Aloha and Welcome to Episode eight hundred and ninety-nine of the longest running Journey to True Love in ABC history: The Bachelorette Series 5. After enduring the long hot summer of hi-jinks, heartbreak, Hunks and Heels, will we finally see Jillian Harris reach her heart’s desire? Helpful Host summarizes last week’s events and gets us fired up: “Kiptyn earned her trust, Reid was flying high, Ed was ready to take the plunge. In the Fantasy Suite things didn’t go well (hey, we’re talkin’ about you , Ed). At the rose ceremony Jillian made a decision that broke her heart. Tonight will be the most emotional season finale in Bachelor history.”
Viewer Disclaimer Those who suffer from ifestiophobia should not watch this episode. The management is not responsible if this warning is disregarded.
Let us begin. Confident in the work-ethic of the Big Island Hotel Safety Inspectors Union, Jillian leans on the railing of the balcony of her hotel room, contemplating Life. We See waves crashing across the rocks. This will be a recurring image throughout the episode, emphasize Jillian’s “rocky road to romance.” Our Girl, in fact, says so herself, “This has really been a rocky journey.” She recites some of her travails along the way: the Yodeler, Captain America, Reid, and Ed’s departure and return. Yet, she confesses, “I’m sitting here with a huge smile on my face and owning it. I’m really proud of myself that I’ve gotten this far and chosen these two guys.” (For those of you just joining us, that would be Ed Swiderski and Kiptyn Locke, last men standing from our original crew of thirty.)
LITTLE HULA GIRL
Time for Ed to meet Jillian’s folks, who have been hanging out in a villa by the sea just hoping for this very opportunity. It occurs to me that it is somewhat unfair that everyone’s family, save for Kiptyn’s, has managed to score a nice free Hawaiian vacation out of this gig, but then I remember that undoubtedly the Lockes are relaxing on the French Riviera or in some other Foreign Country and I don’t feel quite so bad.
Jillian has chosen for the occasion a yellow top trimmed in white pop-beads, which seems to me a questionable choice on account of the danger if one pops off and starts rolling around on the floor, Grandma is for sure going to slip and break her hip and ruin everyone’s vacation. The yellow car-wash heels have been left behind in some hotel or other, so she has picked a pair of 8-inch lipstick-pink high heels from her childhood dress-up box to complete the ensemble.
Ed arrives, wearing one of his usual Gilligan’s Island get-ups. Never mind, Jillian is thrilled to see him: “Eyuddd.” They sit down on a bench for a quick convo. First thing, Ed wants to reassure Jillian that his , er lack of performance in the Fantasy Suite in Maui was in no way indicative of his desire, longing, passion or Usual Abilities. I think it fair to say that has been a Concern for all of us.
Glad to have that settled, Jillian takes him inside to meet the folks: parents Peggy and Glenn, Grandma, and hot-chick cousin Tori. Jillian is so excited to see the folks she lets loose with one of those deafening Scud-Missile-Screams. Grandma observes that Ed is very nice looking; Glenn thinks Ed must be some kind of magician to have gotten here, and Peggy says it’s about bloody time Jillian had some happiness.
Jillian thinks a great ice-breaker will be for Ed to tell everyone his Story. Ed looks at her in terror, then quickly realizes she didn’t mean That story. Just in case, he rushes right in: “I was married. To my job. I let it get to me. I knew I liked her a lot but I didn’t want to sacrifice my career to be here.” Okay, enough, here’s the gist of it: he couldn’t eat, sleep, work or sing karaoke any more. He begged pleaded and cajoled until he was allowed to return. Since then, except for that one little blip, which Ed quite understandably omits in this account, things have been just super.
Peggy wants Ed to accompany her into another room for a sixty-six-question quiz. I am not nervous about this, because back in his college days Ed was an SAE, and everyone knows every SAE House has the best “crib files” on campus. Ed tells Peggy his goal is three kids and retiring to Hawaii. She wants him to define Glue and he says it’s honesty and love. I’m a little confused on the glue thing, but Peggy thinks these are Really Good Answers, so we’ll go with that. She tells Jillian she can tell Ed is crazy over her and that as a result Jillian is radioactive, er glowing.
