Bachelorette 5—Recap 6/15: “Life is Hard on the Mountain”

[BritLit]

Welcome to Whistler, British Columbia, sports fans. Will Jillian’s heart feel the icy cold, or can the dudes make her melt? We’re about to find out.

Jillian is in her hotel room unpacking, pensive over the events of the last evening. “Last night was a tough night. I heard that some of the guys might have girlfriends or be here with a hidden agenda. I just hope the guys with girlfriends are not the guys I’m falling in love with.” Note plural.

The voice of Coach Chris announces that tonight we’re in a winter wonderland. Coach himself not present, believed to be out searching for pesky surplus girlfriends. Jillian meets the guys by rushing waters and offers to escort them to their hotel. She announces that this week there will be three dates (aren’t there always?) one group and two solo, each complete with Reassurance/Rejection rose. Back at the suite, from the interior of her trousers she produces the first Date Card. (Tanner demanding to sniff said card presumed, not shown.)

Youth Has Its Day

The invite is for Michael: “Come fly with me. Love, Jillian.”

He is delirious with joy. “Oh my awesomeness! I kinda like her most of all the guys in the house right now. All I want is time with her.” Speech accompanied by skippy dance.

Before the commercial, Coach Chris, still on the girlfriend hunt, sends us an ominous message: “Will Jillian’s dreams of love be crushed forever?” These pronouncements by the coach are beginning to get on my nerves; I use commercial period to mix up second gin and tonic.

Jillian confides in us that she almost dumped Michael at the previous evening’s rose ceremony. We know what that means: he’d better shine today or ixnay on the bouquet.

Flying, as it turns out, is another ‘get tied up like Houdini and hooked to a clothesline’ date, except that this time instead of jumping off a building they’re going to be sliding down a cable across what looks like a ten foot ditch and landing on another platform. Asked what he thinks, Michael observes that “so far it mostly looks dangerous.” I’m pretty sure he’s also thinking he may be able to use this as credit toward his Cub Scout badge in mountaineering.

He demands: “Am I allowed to scream?” Yes, Michael, screaming in fact is one of Jillian’s like most favorite things to do. She squeals like a banshee at every opportunity. You can only help yourself by joining in. The zip line guy gives them some instructions and assures the pair that “It’s only a 12-second commitment.” (Insert bachelor relationship longevity analogy here.)

Michael thinks the zip line is just like love, “commit to it then jump”. Jillian tells us Michael is like a puppy and he makes her feel 19 again and that’s how she wants to feel the rest of her life. Wow, big ambition, Jillster. The final ride is a tandem one, Jillian sitting on Michael’s lap. He suggests that “We should try this later in the bedroom.” Awesome, Michael.

Now it’s off to dinner with a stroll in the rain. Michael observes: “Am I nuts or is zip lining awesome?” Awesome. He asks Jillian how zip lining compares to skydiving: she replies that it’s better because today she was “strapped to a guy she actually liked.”

They arrive for dinner at the Bearfoot Bistro wine cellar. Apparently Jillian has a thing for eating underground. A waiter/sommelier type person named André appears with a sword. Michael looks for an exit. Not to worry, André just wants to see some ID from Michael and to teach Jillian to pop a champage cork with a saber. Will the thrills of this day never end?

Jill queries Michael’s readiness to settle down. He assures her that he’s “here for the right reasons.” “Uh, I haven’t told you this, but I broke up with a girl eight months ago and I haven’t been on a date since—with a girl or a guy.” In fact, he says, “I’m a cheesy-ass helpless romantic who falls in love if a girl kisses me on the mouth kind of guy.” Jillian reciprocates with information about her unhappy insecure childhood which led to having to grow up too fast.

They adjourn to the sofa with coffee and brandies. Michael having bestowed sufficient puppy-like adoration upon her, Jillian decides to reward him by pinning a rose to his rumpled ill-fitting jacket. He now has the unfortunate appearance of a high school freshman forced to accompany his dateless older sister to the prom.

