Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two

MsFroggy · 06-17-2009, 03:36 PM

Ok, so we've got this little problem. No, it's not the money anymore. We've got that covered due to your most magnanimous and most welcome financial support since our little plea went out last week. Now we're into new crap. Seriously, the drama around here just won't stop! Turns out that our third undercover contributor - remember we told you she up and disappeared last week? - well, she's back and she's got some bad news.

It seems that certain peeps, and we won't name names because that's not how we roll, got a wee bit frayed around the edges over our last "Most Secret Bachelor Diaries" installment and demanded satisfaction about a glaring error. For a moment we were "Oh, noes! ~~Did they notice we made up stuff?~~ Did they find a typo?". But no! Seems they got their panties all in a twist because we forgot to post Jesse's diary last week. Oopsie! The words lawsuit, sacrilege and silly(???) bitches were thrown about which normally are all kind of cool words in their own right but together... major freakin' no-no in Diary-land here. "Bitches" must always be used in the proper context. We waver not on this important point.

So, you know, we just want to say that we're not guilty. Jesse's diary was hard to get and even ~~Mike Fleiss~~ our most valiant source refused to dive into the guy's underwear drawer mining for the illicit goods. Apparently, there are limits to what he'd do for money. Who knew? We did finally find somebody willing to perpetrate the dirty deed because when it comes to your reading pleasure, dear Bachelorette fans, there are just no lengths we wouldn't go to. We'd even beg and ~~make something up~~ steal!

Here's what your money bought this week:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael:

Yo Diary,

Dude, the freaking awesomeness is just freaking awesome! Ziplining with the most freaking awesome girl ever…awesome! Savoring champagne with the most freaking awesome girl ever…awesome! I even told her the truth about myself, you know…that I’m a cheesy ass, hopeless romantic, fall in love if a girl kisses me on the mouth kind of guy…hmm, sort of kind of awesome, but not the most awesome of all freaking awesomeness. Then I told her I broke up with my old girlfriend eight months ago and that I haven’t so much as been on a date since….um, yeah…not so awesome. Dude, what the hell was I thinking telling her that? I’m just crushing too hard on that girl. And it’s FREAKING AWESOME! I was sweating it for a while, wondering if she’d give me a rose, especially since my mom packed the tie from my 8th grade winter dance and my brother’s old sports coat for me and that’s all I had to wear. But Jillian? Didn’t seem to care that I looked like a dork that shops at the Salvation Army store. That girl is just freaking awesome. The awesomeness is just overwhelmingly awesome!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kiptyn:

Dear Book of Manly Thoughts,

Michael needs Ritalin. There, I said it and feel better. How that crazy boy/manchild came back with a rose mystifies me. What does that say about Jillian? Maybe she was just too scared he'd bust a move for her, so she did it to calm him down. Yeah, that's got to be it.

I didn't get that much time with Jillian this week, but being called out second for a rose has to mean something, doesn't it? Right? Right?!?!?! I seek validation and love, with all my sensitive male being!

After the kayaking and snuggly cooking time, I couldn't believe I got stuck on another group date. The time I did get was amazing (it's in the script, but it's true), even feeling Jilly's wet butt on the bed. But then I got the "I like you!" and, as much as it reminded me of Sally Fields, I couldn't help but go in for some deep kissin'. Those producer-inspired 15 minutes were epic and in no way reflect my stamina. But after the booze haze wore off, I am wondering if everyone here's been screened for the herp, because a couple of these guys are players.

Speaking of, I've got to go, my dear Book. Wes has grabbed his guitar and started playing some god-awful country tunes. Dude, no one stole your dog! You told me you own cats I need to put a stop to this.

