Bachelorette 5--Recap 6/8: "What with the Cooking and Sweeping and Lying..."

[BritLit]

Camp Counselor Chris Harrison has gathered the guys in the bunkhouse to give out the week’s activity assignments. First, he breaks the bad news: “There are 13 of you left, but only one of you is the man of Jillian’s dreams.” She had me fooled. At the rate she’s been making out with these guys I would have bet she was ga-ga over at least six of them. According to Counselor Chris, there’ll be three dates, one solo, one group and one the dreaded “two go to war, only one returns.”

But there’s a twist, that little minx Jillian has run away. Again. This time she’s gone all the way to Canada and of course the fellows will have to chase after her. Again. Though devastated at having to leave their home away from home, the bunkhouse at Camp Truelove, they dutifully pack up and head out. In his farewell, David offers, “I really want to get a one-on-one.” Unclear if he means with Jillian or Juan.

As if by magic, we find ourselves in Vancouver where Jillian confides that now that she’s on her home turf her confidence has soared. Good, maybe she won’t be so afraid to kiss the guys. Oh, and as per contract, she makes the big announcement that Vancouver is the home of the 2010 WINTER OLYMPICS!

Wearing a rug-patterned retro frock from the Mary Quant 1964 collection, she welcomes the dudes to the Fairmont Whistler (sign appropriately featured) and takes them inside to show them their luxury suite, complete with, for a change, indoor plumbing. Ed asks if there’s a hot-tub. What? That’s a fair question: on this show, no hot tub equals no romance.

Jillian presents the date card with the admonition it can’t be opened ‘til she’s gone. Jesse treats it like a letter bomb, holds it up to the light, and sighing, pulls it from the envelope. Juan says he really wants a one-on-one. Unclear if he means with Jillian or Dave. Jesse reads aloud: “Kiptyn, let’s cook up some love Vancouver style.”


He Cooks; He Kayaks; He Kisses: It’s Super-Kip

Before the commercial, Counselor Chris tantalizes, after the break “Kiptyn brings the heat.”

Jillian is giddy with anticipation because “Kiptyn is somebody I’ve been excited about since he stepped out of the limo.” And fortunately, now that she’s home, “I feel like myself.” As opposed to feeling like, say, Lindsey Lohan? Their meeting is at the Canadian Stonehenge where they wander around for a bit, Kip making appropriate noises about the superiority of Vancouver over all other places on earth.

On the beach, they discover two abandoned kayaks, which is just the luckiest thing because as it turns out Jillian hasn’t had a chance to do her grocery shopping since getting back. Apparently it’s an old Vancouver tradition to take your dug-out canoe to the Granville Public Market. Once in the water, our fearless gal challenges Kip to a little competition. Paddling madly, they race to the bridge. He wins, wisely by the narrowest of margins. He swings his boat toward hers, with the immortal line: “My kayak just wants to near yours.” A cross-kayak smooch ensues. Warning: do NOT try this at home; suitable for professional kissers only.

We are now treated to the market scene, designed to show us that Kip can not only remember a grocery list in his head, he can simultaneously throw out original lines like, “Your eyes are so pretty.” while devotedly staring.. After the exhausting shopping trip, a rest period on benches outside is required so they can feed the pigeons and compete in conversation as to who has more charitable inclinations, It seems that in addition to his “day job” (not actually revealed), Kip is helping out with pretty much every noble endeavor in southern California. As for Jillian, she avers, “Moving forward in my life I wanna help other people.” And bring world peace. With a “Now that we’ve fed the birds, let’s go make some dinner,” from Jillian, they head out. Mode of transport not shown.

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelor Suite, the guys are discussing Jillian’s requirements for that elusive man of her dreams. Juan is “looking forward to shrinking the house.” I can think of a few that could use a shrink, but I’m not sure Juan is the guy for the job. Jake is of the opinion that “she doesn’t want a leech, but she wants a man.” Not particularly perceptive, but probably accurate, at least the leech part.

J/K have arrived at her fake luxury apartment (You ask how I know this? two words: votive candles), where Jake dutifully fake compliments her on her fake interior design and she fake thanks him. Now it’s on to the kitchen and adorable domesticity, Jillian in her little red-checked apron bustling about with steaming pots on the stove. instructing Kiptyn in the finer arts of pouring oil and vinegar into a bottle, promising to “walk him through the dressing.” They duck-face suck-face kiss. Looks painful to me.

