| | |
|
06-12-2009, 05:09 PM
| #1 |
 Peace  Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Up here in my tree...
Posts: 15,014
| Most Secret Bachelor Diaries - One Dear Bachelorette fans, Thank you for your ongoing show of support. We really appreciate it and want you to know that cash donations are always very welcome. In light of the general tenuous economic situation we are all experiencing, some of our valuable services, such as our extra special seasonal feature called "The Bachelor/ette Diaries", are currently seriously underfunded. We are so strapped for cash that when Consequently, two of our writers were forced to volunteer mowing our contact's lawn and doing his laundry... and other things which we can't talk about here. Our third brave volunteer we never heard from again. So you see, we need your help if we're to provide you with this most excellent undercover work that has no match on the big internets for sheer fantastical scoopage and sensational amazingness. We now present you with the hard earned fruits of our labor and want to emphasize that we will do this until the cash runs out, our undercover staff checks into Betty Ford or we get more moolah so we don't have to PM me for details on how you can contribute. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reid: Heya Diary, Remember me? Reid? Yeah, I wrote in here the other day. I hope you remember. I remember you. Sometimes I realize I am just a piece of tape. Like that guy in “Chicago”… I tell ya Cellophane Mister Cellophane Shoulda been my name Mister Cellophane 'Cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And never know I'm there... Maybe I’ll actually get to kiss Jillian this week. If she remembers me. Forget me not, Reid -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tanner P: Oh, holy sweet toes, what a week it has been! Lovely Diary - Wait! Why am I writing in a diary again? Holy crap, the things I do when there are no toes for me to suck on!! - so, anyways, yeah, Diary, I'm an obsessed man. Diary, this Jillian chick, while not my style exactly, is kind of on the cool side. If only she'd let me sample her delicious lower appendages without freaking out, I would be floating in my little toe heaven with flip-flops and pedicures on my mind. Oh, the thought! All week, she seemed to like those bad boy types with tattoos, like that jerk, Wes, but then she totally kept her cool with me. What was I do to to get an edge? I had to spill the goods, not all of it, mind you - I'm no dirty snitch! - but just enough to give her a little push down the slope. And did she ever slide down it! Man, oh, man! The drama was delish, really, trully, but then nobody copped to the girlfriend business. Cowards! Liars! Ughh, should've pushed her harder. Oh, well... So, then, Diary, what did I get for my supreme efforts? Bah! I didn't toe the line, I put my foot in my mouth but at least I did not get the boot. *Snort* I'm so clever! So, I'll be back and hopefully there's even some hot toe action in my future. Off to hunt down that Reid guy; I swear he's got the cutest toes. Tanner P. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kiptyn: Dear Book of Manly Thoughts, Chris Harrison and some guys on the production staff want us to write journals on what we’re “feeling” on this “amazing journey.” I think they’ve been at this job too long because they all talk like that even without the script anywhere near them. Maybe it is a good idea for a couple of reasons. First, I’m fairly certain David is a homicidal maniac and should document the facts for the cops. After I got the one-on-one date, he cornered me in the bathroom, outside of the cameras, and told me that if I lay one finger on “his” woman he was going to kick my ass back to California. I didn’t let that nutjob stop me from putting my sweet, sweet faux beta-male moves on the fair Jillian. The kayaking thing was kind of fun, but having to slow down to let the crew catch up and film us was a bit of a killjoy. Jillian is great fun shopping, but a bit bossy. At least it was close to a real date and I didn’t have to puke in a helicopter. I’ll give it to Jillian—heh, heh—but the gal can cook, even half wasted on wine. Speaking of, there is nothing to do in this hotel other than drink, write in this journal, and talk to some of the other dudes who aren’t hiding from David’s rage. This pinot noir is very, very nice. Ya know what? I really do think I am falling for Jillian. This is going to be an amazing journey! We can open childrens’ charities around the globe and kayak for life! Oh, Harrison, where’s the ring shop? I need to propose before I lose this Love, Kiptyn -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wes: Dear Diary-y-y-y yeee haw oh yeah, *twaaaang* Oh Diary, diary. Well, that Jillian she's a fine gal. Not one of the guys here is my pal. My poor blue team lost the curling competition today. But ya'all know that my melodies have her heart already anyway. I like singing Jill these sweet country tunes because I know it makes me seem smoother than those other buffoons. I hoped to get rid of some cheatin' losers at the rose ceremony, but nobody would admit anything and that's a bunch of baloney. Oh wait, I have a lady at home waitin' for me. She don't care who I kiss as long as I get a contract and money. I fall in love with lots of girls at one time. That don't matter none because I'm good at the country rhyme. The guys think I'm a country singin' turd, but I think that's absolutely absurd. I have that Jillian wrapped around my finger oh yes she's a fool. I can't believe all the guys think I'm a tool. I like playin' the gee-tar and singin' my prose. It worked again dear Diary because I got me a rose! Songfully Yours, Wes -------------------------------------------------------------------------- David: Dear Bleepety Bleep Diary, What the *&^@? Me real man. Why the *&^% would Jillian let this fine specimen go? I know how to treat a chick. No matter what they say they all want me. Who wouldn't? D'oh! I get it. Jillian is still playing hard to get. At the Men Tell All, she's probably going to beg me to come back to the show. I don't know what that production assistant was talking about with that anger management crap. I'm going to go back to my man cave, hang out with my buddies, throw back a few brews and belch while we all Later, Dave the Man -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Michael: Yo Diary, Ah, sweet Jillian! I'm crushing hard on that cute girl. We