Jillian is not surprised at this because, “I know exactly how Ed feels about me. He told me the other day he loves me. I’m not scared of an engagement or a proposal. If somebody told me it was going to be tomorrow I’d be excited.”
Now it’s Ed’s turn for the heart-to-heart with papa-san, Glenn. Ed assures Glenn that he’s crazy about Jillian and he’ll do whatever it takes to ‘make this work.’ In fact, Ed mentions casually, “Obviously at the end of this somebody could ask her to marry them. If it’s me, whattya think?”
This may not be the most eloquent way to ask for a girl’s ‘hand in marriage’ but that doesn’t bother Glenn, “If it’s yah (Canadian for you), I’ll be real happy. I’ll be turning somersaults.” It is unclear whether Glenn is overjoyed at the prospect of Ed as son-in-law or just worried that Jillian might have been headed toward spinsterhood without his timely arrival on scene. Glenn’s somersaulting talents not demonstrated.
To end the day, the Harris clan asks Ed to join them in traditional native Canadian dance. Wearing grass skirts and Dixie cups attached across the bosom area with rubber bands, everyone hulas across the lawn and Ed puts his moves on papa-san, “Forget Jillian, you’re all mine, Glenn.” Jillian says “I’m so proud of Ed today. Obviously it could have been a disaster and it wasn’t.”
KIPTYN MEETS THE RELATIVES
It’s the next day and Jillian wants us all to know: “When I left the house yesterday, I felt like I was leaving with my fiancée. Then I realized I’m seeing Kiptyn today. Every time I see him I just want to hug him and kiss him.” Kiptyn arrives, and she proceeds to prove the point by dragging him to sofa for major make-out session.
Kiptyn tells us that he’s excited to meet Jillian’s family, but aware that the situation is not optimal. He’s Kiptyn; he’s philosophical: “Every time I see her I feel like I’m with my girlfriend, but there’s someone else in this and if it’s meant to be it will.”
They open the door and Jillian, overcome with joy at seeing her family once again after a whole day, lets out the Scud-Missile-Scream. Since Kiptyn, unlike the other person, has caused no major problems by running back home to his job, he and Jillian have to settle for telling the folks what wonderful first impressions they made on one another. To Jillian, having Kip meet her family is “like the cherry on top.” I have zero idea what this means.
Peggy wants to play her ‘sixty-six questions’ game with Kiptyn. We learn that he wants two children (unclear if Ed gets extra point for wanting three); he thinks thirty or forty years down the road he and Jillian will be “best friends” (unclear if Ed gets extra points for being Retired in Hawaii) and that communication, if not number one on the list of important things in a marriage is pretty darn close (unclear if Ed gets extra points for glue definition).
Ed and Glenn go outside for their man-to-man talk. Having one proposal to his daughter in his back pocket, Glenn doesn’t waste any time, “So Kiptyn, are you or are you not in love with Jillian?”
Kiptyn is a man who can think on his feet: “Well, sir, I’m getting there a lot faster than I thought I would. Jillian’s terrific. She just has this zest for life. When I’m with her we just connect. There’s nothing I want more than marriage and a family. I would be lucky if it were to be her.”
At this, Glenn practically harrumphs, but politely does not put Kiptyn’s feet further to the fire. “Well, with her, you’ve got a partner for life.”
Jillian walks Kiptyn to his waiting car, stopping for further make-out session and platypus-lip kissing. I’m thinking Kiptyn has many amazing qualities, but kissing technique is not one of them.
Jillian tells the camera, “Today I felt like my boyfriend met my family.” (Uh-oh, Ed definitely gets extra point: he gave her the fiancée feeling.) Kiptyn confesses to us that “when I was sitting there [with her dad] I realized I was in love.”