Love,

Kiptyn

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tanner:

I'm frustrated, Diary! Not only did I not get to nibble on anybody's toes all week - people are so uptight about this! - but I think Jillian is only keeping me around because she wants me to spill about Girlfriendgate. We spent three whole minutes together on the mountain, and while I've been mentally stripping off her boots and socks to get to the goods, all she wanted to yap about was which guys have somebody back home. I almost told her about Wes the loser who probably has a harem of tone-deaf groupies lining up in alphabetical order at his door - Allysa, Breeanna, Krissy, LindyLou, Sheenna, Shawna and Trish... just the ones he's mentioned - but then I got clever. You see, Diary, I got this brilliant idea! Not that I don't have brilliant ideas all day long, because you know, Diary, that's just the way I am, but this one is just super, over-the-top sparkling brilliant. See, it occurred to me that if I keep Jillian hanging on my every word - and did she ever hang for three whole minutes this week! - then she might consider letting me rub her feet for the information! Yow! I'm so smart I even amaze myself sometimes. Off to beg production for some perfumed foot lotion.

Later,
Tanner

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid:

Heya Diary,

It's me again. -sigh- I didn't get much time with Jillian again. -sigh- When we did talk, I told her she smelled like gasoline. Do'h! Good thing I through in the bit about snow and flowers. She wanted to know where I pictured my life in 5 years. Heck, I don't know. I just made something up. All I know is that I want to be with her. I think.

At least I got the first rose again. that's good, isn't it?

Sincerely yours,

Reid

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mark:

Yo!

I can't believe she dumped me. I thought I'd get way more miliage out of the the 'my girlfriend cheated in me' story - maybe I should have said she died? Or, maybe she cheated on me and then died. That's probably where I went wrong, I didn't add to the story. She said she wanted to see my emotions, well, I could have scarfed up a tear or two when talking about the ex. I can't believe she got rid of me - the one without the girlfriend or the cd coming out. Man, this blows.

Got to catch my plane - hey, do you think they will ask me to be the next Bachelor? Heck, I have it all, you know!

Mark

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed:

Diary -

My flight was 5 minutes and 37 seconds late arriving at O'Hare which was quite annoying. By the time I got to the office, all hell was breaking loose. Somebody forgot to set the proper permissions on our Apache server, our firewall had more wholes in it than a sieve and we had three dozen intrusion attempts within a day while I was back twiddling my thumbs on some snowy Canadian mountain with Jillian. I mean, she's nice, man, but when our system is compromised and some snot-nosed hacker half a world away is making googly eyes at our root directory it's time to chuck the whole romance nonsense and get back to the real world. Still, I like to leave my options open so I took that boutonniere rose with me. You never know! Besides, once we stabilize the mess back here I might just give Jillian a call if only to ask how many minutes we spent talking during our last meeting. Wouldn't want to leave that blank on the spreadsheet after all. She was all broken up about my leaving which was weird because I never told her about our server problems, so really, what was she bawling about? It's not like we truly meshed and I doubt we were ever going to compile into a halfway decent routine anyways.

Ed

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wes:

Hell Yeah,

Cha Cha Cha Ching, Cha Cha Cha Ching Cha Cha Cha Ching!

Another week, another rose, more pub for my upcoming CD. Life is sweet! And, my girl texted me that she's perfectly fine with me faking out Jill so long as my amazingly, awesome album goes platinum. Some of these other losers seem to actually be here for Jill. Whatever. I used that script the PA handed me to "snow" Jill. How sweet was that! Of course, I could have written it myself given my awesome songwriting skills. On the next episode, I'm going to debut the song I expect to be the second single off my album.

I'm off to write more tunes for my follow up CD.

Later,

Wes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jake:

Dear Diary,

What is it with this chick anyway? We have one date and I practically have to fight her off with a stick, then nada, zilch, zero. She won't give me the time of day. I might as well have leprosy. I'm telling you, diary, if I'd known I was going to be spending the last month locked up in hotel rooms with a bunch of beer-swilling break-dancing guitar-playing adolescents, I never would have signed up for this gig. I just wish I'd packed my pilot's uniform; maybe I could slipped past the goons guarding the door and bailed on this bush-league operation.

Perfectly yours,
Jake-O

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesse:

Dear Diary,

Well, finally, I managed to scrub off the last of that invisible spray stuff they've had me covered with. Heck, Mom thought I wasn't even on the show. But, hey, how about that date this week! Major cool stuff--totally Indiana Jones! Bet you liked the bit about the "best day of my life."--I am not kidding you, that's about the fifth time I've used that Tonka Truck story and it works every time. Babes eat that stuff up. Admit I got a little scared when she started in on the whole "biological clock" babies and houses and stuff. Hey, I'm only 27, still got some livin' to do. I'd tell ya about what went on in that hot tub, but then I'd have to kill ya--ha ha ha--let's just say this dame's no prude.

