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Thread: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

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    Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    Here we are, days away from finding out “who Jillian will choose to be her husband,” and we have two whole hours of television time to fill. I know: let’s have an Episode and call it “The Men Tell All.” Everyone will want to watch that. But, hey, you can’t really allow the men to tell anything: that would spoil the finale and all the After After shows! Hmm. Problem that. Okay, tell you what, we’ll do a recap of Jillian’s Amazing Journey, have a couple of heart-to-heart chats between Jillian and Uncle Chris, then put some of the guys on stage and prod them to see if they’ll actually get into a fist fight. And after that we can have some blooper reels and show like a one-second preview for next week. Great idea, guys. Let’s do it.

    THE AMAZING JOURNEY

    Jillian and Helpful Host are hidden away in a secure undisclosed location, chatting in front of a roaring fire. Hellooo! It’s July: either the air conditioning has been really ramped up, or they’re in a spot where they can See Russia. Helpful Host wants to take Jillian on a trip down Memory Lane with some of the major players. (Dialog exact only as to author’s best recollection.)

    Chris: “What were you thinking, letting that gross Tanner P play with your feet all the time?”

    Jillian: “ Well, gee, Chris aren’t you the prejudiced one? I’ll have you know he was very sweet and as a result I have greatly increased my own ‘foot esteem.’ I look at them all the time now. In fact, I’m thinking of getting plastic surgery to shorten my second toe so my feet will be perfect. But don’t you or anybody else dare suggest I should have my giant nose fixed instead. That would be insulting. I like having a giant nose.”

    Short montage of Dave’s uncouth behavior on crab boat in Vancouver, complete with ass assessment remarks, trying to grab her bosom, and going in for aborted kiss and practically getting slapped in return.

    Chris: “That David Good, boy he sure didn’t live up to His name did he?” (This will be the first of 37 times it is mentioned on the show that David’s last name is Good.

    Jillian(sighing): “I know Chris. It was just shocking to me that any one of these losers would dare to be disrespectful to me. I am the Star of this Show, after all.”

    Chris: “And then we practically had to hospitalize you when Ed ran off and left you.”

    Jillian: “That was sooo tough. As soon as he walked out the door, I felt sick. And then when he comes back after the hometown dates and knocks on my door, all I want to do is crawl up on his lap and kiss him. I mean, I’m sure I should have thought of sending him back home in disgrace, but at that point how many Hot Guys did I have left?”

    Jillian’s words by now are tumbling out of her mouth so fast I’m afraid she’s going to choke on them.

    Chris: “Would you mind swooning a little bit over Kiptyn.”

    Jillian: “Certainly, Chris. But you know, once I got him on that trapeze thing in Hawaii, he didn’t look so perfect did he?” [Montage of Kiptyn negotiating ropes course, accompanied by Circus Calliope Music.] “He looked so much like a baby giraffe I laughed so hard I almost pee’d my pants. I’ll tell you what, Kiptyn won a big part of my heart that day.” [Note to viewers who’ve just joined us: Bachelorette has big preference for men with Previously Broken Hearts, but looking like fool on national TV is excellent substitute Key to Her Heart.]

    Chris: “Okay, you knew it was coming. What about that turkey, Wes. What the heck did you see in him? Boy did you ever look stupid falling all over him.” (In candor, Helpful Host was not Quite that blunt, muttering something about Red Flags, but his meaning was clear.)

    Jillian: “Well, gee, Chris, I told you guys before this ever started that my childhood dream was to fall in love with a country singer covered in ugly tattoos who likes to sit by the fire with his guitar and keep his woman barefoot and pregnant. Yep, I fell for that song of his, all right; bring on the honky-tonk cowboy.”

    Chris (coaching): “But really, was Wes here for the right reasons?”

    Jillian: “Don’t be silly. He was here to be on TV and get famous and sell CD’s. And maybe he had a girlfriend on the side.”

    Chris (moving on): “Boy, did you ever bawl your eyes out when you threw Reid off the island. What do you have to say about that?”