The family gathers to discuss the relative merits of Jillian’s two boyfriends. Jillian hopes her family can help her with the very difficult decision facing her. Everyone’s trying to be even-handed, but Kiptyn’s the clear favorite. Peggy’s drawn to Kiptyn’s energy. She says he shows more feeling than Ed. Ed, she thinks, is quite reserved but obviously feels strongly for Jillian. Grandma deems Kiptyn very very very nice. Hot-chick cousin Tori can hardly contain her enthusiasm for Kiptyn, “Ed’s more work-orientated. Kiptyn balances you.” I’m wondering if work-orientated means Ed’ll be out of town a lot traveling to China and Japan.
Anyway, papa-san Glenn is having none of it. He jumps into the conversation. “Hold up, guys. Ed’s a true gentleman. Besides, he told me he loves you and asked me if he could marry you. I felt comfortable with how he said it. He’s deeper.” (Not to nit-pick, Glenn, but technically what Ed asked you was if somebody were to propose to Jillian how would you feel about it being him.)
Time for girl-talk. Jillian takes hot-chick cousin Tori outside to confess that on her Fantasy Date with Kiptyn they just wanted to rip each other’s clothes off, but that the one with Ed was a bit of a flop. In fact, she tells Tori, the next morning I woke up and thought “wasn’t this supposed to feel different?”
Jillian is fraught with indecision, “I almost just wish for a sign from God, for a lightning bolt to hit me right now.” Don’t worry, sweetie, there are Signs to come.
UP UP AND AWAY WITH ED
Establishing shot of ocean washing over volcanic rocks. Ifestiophobes may want to skip to the next section. Okay, okay, it’s “fear of volcanoes.”
Ed’s excited and a little nervous about having his last date with Jillian. “Tonight’s my last opportunity to close all the loops with Jillian and seal the deal. Tonight’s gotta be a success.”
Jillian’s in agreement: “Ed and I are a basketful of nerves.”
Ed’s waiting at the door, dressed in an outfit assembled from the hotel’s Lost and Found bin. I am sorry to report that this includes a rat-gray depression-era undershirt trimmed in Christmas-tree green and the Camp Tanawanda shorts. Jillian drives up in a cherry-red Jeep. They cruise for a while through smashing scenery and arrive at—wait for it—the Final Helicopter of the season!
The chopper takes off and swoops in low over a steaming volcano. Ed is excited: “Imagine if it erupted, right now.” On cue, volcano Erupts in clouds of smoke. They fly further and there are more volcanoes, all Erupting. I’m hoping that Ed gets the symbolism and feels encouraged. Major smooching ensues. Ed tells us that he doesn’t know if it was the volcano, but it was “heating up in the helicopter.”
The chopper lands and Ed and Jillian proceed down wooden steps through lush greenery to a pool and waterfall. Jillian does her required product placement, mentioning that this fabulous date has been arranged courtesy of Kopokanaki Adventure tours and that as far as romantic dates in Hawaii go, this is the cream of the cream. And no, she did not say, crème de la crème.
There is more smooching and Ed gasps, “Jillian looked real hot.” Ed has heat on his mind. I am hoping that the shady location will help prevent a recurrence of the sunburn and heat exhaustion which caused Ed’s previous problem.
Jillian has to open the dialog, “How’re ya feelin’?”
This brings out the romantic in Ed: “You, why you could be one of my best guy friends. Or, you could also be the person I’m spending the rest of my life with. I think you’re a genius.”
Jillian: “Genius, hnhh?”
Ed: “Cause I’m still here, you’ve kept me around.’ Ha, good one Ed.
Major making out, accompanied by Romantic Guitar Music.
Ed (mid-smooch): “I would never do it again. I would never leave you again.”
Jillian (aside): “I’m looking at Ed and I’m realizing how crazy I am about him.”
This statement is offerred before Ed appears dressed for swimming in the most hideous green mankini trunks in the history of mankind. Ed does not have a six-pack, nine-pack twelve-pack. He does have ample man-mammaries. Ed and Jillian climb up the rocks, jump in the water and proceed with the making out. Ed and Jillian enjoy Jumping from High Places. Ed and Jillian enjoy making-out even more.
