Welcome to the first recap of Battle of the Network Reality Stars! I'll be your host for this article. It will be a bit long, because I'll be introducing you to the teams. Let me start by saying, amazingly enough, I have not watched every single reality show ever made. I know you all think I have. A cat's got to eat, sleep and groom however, so a few of these reality stars I will not be familiar with.
We begin with a voice-over stating "In a time long ago, there were only three television networks, ABC, NBC, and CBS." Do you hear that? THREE. Remember that next time you're cruising through your 250 channels of satellite tv complaining that there's nothing to watch. Back "long ago" the stars of these networks would gather once a year in Malibu for a braless competition. Yes, I said braless. If you saw the clips they're showing of back then, you'd understand. Heather Locklear being dunked in a tank of water, Lynda "Wonder Woman" Carter paddling a canoe...wait, there's Tom Selleck in a teeny Speedo! That has nothing to do with braless, but it caught my attention. *ahem* Let's fast forward to the present....
We're on the campus of Pepperdine University, in Malibu California. Four teams of reality television stars will compete in seventeen events, and at the end of six weeks, the winning team will get $10,000 and lots of prizes. Today's events are the obstacle course, the dunk tank and the joust. Our host is Mike Adamle. Having no clue who he is, quick research tells me that he hosted "American Gladiators" almost ten years ago, as well as the now-defunct "XFL", a strange mixture of football and wrestling. Well, whatever, he's a snappy dresser in khakis and a navy blazer, always a good look for a host.
Joining him in today's coverage will be Trishelle Cannatella, from the Real World, Las Vegas. Trishelle has also been on a few other reality shows, including "The Surreal Life" and posed for Playboy. Her bio says that she is "notoriously charming and beautiful". I think that Trishelle must have written her own biography. Additional coverage from Omarosa Manigault Stallworth. You all know who she is, right? Okay, a villian from "The Apprentice" and has also been on "The Surreal Life." I'd rather not talk about her so much. With reports on team strategy, Bob Guiney from "The Bachelor 4." I now realize that this recap should come with a bottle of Tums.
Now, meet the teams! I'll only be listing the shows these people were originally on, because frankly, some of them are quite the fame-whores.
Dark Blue Team
Bradford Cohen - The Apprentice 2
Richard Hatch - Survivor Borneo
Ryan Starr - American Idol Season 1
Mirna & Charla - The Amazing Race 5, cousins.
Valerie Penso - Temptation Island.
Burton Roberts - Survivor Pearl Islands
Mike "The Miz" Mizanin - The Real World Back to NY
To choose a captain, Richard and Miz do rock-paper-scissors. Richard picks paper all three times, and Miz wins the right to be captain.
Matt Gould - Joe Schmo
Susan Hawk - Survivor Borneo
Will Kirby - Big Brother 2
Chip & Kim McAllister - The Amazing Race 5, married.
Nikki McKibbin - American Idol Season 1
Theo Vonkurnatowski - Road Rules 9
Brian Worth - Average Joe 2
The Green team quickly and easily chose Chip as their captain.
Dark Blue Team
Will Wikle - Big Brother 5
Coral Smith - Real World Back to NY
Duncan Nutter - Showbiz Moms & Dads
Adam Mesh - Average Joe 1
Evan Marriott - Joe Millionaire 1
Rachel Love Fraser - The Swan
Melissa Howard - Real World New Orleans
Heidi Bressler - The Apprentice 1
They just all kind of point at Coral and declare her team captain with little fanfare.
Light Blue Team
Brittany Brower - America's Next Top Model 4
Mike "Boogie" Malin - Big Brother 2
Tina "Fabulous" Panas - The Bachelor 3
Jonathan Baker & Victoria Fuller - The Amazing Race 6
Wendy Pepper - Project Runway
Gervase Peterson - Survivor Borneo
Chris Russo - The Apprentice 2
Gervase's name is drawn out of a box so he's captain.
The Obstacle Course
For this, each contestant must do a quick sprint, commando crawl, step through tires, go across monkey bars, scale an 8 ft. wall, do a rope swing over water, and race to the finish. If you miss an obstacle, a 3-second penalty is applied. Points are distributed as follows: 1st place 100 points, 2nd place 75 points, 3rd place 50 points, and 4th place 25 points.
