Bachelorette 5--Recap 6/29: Return of the jEDi

[BritLit]

I had a horrible nightmare last night. I dreamed the Yodeler and his band had somehow sneaked into my house. Oh, wait, it wasn’t a dream—it was last night’s episode of “The Bachelorette: This Girl Doesn’t Have the Sense God Gave Lettuce Edition.”

For those of you who may be new to the party, here’s a quick explanation of the “Home Town Dates”: the bachelorette travels to the guys’ hometowns to meet the parents of each of her (usually 4, this time 5) final guys, pretending in each case that she is totally entranced by their son and that her life will be incomplete until she has, in the space of 15 minutes, established a warm and loving bond with his family. The families in turn pretend that their son has never met such a beautiful, intelligent, warm or thoughtful woman, has never (excepting of course, the obligatory former relationship ending in broken heart for said son) been so attracted or devoted to a female before in his whole entire life. Each season, one or more of the family visits may be designated to be shown as the “amusing incident” or “these people are complete fools, what are you thinking girl” part of the program. Recent examples include a funeral for a feathered friend, a mother with witch-like powers and, of course, the infamous “Thailand Thailand Thailand” episode.

Just so we know we’re changing locales, we have a shot of Jillian departing the Canadian wilderness and telling us she’s about to take the next step on this amazing journey, going to the guys’ hometowns to meet their families.

Almost Thirty

First up: REID, in his native Philadelphia, waiting for his lady-love, sitting in front of City Hall amidst the cherry blossoms, coffee in hand. (ABC intern forcing barrista to lace coffee with brandy assumed, not shown.) Jillian enters, squealing. I am happy to report that I have at last identified the sound most like our girl’s signature squeal: it is exactly the sound an incoming missile makes just before it blows a building to smithereens.

Their conversation lacks a bit of spontaneity:

Jillian: “I’m nervous.”

Reid: “Umm, I was nervous too. I haven’t been here forever.” Really, ever?

Nose Nuzzle, Minor Kiss

Reid: “Let’s walk.”

It seems Reid has planned an entertaining day for Jillian seeing a condo unit his firm has listed for sale. Uh, call me old-fashioned but you’re in Philadelphia and the best you can do is take the girl to see a piece of property that’s been an albatross around your firm’s neck for the last year? No rowing on the Schuylkill, visiting the Liberty Bell? Okay, in fairness the condo building’s name was “Liberty Place”; maybe that counts.

Now we head home to meet mom Rhonda, dad Larry and brothers Britt and Chet and learn all about the family real estate business, in which Reid became involved at the age of 18, doing such important tasks as “holding the door open for families with little kids.” We now have conversations with various family members in which we learn that (a) Reid has a commitment problem—as in “don’t count on a proposal from this one, sister, he’s already had his heart broken” and (b) everyone wishes Reid could make decisions for himself without requiring prior family approval. His dad says if Jill’s a good match, Reid should “go into it head over heels.” (Insert reminder of snowboarding date and Jillian reporting Reid “fell head over heels for me today”. Subliminal Clue.)

After grandma and the sisters-in-law and requisite cute kids show up with birthday cake for Reid’s thirtieth birthday, Reid surprises everyone by smooching with Jillian right there in front of them. Date ends with further smooching on front porch. In Confidential Interviews, Jillian and Reid express optimism for finding True Love Forever with one another. This week’s on-screen time for Reid: ten minutes. For those keeping score: Fear Factor (4): roses, fondues, raw veggies and own home town.

Seeing Double

Next up: Junior Bachelor candidate MICHAEL at home in Valencia, CA. We’re going to meet his parents Frank and Lynn and his identical twin, Steve. I’m hoping these two aren’t like Gremlins, which multiply when wet. Michael greets Steve’s arrival with impressive trampoline-style jumping on non-rebounding surface. A Corgi occupies the sofa. Corgi, though also joyful, unable to participate in jump-fest owing to dumpiness of legs. Michael assures everyone that the girl about to walk in the door is “adorable” and “smokin’ hot.” Doorbell rings. More trampoline jumping. “Jillyunn” introduced to family.