The dinner preparation is one part cooking noodles, three parts canoodling. He admires her sauces and smooches her neck, one hand thoughtfully caressing her posterior through Betty-Boop apron. As it turns out, that mid-food-preparation neck smooch is Jillian’s idea of date perfection. She’s practically swooning, “I love being with him, being next to him. We just did it together.” IT was making dinner, you ninnies. Get your minds out of the gutter.

The after dinner conversation will take place on Jillian’s fake balcony. In a nutshell, we find out that she’s physically attracted, telling him if he wants to know what she likes in that department to “just go look in the mirror.” Kiptyn confesses that his big flaw is that he doesn’t tend to pursue people, that in life and business he goes after what he wants, but in the romance department he lets the girls chase him. Sure seems to be working on this one, because there is more smooching and surprise! she roses him. Doing the “itsy bitsy spider” finger-walk up her arm, he woos her, “I think I’m lucky, I’m lucky to be here with you. I’m a happy man.” Jillian reassures him that (as he doubtless already knew) he was the perfect person to spend the day with. Closing the door behind him as he departs, she does the penguin happy-dance. Baby steps.

Rocks and Jocks

Counselor Chris booms in a stentorian voice: “Today is a day of Olympic proportions.” Jillian, wearing her contractually required Vancouver 2010 Olympic sweatshirt and spandex pants, is excited to reveal that today “me and the guys” are going to be participating in an internationally recognized Olympic winter sport, Curling. Internationally recognized? Maybe. Absurd? Definitely. Chosen for the event are everybody but Mike and Mark.

The object of the game is to take a boulder, to the top of which a handle has been affixed via Super Putty (readily available on QVC) and shove it from the Hog Line 146 ft. to the Hack. To assist its traverse, other team members endeavor to melt the ice in the stone’s path by scrubbing said surface with Swiffer Sweepers. Whichever stone winds up closest to the bulls-eye gets the points.

Canadians feel so inadequate for having little to claim as their own invention, that I feel bad about what I am about to tell you. Curling was actually invented in America, in the great state of Massachusetts. Back during the 1700’s, children liked to amuse themselves by playing the game of hopscotch. Unfortunately in the winter, it was so darn cold that the rocks used for throwing would freeze to their little hands. A Harvard freshman (I heard it was Cotton Mather, but that’s just a legend.) got the bright idea to use a really really big rock and, instead of throwing, to slide it across the ice toward a target. The only problem was that it would often get stuck halfway. Luckily, the city of Salem had a bunch of brooms left over from some witch trials and donated them to the kids so they could “sweep” down the course, melting the ice. The rest, as they say, is history. Sorry Canada.

But back to our regularly scheduled programming. At the internationally recognized curling rink (did we mention the Olympics are going to be here in 2010?), Jillian has divided the guys into two teams, the Reds and the Blues. The Red Team is Jake, Jesse, Juan, David and Robby. The Blue Team is Wes, Ed, Reid, Michael and Tanner. They’re going to have to compete against each other and the winning team will be rewarded with, yes, a special date with Jillian aboard a boat. The losers will be sent back to the hotel where they will indubitably, as Ed and Reid later announce, “get drunk and drink a lot of shots.”

Michael will be providing the color commentary for the afternoon, observing that curling is “shuffleboard meets bowling meets ice skating.” The Yodeler nastily asks Reid, “Does your wife curl?”

Jesse turns out to be something of a “ringer”, landing the stone nearly dead center.

Michael: “That dude is seriously good.”

Jesse: “I was gonna do everything in my power to get this date. I ‘Joe-Namathed” it.” Comment accompanied by hokey-pokey victory dance with butt-shaking. He and Jillian should pair up for some dance competition.

Michael: (who by this time has somehow managed to spend more time hugging Jillian than competing): “I just wanna pick her up and hug and go get some hot chocolate and NOT curl.”

The Red Team is victorious, owing in some measure to opponent Wes’s turn pushing the stone which ends with him deservedly splatted face-down on the ice. As the Red Team is awarded a lovely golden-hued plastic trophy, Michael wails, “We’re a loserish blob of blue nothingness.”

Now to the reward part of the challenge, a cruise aboard a historic crab boat in the company of The Desired One. Ever gallant, it’s Jake who helps her up the gangplank. Popping the champagne cork, Jillian “awards” the MVP to Jesse, who announces that he’s trying out for the Canadian Olympic curling team because “I’m gonna be a citizen soon.” Ooh, too clever by half.