    Jillian: “Oh, I was falling in love with Reid, and to tell you the truth it was the first time I’ve had to dump one of the guys that I wasn’t good and ready. It was tough letting Reid go. Besides, he was Warned: no P word, no L word, no M word, no rose.”

    OUTTAKES

    Magically whisked into the studio from their secure undisclosed location, Jillian and Helpful Host will be commenting on some of the exceptional moments during the season of which we have been previously deprived. There is a nonsensical bit with Special K of the Harlem Globetrotters who tells her that Kiptyn is a cheater and that he really likes Dave, who he can tell is “one of the good guys.” Special K needs to stick to his day job and forget the character analysis gig.

    The next scene is worth the price of admission: It’s Ed with Jillian after the cocktail party in Vancouver. He is knee-walking drunk. He and Jillian are sitting on a sofa and she’s plying him with her usual twenty-questions. Ed twists his mouth into one of those looks your mother used to warn you your face might get permanently frozen into, and slurs, “Thash a lotta worrrds you just thereww a’ me.” He slaps her on the knee, hard enough to dislocate her ACL: “I’m na’ tha’ drunk.”

    She tries to walk him out to the elevator to send him off to bed, with a whiny, “If you’re not drunk, then you don’t care about me.” He teeters unsteadily for a few seconds, then takes his finger and waves it around until it touches her nose: “Stoooppp it.” He does some sort of dance in which he looks like a cross between Gumby and a Transformer. Then he grabs her in a bear hug and seems intent on carrying her off to his cave. Jillian is rightfully concerned both that her ultra-mini dress is going to reveal what lies beneath and that he’s going to crush her like a trash compactor. I’m wondering how many times Ed got expelled from college for public drunkenness, but Jillian finds the whole thing Adorable, Cute and Hilarious. In fact, she says, she spent the rest of the night in her room reliving the experience and laughing uncontrollably. Ed apparently spent the night choosing his wardrobe for the rest of the season.

    The remainder of the outtakes are mild by comparison: there’s a snowball fight with Mark and Mike in Vancouver, the train missing the station and having to back up to dump Robby by the tracks in Canada, and Reid as the worst hula dancer on the planet in Hawaii. Turning serious, we get to see Jillian visiting Kip’s charity in San Diego, “Stand Up for Kids”, which provides homeless kids with a place to sleep, eat and get counseling. It’s a pretty amazing place, and even the woman who works there gets emotional when she talks about Kiptyn. (That rustling sound you hear in the background is the Mother Teresa Prize Committee members Twittering about Kiptyn.)

    RETURN OF THE LOVE-BIRDS

    For some unfathomable reason, it has been decided that we need an update on the Great American Love Story of the Spineless Wonder and the Blonde Hussy, last season’s Jason and Molly. They are welcomed with polite applause. No shoes are thrown. Molly has been loaned a green lettuce-like garment created during the Project Runway competition: “The Produce Department at Walmart.” She has dyed her hair a mousy brown (or let it go back to its original color) in an effort to look sincere and persecuted.

    Helpful Host is ohhh so sympathetic. He clucks, “So tell us about it. What was it like?” As in: What was it like being the most hated couple in America, and that includes Brangelina? Molly begins to wail: “It was horrible; everybody was picking on us. Television, newspapers, magazines (well, except for People and they paid us a bunch to be on the cover), the Internet. You have no idea how awful it was. And furthermore, it took us two whole days to get back together after Jason got rid of that tramp.” Jason admits that he was so dense he had no idea the world wasn’t going to be thrilled he kicked Melissa to the curb for the incomparable Molly.

    We are now treated to a moving collection of film clips which Prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jason and Molly are madly in love and get together on a semi-monthly basis, though always in public parks (no doubt often camping out in beautiful pup tent gifted them by show), never in real house, and that little Ty is so crazy about his potential step-mother that once when the ABC camera-man told him to, he pretended to tickle her. Just a sec, I need to dry the tears off my keyboard. Sorry, that was just so emotional for me.