Upstairs, scamps Michael and Steven exchange outfits in diabolical scheme to do a “twin switcheroo” on Jillian. Michael threatens Steve that he will “hit him in the face” should Steve be so unwise as to attempt to kiss bachelorette. Plan fails; Jillian immediately recognizes Michael. Mrs. Stagliano, who looks terrific for a woman who’s survived 26 years with duplicate Michaels, tells Jill “hearing Michael talk about you surprises me. He just adores you.”

Michael and his dad have a heart to heart in which he expresses above adoration but fear of “getting my heart flattened.” Meanwhile, Steve asks Jillian if she’s worried about “the age difference” but reassures her that he and bro have “always wanted to be fathers at a young age.” Hmm, they even say the same sentences, those twins. There’s dancing in the living room. Very sweet. Michael tells his dad, “You remind me of Antonio Banderas.” A surprise guest appearance is made by sister, Jenna, come all the way from Australia just for the occasion. Suitable enthusiasm shown by Michael.

After assurances all round of mutual “wonderfulness” date ends. Michael gets a good-night kiss but it’s the kind usually indulged in by a couple of junior high kids wearing braces. Michael’s allotted screen time: ten minutes. Okay, we’re twenty minutes into the episode and we’ve already finished off two perfectly good families. We could have done this via email.

Caution: Perfection Ahead

Standing on the beach near Encinitas, CA with a couple of balloon glasses of wine, is KIPTYN. Jillian arrives. “Incoming!” “Duck and Cover!” Okay, it was just The Squeal. Run-jump into his arms. Today she’s going to meet his mom Eve, his stepdad Earl, his sister Davica, his brother Bryce and Bryce’s girlfriend Nancy. I’m wondering if Bryce is psychologically damaged by not having cool name like Kiptyn or Davica. J eloquently inquires if he thinks his parents will be “pumped”. I’m hoping she means excited, not high on illegal substances.

Kiptyn’s perfect family live in a perfect house in a perfect setting. In fact, Jillian’s worried she won’t fit in: “Kip’s family is educated, well-traveled, refined. They all speak four or five languages. They might think I’m a hillbilly.” Family greeting Jillian in Urdu, Swedish and Mandarin Chinese not shown, but I did notice a Revere silver bowl on Chippendale chest overflowing with proper pronouns. And judging by the fact the editors felt it necessary to pixellate the painting on the wall, I’m guessing it’s by an artist who doesn’t do a lot of his paintings on velvet.

Moving out to the patio, Kiptyn’s parents have a bit of teasing in store for Our Girl. They’ve surrounded the Jacuzzi with CAUTION tape, telling her they’ve seen a few episodes of the Bachelorette. She isn’t intimidated: “That won’t stop me.” Now, for those of you who think this isn’t hilarious, I urge you to try it on the neighbors’ garage sometime when they’re out of town. And trust me, it’s even funnier when you use the “Police Line, Do Not Cross” tape.

Eve and Earl have set up a cute little “taste test” for Jillian, with a couple of different lasagnas and red wines. She passes with flying colors, but the contest had to have been rigged because Eve throws the “losing” entrants into the bushes, mumbling something that sounded like ‘in our house we feed this swill to the pigs.’ Whew, close call for our girl proving her worthiness to marry the Prince.

Eve and Jillian sit down for a chat. She asks Jillian some excellent questions and Jillian replies with a non-sequiter about her best friend getting married the year before and it being “the best day of her life” and with rather a lot of whining about how hard she’s had to work for her happiness, and nobody loves poor little old me, yada yada.

Sis Davica has Kiptyn on the hot seat (remarks accurate only as to author’s best recollection): “So, do you think she’s the one calling all the shots? Not that she isn’t great of course, just hate to see you pushed around like a sissy. Please tell me you are not seriously considering proposing to a girl on a reality TV show.” Kiptyn: “No, no there’s no pressure. To ask her to marry me three weeks or a month from now would be premature.” Obviously Kiptyn has never seen one of the episodes featuring bachelor being force-marched on ring-shopping mission.