Ed is confident in his emotions, but worried about the evening to come: “I am absolutely in love with her. I want to be with her forever. I want tonight to be the perfect night.”
Jillian is also concerned: “Part of me worries he’ll stress out like he did that last night.”
Cut to: Fairmount Orchid Hotel. Night. Bedroom. Ed and Jillian tangled in bed, kissing.
Ed: “Tonight is the last night before you make any big decision. I just want you to know I would like to be with you forever. I love you.”
Jillian says that Ed adores and loves her, that it’s the last piece of the puzzle.
He smothers her with kisses. The lights go out. Another volcano Erupts in flaming lava. Ed’s triumph assumed, not shown.
KIPTYN AT THE BEACH
Kiptyn is waiting for Jillian on a floating dock. He knows the stakes are high: “This is the last time I have a chance to tell her how I feel. I am falling in love with her.” Jillian roars up in Navy Seal inflatable terrorist-fighting speedboat. She tells us: “I can say I love Kiptyn and I think he loves me.”
They take off across the waves at high speed. Jillian thinks this is a metaphor for her life the last few months and that Kiptyn is the best catch she’s ever had in her life. Kiptyn acknowledges that he’s reached the point where he just wants to be with her, “the woman I love.”
When next we see them, they and their picnic-basket are aboard a very narrow paddleboard. Kiptyn is sooo talented: he can paddle the board without flipping over, smooch, and keep his grip on the picnic basket simultaneously. Landing on the black sand beach, he hoists the paddleboard overhead to carry it ashore and the term eye-candy gets new meaning. Kiptyn’s aware that this is the night he has to tell her how he feels. He’s nervous, but excited.
At the Mauna Kea Hotel. Night. Sofa. Kiptyn and Jillian. Finally he’s going to tell her what she’s been begging him to say: “Tomorrow’s a big day; you have to make a decision between two people. If it’s not me I would be hurt. I see a future, a marriage, kids. I’m falling in love with you. You and me, right now, let’s do this. . .I think you should come to San Diego and live with me.”
Despite the fact that women all over the world are screaming at their television screens, “Go pack your suitcase, you nincompoop! Get on the plane to California!” Jillian is cool. She tells us: “I feel like I’m in a fairy tale. I would be so lucky to spend my life with Kiptyn.”
Now we see Jillian and Kiptyn, on the bed, kissing the platypus-lip kiss. The temperature is not elevated. The lights stay on. Not shown: volcano erupting nor presumed to have occurred.
THE BIG DAY DAWNS
Jillian’s in her bed, alone, just waking up. She’s thinking about her decision and the two guys left. Kiptyn’s “the perfect package. He has so much energy.” Ed? She loves his “physical aura” (translation: hot chemistry). “We’ve gone through such peaks and valleys. I’m glad to know that the physical passion is still there.” [This allows us, as viewers, to know that with Ed “all systems are go.”]
She’s thumbing through something that looks like a scrapbook and we discover that both Kiptyn and Ed have written letters to her. Text of letters not shown, assumed to be romantic, sincere and convincing pleas to be chosen as her one and only honeybunch forever.
DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER
One of the tasks the bachelors inevitably leave to the last minute is shopping for an engagement ring. Luckily, Jeweler to the Stars himself, Mr. Neil Lane, thought ahead, designed a bunch of diamond rings exclusively for Jillian and landed on the Big Island just in the nick of time. Kiptyn arrives first, but to get to the secret free ring room, he must ascend the Staircase of Dead Stuffed Turtles on the Wall. I am thinking that possibly it is unfair that Kiptyn gets dead turtles for his metaphor and Ed gets erupting volcanoes.
Kiptyn chooses a totally gorgeous three-carat square-cut stone. Elegant, classy. Very Kiptynish. He says he’d be the luckiest man on earth to be giving Jillian one of these rings. Then Kiptyn goes for a run along the beach, providing what I fear may be our last quality time with his abs.