    Nevertheless, it is quite certain that Molly still feels put upon, and that it is grossly unfair that Melissa got to be on Dancing with the Stars and Good Morning America and a hot new fiancée. Jason, on the other hand, is very proud of his role in all this, taking credit for everything from the discovery of penicillin to the Moon Landing, and particularly Melissa’s Happiness—all because he was Brave enough to be a Jerk on national TV. And by the way, we are given to understand that Jason and Molly are on the very brink of getting hitched, even though they still reside some million miles apart. Assumed, not shown, Blonde Hussy alone in her apartment in Wisconsin, X-ing out the remaining days on the calendar she’s contractually obligated to “be with” Spineless Wonder.

    ENTER THE SCOUNDRELS

    Helpful Host tells us that we’re about to get to spend some time with favorite bachelors of the season, although that no-count Wes is “unable to be here” and Reid has “a prior engagement.” That leaves us with the motley crew of Mathue, Sasha, Baseball Mike, Tanner Toes, Michael, Tanner F, Mark, David, Brian, Robby, Juan, Jesse, and Captain America, Jake, for whom “The Crowd Goes Wild!” with screams and applause. Aw shucks.

    To save us all time and energy, here’s the movie-minute version of what the guys have to say: Tanner tells us all about how nasty it was living with the guys in the bunkhouse and that he’s now world famous for loving feet. Sweet Michael Stagliano is surprised how much he fell for Jilllian and now he knows exactly what he wants in a wife. Baseball Mike (Big Mike) fell for her hard. Jake was so nervous the first night he was scared his tie was going to strangle him. Judging from what comes next, he should have been a lot more worried about being strangled by his fellow suitors in the bunkhouse while snuggled up in his footie pajamas.

    Now we’re shown footage of all the “drama” in the house with the guys pretty much universally expressing the opinion that Jake was “wrong” for Jillian. Robby is shown mixing up cocktails. Wes and his guitar appear: Reid says Wes is here for his music and Ed says Wes is a “country singing turd.” Pretty much everyone calls Tanner P a snake for ratting that someone has a girlfriend. A bunch of the guys say bad things about Dave. Juan gets his own Anti-Juan segment of the montage, and it ends with Bad David Good raging about Juan. Helpful Host Chris is thrilled: “It’s like a buffet for the host.” Discussion follows.

    Jesse begins by claiming that America got a different impression of Jake than the guys did, then Mark interrupts to make fun of Jake calling himself a black sheep when he’s a pilot and his family are all doctors. Mark has a real problem with Jake because it took Captain America three hours to untuck his shirt for a rose ceremony, causing real inconvenience to the other attendees and besides the worst movie Jake ever watched was rated R and that does not make him One of the Guys. Tanner P accuses Jake of “Pulling a Mesnick” by crying and pretending to throw up over the balcony at the hotel. (For those of you who have just joined us, “pulling a Mesnick” is not a good thing.) Sasha apparently hates Jake’s guts and accuses him of being an actor. Jake turns around and tells Sasha, “F you!” and gets BLEEPED, making him, of course, Very Manly and Helpful Host is thrilled at this “reunion show first” and poor Michael S. has to calm everyone down by pointing out that Captain America is the nicest guy there, who would never say bad things about the others.

    MAN CODE DECODED

    Helpful Host is now going to allow Bad David Good, who has decided to emulate his hero, the Unabomber, in facial hair as well as actions, to rant and rave some more about Huwann and how he broke the Man Code. The worst violation, according to Bad David Good, is that when everyone was toasting with shots, Huwann threw his in the flower pot, then wiped his mouth and complained about how it burned going down. And furthermore, Huwann would stay by himself in the bunkhouse all day while the guys were downing beers, and then when the cameras or Jillian showed up, he’d jump into casual clothes, come downstairs, grab a beer and pretend he’d been hanging with the guys all along. The guys try to be nice to Huwann, but more or less agree with Dave that Huwann wasn’t exactly one of the guys and that whole thing with the shots was pretty lame.

    Helpful Host won’t leave it at that. “So, Dave, explain to me, what exactly IS Man Code?”