The date ends well with Kiptyn and Jillian in hot tub, smooching, Mom spying through kitchen window. Kiptyn observes, correctly, that a Jacuzzi seems to be where all their dates eventually end. The world’s most insecure bachelorette ever wants to know if Kiptyn thinks she’s Worthy of the Manor. Kiptyn: “Well, sure, babes, you always make a good impression.” Good answer. More smooching. Kiptyn’s allotted screen time: ten minutes.

The Country Boy

Moving on up to northern California, a great huge and enormous green and yellow John Deere tractor comes chugging up. The driver, whose choice of a sports coat indicates that he did not receive the memo about suitable farming attire, is none other than the Adonis himself, JESSE. Jillian emerges from large terrorist-attack-proof black SUV. Squeal level closer to Roman candle than large munitions level. Nevertheless, he merits the run, jump hug. “Welcome to Sully Winery, where we make Kovacs Brothers Wine.” Note to Jillian: Here’s one with an actual J.O.B. Not that you care, but just thought it worth mentioning.

After a leisurely cruise aboard the tractor, Jesse and Jillian settle in for a picnic atop a scenic hill. Ever the brilliant conversationalist, she asks, “So what have you been thinking the last few days?” Jesse: “Basically, I just wanted you to come out here and feel comfortable.” Aww. Jillian expresses for the umpteenth time her concern that the two of them have “started slowly.” As if he’d had any say in the matter. Yellow Card to Jesse: By now you should have expressed undying devotion and abject fear of spending life with anyone but our girl.

So it’s off to meet the family, mother Betty, brother Jacob, whose hair style is a tribute to either Fabio or Rip Van Winkle, and dad Joseph. Jesse tells Jillian that his dad emigrated to America from eastern Europe when he was only eighteen. Jillian asks Jake if he’s dating anyone. He replies cryptically: “I’m concentrating on my business. You guys are expensive. (explaining) Girls.” Jillian assures him she’s a cheap date. Dad offers a lovely toast. In Hungarian. Another one of those annoying foreign languages.

Various conversations ensue, most revolving around the fact that Jesse is thought to be a late bloomer, who starts slowly in relationships. Jake, in fact describes his brother as “an emotional ice cube” but admits that he’s more openly affectionate with Jillian than he’s seen with any other girl. Jacob is also curious: “Have you guys been naked together yet?” Jillian assures him that, no, the nakedness does not occur for at least two more weeks. Eensy teensy bikinis do not qualify for nakedness category.

We also find out from Jesse that he had a three-year relationship which he broke off in order to concentrate on his business. He’s obviously impressed with Jillian, telling his dad that she’s “super successful, independent, owns her own house.” Turns out the family is musical, and rocks out with their own band. Jesse is, according to Jillian “pretty good on those drums.” The family tucked away elsewhere, Jillian and Jesse settle in for a good smooching session on the family-room sofa. He tells her that “every time I see you, I just want to take another step.”

Jesse’s Confidential Interview reveals that “If I could compare Jillian with a good wine, like as much as you want to drink it, you come back to it years later, you just want to take it all in.” I have zero idea what that means, but I’m sure the sentiment was well-intentioned. Camera on continued smooches. Jesse’s allotted screen time: ten minutes.

Barroom Brawl

For WES’s date, we have travelled to the great state of Texas, (as yet unsuccessful in its quest to secede from The Union) to the capital city of Austin. The next four days, eleven hours, twenty-two minutes and sixteen seconds of the show will now be devoted to The Yodeler’s (as he shall henceforth be known) hometown date. Beg as you may, he is not getting a proportionate share of this recap.