Ed arrives second, wearing a red tablecloth-checked shirt and flip-flops. I am afraid Mr. Neil Lane may find this so off-putting he will not allow Ed to take home one of his free rings, but Mr. Lane is a nice man who is enjoying being on television with his big diamonds and allows Ed into the free ring room to choose a bauble.
Ed is looking at the rings and hoping Jillian makes the right choice. He appreciates that she’s given him a second chance. He picks a giant pear-shaped stone, not my favorite, but in all fairness it was the most volcanic-looking. Ed does not take a run on the beach. He goes and sits on a tree limb to look at the free ring and practice his proposal speech.
Intercutting. Jillian, Kiptyn and Ed all getting dressed in fancy duds for the big events to come. Jillian’s in her fairy-tale pink almost-wedding-gown dress, crying: “I don’t know how my heart is gonna hold up, having to put one guy in the car that I’m in love with.”
Kiptyn’s wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Enjoy the mental picture. “I’m just gonna walk up and tell her how I feel.” When next we see him, Kiptyn is in the limo in a blue suit, looking pensive: “if she picks me, I see a life with her.” I’m pretty sure she means the guy she’s in love with, not the car.
Ed is in his hotel room in a pair of bright blue underpants. How to describe? Imagine a seventh-grade gym locker-room. A guy wearing undies like those would wind up with his head in the toilet. Luckily Ed’s outer garments are much nicer, a classy gray suit, but a questionable purple tie. “I’ve never been so much in love in my life. I’m going to get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.” Now we see Ed in the limo, looking out the window, very nervous. “Marriage is a huge decision. Every bone in my body is saying she’s perfect for me.”
EVERYBODY WALKS THE GANGPLANK
Jillian’s limo arrives at the site of the FRC and she’s greeted by smiling Helpful Host: “Are you ready?” She nods: “It’s really true, honest, unconditional love. I definitely feel better knowing I have found the person I feel confident making the leap of faith with.” He sends her off, “Well you know what you want to do.”
She picks her way through the puddles of water on the rickety gangplank hastily constructed by ABC interns from scrap lumber and arrives at the Platform of Power. The Posy Podium is a pile of rocks. There’s a bird sitting on it, debating whether or not to snatch the Final Rose to fetch it home to his mate. I am happy to report that this bird has both feet. The Platform is engulfed with orchids, crotons and carnivorous plants.
Jillian stands alone, contemplating. “It weird to think that today will probably be one of the best days of my life. But first I have to go through agony. (talking about the one she’s sending away): I always dreamed of ending up with somebody like him. I have to look him in his eyes and tell him ‘you’re incredible, you’re wonderful, but you’re not the one.”
The first limo arrives; Helpful Host opens the door and it’s Kiptyn. He walks the gangplank to meet Jillian on the Platform of Power. They’re both smiling. He hugs her .She takes his hands in hers. He speaks first, talking about all the wonderful things they’ve done together during the past two months. “I’m nervous, but I’m excited because going through all this I’ve realized these feelings are real. I see kids and a marriage. I love you and I wanna spend this life with you.” Then he waits for her to reciprocate so he can do the kneeling/proposing bit. Ugh, not so fast.
Jillian’s going to quash his hopes: “You are the person from the second I met you, you were like ‘he is incredible’, all the things I’ve always dreamed of. Emotionally with us it’s been slower.” She’s getting bleary-eyed and Kiptyn’s beginning to smell the rat. She drops the blow: “In the meantime, I’ve fallen in love with somebody else.”
Kiptyn is tough: “This hurts. It hurts a lot. I’m a man; I have to get through this, but at least I’m leaving knowing I’ve told you these things. You’re an incredible woman and Ed’s a lucky man.”
Jillian’s fake-crying and fiddling with her hair as she walks him back across the gangplank. Kiptyn claps his hand over his jacket pocket to make sure he hasn’t lost the free ring which nevertheless must be returned within two hours in case of rejection.
She puts him in the limo. He smiles ruefully. As the car pulls out of the driveway, Kiptyn takes the ring out of his pocket and lays it on the seat beside him. The tears in his eyes are nearly spilling out onto those impossibly long eyelashes of his.