Catch ya later dude,
Jesse

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: While we hold these Diary pages to be 100% authentic in every way, should we get sued, we will deny any and all involvement with the contents, the method of procurement and any barely legal activities we may or may not have conducted in connection with them.

Many thanks to our fearless contributors: AshleyPSU, BritLit, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl

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MissMilano · 06-17-2009, 04:26 PM

Love, love, love the diaries this week. I can't even pick a favorite, I like Kip and Reid's, but Ed's almost made me spit out my coffee. Can't wait to see what happens after next week

duckfarts · 06-17-2009, 04:36 PM

As Michael would say and say and say ...." FREAKING AWESOME! "

newmom · 06-17-2009, 05:10 PM

who writes/comes up with these? they are great!

Bean07 · 06-18-2009, 04:28 PM

LOL these are (in the words of Michael)...AWESOME! Keep the funny coming! Jake's diary was soooo spot on..classic!!!

**waywyrd** · 06-18-2009, 07:11 PM

Now that is some funny stuff. Great job, everyone!

sanlee · 06-18-2009, 09:44 PM

Omg, hilarious! Loved it!

I'msotired · 06-19-2009, 12:39 PM

OMG, I forgot about your diary installment and just now read it. LOL! Numerous funnies, but my very favorite line is in the introduction:

Quote:

Now we're into new crap.

ko_vixen · 06-19-2009, 01:26 PM

Good job guys!! Ed's always keeps me laughing!! Kudos!

pajamasam · 06-19-2009, 08:12 PM

Excellent job everyone. I have tears in my eyes.