Jillian is excited, and tells us that even though she’s been lusting after The Yodeler since Day One, there’s something “held back” in their relationship. The terrorist-attack-proof black SUV has been flown out for her use, and she emerges, looking suitably Westernized in denim jacket and boots. Major Squeal. Think ‘V-2 rockets destroying the city of London loud’ squeal.

Wes greets her with his smarmy charm. “What up girl?” He tantalizes her with a huge surprise: she’s going to get to meet his “other family”—his B.A.N.D. Jillian happily admits “my heart is going a mile a minute. I’m so lucky.” Wes, on the other hand, acknowledges to the camera: “Right now, what’s at stake for me, I have a new CD coming out. This is like my church right here. No drug, no woman can get you to feel the way you feel onstage. You cannot beat that feelin’ with a bat. I haven’t give Jillian a CD yet, but she will have one before she leaves Austin.” Could there Be a more generous heart, I ask you?

Grandiosely, he swings open a gate to reveal his band set up on a stage at the rear of Hill’s Café. The dumpsters and trash cans which normally occupy the space have been removed for this command performance. The Band plays; the Yodeler sings. “Love It Don’t Come Easy.” Jillian is grinning like the Cheshire Cat and dancing around the alley: “I thought my heart was gonna jump out of my chest!” Restaurant kitchen staff speaking foreign language assumed, not shown.

The performance mercifully ended, Jillian wants some reassurance from Her Guy: “So what happens if this all takes off (meaning multi-platinum record sales, Grammy Awards and features in national magazines, presumably)—you think we make a good team? Am I your type?” Wes is not modest. “Hey, it’s already taken off. You better jump on the train. It’s already rollin’. You’re my type, but here’s the deal; I have to have you to myself. I don’t even know what to say because I’ve gotten myself so far into this and now it’s like I’m stuck here.”


Jillian jumps in: “You need to know something, I’m crazy about you.” Wes counters: “I’m not a good liar. I’m here for you; I told you that when we were snowboarding. I don’t ever want to have to say that again. I wanna make this work.” Translation: Shut up, you stupid cow and go get me a beer. Conversation ended with compensatory kiss. Jillian assures the world: “Wes is probably the most incredibly talented guy I’ve ever dated.” Now that is downright sad.

While the erstwhile concert has been ongoing, trouble is afoot back at the hotel. There’s a guy rolling a suitcase down the hall. Camera pans up. He’s wearing a pilot’s uniform, aviator sunglasses carelessly tucked into his epaulettes . Why it’s, no, it couldn’t be, he’s been eliminated. But it is. It’s Captain America, JAKE! Here he comes to save the day: “it’s not fair that Wes came here and he’s playing with Jillian’s heart; I’m gonna put a stop to it today.”

Captain America is in his hotel room. He picks up his pretend Dick Tracy Shoephone to make a pretend call to his imaginary friend Tanner. The pretend conversation goes like this: “So, Tanner, you almost blew the whistle on that snake Wes at the rose ceremony, but you were too chicken, so I’m here to finish the job for you. Whattya think about that? Well, yeah, it’s gonna hurt her, but not as much as waking up finding herself in some ratty old RV with a bunch of has-been musicians, married to that good for nothing low-life.” “Oh, good, I’m glad you think it’s such a great idea.” Intensive detective work has revealed that “Tanner’s” side of the conversation went as follows, “Please press one to obtain your balance, press two to inquire about a check, press three for recent transactions. Please hang up and try your call again.”

Now, I know what you’re all asking yourselves: How in the heck did Captain America manage to find out where Jillian was staying? And I have the answer. For days he’d been tirelessly flying back and forth across the state in his little red and white toy airplane, hoping to find some sign of his Lost True Love, when lo and behold, there on the roof of the Fairmount Austin were a gaggle of interns from the local ABC affiliate waving red bandannas and shouting, “She’s here. Save her Captain America. Save her.” From there, as you may imagine, it was an easy thing to land his toy plane in the Walmart parking lot, and follow the trail of bread crumbs straight to Jillian’s room.