Michael, believing that things are going far better than expected, moves in for a kiss on the lips, but gets part of a jaw instead and the “Sorry, but you are Not one of the two dozen men with whom I will swap spit on this show—let’s just be friends” hug.

The Truth and Nothing But the Truth

For today’s group date, Jillian has planned a Snow Day for Wes, Reid, Robby, Tanner, Kiptyn, Ed, Jake and Mark. According to Jillian, every young girl in Canada lives for the day she will have “eight hot guys snowmobiling in Whistler.” But watch out guys—ever since Tanner opened up that whole can of worms about the girlfriend thing at the last rose ceremony, Jillian has been on a mission to find out which guy is cheating on her.

They arrive at Callahan’s Backcountry Lodge to discover half a fleet of snowmobiles awaiting. They’re going to have to ride doubles. Everyone volunteers to be Jillian’s wing man; she chooses Robby.

Off they go into a forest of snow-covered trees. Jillian and Robby manage to split off. Robby begins to apologize for his anger at the last rose ceremony. She’s very forgiving. He takes her hand and tells her he doesn’t usually show too many emotions.” Jillian thinks Robby is a doll and gives him the second “I’m not swapping spit with you, let’s just be friends” hug of the show. For those keeping score: Michael = Puppy. Robby=Doll.

Around the corner, the guys are offering their take on the Jillian-Robby connection: Reid says she thinks of Robby more as a friend; Tanner predicts that Robby’s the next to go and observes that “he drinks like a fish.” Ed offers that the relationship has promise if Jillian “likes taking care of kids.” Meanwhile, back at the hotel Michael and Jesse are hashing out the debacle of the last rose ceremony. Jesse isn’t worried: “Jillian’s a smart girl; she’s gonna figure it out.”

Tanner bravely interrupts Jillian and Robby. Jillian firmly reminds him that he said he’d let her know who has the girlfriend. Tanner hems and haws and says he “doesn’t want to throw anyone under the bus” but that he’ll do his very very best to find the bad guy.” To the audience, Tanner throws Wes under the bus: “I still think Wes is the guy she has to worry about.”

Next to arrive for a heart to heart with our bachelorette is Wes, wearing some kind of contraption on his head that looks like he either joined Mother Teresa’s religious order or recently survived brain surgery. Jillian and Wes are lying in the snow, limbs intertwined. About that last rose ceremony, she begins (paraphrasing): “Honey, it couldn’t have been you they were talking about being here for the wrong reasons, could it?” Wes replies: “Why shucks, no, lil darlin’. Heck I didn’t even sign up for this here show myself. My little sis done gone and done it. Now, it’s true I’ve got that country music record about to come out, but, heck, I’ve done been aworkin’ on that sucker over a year and a half already.”

Not willing to let “well enough alone”, Jillian pushes: “But if you did come for one reason and then you got here and then maybe your reasons changed.” No fool he, Wes jumps right in with the requisite, if ambiguous, reply, “Oh, baby, I’m totally having feelings I didn’t expect to have.” He pulls her leg across his and shuts her up with smooches.

To the camera, Jillian almost swoons: “I love Wes. He’s totally bad-ass. I’m pretty sure if he had a girlfriend I would know.” To the same camera, Wes gloats: “We’ve talked. . .hopefully enough to seal the rose for me tonight.” Okay, I’m going to throw something out there right now, just to factor into your thinking, even though it wasn’t shown last night. In his blog today, Coach Chris reported that Jillian and the guys were sitting around talking about “the worst thing they’d ever done, and that Wes bragged that he slept with his teacher and that it was hot . After that, she couldn’t possibly give him a rose. Could she?

Exterior. Night. Campfire, ice bar, Jillian and the guys. They all toast the day and the snow and the booze. Jillian once again succumbs to her “Coyote Ugly” impulses and dances (atrociously) on the bar, finally falling into Ed’s arms.