06-17-2009, 03:36 PM	#1
MsFroggy Peace Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Up here in my tree... Posts: 14,572	Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two Ok, so we've got this little problem. No, it's not the money anymore. We've got that covered due to your most magnanimous and most welcome financial support since our little plea went out last week. Now we're into new crap. Seriously, the drama around here just won't stop! Turns out that our third undercover contributor - remember we told you she up and disappeared last week? - well, she's back and she's got some bad news. It seems that certain peeps, and we won't name names because that's not how we roll, got a wee bit frayed around the edges over our last "Most Secret Bachelor Diaries" installment and demanded satisfaction about a glaring error. For a moment we were "Oh, noes! ~~Did they notice we made up stuff?~~ Did they find a typo?". But no! Seems they got their panties all in a twist because we forgot to post Jesse's diary last week. Oopsie! The words lawsuit, sacrilege and silly(???) bitches were thrown about which normally are all kind of cool words in their own right but together... major freakin' no-no in Diary-land here. "Bitches" must always be used in the proper context. We waver not on this important point. So, you know, we just want to say that we're not guilty. Jesse's diary was hard to get and even ~~Mike Fleiss~~ our most valiant source refused to dive into the guy's underwear drawer mining for the illicit goods. Apparently, there are limits to what he'd do for money. Who knew? We did finally find somebody willing to perpetrate the dirty deed because when it comes to your reading pleasure, dear Bachelorette fans, there are just no lengths we wouldn't go to. We'd even beg and ~~make something up~~ steal! Here's what your money bought this week: -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Michael: Yo Diary, Dude, the freaking awesomeness is just freaking awesome! Ziplining with the most freaking awesome girl ever…awesome! Savoring champagne with the most freaking awesome girl ever…awesome! I even told her the truth about myself, you know…that I’m a cheesy ass, hopeless romantic, fall in love if a girl kisses me on the mouth kind of guy…hmm, sort of kind of awesome, but not the most awesome of all freaking awesomeness. Then I told her I broke up with my old girlfriend eight months ago and that I haven’t so much as been on a date since….um, yeah…not so awesome. Dude, what the hell was I thinking telling her that? I’m just crushing too hard on that girl. And it’s FREAKING AWESOME! I was sweating it for a while, wondering if she’d give me a rose, especially since my mom packed the tie from my 8th grade winter dance and my brother’s old sports coat for me and that’s all I had to wear. But Jillian? Didn’t seem to care that I looked like a dork that shops at the Salvation Army store. That girl is just freaking awesome. The awesomeness is just overwhelmingly awesome! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kiptyn: Dear Book of Manly Thoughts, Michael needs Ritalin. There, I said it and feel better. How that crazy boy/manchild came back with a rose mystifies me. What does that say about Jillian? Maybe she was just too scared he'd bust a move for her, so she did it to calm him down. Yeah, that's got to be it. I didn't get that much time with Jillian this week, but being called out second for a rose has to mean something, doesn't it? Right? Right?!?!?! I seek validation and love, with all my sensitive male being! After the kayaking and snuggly cooking time, I couldn't believe I got stuck on another group date. The time I did get was amazing (it's in the script, but it's true), even feeling Jilly's wet butt on the bed. But then I got the "I like you!" and, as much as it reminded me of Sally Fields, I couldn't help but go in for some deep kissin'. Those producer-inspired 15 minutes were epic and in no way reflect my stamina. But after the booze haze wore off, I am wondering if everyone here's been screened for the herp, because a couple of these guys are players. Speaking of, I've got to go, my dear Book. Wes has grabbed his guitar and started playing some god-awful country tunes. Dude, no one stole your dog! You told me you own cats I need to put a stop to this. Love, Kiptyn -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tanner: I'm frustrated, Diary! Not only did I not get to nibble on anybody's toes all week - people are so uptight about this! - but I think Jillian is only keeping me around because she wants me to spill about Girlfriendgate. We spent three whole minutes together on the mountain, and while I've been mentally stripping off her boots and socks to get to the goods, all she wanted to yap about was which guys have somebody back home. I almost told her about Wes the loser who probably has a harem of tone-deaf groupies lining up in alphabetical order at his door - Allysa, Breeanna, Krissy, LindyLou, Sheenna, Shawna and Trish... just the ones he's mentioned - but then I got clever. You see, Diary, I got this brilliant idea! Not that I don't have brilliant ideas all day long, because you know, Diary, that's just the way I am, but this one is just super, over-the-top sparkling brilliant. See, it occurred to me that if I keep Jillian hanging on my every word - and did she ever hang for three whole minutes this week! - then she might consider letting me rub her feet for the information! Yow! I'm so smart I even amaze myself sometimes. Off to beg production for some perfumed foot lotion. Later, Tanner -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reid: Heya Diary, It's me again. -sigh- I didn't get much time with Jillian again. -sigh- When we did talk, I told her she smelled like gasoline. Do'h! Good thing I through in the bit about snow and flowers. She wanted to know where I pictured my life in 5 years. Heck, I don't know. I just made something up. All I know is that I want to be with her. I think. At least I got the first rose again. that's good, isn't it? Sincerely yours, Reid -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mark: Yo! I can't believe she dumped me. I thought I'd get way more miliage out of the the 'my girlfriend cheated in me' story - maybe I should have said she died? Or, maybe she cheated on me and then died. That's probably where I went wrong, I didn't add to the story. She said she wanted to see my emotions, well, I could have scarfed up a tear or two when talking about the ex. I can't believe she got rid of me - the one without the girlfriend or the cd coming out. Man, this blows. Got to catch my plane - hey, do you think they will ask me to be the next Bachelor? Heck, I have it all, you know! Mark -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ed: Diary - My flight was 5 minutes and 37 seconds late arriving at O'Hare which was quite annoying. By the time I got to the office, all hell was breaking loose. Somebody forgot to set the proper permissions on our Apache server, our firewall had more wholes in it than a sieve and we had three dozen intrusion attempts within a day while I was back twiddling my thumbs on some snowy Canadian mountain with Jillian. I mean, she's nice, man, but when our system is compromised and some snot-nosed hacker half a world away is making googly eyes at our root directory it's time to chuck the whole romance nonsense and get back to the real world. Still, I like to leave my options open so I took that boutonniere rose with me. You never know! Besides, once we stabilize the mess back here I might just give Jillian a call if only to ask how many minutes we spent talking during our last meeting. Wouldn't want to leave that blank on the spreadsheet after all. She was all broken up about my leaving which was weird because I never told her about our server problems, so really, what was she bawling about? It's not like we truly meshed and I doubt we were ever going to compile into a halfway decent routine anyways. Ed -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wes: Hell Yeah, Cha Cha Cha Ching, Cha Cha Cha Ching Cha Cha Cha Ching! Another week, another rose, more pub for my upcoming CD. Life is sweet! And, my girl texted me that she's perfectly fine with me faking out Jill so long as my amazingly, awesome album goes platinum. Some of these other losers seem to actually be here for Jill. Whatever. I used that script the PA handed me to "snow" Jill. How sweet was that! Of course, I could have written it myself given my awesome songwriting skills. On the next episode, I'm going to debut the song I expect to be the second single off my album. I'm off to write more tunes for my follow up CD. Later, Wes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jake: Dear Diary, What is it with this chick anyway? We have one date and I practically have to fight her off with a stick, then nada, zilch, zero. She won't give me the time of day. I might as well have leprosy. I'm telling you, diary, if I'd known I was going to be spending the last month locked up in hotel rooms with a bunch of beer-swilling break-dancing guitar-playing adolescents, I never would have signed up for this gig. I just wish I'd packed my pilot's uniform; maybe I could slipped past the goons guarding the door and bailed on this bush-league operation. Perfectly yours, Jake-O -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesse: Dear Diary, Well, finally, I managed to scrub off the last of that invisible spray stuff they've had me covered with. Heck, Mom thought I wasn't even on the show. But, hey, how about that date this week! Major cool stuff--totally Indiana Jones! Bet you liked the bit about the "best day of my life."--I am not kidding you, that's about the fifth time I've used that Tonka Truck story and it works every time. Babes eat that stuff up. Admit I got a little scared when she started in on the whole "biological clock" babies and houses and stuff. Hey, I'm only 27, still got some livin' to do. I'd tell ya about what went on in that hot tub, but then I'd have to kill ya--ha ha ha--let's just say this dame's no prude. Catch ya later dude, Jesse -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: While we hold these Diary pages to be 100% authentic in every way, should we get sued, we will deny any and all involvement with the contents, the method of procurement and any barely legal activities we may or may not have conducted in connection with them. Many thanks to our fearless contributors: AshleyPSU, BritLit, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl __________________ "It ain't that deep."