Knock Knock. Who’s There? Jillian opens the door and finds to her surprise, not the Yodeler, but Captain America. “Jaaaaaaaaaaake. How are you? Come on in.” They sit on the sofa. Clearly she’s expecting a plea to reconsider the good captain’s eviction. Not so. He’s in total agony. How’s he gonna tell her this terrible thing?

Jake: “I’m not here to get you back. You know I came and did this with the right intentions. I think you’re gonna have a hard time with some of the guys. One guy in particular.”

Jillian doesn’t miss a beat: “Is it Wes, is it because of his career?” Funny that was the first name that popped into her head.

Jake (whose body, he tells us, ‘just went numb’): " If I hadn’t come here, if I’d had to watch you at the next rose ceremony. . .”

Jillian: “Just tell me—Wes is here for his career; Wes doesn’t love me; Wes is gay. Just tell me.” I’m with her: spit it out already.

Jake: “Wes has a girlfriend. Her name is L’Oreal. We’ve talked about her three times. Wes is slick; he’s gonna tell you L’Oreal is somebody from a long time ago. She’s current.” Okay, I don’t know positively that her name is spelled L’Oreal and it sounds a lot like “Lawrell” but you have to admit it’s not out of the question for some chick that digs Wes to be named for a product used by bleached blondes.

Having established that Jake is one hundred percent sure of his facts and that he wouldn’t be here breaking her heart because she deserves somebody who worships the ground she walks on, Jillian goes into a tirade. “Wes has been talking about family since the second I met him. Now he has a girlfriend. He screwed up.” She’s crying, the mascara running. First she’s mad, then she’s feeling sorry for herself, then she’s mad again and threatening to quit the show. Nevertheless, she’s going to give him a chance: “I don’t feel good at all. I need to hear it from Wes. I need to sit down and grill him as hard as I can grill him.” Which won’t be, as it happens, very hard at all.

Jake leaves but promises her that if she needs him, he’s just a pretend call from the pretend Shoephone away. I don’t know about Jillian, but I feel better just hearing that.

Wes arrives, expecting to take his woman over to meet the folks. “Hey Mama, lookin’ slick.” She asks him if he wants a drink. “Sho nuff.” (And to think she was worried about Kip’s family speaking foreign languages.) She starts her interrogation, “So, is there something you want to tell me?” Always a good technique, I think: give him enough rope to hang himself. Man, he does not like that question and challenges her to tell him what the devil she’s talking about.

Timidly, she offers, “Somebody told me you have a girlfriend.” Wes’s eyes pop out like a bull-frog on uppers. “My guys!?” meaning, we presume, the guys in his band, who would-not-dare double-cross him like that.

“Jake.”

“That’s crazy. Here’s what I told Jake—I had a girlfriend; we broke up but we’re still friends but I would never go back to her because I can’t go backward. That’s just somebody that BLEEP got kicked off the show. I’m not that good of a liar. BLEEP” (Note to horticulturally inclined, plant directly behind Wes is a sansiveria, commonly called Snake Plant, and no, I did not make that up.)

Jillian: “So, if you could clear it up with Jake you would.”

Jake (belligerent): “Bring him out. I don’t care..”

Jillian picks up pretend Shoephone to pretend-call Jake and get him back to hash things out. Jake pretend answers on his pretend Shoephone to say he’ll be right there and tells us that Wes “is not gonna lie to me. I’ll hold him accountable.” I’m thinkin’ Wes should be Afraid, very Afraid.

Jake appears at the door. Wes acknowledges his presence (sarcastic): “Jake. Man of Character.” Everybody sits on the sofa.

Wes: “You’re obviously here with a motive. Look at that #^%$-eating grin on your face.

As promised, Jake is tough: “I didn’t come here to get a rose. Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend. That when Tanner said what he did at the rose ceremony about somebody having a girlfriend you didn’t thump me in the back of the head like I let the cat out of the bag.”

Wes: “You’re challenging my integrity as a man. I told you I broke up with her a year ago. She’s always going to be one of my girlfriends.” (Well, Wes, why didn’t you say so earlier, “one of your girlfriends” is So different from just “your girlfriend.”)