Team Coral (red) will go against Team Miz (dark blue). The winner of that will go against the winner of the second race between Team Gervase (light blue) and Team Chip (green.) Got that? Neither do I.
Racing for Team Coral (red): Will Wikle, Evan and Rachel. Racing for Team Miz (dark blue): Bradford, Mirna and Miz.
Will and Bradford make quick work of the sprint and commando crawl, but Bradford misses a tire and re-does it, allowing Will to take the lead. They are very close on the monkey bars, but Bradford falls and has to begin again. Somehow I think Bradford doesn't perform well under pressure. Will is well ahead, and scales the wall with no problem. Bradford scales the wall, then falls down. By this time, Will has swung over the water and is sprinting for the finish. After he completes his leg of the race, his team mate Rachel begins. She is already finished with the command crawl as Bradford does a strange roll across the finish line for his team. Mirna is next after Bradford. She loses a shoe in the tires, but continues on without it. On the sidelines, Richard Hatch says "that's just silly." Rachel is swinging over the water by now, but she hits the water, earning her team a 3-point penalty. As Mirna is one-shoeing it to the finish line, Evan takes the anchor leg for the opposing team. The other anchor, Miz, makes up a lot of ground, but it's not enough and Team Coral (red) moves on. Coral and Melissa do some very annoying alternating head bob squaty thing in victory. Instant replay shows one of Bradford's mistakes, and Mirna losing her shoe. Host Adam comments that Mirna perhaps sealed her team's fate, but I blame that all on bumbling Bradford. Richard says he thinks he should have done the obstacle course, as he is very agile for a big moose. His words, not mine!
Racing for Team Gervase (light blue): Gervase, Mike and Chris. Racing for Team Chip (green): Chip, Theo and Will
We only get to see a very, very small part of this match-up. Team Chip (green) had a lot of problems, so Team Gervase will advance.
..now for the final match-up
Racing for Team Gervase (light blue): Victoria, Tina and Wendy. I'd like to take this moment to say that Wendy scares the daylights out of me every time she's on screen.
Racing for Team Coral (red): Melissa, Heidi and Duncan. Coral has taken to calling Duncan "DunkNut", which is not near what I called him when he was on "Showbiz Moms and Dads."
Victoria and Melissa are first. Victoria misses a tire and goes back so she doesn't incur a penalty. Victoria then blows past Melissa on the monkey bars, finishes, and her team mate Tina is starting just as Melissa is ending for her side. Heidi takes off, and passes Tina on the wall. Tina finishes first, but hit the water earning the 3-second penalty. Wendy takes off, with Duncan close on her heels. They are neck to neck through it all. At the rope swing, instead of swinging Duncan does a wild leap, touching the water for a penalty. Wendy falls down and rolls over the finish line as Duncan passes her. Team Coral (red) wins! Coral and Melissa resume doing the annoying head bob squaty thing. Seriously, I hate that, whatever it is.
Team Coral (red) 100 pts
Team Gervase (light blue) 75 pts
Team Miz (dark blue) 50 pts
Team Chip (green) 25 pts
The Dunk Tank
Next we have that school carnival favorite, the dunk tank. Dunk tank rules are: 2 throwers per team, 3 throws each, anyone from any other team can be dunked, 3 pts per dunk, 1 point for hitting the target without a dunk. Again, points are distributed as follows: 1st place 100 points, 2nd place 75 points, 3rd place 50 points, and 4th place 25 points. Richard tells everyone not to pick Sue to be dunked, because he doesn't want to go into the water after her. Jonathan says he'll pick Richard hatch, and destroy him. Slow down, Jonathan! This is supposed to be a FRIENDLY competition. Richard says they should dunk Coral, because she hasn't shut up since she got there, plus she can't swim. Bachelor Bob interviews Miz, who says he hopes he is chosen as he will urinate in the tank if he's dunked. Well that's just nasty!
Adam Mesh is up first for Team Coral (red). He picks Ryan to be dunked and she is wearing one teeny bikini. He misses twice, and hits the target once without a dunk for one point for his team.