went curling on a group date and I got a chance to cuddle with Jilly on the ice. I held her the same way I snuggle my teddy bear at night. We divided into two teams to compete for the rest of the night with Jillian. Dude, if it would have been a breaking competition, I would have bboyed my way right into her heart and won it for my team. Since none of the posers on my team can curl, we lost. I'm so bummed. With that alone time, I would have been popping it and locking it with my girl, if you know what I mean. Good thing my teddy is always there... -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ed: Diary, It's 9:37pm and I have exactly 3 minutes before it's shower time. So, about Jillian. I built a spreadsheet today with columns for kisses given, kisses received, number of dates, number of minutes spent in conversation, number of minutes gazing at the back of her head and amount of food consumed while in her presence. I will be also compiling a little prog I wrote in C++ that will help more with keeping my memories straight. She is a great girl and truly deserves top notch record keeping. Unlike with my exes there. I still can't recall who the girl with the red skirt and long blond hair was three years ago at that party where I only had one Vodka Martini - with a twist, I believe. So disconcerting. So, Diary, the curling date didn't quite compute. I will have to go back and calculate the probability of winning a first time match between beginners under less than ideal conditions and see whether our loss was due to the relative softness of the ice or our sweeping technique and whether the air conditioning system's energy output played any role in the end result. I'll get back to you on that. As for the rose, I got one. I was squirming a bit when she wanted to know about girlfriends but nobody spoke up so I didn't see any need to tell her about Later, Ed -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jake: Dear Diary, What the deuces am I supposed to do to convince this chick that I’m the guy for her? She’s says I’m “too perfect.” Okay, I am perfect, but there’s no such thing as “too perfect.” You’re either perfect or you’re not. I just happen to be, and there’s no way to change that. I’m me, I’m Jake. I told her that. I even told her about the time in third grade I was late coming in from recess and had to write 50 times: “I will not be late from recess.” And did you SEE what I wore to the stupid “rose ceremony.” Yep, that was me in the ripped jeans, right on the front row. How not perfect is that? It was like she didn’t even notice. I mean, look at this! So not perfect. I’ve got these dimples and sky-blue eyes and this dazzling smile, sure, but you could hardly call my looks perfect. C’mon, diary, there must be something we can do to prove I’m just as screwed up as all the other guys. My best friend and yours, Jake -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Juan: Dearest Diary, I just can't understand it. Jillian let me go - me! I thought I was saying all the right things. I mean, of course I didn't really mean them, I really just wanted to win Jillian. But every word was I shall ponder that as I fall to sleep. Love and kisses, Juan -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mark: Diary - Psyche! I totally hosed that loser Mike with my 'maybe my girlfriend cheated on me' sob story. It was perfect! After Mike grabbed the sweet seat in the helicopter I thought my chances were nothing, but he screwed up with all that adoration crap. He thought Jillian was eating it up and so did I, but I played my one on one time with her perfectly. I wasn't sure, but I just tunred on my man scorned mojo and pulled it out in the end. I am awesome. Thank you nameless girl that I can barely remember for cheating on me! Later, Mark -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mike: Diary - First of all, I think I had the best damn hair on this show. From all angles. I know Jillian appreciated it because she was staring at my all-man-all-the-time thoroughly macho locks every chance she got. Of course I tried to put all the rest of my best qualities forward for her. Diary, that Speedo was a bit uncomfortable but it showed me off to perfection and I know Jillian was staring; I could feel her eyes on my ass as I hit the ocean water a couple of weeks ago. Oh, yeah! So I don't know how we went form me stirring up blazing red hot lava feelings in her one week to me riding this lame gondola down the side of the mountain solo after our date. That other guy on my date with Jilly totally hosed her with a big load of mac & cheese story about his cruel heartbreak when we both know he was full of it to overflowing. Loser! So I was dispatched down the slope, Manly Diary. The worst part was the gusting wind that completely messed up my lovely tresses when I got out of that gondola. "Super Extra Hold Hairspray for All Day Staying Power" my ass. Mike -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: While we hold these Diary pages to be 100% authentic in every way, should be we get sued, we will deny any and all involvement with the contents, the method of procurement and any barely legal activities we may or may not have conducted in connection with them. Many thanks to our fearless contributors: AshleyPSU, BritLit, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl
__________________ "Feel the sky blanket you/ With gems and rhinestones/ See the path cut by the moon/ For you to walk on" - EV  |
| |
| Sponsored Links | |||
| Sponsored links | |||
|
06-12-2009, 06:55 PM
| #2 |
| FORT Fogey  Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: California
Posts: 2,462
| Re: Most Secret Bachelor Diaries - One How fun, Ms. Froggy! There were SO many great funnies, but my very favorite is Jake's sign off. Thanks for the laugh!!!
__________________ . I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.  |
|
| |
|
06-15-2009, 01:20 PM
| #4 |
| FORT Fanatic  Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Vancouver Island
Posts: 604
| Re: Most Secret Bachelor Diaries - One 
__________________ If your not the lead dog the scenery never changes |
|
| |
|
06-15-2009, 03:10 PM
| #5 |
| FORT Fan  Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Near Fantasyland
Posts: 371
| Re: Most Secret Bachelor Diaries - One   So glad that your sources have not dried up and we are getting the scoop via the diaries again this season |
|
| |
|
| Tags |
| bachelor diaries, bachelorette 5 |
| Thread Tools | |
| |