The conversation continues in this vein for some while until Jake takes his leave to let Jillian and Wes work this out alone.

Camera on: Captain America, heartbroken, leaning over the balcony railing and sobbing: “I don’t know why he’s continuing to lie to her. Jillian is one of the greatest girls I’ve ever known.” Fade out. I’m wondering if there’s a coupon I can send in to get a refund.

Jillian and Wes are fighting in the hotel room. She’s alternately crying, stomping around the room like a fishwife, and whining to get back in Wes’s good graces. He threatens that if she doesn’t shape up, he just flat out is not going to take her to meet his parents. He has a sneer on his face that would make Snidely Whiplash proud. “ It’s no contest: Jillian decides to trust “the Texas bad boy” over “the All-America perfect guy.” She gives in: “I’m not a jealous person. I really want to meet your family. If you’re the guy in the end, you’re the guy.” And the guy's the guy.

At last, we’re off to Chez Hayden to meet Wes’s mother, stepmother and three sisters, all of whom he seems to have securely under his thumb. Wes blames their late arrival on Jake: “There’s this guy that got kicked off the show that came back and said I had a girlfriend.” Now this is the part where I’m thinking the moms and the sisters are going to jump in with “What Girlfriend! You ain’t got no stinkin’ girlfriend.” Not so. Instead there is a chorus of, “Poor Wes. It’s always gonna be like that. All the guys have always been jealous of you.” Okaaaaaaay.

The remainder of the evening is spent in reassuring Jillian of Wes’s inability to lie, which makes her feel so very much better. “Wes’s family confirmed he didn’t have a girlfriend.” All that trouble for nothing.

Back in the Game

The hometown dates have concluded and we find a confused Bachelorette back in Los Angeles at the Beverly Wilshire, dutifully recognized in proper product-placement signage. Jillian is exhausted. “Being back in LA feels good after the whirlwind of hometown dates. I can’t hardly stand any more surprises."

Surprise! There’s a knock on the door and who’s standing there dressed in an argyle sweater straight from the pages of “The Great Gatsby”? It’s ED—the Ed who abandoned her because the call of the job, the need to earn his living was greater than his attraction to Our Girl. Her question, naturally, is “What are you doing here?” He smiles That Smile: “I was just in the neighborhood.”

Jillian: “I’m weirded out; I’m happy you’re here, but WHY?”

Ed: “The minute I left I realized I made a huge mistake; I thought about you every minute I was gone. I need to reprioritize. I want another shot.” He sounds as if he has a cold. Gosh, if that’s the case, I hope Reid doesn’t find out.

They have a brief conversation in which Jillian informs him that he’s missed a lot of practices and she’s not sure it would be fair to the other guys on the team, even if he is the star player, to just let him come back as if nothing ever happened. He understands the problem and assures her he knows there are a couple of other compatible guys still in the mix but that he’s the “most compatible.”

Without a great deal of agonizing, Jillian decides to invite him to attend that evening’s rose ceremony. He pats her on the head, gives her a hug, and on the way out the door notes, with apparent satisfaction, “Surprise.”

Jillian tries to pretend to us that she’s torn about what she’s going to do about Ed: “Tonight’s rose ceremony is going to be excruciating” but the grin plastered all over her face belies her protestations. Ed’s a shoo-in.

I Straight-up Loved that Girl

While Jillian’s been traveling the country busy meeting and greeting the folks, Helpful Host Chris Harrison has been equally busy—spending his days and nights Tweeting about the show every hour on the hour. But no matter, he’s here now and he’s here to help.

(Dialog exact only as to author’s best recollection.)

Chris: “So, old Ed shows up like a bad penny and here you have gone and invited him to our sacred Rose Ceremony. Aren’t you angry at this turkey for running off and leaving you in the lurch? And what about his family—you haven’t even met them.” (Subtext: Aren’t you taking a big chance--we've seen some major Looney-Tunes families on this show.)