We now get Omarosa interviewing Jonathan and Victoria. Well, really interviewing Jonathan, as Omarosa is standing with her back completely to Victoria as Victoria has to peek around Omarosa to see what's going on. Jonathan says that what you see on television is not the real Jonathan. Omarosa counters with "I was told the cameras don't lie". Jonathan replies "the cameras don't, but the editing does." Uh-huh. He admits to shoving Victoria when they were on the Amazing Race, at least.
Victoria, or Jonathan's punching bag, is up next for Team Gervase (light blue). She picks Coral to be dunked. First toss, she misses. Second toss, Coral is dunked. Third toss, Coral is dunked again. Victoria has earned 6 points for her team.
For Team Chip (green) we have Brian. He chooses "by popular demand", Coral. He also mentions that everyone wants to see Coral with her top off. Coral's bikini top is small. How small? Imagine you take a Kleenex, rip it in half, then in half again. Then you throw it into a hamster cage to be chewed on. THAT is what minimum coverage Coral's breasts have. Brian dunks her on the first throw. Coral yells "do it again and it's your ass, dork!" Brian misses the next throw, but dunks Coral for a second time with his last throw, earning 6 points for his team.
Burton is up for Team Miz (dark blue). He chooses Mike. Two misses, one dunk. Burton earns 3 points for his team.
Only quick clips of some team's second person to throw. Coral, for Team Coral (red) picked Victoria, missed all three throws, and earned no points. Chris, for Team Gervase (light blue) picked Brian, he also missed all three and earned no points.
Matt, for Team Chip (green) picks Miz. The Miz stupidly does a couple of push-ups to prepare for sitting in a dunk tank. Matt misses the first two throws. Miz is yelling some gibberish "there's nothing like being the Miz, and that's my reality!" Matt dunks him at that precise moment, shutting him up, and earning 3 more points for his team.
Up for Team Miz (dark blue) is Bradford. I have very little faith in Bradford, after his sad showing in the obstacle course. He chooses Tina Fabulous. He misses the first throw, but dunks Tina on the second. For her sake, I hope that Miz didn't really urinate in the tank. He missed the last throw, earning only 3 points for his team.
Team Gervase (light blue) 150 pts
Team Coral (red) 125 pts
Team Chip (green) 125 pts
Team Miz (dark blue) 100 pts
Omarosa now interviews our fashion correspondent, Austin Scarlett. Austin was on Project Runway and can design gorgeous dresses like nobody's business. He fawns about how pretty Lynda Carter was back in the day, and says that Farrah Fawcett was an icon. Omarosa comments how Austin's hair is very Farrah-like, and this is true...Austin has obviously seen a couple of hot rollers in his time. Commenting on the men from the original "Battle" shows, Austin likes Tom Selleck and Scott Baio. Except he says "Scott Bay-yew". The segment ends, and not one drop of fashion has been discussed.
Whichever team wins the joust competition will get 125 pts, and keep their team intact. Then, excitement! It is announced that the winning team of the day will get an all-expenses paid vacation, in Las Vegas at the Silverton Hotel.....for a weekend. A WEEKEND? Not a week? Not even 5 days? Cheap bastards. We see lots of footage of teams smacking on each other in practice. My favorite combination is Richard coaching Charla. Mike is concerned that Chris should take out his nipple rings, and then we see that Chris has a barbell through each nipple. Just EWWW! Cover that stuff up already. Team Gervase (light blue) will be going up against Team Chip (green), while Team Coral (red) will be going against Team Miz (dark blue). The winner of each will then go head-to head in the final. Joust rules are: 5 minute time limit, men vs. men, women vs. women, best 2 out of 3 matches wins. For those that don't know, the joust is a competition where they beat each other with long padded sticks while balancing about water. If you knock the other person in the water, you win.
For Team Gervase (light blue) we have Victoria, against Sue from Team Chip (green.) Sue gets Victoria a bit off-balance, but Victoria holds steady and knocks Sue off. One win for Team Gervase. Next for Team Gervase we have Chris, and thankfully his nipple barbells are covered by a chest shield. His opponent is Matt for Team Chip. Chris is ruthless, and has Matt in the water in no time. No need for a third match, Team Gervase easily cruises on.