    Dave retorts that it’s an unspoken code (which a Real Man would know without asking), and that a big part of it is not sleeping with your friends’ girlfriends. Helpful Host prods: “Well, isn’t being on the Bachelorette breaking the Man Code? You’re all Fishing in the Same Pond.” Way to go, Chris baby, just insinuate Our Girl has hinges on her heels.

    After the guys all jump in with their two-cents worth about “Why Dave Hates Juan” Juan ineffectually tries to explain his definition of Man Code is just being a gentleman. ( I’m thinking if Huwann had been adopted I bet his parents would have returned him to the orphanage.) “Besides,” claims Huwann about the shot of whiskey, “I drank half of it.” Helpful host jumps in with, “Why should he have to explain. Who gives a crap?” Not me, that’s for sure. And yet, he has one more burning question, does Helpful Host: “So tell me Dave, were you really going to tie Huwann to a tree and kick him to death?” Dave demurs. “Well, then,” crows Chris, “I guess when you said you wanted him to drown himself you meant ‘Let’s hug it out.’”

    I’m beginning to feel just the tiniest bit sorry for Bad David Good, for we are now shown a montage of him being a total boor with Jillian on the crab boat in Vancouver--trying to get his hand on her boobs and discussing her derriere. Dave is unperturbed. To him talking about a girl’s ass is a compliment. Besides, he says, by that time he’d been there a month and he’d covered just about every other topic: her eyes, her personality, all that stuff. Anyway, Helpful Host thinks this is just awful and he hopes if Jillian comes out on stage and is still Unhappy, Bad David Good will apologize. Later in the show, we shall see, that she is Unhappy and he does Apologize. But he still can’t figure out what the big deal was. It’s Man Code after all.

    CAPTAIN AMERICA SAVES THE BACHELORETTE

    The next segment, subtitled “In Which Jake is Rewarded for Being a Toadie,” is intended solely to convey the show’s appreciation to Captain America for being a good soldier and coming back to tattle-tale on Wes because that useless Yodeler was making a fool of the show and of Jillian and He Had to Be Stopped. During this segment, Jake will frequently be interrupted by the audience’s applause as well as oohs and aahs of appreciation.

    Of course, there’s a nice little montage of Jake’s Journey with Jillian, all the while Captain America has to watch himself being rejected by his One True Love and is so overcome he has to bite his lip to keep from crying at watching Himself on television. Helpful Host of course provides him the opportunity to gush about Jillian being this perfect angel with whom he was soo falling in love until she Turned Cold and picked Other Guys for the hometown dates, leaving him in such shock that for a whole week, every minute of every day he was Thinking About Jillian. Whew, that was exhausting.

    Helpful Host is almost speechless, this is so moving. But he has a job to do. “When did you decide to become a Rat and come back and blow the whistle on the Yodeler? And by the way, isn’t that violating Man Code?” Which, naturally, allows Captain America to explain about duty, honor, country and ‘doing the right thing.’ The other guys are hooting at this; Dave accuses Jake of “crying like a baby” and Jesse thinks Jillian’s a big girl and can make her own decisions. The Audience is having none of it. They looove Jake, especially the lucky three girls who have been assigned to Ask Difficult Questions of him. The last one innocently wants to know “If they asked you to be the next Bachelor, which I so totally think that they should, would you do it?” Jake, who may be a better actor than he has been given credit for, looks appropriately abashed, grins and allows as how “Aw Shucks, I haven’t really thought about it, but Gee, what an Honor that would be.” (I’m thinking I may be the one who has to call up Captain America and tell him that he ain’t never gonna be the Bachelor because he has completed his assignment and besides, he doesn’t meet the Minimum Height Requirement.) Helpful Host praises obedient audience, “Well, anyway, we’ve got our bachelorettes right here.”

    NOT LAUGHING LAST

    Naturally, no reunion show could be complete without a little review of “the most hated bachelor of all time” the Yodeler. Chris pretends regret that “unfortunately Wes could not join us.” Not to worry, we can still ridicule him. Just to remind us of how much fun he provided, there’s a montage of “Wes’s Journey” which begins at the Meet and Greet as he proudly tells Jillian he’s just a good ole boy from Austin, TX, yes ma’am. Then he hitches up the lapels on his “Look at me, I’m a country singer” suede jacket, gives that snide look, and we’re off to the races.

