Welcome to this week's installment of Battle of the Network Reality Stars! I'll be your fuzzy host as we see swim relay, dodge ball, and Simon Sez.
Once again we have 32 reality stars, competing for prizes and $10,000 each for the winning team!. Today, two players from the last place team will be leaving. Each competitor has to compete in at least one event, as to not deprive us, the viewer of even one of these fame-hos.
Let's review the teams!
Team Gervase (light blue)
Brittany Brower - America's Next Top Model
Mike "Boogie" Malin - Big Brother
Tina "Fabulous" Panas - The Bachelor
Jonathan Baker & Victoria Fuller - The Amazing Race
Wendy Pepper - Project Runway
Gervase Peterson - Survivor
Chris Russo - The Apprentice
Mike is commenting how every time an event is discussed in the locker room, Jonathan pops up with how good he is at that event. "I can swim! I can run!" Yes Jonathan, but can you SHUT UP? Brittany is happy that Gervase is the captain instead of Jonathan, and I feel that most of her team members would agree.
Team Miz (dark blue)
Bradford Cohen - The Apprentice
Richard Hatch - Survivor
Ryan Starr - American Idol
Mirna Hindoyan - The Amazing Race
Heidi Bressler - The Apprentice
Valerie Penso - Temptation Island
Burton Roberts - Survivor
Mike "The Miz" Mizanin - The Real World
Mirna is wanting everyone to say what they feel, and says she feels like an outcast. Her cousin Charla was voted off, and is now on an opposing team. Miz thinks she needs more confidence. I think everyone talks too much. Let's see some BATTLE!
Team Coral (red)
Will Wikle - Big Brother
Coral Smith - The Real World
Duncan Nutter - Showbiz Moms and Dads
Adam Mesh - Average Joe
Evan Marriott - Joe Millionaire
Rachel Love Fraser - The Swan
Melissa Howard - The Real World
Charla Faddoul - The Amazing Race
Charla says the red team is fun, that she just wants to laugh. Well, that's what we all want, now isn't it, Charla? She's on the team with the delightfully nutty Duncan Nutter, so how could anyone on the red team NOT laugh? Just look at him! Hee, I'm laughing already.
Team Chip (green)
Matt Gould - Joe Schmo
Susan Hawk - Survivor
Will Kirby - Big Brother
Chip & Kim McAllister - The Amazing Race
Nikki McKibbin - American Idol
Theo Vonkurnatowski - Road Rules
Brian Worth - Average Joe
Theo says that Sue's a trucker, and if she loses, she's running over everybody. I think Sue runs everyone over win OR lose,but we've yet to see any of the infamous Sue Hawk/Richard Hatch rivalry.
Scoring breakdown, 100pts for 1st place, 75pts for 2nd place, 50pts for 3rd place and 25pts for 4th place. 6 players per team participate, players are eliminated if they react without hearing "Simon Sez" and the last person standing wins for their entire team.
Host Mike Adamle introduces our "special guest" Jimmie "J.J." Walker. For those of you who don't know this, he portrayed "J.J." on "Good Times" with the ever-so-annoying catchphrase of "DY-NO-MITE!" Apparently Jimmie's duties will be to referee, considering that he's wearing black and white stripes. Or, perhaps he is out on work-release from a local prison. It's just not clear.
I must interrupt this recap, to tell you that the most annoying man is being "Simon", barking out the commands. His name is Steve Max, and I don't know exactly how to describe him. Imagine the most irritating, talkative person you know, then have them drink a case of Red Bull. They'd still be less hyped-up than this guy. What is he, a professional "Simon Sez" host? He is unbearable.
Steve/Simon says "Hands UPPPP!" Ah, but he didn't say "Simon Sez hands up!" Victoria gets her hands not quite up to her shoulders before she catches herself. Steve/Simon asks J.J. to escort Victoria off the field. A couple of commands later, Chris and Wendy put their hands down at the wrong time and are eliminated. That's three members down for Team Gervase already! J.J. walks behind them "shooing" Wendy off the field. I think Wendy probably gets "shooed" a lot by people who saw "Project Runway." Steve/Simon lets Sue get by with a teensy bobble, but next Mirna is off the field, taking Team Miz down to five.
Apparently Adam messed up, but wasn't seen. Disgruntled people on the sidelines are full of comments. Chip tells Adam that he's watching him and will tell next time. No one likes a tattle-tale, Chip! Chris says it doesn't matter if you make a mistake, it matters if they CATCH you making a mistake. Dr. Will says "It's a sham, a mockery, a travesty, it's a shmockatravesty!" I wonder how many nights he sweated thinking that gem up.