Interior. Night. Jillian and Kip lying on a bed. She orders him: “Feel my butt; it’s wet.” He complies, then gives her a hug. He’s in the mood for some intimate chat, confessing how hard it is for him after their kayaking cooking kissing date to share her with the other guys. He wants to know if there’s anything on her mind. There is. Giggling like a seventh grader, she coos, “I like you. Do you like me?” Actions speak louder than words. They go for the world record for longest lasting duck-lip kiss, followed by more duck-lip kisses. Jillian, honey, just be careful; what if your face gets frozen like that?

Interior. Night. Jillian and Reid side by side on a sofa, not exactly comfortable with one another. Jillian explains to us they’ve had a good physical start (wow, they must’ve maximized those five minutes they’re together before the rose ceremonies) but need more of an emotional connection. He gets the old “what are you going to be doing in five or six years” commitment question. He wants to be married and have kids and be more adventurous than his own family. Good answer, Reid. Enough of that. He woos her, “You smell good, like snow and flowers. And gasoline.”

She can’t stop herself, “Who’s the one with the girlfriend?” Reid’s astonished, “Did you really hear that? No one has a girlfriend. Well, except Mark and Kiptyn and Ed and Wes. And me. I’ve got four girlfriends and two wives.” Awesome.

Exterior. Night. Ed sits alone by the fire. Jillian says she notices that Ed is distant from everyone and goes to talk to him. Ed has some not good news. He had a conference call with his boss this morning who pretty much gave him an ultimatum: he can either get back to work ASAP or he can lose his job and hang around here hoping for roses. Ed is questioning his reasons for being here.

Jillian tells Ed that she wouldn’t ask him to jeopardize his life for her, but that she’d be really upset if he left. Ed is torn, but he tells us “If Jillian gives me an indicator she feels strongly about me, I could walk away from my career for her.” But, “it’s a scary feeling, taking a risk to be here.”

Exterior. Night. Everybody’s gathered round the campfire. Jillian and the Rose appear. She gives Ed the rose and in front of all the guys says she’s giving Ed the rose to let him know how much she likes him but that there’s no pressure. He can hang on to it for a couple of days and then decide if he wants to keep it or give it back.

Kiptyn’s a little miffed after that make-out session he didn’t get the rose and Jake’s thinking that in the current economy Ed can’t afford to give up a perfectly good job—that come next rose ceremony Ed won’t be around any more.

Enough of the maudlin stuff. Everyone hops on toboggans to go sledding. Possibly owing to degree of alcohol consumption, great skill at the sport is not exhibited.

The Best Day of His Life

While the gang is gathered round the campfire, Jesse’s date card has been delivered. “Jesse, it’s time to break the ice. Jilly” Michael speculates that “maybe she’s going to break up with you.” Jesse expresses his profound hope that he’s not going to have to spend the day ice-fishing. His expectations are modest: “Hopefully we’ll get to know each other better, have a good time, and at the end of the day she gives me a rose.”

The day dawns and Jillian is there to meet Jesse with excitement. He has wisely ditched his pork-pie hat from the previous episode and looks pretty smokin’ in a red ski jacket and aviator shades. Jillian has opted for her too-well-worn lumberjack brown plaid shirt. They’re going to take a big yellow flying machine (note to self: follow up on suspicion of yellow paint futures speculation), this time not a whirlybird, but a plane that lands on skis (Whaaa?) all the way up to the top of a glacier.

They climb aboard the plane and soar off to heights of grandeur. Cue John William’s movie music sountrack. Despite two rows of empty seats, Jillian has been forced to sit on Jesse’s lap. They agree that the view is spectacular. Jesse is grinning like the Cheshire Cat, “It’s awesome. I can’t even say anything.” They land on a great huge and enormous flat sheet of ice and snow.

Jesse sweeps her into his arms and carries her from the plane, but trips and unceremoniously dumps her in the snow. “Welcome to my glacier, Jesse,” Jillian crows. (I knew about Canadian socialized medicine but I was pretty surprised to hear everybody up there also gets their own mountain.)