Team Miz (dark blue) has Charla competing. For those who don't know, Charla is a little person. They are counting on her low center of gravity for a win. Her opponent will be the nearly 6 ft tall Rachel for Team Coral (red). Before the starting whistle even blows, Charla is wiggling the platform trying to get Rachel to lose balance. Rachel is relentlessly pounding Charla, but Charla is holding her own and getting a few whacks in. One of the pads comes off of Rachel's stick, so she is given a replacement. They are back to smacking the tar out of each other, and now one of Charla's pads comes off of her stick. Once more, a replacement is given, and the beating continues. Charla tries wiggling the platform again, to no avail. Rachel knocks Charla down, but Charla doesn't fall off. The smackdown continues for the full 5 minute limit, and the match is a draw. Next up, Adam for Team Coral, against Richard for Team Miz. Richard informs us that he's 280 lbs, and he's not moving. Richard knocks Adam off in about half a second. Seriously, it's that quick. Ryan is up now for Team Miz, against Melissa for Team Coral. Melissa has a hard time even walking out on the platform, and Ryan has her off it quickly. Team Miz will be advancing to the final.
The Consolation Round for third place is NIkki for Team Chip (green) against Heidi for Team Coral (red). Heidi gave up, and voluntarily jumped off the platform, costing her team 3rd place.
......Finally, the final!
Whoever wins this last pairing will win the day. Team Gervase (light blue) against Team Miz (dark blue). I will take this moment to say, why light and dark blue? Why didn't they use yellow for one of these teams, or even orange? There are more colors in the crayon box! Back to the game, we have the captains of each team going head to head, Gervase against Miz. Miz gets Gervase down but not off the platform, so Gervase grabs Miz's legs and tosses him in. This is against the rules, and the match goes to Team Miz. Next up, Brittany for Team Gervase against Valerie for Team Miz. Brittany downs Valerie, and the teams are now even. For the final match of the final event, we have Jonathan for Team Gervase, against Bradford for Team Miz. Jonathan is quick on the draw, and gets Bradford off the platform, winning the day for Team Gervase. Omarosa runs out to interview Jonathan, who gives her a kiss. Now THAT would be a pair made in hell.
Team Gervase (light blue) 275 pts (keep their team intact, and wins the weekend trip to Las Vegas)
Team Miz (dark blue) 175 pts
Team Chip (green) 175 pts
Team Coral (red) 150 pts
So You Think It's Over?
Nope, not yet! The teams that did not win have to each vote off a team member. We will get to see each team deliberate on this. Chip, captain of Team Chip (green) politely asks if anyone wants to leave. Everyone is saying "no, I really like this team" and such. Kim, who is Chip's wife, says the fairest thing would be for her to leave. I think it's just as well, as I haven't seen her do a darn thing all day. Chip says he loves his girl, and they'll just love her out of there. Team Coral (red) has a long debate, where Adam tells Heidi that she did just give up and jump off during the joust. Heidi agrees, and she is the pick for that team. Team Miz (dark blue) does a secret ballot, and after a close vote, they chose Charla. Charla, for some reason is mad as heck at Ryan for voting her out. It's not clear why she's madder at Ryan than anyone else.
TWIST? You knew there had to be one. This is a show with 32 reality show contestants. There HAS to be a twist. All the teams gather in front of host Adam, and they tell who they have voted out. It turns out the three cast-offs won't be going home yet. There are three cards, and on the back of each is a team color. The color each one picks is the color team they'll be playing for next week. Heidi looks miserable at that news, you can tell she was ready to be out of there. Charla gets to pick first since her team came in second. She picks number one, and ends up with the red team. Charla comments that she feels very welcome coming into the red team, that they're fun to be around. Kim gets the next selection, since her team finished third. She picks number two, and jumps for joy as she re-joins her husband on team green. By default that leaves Heidi for the dark blue team. Heidi thinks what the dark blue team did to Charla was disgusting, that her heart is with the red team, and leaves us with a "Go Charla!" Host Adam tells us that next week, someone WILL be leaving.
If you've slugged it out through this whole recap, I'm quite impressed *claps paws*. There's five more weeks of this...that's right, FIVE! Tune in next week for swim relay, dodge ball, and Simon Sez. NO, I am not making this up.
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