06-17-2009, 04:26 PM	#2
MissMilano FORT Fan Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Near Fantasyland Posts: 355	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two Love, love, love the diaries this week. I can't even pick a favorite, I like Kip and Reid's, but Ed's almost made me spit out my coffee. Can't wait to see what happens after next week

06-17-2009, 04:36 PM	#3
duckfarts FORT Regular Join Date: May 2008 Location: Rather be on a cruise Posts: 127	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two As Michael would say and say and say ...." FREAKING AWESOME! "

06-17-2009, 05:10 PM	#4
newmom FORT Newbie Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 36	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two who writes/comes up with these? they are great! __________________ Shoot for the moon because even if you miss you'll land amoung the stars!

06-18-2009, 04:28 PM	#5
Bean07 FORT Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Location: Boston Posts: 465	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two LOL these are (in the words of Michael)...AWESOME! Keep the funny coming! Jake's diary was soooo spot on..classic!!!

06-18-2009, 07:11 PM	#6
waywyrd dazed and confused Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: South Carolina Posts: 11,788	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two Now that is some funny stuff. Great job, everyone! __________________ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

06-18-2009, 09:44 PM	#7
sanlee Life is better blonde!!!! Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Baton Rouge Posts: 8,362	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two Omg, hilarious! Loved it!

06-19-2009, 01:26 PM	#9
ko_vixen FORT Fanatic Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: 902 Posts: 433	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two Good job guys!! Ed's always keeps me laughing!! Kudos!

06-19-2009, 08:12 PM	#10
pajamasam Forum Assistant Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 4,347	Re: Insanely Secret Pilfered Bachelor Diaries - Two Excellent job everyone. I have tears in my eyes.