After dinner, Jillian spirits Jake away to the engine room so she can look cute trying on the captain’s hat. In case anyone’s wondering what Jake thinks of her messing around with a couple dozen guys he tell us that she’s “trying other guys out.” He thinks of himself as “a pretty good catch, a really nice guy.” Okay, so here’s the thing. When Kip got his date card, Jake told him “finally a girl that likes the good guys. Don’t know why the girls go after the edgy bad guys.” Can you spell W-E-S, boys and girls?

Jake tells her that the Martina McBride date not only “made his year,” but that it also “made his life.” Man, you really need to get out more. Anyway, he’s really missed being with her. Jillian tells him that her first impression of him was that “he was maybe too perfect.” (Note to Jake: don’t be surprised when you get handed the ‘friend’ card.) More annoying discussion of Jake’s perfection being an impediment to the relationship. Jake afterward: “I got some things from her tonight I did NOT want to hear.”

Next up for special time (and on a bed, no less): Jesse, who until the curling date has been ‘flying under the radar.’ For some unfathomable reason Jesse is wearing one of those flat-caps usually seen only on gentlemen over the age of 75. Jillian is apparently able to ignore it, as he praises her smarts, her personality, her way with people. He goes in for the kiss. Damn, it’s another one of those duck-face suck-face ones. If Jillian isn’t careful, she’s going to wind up with a lower lip the size of a saucer, looking like one of those African tribesmen in National Geographic. Jesse seems pleased: “Me and Jillian we had a great conversation.” At any rate, they’re grammatically compatible.

Now it’s Big Dave’s turn. Jillian says she and Dave are “more like buddies” and that she’s hoping to see a softer, more gentlemanly side to him. Maybe in his next incarnation. Dave then proceeds to woo her by telling her that he’s been walking behind her all day the better to admire her great ass encased in spandex. He goes so far as to accuse her of looking at her own ass in the mirror and calls her a liar when she denies it.

Moving on up from the derrière, drunken Dave starts raving about her bosoms. Judging from the number of times he’s bleeped, I’m guessing he’s using a rather different term. Jillian by this time is seriously regretting her low neckline and valiantly attempting to keep undergarments hidden. Dave lunges for a kiss, which she adeptly dodges. He’s furious: “I’ve never been turned down for a kiss.” She chastises him for his crude language. That makes him even angrier and he accuses her of kissing every other bloke within bussing range. She defends herself lamely by invoking the “script” of the Western date. She was only acting, not kissing.

Jillian feels that perhaps Dave has “disrespected her” sometimes in this date. Ya think?
Dave is unfazed by his rejection: “I think she is into me. I think she was just testin’ me.” Dave, you are not only a disgusing drunk; you are delusional. I liked you better when you was threatening to kill somebody.

Having narrowly escaped Dave’s clutches (literally), Jillian rejoins the other guys and with her usual lame reasoning, gives the rose to Jesse, who’s quite pleased: “It’s good to be me right now. It’s good to be me.”

Dull and Duller

The final date of the episode is the dreaded two on one and the Date Card has come for baseball guy Mike and pizza guy Mark. Their invitation read: “Come with me to the top of the world.” I swear, someday I’m going to write a book with nothing but the text from the Bachelor and Bachelorette “date cards.” Definitely Pulitzer Prize caliber literature.

Day of date—on the plaza. The guys get out of the car and Mike does the famous Bachelor “run to the girl and sweep her up in your arms” maneuver. Mark is left standing, looking foolish. And guess what else is here? A big Yellow whirlybird! When the producers can’t think of anything else to do on a date, they just go out and rent a yellow helicopter, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing since we’ve yet to find a bachelor who’s ever previously flown in one.
Mike is no exception.

So, off they go, Jillian on one side, Mike in the middle leaning against her, and poor Mark exiled to the opposite door, so bloody bored he can’t help yawning. Cue majestic snow-covered mountain tops, probably just stock footage from last season in New Zealand, but they’re playing some cinema soundtrack to amp up the impression of ecstacy.

The chopper lands at Grouse Mountain (as contractually required, sign shown prominently) and the next thing we know they’re sitting around a kiddie table having dinner. If there’s ever a competition, they should enter this date in the category of “most boring ever.” Mike is single-handedly carrying the dinner conversation. mainly by making fawning simpering remarks about how fab Jillian is and how attracted to her is he.