    Discussion follows. No one believes Wes was “there for the right reasons.” (If somebody has a list of those, could you please pass them along? I seem to have misplaced my copy.) Tanner Toes says he “always knew he was here to play the banjo and sell CD’s.” Tanner F confides Wes told him The Song and others like it were written for girlfriends back home. Mark opines that even if somebody’s a crummy musician they’re still going to play. Mike offers that Wes isn’t smart enough to trick Jillian.

    Chris jumps in. “Don’t you put that on him! He had a number one hit in Chihuahua, Mexico!” ZAP

    Audience participation is now invited, and in random, in no way pre-assigned order by ABC Producers, various members offer their impressions of the Yodeler. “Wes was there for the wrong reasons.” “Wes was a joke from the get-go. Jake did the right thing.” “He used the show to advance his own career.” Just to prove how democratic we are, there will now be an audience vote on Wes’s credibility. I’m not saying the vote was fixed, but I think Wes’s dog would have gotten more votes.

    To send the Yodeler off in the style he deserves, we shall give him a Musical Tribute. Some sort of Dragnet-sounding, fear-inducing music is played and Tribute is paid to “Wes saying idiotic things while Drunk as a Skunk.” The conclusion of the piece is a medley of Wes singing “Looove It Don’t Come Easy” in which he sounds more like a coyote caught in a trap than a lovesick swain. Still, he’ll always have Chihuahua.

    Chris pronounces the benediction: “One thing’s for sure. Love it don’t come easy.”

    STAND UP FOR JILLIAN

    Chris wants us to welcome the Bachelorette who “has gone through more struggles than any Bachelor or Bachelorette ever.” What, she lived through some measles epidemic I missed?

    Never mind, here’s Our Girl and she gets the Standing O from the dudes and the audience. She ignores the flashing neon sign that’s telling everyone to “stand up and cheer” and pretends to be overcome with surprise and humility.

    “So,” Chris says, trying to put her at ease, “What’s it like to be back after watching the show and finding out The Truth.”

    Well, first of all, Jillian wants us to know that she is So Proud of Juan after All That He Went Through. Bad David Good is shaking his head in disbelief. I’m thinking she sounds like the kindergarten teacher telling the class it’s OK Johnny wet his pants because it was a very scary story and anybody might have done the same.

    Bad David Good has to Apologize about the whole “hot ass” thing, but naturally, being a real sweetheart, Jillian forgives him. But hey, what about “what’s their names” sitting up in the bleachers. Oh, right. Well, Mike Steinberg was a tough one to let go, and my goodness she just sobbed over sending Stagliano back to Harlem to teach breakdancing and oh, yeah, that Reid person, he was another one it wasn’t easy to say bye to.

    By this time she’s blabbering about a hundred miles a minute and I’m worried she’s forgetting to breathe and may pass out any time.

    Chris has to remind her about Captain America coming to “save the day.” Oh, right, well, that was a toughie: “We had a nice time.” Anxious to get in another swear word, Jake pipes up: “Damn! I wanted to get you to Dallas to meet my preacher and all the guys in my Sunday School Class.” Jillian primly assures him that it was just a matter of not wanting to ‘lead him on’ and hurt his feelings.

    Chris isn’t going to let her ignore her Big Mistake. “Let’s talk about Wes. You’ve seen the show; do you think you handled it right?

    Her porcupine quills shoot out: “I’ll have you know I am an Excellent Judge of Character. How dare you question me? And as for that weasel Jake, I’ll make my own decisions, thank you very much.”

    There are a couple more comments from the guys. Sweet Michael is just grateful that he got to meet her and he wants her to know he’s okay and not binging on Haagen Daaz. Idiot Huwann tells her her feet are hot. Not shown: Tanner P plotting with Bad David Good for revenge.