Back to the game, Bradford out next. Very soon after, Melissa goofs up, and is carried off the field by J.J. He lays her on the ground and proceeds to pat her on the rear. Just EWW! "Good Times" indeed, J.J.! Steve/Simon keeps happily shouting out the orders, and has people bouncing all over the field. In Coral's case, parts of her are really bounce, bounce, bouncing around, even after Simon Sez to stop. Apparently her chest doesn't care WHAT Simon Sez. Next we have a mass elimination as Rachel, Tina, Heidi, Coral, Gervase and Boogie all go to the sidelines. J.J. is running around, hoping to cop a feel from someone else. Team Gervase is now wiped out.
After a few more Simon Sez moves, Will Wikle, Duncan, Theo and Matt are out of there. Even though Adam completely blew it, Steve/Simon lets him remain in the game, the lone player still in it for Team Coral. Sue and Miz are out next, and finally Adam "the cheater" Mesh is out of the game. We're left with four players on the field. Richard and Valerie for Team Miz, Nikki and Kim for Team Chip. Kim does what Steve/Simon calls "a little extra bouncy-bouncy" and is out. Valerie and Nikki both bobble on a move soon after, but for some reason only Valerie is thrown out. Much yelling from the sidelines from Miz, with some back talk from J.J. Now we're down to Richard and Nikki. Steve/Simon says to get closer, and Nikki does a skanky slink across the field. Steve/Simon asks Rich if he saw the technique, for Rich to show Nikki some "technique." Richard promptly moons her, with the glory of everything that is "Hatch". The game seems to go into fast mode, and Rich is the Simon Sez champion. Team Miz wins!
Team Miz (dk. blue) 100 pt.
Team Chip (green) 75 pts
Team Coral (red) 50 pts
Team Gervase (lt. blue) 25 pts.
Omarosa Interviews Richard
Well now, if these two aren't a pair! Omarosa asks Rich if he ever thought reality television would be so big, so captivating. He says he thought it would be captivating for him, as he enjoys seeing how people react, the human dynamics. Omarosa then throws the hardball question about Rich being in the news with tax problems. Omarosa asks "Not to get too personal, but your fans follow you and want to know what's happening with that." Richard shoots back "Not to get too personal, but I don't care what my fans want to know right now. When my attorney says don't speak, I don't speak. Fame comes with some consequences, and in my case, probably some very significant ones. But I love me, I really, really love me." Omarosa ends by telling him that he's set a high standard for all reality stars following him. I wonder if that is the standard to show us every angle of his naked body? Luckily, most reality stars don't run around naked on television. They have the decency to save themselves for the artsy "Playboy", or as I like to put it...save it for the paying customers. Don't give it away for free, Rich!
Ah, dodge ball. A chance to see some of these reality stars get pummeled! We have Team Gervase playing Team Coral, and Team Miz playing Team Chip. The winners of each will play each other in the final for first place, while the other two teams will play each other in the consolation game for third place. Time for the rules: all 8 players for each team will participate, 6 balls will be in play. If any part of a player's body is hit by an opposing throw, that player is out. If a ball is caught, the thrower is out, and one of the eliminated players from the catching team gets to return. Any player that crosses the center is out. A team wins when all 8 players for an opposing team have been eliminated.
Time for "Verizon Highlights" of game 1 between Team Coral and Team Gervase. They went by quickly, but basically it looked like Will Wikle had the winning throw for Team Coral, taking out Victoria. Highlights from the Team Miz-Team Chip match-up show Matt with the winning throw for Team Chip.
Dodgeball Final - Team Coral vs. Team Chip
Let's get a little pre-game commentary from our players. Coral says the strategy is "don't get hit". Will Wikle says he's scanning his competition. He says that Theo has an iron arm, Dr. Will catches all the balls, and Nikki looks like she's going through withdrawal, scratching and stuff. Well, that's downright catty, Will!
The game is underway. Dr. Will is the first out, next is Evan. Well, he IS a big, big target. What is he, 9 ft tall? I think little Charla comes up to his ankle. Sue catches Coral's throw, sending Coral out, and allowing Sue's team mate Dr. Will back in. Sue catches another one, sending Rachel out. Chip takes out Duncan, then Charla takes out Sue. Brian hits Charla, then Dr. Will tags Coral. Team Coral is down to two players, Adam and Will Wikle. Matt smacks Will, leaving Adam alone. Adam catches Matt's throw, sending him out, and bringing back Evan for Team Coral. Evan quickly removes Dr. Will and Chip. Theo knocks Evan out, leaving Adam alone again. Adam eliminates Brian, then Theo scores the winning throw, removing Adam. Team Chip wins!