While Jillian is expressing her great fear of never finding Mr. Right, Mark allows as how being alone ain’t so bad: “Sometimes I think I’m just gonna buy a dog and move to Alaska.” We then have successive fireside chats with the two gents, as snow ever so romantically falls outside the windows. Mike gives her the big sell of “being here to find the person I’m spending the rest of my life with.” She assures him she knows he’s here for the right reasons. He gets a hug.

Knowing that Jillian’s biggest requirement in a guy is having had a broken heart, Mark regales her with an account of an affair in which he was pretty sure he was being cheated on. Rather unenthusiastically he tells us, “Yeah, I want the rose.” Then he suggests Jillian not worry about the guys, that it’s her time to “be selfish.”

All together again, and we get the “hardest decision ever” speech from Jillian who hands the rose to Mark. I’ve seen guys show more emotion over forgetting to put the butter back in the fridge than Mark displayed about getting rosed.

Mike gets taken outside to the gondola and is given a push down Grouse Mountain (what is it this season with the rejects all having to take public transportation?) and Mark gets a sit-down on the sofa next to Jillian. Feeble hug. Kiss not shown, nor believed to have occurred.

“Somebody’s Got Some ‘Splainin’ to Do”

The guys are stampeding from their suite heading to the cocktail party, where Jillian awaits in a (very) little gold dress that looks like she whipped it up using last year’s Christmas tree tinsel. The guys make a big fuss over how great she looks; Jake is the first to greet and kiss her. Thunderclap of doom heard outside.

Jillian takes Reid out for a little cuddling and conversation. She tells us that when she’s with him she just wants to hug him, but she feels a little more insight is needed. She expresses her desire to come live with the guys, to be there when they’re all together. Reid warns her that is definitely Not something she’d like. When she asks why, he says the guys act very differently when she’s around.

Not one to waste time, Reid makes his move: “I’m real and I’m honest and I just want to kiss you.” Coyly, she makes him ask her a random question first. He wants to know about her first “crush.” She laughs and says a guy named Vinson who played the guitar and sang. Reid half laughs, half snorts, “Like Wes.” Last part of visit not shown; kiss definitely assumed.

Editorial comments now presented:
Reid: “Wes is just here for his music.”
Jake: “There’s a side of Wes the guys see and another side Jillian sees and it’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”
Ed: “Wes is foolin’ Jillian but he’s not foolin’ me.”

Segue to: Jillian and Wes outside on a bench. He’s thoughtfully brought along a throw to keep them warm (snakes are cold-blooded). He lays it on thick about how much he’s missed her and he just has so much love to give and he’s sure he has the makings to make (song lyric anyone) somebody happy. As contractually required, she praises the song he wrote for her. Wes assures her he’s “only had three girlfriends” and that he’s “never cheated in his life” and that he wants to “settle down and have some kids and relax and have fun with you.” Whoaaa, buddy. Jillian, I regret to report, must be as ‘thick as a plank’ because she tells us that whenever she’s with Wes she feels so special and that “after today I could see myself falling in love with him.”

Above them, hanging out the hotel window, Ed and Tanner are spying on Wes. Tanner mocks: “He’s telling her he loves her, he’s gonna write a song for her, he’s gonna write four songs, he’s gonna write six songs.” Unable to bear it any longer, he yells out the window, “Disgusting!”

Cut to: Jillian and Jake. Jake tells her their first date was one of the most exciting times of his life, but that he’s felt her cooling off toward him and that after their time on the crab boat he really felt disheartened. Basically, he says, “Look, what you see is what you get. This is Jake, this is me.” He then proceeds to warn her about the guys, “You’ve got a whole roomful of boys. Be careful whoo you let go home. There’s some great guys here; there’s some guys that don’t need to be here.” They are interrupted by waiter Juan with his usual excuse of a fresh drink of Jillian.

Next on the “talk to” list is Tanner. This time he’s going to spill some beans for sure. “This is tough for you and I know that. There’s definitely some guys you need to know about. Some other guys are being fake, not telling you their real life. I hate to break the news to you, but I’ve honestly heard guys say, ‘I’ve got a girlfriend back home.’’ Jillian demands to know who he means, but Tanner won’t name names.

Jill is livid. “I’ve been hearing all night that there are guys here for the wrong reasons. It’s the rudest possible thing I’ve known in my entire life.”

She marches in to the cocktail party and addresses the villains and heroes. “This is a conversation I thought I’d never have to have. I’m a really good person. The rumor around the block is that there are people here who are still in other relationships or have a hidden agenda . There are people here I truly adore and I don’t want them taking time away from other guys.”