Jill tells the camera that: “saying goodbye to Kiptyn was excruciating. I’ve never had to let somebody go I was crazy about. One thing is for sure: that guy is going to make some lucky girl crazy happy.” Amen to that sister.
Kiptyn in the limo is sad and hurt. “I didn’t pull out the ring because I thought she was going to say something back to what I said. I didn’t realize that those were going to be the last words I said to her. I’ve never had my heart broken before, but today I’m definitely heart-broken.”
And now he has.
More panoramic ocean shots, waves crashing on rocks. Back to Jillian on the Platform. She’s expecting Ed. “He’ll be walking down that path in a few short minutes and I could be engaged.”
A vehicle pulls up in front of the house, but it is not the expected limo, but a red taxi-van. The door slides open; a Converse tennis shoe emerges and there stands Reid! Chris is there to meet him, but tells him he’d better hurry, because Ed’s on his way and there could be a showdown.
Jillian looks up, thinking she’s about to see Ed. When she realizes it’s Reid, he hand flies to her heart and a grin covers her face. I’m pretty sure he’s come back with a puppy, maybe a Labrador retriever. Not, it’s just Reid, but that’s almost as good.
He grins and says, “I’m back.” She hugs him, tight. He goes on: “This is crazy; this is insane, and I had to pull like a million strings to do it, but I’m back.” He hugs her and puts his forehead up against hers in that totally adorable way.
She’s nearly speechless. “Reid. . .”
Reid: “Every second on that plane ride back was agony. I was an idiot. Every second I knew you were feeling what I was feeling. I was an idiot. I came back to tell you that I love you and hopefully you feel the same way.”
Jillian: “my God. . .”
Then he leans down and nuzzles her neck. I don’t know about Jillian, but this is killing me.
Reid: “I had a pit in my stomach. I’m like a four-year-old. I told you I liked you thisss much.” (throws his arms out wide) “I love you this much.
Jillian: “I don’t even know what to say right now. Letting you go, I cried that whole night. My connection with you was undescribable. I let you go because you couldn’t make a decision.”
Reid: “I couldn’t but then you let me go. and I thought what the hell was wrong with me, why didn’t I tell her? I don’t see you with either one of those other guys. I see you with me.” He grabs her around the waist and hugs her again.
Jillian: “Oh, God, babe, you know what’s going on here right now?” (As in, this was Not the Plan for Today).
Reid tells her he does indeed and that it’s all wrong. He falls to his knee, pulls out a ring box and offers it to her: “Jillian, I love you and you’re somebody I could spend the rest of my life with.” (Okay, not eloquent, but definitely heart-felt.) She jerks him to his feet and tells him that she was just about to agree to marry somebody else so she has to go inside and think about this.
He does that forehead to forehead maneuver again. Jillian sashays across the gangplank and heads indoors to clear her head. Reid’s left standing alone in the hot sun, wiping his brow, in the middle of the Power Platform, surrounded by man-eating plants.
Meanwhile , we see that Ed’s limo is now on its third loop of the island. Nobody has told him anything; the limo just keeps going and going and going. By this time, he must be wondering if he’s been secretly kidnapped and hoping he might be able to use that sixty-thousand-dollar ring in his pocket to ransom his way out of it.
Stashing his copy of “Counseling for Dummies” under the sofa cushion, Helpful Host tries to comfort Jillian. She’s a wreck, crying and babbling about Reid coming back and loving her and wishing it had happened a long time ago. At first he’s sympathetic and allows her to debate with herself. Then there’s a crackling sound, and he touches the secret microphone in his ear. Rather suddenly, he straightens up and gets tough. (Dialogue exact only as to author’s best recollection.)
“Look, here, Jillian, Reid was an indecisive wimp. That’s why you sent him packing in the first place wasn’t it?”
“Um, hmm,” she splutters through her tears, “but. . .”