The day is spent traipsing around in the ice, making snow angels, rolling around in the snow and repeated smooching. They are of one mind. Jillian: “I’m on top of the world right now. I am so happy.” Jesse: “It’s just me and Jillian on top of the world.” Another grammatically suitable suitor. He tells her that it’s a day he’ll remember the rest of his life, that it’s not just the best date ever, it’s the best Day ever. In fact, it’s displaced the Tonka truck he got for his sixth Christmas as ultimate life experience. Jillian is overwhelmed with joy. She tells us that “him saying that just gave me butterflies” and that maybe, just maybe she could spend the rest of her life with him.

They end the glacier experience by stomping out their initials in the snow, large enough so that they can see them as they fly away: J+J. Then she goes and ruins it by making him assure her she doesn’t look fat in her outfit.

Exterior. Night. Sofa by outdoor fireplace. Jillian awaits Jesse’s arrival for dinner. “I really wanta see how him and me are gonna be just chillin around a fire.” He arrives and she starts in on the questions. He assures her he’s over his relationship that ended six months ago and heck, he doesn’t even talk to the wench any more.

Then he gets the five-year plan query. He says by then he wants to be successful, be making wine, living in a nice house, and (whew!) have a wife and kids. In return, Jillian confides that she’d like to have kids before she’s 33, that she used to want 60 of them, but has pared down her wish list to just three. He asks her about her willingness to leave Vancouver and Noooo she doesn’t really say that does she? she tells him she just wants to dump her career, and put herself in the guy’s hands and live in his city and have a career there for a couple of years. His reaction is pretty strong, “Wow, I had it totally wrong.”

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the guys are speculating on Jesse’s odds of getting the rose. Ed doesn’t see any chemistry between Jill and Jesse and Mark calls Jesse “that guy your girlfriend cheats on you with.”

Ed’s apparently dead wrong about the chemistry because the next thing we know Jillian and Jesse are in the steamiest scene in the steamiest hot tub of the season, chugging wine and locking lips. He gets the rose. This makes him very happy, “I’m gleaming. I’m glowing. I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I could die happy.” Hey, Jess, it’s just a stupid flower. She gives ‘em to all the guys. Well, except Sasha. And David.

Heartbreak Hotel

We’re back at the Fairmount, where somehow Ed seems to have scored a room to himself. Enter Jillian to get his verdict. It is not what she wanted to hear. Ed tells her that he feels really attached to her but that if he wants to keep his livelihood, “I have to leave.”

Jillian’s reaction is just the teeniest bit selfish: “I don’t know. I really liked you. . .You probably bit off more than you could chew. . .you probably didn’t expect to be here this long. This is your life. I can’t make those calls for you. I’m glad we’re doing this now instead of down the road when I’m starting to think you could be the one.”

Ed feels just awful about the whole thing. “I realize I’m letting you down, but I’d be letting down six or seven people if I didn’t leave.” He hugs her and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

Then, in “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever” he gets up, walks across the room and picks up the rose she’d given him at the campfire. He looks at her and says, “I know you wanted it back, but I’m going to keep it. I don’t think anybody else should have it. I’m sorry.” Ooh, prickles rising on the nape of my neck.

Incredibly hurt, Jillian can’t resist a parting shot, “Promise me something. When you do find the person you’re crazy about, don’t let work get in the way.” Ed isn’t promising anything, “I’ll walk you out.”

Camera on Ed, sitting on sofa, contemplative. He walks down the hotel steps and he and his chartreuse suitcase leave Canada. Forever? Ed makes one last observation, “I think Jillian was pretty upset.”

Camera on Jillian, alone on the gondola, contemplative. “I miss Ed already. This just goes to prove even if you’re wearing the pants you can still get your heart broken.” Sobs.

Camera on Jillian, alone on top of the mountain, (good grief, there’s another Stonehenge—how’d they got those rocks all the way up here?). She questions her worthiness—are the other guys going to think maybe they should go home too? “Am I good enough for somebody to sacrifice that?”

No Party. Again.