Team Gervase won the consolation match.
1st Team Chip (green) 175pts
2nd Team Miz (dk blue) 125 pts
(tie) Team Coral (red) 125 pts
4th Team Gervase (lt blue) 75pts
Finally, what we've all been waiting for....wet reality stars! Ooooh ooooh sorry, I thought I was writing for another type of site there for a minute Swimming relay rules are as follows: 5 swimmers per team, at least two women, first 4 swimmers from each team will swim 25 meters, the fifth swimmer from each team will swim 50 meters. Winning this event will earn a team 125 pts.
Pre-relay footage shows us that Charla volunteered to swim, but then changed her mind as her body was aching. Melissa is reluctantly taking her place.
Team Gervase line-up: In lane one, Victoria, Brittany, Tina, Jonathan and anchor Mike Boogie
Team Chip line-up: In lane two, Chip, Sue, Theo, Nikko and anchor Dr. Will
Team Miz line-up: In lane three, Burton, Mirna, Richard, Ryan and anchor Miz
Team Coral line-up: In lane four, Melissa, Rachel, Evan, Adam and anchor Will Wikle
Burton is trying to make a bet with Jonathan that he'll touch the wall first, for $100. Jonathan won't take it. Chicken noises resound. To get the race started, it's Darva Conger, from "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire". She is referred to as "the mother of reality tv." I am astounded at some of the people they dredge up for this show. She gives the "on your mark, get set" and then blows the whistle. Annnnnd we're off!
Burton takes a quick lead, followed by Victoria, Chip and then Melissa. Burton touches the wall first, sending Mirna in. Against Mirna are Brittany, Sue and Rachel. Brittany takes the lead and touches the wall, sending in Tina, followed by Richard, Theo and Evan. Team Gervase and Team Miz are neck and neck, with Jonathan and Ryan diving in at almost the same time. Nikki is next, followed distantly by Adam. Tina touches the wall first, sending in anchor Mike Boogie, with Miz close behind. Miz takes over the lead, flipping at the wall first. Dr. Will and Will Wikle are now in the water for their teams. The Miz pulls far ahead, winning the swim relay for his team. Team Gervase takes 2nd, Team Chip 3rd and Team Coral is 4th.
1st Team Miz (dk blue) 250pts
2nd Team Chip (green) 225pts
3rd Team Gervase (lt blue) 150pts
4th Team Coral (red) 150pts
TIEBREAK NOTE: Since Team Gervase and Team Coral were tied, the tie-break was the swimming relay. Team Coral was last in that, so they take 4th place, meaning that two of their players will have to go home tonight.
A Not-So-Tough Decision...
Team Coral has to send two members home. They are required to vote off one boy and one girl. I find it ridiculous that they don't say one man and one woman, but that's just me. Charla thinks she should go home, because she didn't step up and swim. She feels she could have performed faster than Melissa. I agree, as my cat could have swam faster than Melissa, and she hates water. Duncan says that he's okay with going home, as he's had a great time there. No! Don't go, DunkNut! I haven't had a chance to fully snark on you! Evan stops everyone, and says that they have a trivia thing soon, and that he's not the smartest person on the planet.
At the final gathering, host Mike asks Coral who is leaving. Coral says Charla and DunkNut, which she doesn't understand. (me EITHER! Come back Duncan!) Charla and Duncan politely leave. Host Mike says that they have two new reality stars, ready to play. Since Team Miz won today, he gets options. He can 1) swap two of his team mates to Team Coral and take the new players for himself; 2) swap two members from Team Gervase or Team Chip, give them to Team Coral, and let whichever team that was take the new players; or 3) give the new players to Team Coral leaving the other teams intact. Team Miz decides to take out two members of Team Gervase. Miz sends Gervase and Tina to the Team Coral. Coral starts yelling "yeah, Gervase!" and probably makes Tina feel bad in the process. Time for now-captainless light blue team to meet their new team mates. Out comes Jerri Manthey from Survivor, and David Daskell from Average Joe. Just when I thought I couldn't be creeped out any more by this show, Jerri has to show her face.
Join us next week for a soapbox derby, touch football, a relay race...and to watch an entire team go home.
Can you make my reality nightmares stop? contact email@example.com