Helpful Host interrupts sharply: “No buts about it. If you’re in love with Ed, you have to stand by your convictions.”
All this time poor Reid is left standing out on the sun-drenched platform, contemplating his fate. I’m seriously getting worried that if this drags on much longer, Ed is going to arrive and be so nervous that he’ll walk up and propose to Reid by mistake.
Chris is really wound up now: “Are you excited about Ed getting down on one knee and proposing! Of course you are. You want him to Be Your Husband, don’t you?”
Jillian (meekly): “uh, yes”
Chris: “Well then get out there and ship Reid back to Philadelphia before the whole filming schedule gets shot to pieces.”
Jillian obeys. She walks back out to Reid. He tucks a wisp of hair behind her ear and looks at her tenderly. I’m pretending my eyes are just stinging because of allergies.
She doesn’t even attempt to be gentle. “You’re not crazy; we do have that connection, but you have just about ruined everything coming back here. I’ve fallen in love with somebody else. I woke up this morning and I was Happy. I was excited.”
Reid is crushed: “I don’t know what to say to that.”
Jillian does. “Let’s go.” And she frog-marches him out to his waiting taxi. But she does have a few kind words in parting: “Thank you for coming.” Okay, okay, it was a little nicer than that, something about it meaning a lot to her that he made the gesture, but it still meant the same thing.
Jillian is standing on the walkway, chewing her finger, Reid is in the van near tears, and Ed is about to get car-sick from being driven around in circles. There’s an aerial shot of the highway, no doubt intended to convey the idea of Reid’s humble van and Ed’s extravagant limousine passing one another like ships in the night.
In the van, Reid is puzzled, but not regretful of his actions. “I did what I had to do. I said what I had to say. It just doesn’t make sense. It just wasn’t right.” He takes a big swig from a bottle of vodka. “BLEEP ed.”
THE LAST ROSE OF SUMMER
Jillian heads out across the creaking gangplank for her final encounter. Smiling, she hitches up her dress and announces that she’s “ready to take the plunge” because she’s “one hundred percent in love with Ed.” And, she adds emphatically, “Ed better not BLEEPING disappoint me!”
We are shown the view from the prow of a boat speeding across the water, even as Ed is heading toward his true love. The limo pulls into the driveway, where Helpful Host is waiting. (Not shown, Cesar the limo driver hopping out the door on the other side of the car, desperate for a bathroom break after three hours of circumnavigating Big Island.)
Jillian is grinning like the Cheshire Cat as Ed walks toward her. She takes his hands.
Ed speaks his heart: “You may not know how much you’ve impacted me as a Man. Changed me. Made me reprioritize my life. You’re everything I could ask for in a woman; you’re beautiful, intelligent, you make me smile. I know I love you, but before we go any further, I need to know you love me.” Hey, he had Me at “reprioritize.”
Jillian doesn’t hesitate. She tells him she’s madly in love with him and that she’s been dying to tell him so forever.
Ed sighs. He reaches into his pocket, pulls out the box with Neil Lane prominently written on the top, and says, “one more thing.”
He gets down on one knee. Jillian squeals, does her penguin dance.
Ed proposes: “I want to be with you forever. I want to have a family with you; I want you to give me a hard time when we’re eighty years old.”
She squeals again as he puts the rock on her finger: “Absolutely.”
They hug passionately. She whispers, “Do you know how much fun we’re going to have?”
She picks up the Final Rose. “Ed, will you accept this rose?” He will. Jillian pins it on.
She jumps into his arms and throws her legs around his waist. They twirl. Kiss, hug, soaring music. He hoists her piggy-back and carries her across the gangplank and into their New Life.
We are shown a montage set to romantic stringed instrument music of Jillian and Ed and their Amazing Journey to True Love forever.
I am pleased to say that Season 5 of the Bachelorette has now concluded in a satisfactory manner. Ed and Jillian seem to be very much in love and I am confident they will enjoy a lifetime of wedded bliss. I may or may not invoke the “don’t have to send the wedding present ‘til the couple’s been married for a year” Rule. Time will tell.