Jillian: “Well, of course he’s way behind in hot-tub time and sweet nothings in my ear and naturally I couldn’t accept his proposal unless I’d at least talked to his family, or gotten a postcard from them or something, so it’s gonna be a tough call. But then. . .” (She becomes dreamy-eyed and loses concentration.)

Chris: “And I heard you and the Eccentric, er, I mean Reid, had a nice time in Philly.

Jillian: “Boy did we ever. Me and Reid took the relationship to a whole new level.”

Chris (chortling): “And what about Austin.”

Jillian: “Oh, god I feel so sorry for Jake. What a loser. Trying to convince me My Man Wes the Awesome Country Singer He-Man Dude is a cheater. What a hoot! Well, I’ll tell you one thing. I’d rather make my own decisions and get burnt than listen to the worthless opinions of a wuss like Jake who isn't worth one little finger of a RealMan like Wes."

Helpful Host, having accomplished his duties as Reminder in Chief, heads off to meet the guys. Jillian is left to contemplate the frames of fame. And hey, how about a shout-out to Tiffany and Phillip, the ABC interns who took a Greyhound bus all the way to Canada and spent three days digging around in the Whistler Municipal Solid-Waste Disposal Facility just to get back that pic of Ed she threw in the trash after he’d bailed on her! Way to go Guys.

A twenty-seven-minute commercial message is now presented, and finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Rose Ceremony.

But wait. Helpful Host has an announcement. “Somebody else is joining us at tonight’s Rose Ceremony” and it’s---drum roll please—Ed! Camera on: the guys. Ed is grinning like it’s his birthday, Arbor Day and Christmas morning all rolled up into one; Wes is snarling, Michael looks like he’s going to cry; Reid is incredulous.

Chris, as if they couldn’t count: “This changes things. Now two of you will be going home tonight.”

The Bachelorette wafts into the room on a cloud of lemon-yellow chiffon. Camera on Ed. Oh, he’s thinking: “Score!”

Reid gets the first rose. Kiptyn looks like he’s about to have a heart attack, but the second rose comes to him. Reid and Kiptyn shake hands triumphantly. Michael shuffles his feet like an impatient pony in his stall. Ed is called next. Jesse is hurting; he swallows hard to keep back the tears. Wes is beginning to worry. Helpful Host makes the dreaded announcement: “Gentlemen, Jillian, this is your final rose tonight.” And the rose goes to—the Yodeler. I really wish someone would wipe that smirk off his face.

Michael and Jesse have that look that says “Floor, please open up and swallow me.” They say farewell and Jesse tells one of the guys—either Reid or Kiptyn, definitely Not Ed, “I love you.” Must check the tape on that one.

Jesse’s exit interview is brief and dignified. “This sucks. When somebody pulls the rug out from under you it’s tough to swallow. Wes is a musician and he’s going to exploit that. I’ve had my share of obstacles to get over. This one hurts, but I’ll get over it.” Bye-bye, Adonis. You will be missed.

Sweet adorable Michael is teary-eyed, but upbeat: “For a girl that just dumped me, just broke my heart, I cannot say a bad thing about the girl. I straight-up loved that girl didn’t I? I have no doubt the next time I saw her I would have told her I loved her and then I would have been down on my knee. Now that I know I won’t get to see her again (his voice breaks) BLEEP.” Good for you Michael. Now go break some hearts!

Jillian heads from the pedestal over to her final four for a toast; Kiptyn grabs her around the waist. She has exciting news for them: there’s food, fashion, architecture and romance in their future. We’re going to Spain.

Next Week: One Woman, Four Handsome Men and a Bunch of Hotel Keys

Epilogue: (and the best part of the show) Kip's family band performing their version of "The Bachelorette Blues". I thought I'd find my true love, hoped the family wouldn't be buryin' a dove.

I'm just sayin'--you can Laugh, or you can Lie.

