kaplan in 1976, to settle a relay dispute. Team Coral and Team Jonathan will be running that same 100 yard dash. Since Team Coral is in 3rd place, they get to select their fastest runner, male or female, while Team Jonathan has to pick the same gender as selected by Team Coral.
Gervase "I have a giant Pagong tattoo" Peterson is racing against Chris "I have a fractured foot" Russo. I must note that it's week 3 of this show, and I just realized that Gervase HAS that giant Pagong tattoo on his arm. The thing is huge. I wonder what aging will do to it, and spent a few moments thinking of words that could be formed with just the right amount of muscle atrophy and wrinkling. The race is summed up in three words...Gervase smokes Chris. Looks like Team Jonathan is going home! Jonathan puts on quite the whining act, saying that the runners should have been matched up by weight, and then berates Victoria for being a sore loser. So there you have it. Whether it was Boogie's pulled groin, Chris' broken foot or the insufferable Jonathan, I'm just happy that there will only be one shade of BLUE to report on next time.
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