Night has fallen and we find Jillian, swathed in a sea-green costume from “The Little Mermaid”, sitting alone in front of the most wanted posters. Enter Coach Chris, solicitously enquiring “whassup?” as if he’s been locked in the Isolation Booth for two days and has no knowledge of the pain and suffering of Our Heroine. Shocked at the events which have transpired, he asks Jillian if she was falling in love with Ed. (What, Coach, you think her eyes are that bloodshot from drinking or something?) “Well,” she confesses, “from day one every time I thought of Ed I felt a little spark.”

But she’s a brave one, our girl. Chin up, smile on her face. Gotta get on with things. She’s excited to be here, move on and get to know the left-overs, err the guys who are left. “I’m definitely going to miss Ed but he wasn’t the only one I was falling in love with.”

Coach Chris wants to be sure the girlfriend thing hasn’t been forgotten. Nope, says Jillian, “but I’m pretty sure I won’t fall for someone who has a girlfriend.” What about Jake? “I know he’s perfect. I’m not.” Mark? “He’s never once said I’m here for you.” And Wes? “Wes has been so open to me, told me so much about his family. I know him. He makes me happy.”

Enough said. Coach Chris says he’ll head out and get the guys lined up for the big ceremony. Jillian lifts Ed’s picture from the shelf and carefully sets it into a shrine of votive candles.

Not showing their disappointment that for the second week in a row they’ve been cheated out of booze and schmooze, the guys stand waiting. Jillian feels their pain. “I’ve had the most incredible week with you guys. It’s been the best dates of my life, also the best days. It’s been hard on you and hard on me as well.” Awesome speech, Jill.

Reid gets the first rose and a hug, then come Kiptyn, Robby, Jake and Tanner. Coach Chris announces “the final rose tonight.” Mark looks as if he’s either heavily sedated or about to die of boredom. He’s saved. The final rose goes to Wes, who also wins the prize for “sports coat most likely to have been purchased at a Goodwill Store”.

Finally, the alcohol is produced and toasts are offered.

Mark, his tie askew and shirttail hanging out of his pants, departs, contemplating his barriers, the four women who’ve cheated on him and the lack of honesty on the part of his fellow dudes. “I don’t have a record to sell. I don’t have a girlfriend.” Who does, these days?

Next week: The Train to Nowhere.

[Google]

 

[duckfarts]

I'm sitting here at work silently laughing, with the tears running down my face. I enjoy these posts so much more than the actual show. Thank you to all of the talented writers at FORT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[true]

I look forward to your recaps *almost* as much as the episodes!!

[iguanachocolate]

He now has the unfortunate appearance of a high school freshman forced to accompany his dateless older sister to the prom.

Great recap, Britlit!

[I'msotired]

Okay. LMAO. I started trying to keep score and was going to highlight my fave's, but I had six already and wasn't finished with Section 1! I second iguanachocolate's pick for my very favorite, though. Loving the bachelor score card!

Thanks, BritLit!

[sdl]

I love your recaps. No one else even comes close.
So cute and funny.

[waywyrd]

The zip line guy gives them some instructions and assures the pair that “It’s only a 12-second commitment.” (Insert bachelor relationship longevity analogy here.)

Next to arrive for a heart to heart with our bachelorette is Wes, wearing some kind of contraption on his head that looks like he either joined Mother Teresa’s religious order or recently survived brain surgery.

Another excellent recap, Brit!

[sanlee]

As always, the recap is actually better than the show. lol Great Job!

[lovemygirls]

Awesome recap BritLit!

Loved this..

The day is spent traipsing around in the ice, making snow angels, rolling around in the snow and repeated smooching. They are of one mind. Jillian: “I’m on top of the world right now. I am so happy.” Jesse: “It’s just me and Jillian on top of the world.” Another grammatically suitable suitor. He tells her that it’s a day he’ll remember the rest of his life, that it’s not just the best date ever, it’s the best Day ever. In fact, it’s displaced the Tonka truck he got for his sixth Christmas as ultimate life experience. Jillian is overwhelmed with joy. She tells us that “him saying that just gave me butterflies” and that maybe, just maybe she could spend the rest of her life with him.

Super cheesy!