[Google]

 

[alizarules]

After assurances all round of mutual “wonderfulness” date ends. Michael gets a good-night kiss but it’s the kind usually indulged in by a couple of junior high kids wearing braces. Michael’s allotted screen time: ten minutes. Okay, we’re twenty minutes into the episode and we’ve already finished off two perfectly good families. We could have done this via email.

Great recap.
we could have done this via email... I'm crying here

Loved that Ed came back, loved that Jake came back, loved that there seemed to be no chemistry between Jake and Jillian, but lots between Ed Jillian.

[AZHotFlash]

Aww .. Great as usual! .. Had to hold in the laughter .. everyone else is asleep! .. Now what is going to suck so much more is when Jillian finds out that the Special Song that the yoddler wrote especially for her .. was actually written for Laurel. (Wouldn't put it past him .. I figure he doesn't write too fast.. you know his brain always on the defensive...)

[I'msotired]

alizarules beat me to my favorite line.

OMG, BritLit. This is stinking HILARIOUS. I cannot believe how long it took me to read it. I had to get up twice to get Kleenex. My husband even came outside to the sunroom to see why I was laughing so loud. I think I even sent part of a potato chip up my nose. Bill will be in the mail.

Each week's recap tops the previous one, and I don't see how that's possible. You IS the Master!

[duckfarts]

Thank You !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[blasie]

Hilariously sad but true!

Isn't that the same argyle sweater Molly wore on the golf course? Could that be a clue?

[nocalgal]

BritLit
That was straight out wicked! Laughed so hard I peed my pants a little (can't vouch for the direct quote from Michael in episode 2 but you get the picture). Loved the term 'Captain America'! And your description of Ed's grin was priceless! Keep up the good work - can't wait for more from your Brit Wit!

[bamabrain]

Dahling, you've outdone yourself. Here's my favorite sentence:

Family greeting Jillian in Urdu, Swedish and Mandarin Chinese not shown, but I did notice a Revere silver bowl on Chippendale chest overflowing with proper pronouns.

And, as always, your pronouns--even in the apparently difficult to learn object case--were impeccable. Plus, you get extra kudus in my book for identifying the precise sound of Jillian's squeal.

[JAYMIELM3]

Too funny! Brit; you are the best! I think my favorite part was "Tanners" conversation to Captain America!! I was crying!! Thank You for laughs- brightened my day!

[fluff]

Originally Posted by BritLit

Their conversation lacks a bit of spontaneity:

Jillian: “I’m nervous.”

Reid: “Umm, I was nervous too. I haven’t been here forever.” Really, ever?

Nose Nuzzle, Minor Kiss

Reid: “Let’s walk.”

Okay, in fairness the condo building’s name was “Liberty Place”; maybe that counts.


A Corgi occupies the sofa. Corgi, though also joyful, unable to participate in jump-fest owing to dumpiness of legs.

Mrs. Stagliano, who looks terrific for a woman who’s survived 26 years with duplicate Michaels,

After assurances all round of mutual “wonderfulness” date ends. Michael gets a good-night kiss but it’s the kind usually indulged in by a couple of junior high kids wearing braces.

Jillian arrives. “Incoming!” “Duck and Cover!” Okay, it was just The Squeal. Run-jump into his arms.

Family greeting Jillian in Urdu, Swedish and Mandarin Chinese not shown, but I did notice a Revere silver bowl on Chippendale chest overflowing with proper pronouns. And judging by the fact the editors felt it necessary to pixellate the painting on the wall, I’m guessing it’s by an artist who doesn’t do a lot of his paintings on velvet.


Jillian emerges from large terrorist-attack-proof black SUV.

The dumpsters and trash cans which normally occupy the space have been removed for this command performance.

Jake leaves but promises her that if she needs him, he’s just a pretend call from the pretend Shoephone away. I don’t know about Jillian, but I feel better just hearing that.

What a great recap
I was laughing all the way through.
I got carried away quoting my favourite parts, but could have quoted at least twice as many.

Excellent