    A Bloopers Reel consists of vignettes of Jillian unable to execute line that “these guys keep getting hotter and hotter”, Ed saying he remembers farting at the Rose Ceremony, Jillian pretending to have an orgasm over pepperoni pizza, one of the Walmart frames of fame falling on Jillian during Deliberation Drama and her demonstrating “finger-pulling” technique to Helpful Host. I’m hoping Kiptyn’s relatives are watching the BBC instead.

    Then comes The Question Chris must ask, “Jillian, are you Happy?”

    Jillian (deadpanning): “I’m extremely happy. It all turned out good in the end.”

    Not shown, or presumed to have occurred: confetti and balloons falling from ceiling.

    Oh, sorry, it was so boring I almost forgot: there is a montage for Kiptyn (is he too perfect and will he break her heart?) If you’re keeping score, he gets the soaring, fake- John-Williams movie theme music. Then there is one for Ed—(“The way her and I connect is hard to describe. Her and I are on the same wave length.”) She loves his legs, arms and hair. Funny, I thought it looked like somebody put a bowl upside down on his head and cut around it.

    Next Week: “An emotional season finale and a dramatic conclusion.” Please, somebody put them out of their misery.

    Epilogue—What I Learned at the MTA: The predominant activity reported for bachelors participating in Season 5 of the Bachelorette was swilling booze and eating beans from a can. Consequences followed.
    Last edited by BritLit; 07-21-2009 at 10:45 PM.
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  2. #2
    REIDiculous sallys's Avatar
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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    oh my goodness

    I laughed every time there was a "Bad David Good"
    REIDiculous - SALLY

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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    I'm still crying from laughing so hard...

    ...Ed spent the night choosing his wardrobe for the remainder of the season.....HILARIOUS!!! All of it, hilarious!

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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    Brit Lit - I look forward to your recaps as much as the actual show. I'll be going into double jeopardy withdrawal when the show ends!

    My favorite line this week: The next scene is worth the price of admission (referring to Ed's drunkenness), followed by choosing his wardrobe for the remainder of the season!

    You're the best! Thanks for plying your wit and talents with us Bachelor(ette) morons!

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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    I was amazed when you did the HTD episode recap and had turned such a boring episode into such a fun read. You've done it again! Guess I wasted a half hour or so worrying on your behalf, lol. Terrific job, BritLit! I don't know how you do it, but you do. My favorite line has already been cited: the hidden truth behind Ed's wardrobe selection process. My second:
    (I’m thinking I may be the one who has to call up Captain America and tell him that he ain’t never gonna be the Bachelor because he has completed his assignment and besides, he doesn’t meet the Minimum Height Requirement.)
    Thanks for a good time!
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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    QUOTE -- Idiot Huwann tells her her feet are hot. Not shown: Tanner P plotting with Bad David Good for revenge.

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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    Her porcupine quills shoot out: “I’ll have you know I am an Excellent Judge of Character. How dare you question me? And as for that weasel Jake, I’ll make my own decisions, thank you very much.”

    Did you really call Captain America a weasel? :-)

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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    My favorite quote:

    Then there is one for Ed(典he way her and I connect is hard to describe. Her and I are on the same wave length.) She loves his legs, arms and hair. Funny, I thought it looked like somebody put a bowl upside down on his head and cut around it.

    ***************

    Looks that way to me, too!

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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    Britlit....: That was terrific and put the whole show into a real perspective. Thanks. I haven't watched this bachelor/bachelorette series before and I doubt I will again.... What a bunch and the bachelorette and all her kissing and alcohol....

    I don't think anyone has won except maybe Juan (I liked him) and the classy Kypten... And suspect Reid is home with his brothers just waiting to tell all....

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    Re: Bachelorette 5由ecap 7/20: MTA, The Moonshine Inquisition

    Quote Originally Posted by BritLit;3597719;
    Ed apparently spent the night choosing his wardrobe for the rest of the season.
    Ahahahahahaha! This almost made me spit out my apple juice.

    Why WERE his outfits so mismatched?!?!?!
    的 started shaking my butt really fast because it痴 the only thing I know how to do.

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