It seems we are about to have the obligatory Bachelorette “y’all hurt my feelings” snit fit and party cancellation. “We’re not having a cocktail party any more and I’ll see you guys at the rose ceremony.” She teeters out on her too-high high heels.

Reid is shocked, “What?” Robby is “pissed. I don’t have a rose and now I don’t get to talk to her.” Michael says to no one in particular: “If you don’t like her, just leave.”

Jillian, back in the Deliberation chamber, is having a melt-down. “I feel cheated. I don’t even wanna cry about it.” Then she says something which wasn’t very nice; we know this because she gets bleeped. Enter Counselor Chris. She’s still raging, “There are guys here that are snakes. If they’re not here for me they need to step up. I don’t know how I can get the truth.” (Note to Jillian: truth acquisition not in your contract.)

Counselor Chris offers to wring the truth out of those cads, no matter what it takes, but he’s worried the culprit may be somebody Jillian already adores. He goes in to the guys, who’ve been neatly lined up for the firing squad. Man, can he be tough: “All right guys, I just talked to Jillian. She’s here to find the man of her dreams; to find that some of you might have a girlfriend, you can understand how she’s upset.” Guys now visibly quaking in boots.

Counselor Chris calls in the victim, er Jillian, and tells the guys, “Let’s just get this out in the open.” Wes looks around like the cat who swallowed the canary. Uncomfortable shuffling of feet. Reid looks genuinely puzzled. Jake breaks the interminable silence. “You know what? I do have something to say. I’m here to find love and I’d be really pissed if I found out somebody was here with a girlfriend, taking away my time with Jillian. Hey man, step up, I’d really like to know.”

Ed volunteers: “I don’t have a girlfriend.” Wes announces, “I’m clean.” (Make of that what you will.) Dave is most concerned about finding the snitch and Tanner is sweating like the fat lady on the Fourth of July. Tanner warns Juan, “Stop looking at me.” Juan says he’s looking at everybody. Just like the opera, subtitles are required. The camera frequently stops on Wes, but he’s as cool as a cucumber.

Counselor Chris has now totally lost any shred of authority, and tries to make peace: “just to clear this up, everyone is here for the right reasons; everyone is here for Jillian.” Yes, Chris, and to sell their country music CD’s and get acting and modeling gigs, but hey those are good reasons too.

For the sake of drama, Jillian has to get back to those “Most Wanted” posters in the Deliberation Chamber one more time before she starts pinning on the petals. She returns and sort of apologizes to the guys for all the stress (What did you expect? The girl’s Canadian.) Counselor Chris does his mental count, seven roses, plus the three for Mark, Jesse and Kip. Two will be taking the walk of shame this evening.

Roses are bestowed upon: Reid, Robby, Ed, Michael, Wes, Jake. Counselor Chris shocks everyone by announcing that this will be the final rose tonight and it goes to: Tanner! (You don’t seriously think she’d let the guy with the gossip go home, do you?) Deflowered: Juan and David. Juan doesn’t seem very broken up over the rejection. He just tells her, “Don’t worry about it.” Dave wants her to tell him why she’d let go such a prize specimen of American manhood. Afraid to tell him the truth, that he’s a blight upon civilization, she just whispers, “I don’t know, it just wasn’t right.” Dave tells us Jillian made two big mistakes, letting him go and and not revealing the snitch. More about which later.

All is forgiven; next week everyone, even the bad boys, gets a trip to Whistler.

As for me, I have but one regret: that they didn’t put the rejected Juan and David in the same taxi. Now that would have made for interesting TV.

[Google]

 

[sanlee]

Very good recap I must say! It's entertaining and full of laughs. I enjoyed it. It was better than the actual show. I agree, putting Juan and David in the same taxi would have been priceless.

[I'msotired]

Wearing a rug-patterned retro frock from the Mary Quant 1964 collection

Perhaps she went shopping with Kyle?

On the beach, they discover two abandoned kayaks, which is just the luckiest thing because as it turns out Jillian hasn’t had a chance to do her grocery shopping since getting back.

Bah ha ha... (aside to BritLit: SCO-O-O-R-E! Point #1)

The dinner preparation is one part cooking noodles, three parts canoodling.

SCORE! Point #2 for the TiredBrit team.

He admires her sauces

We've got a Trifecta going! Point #3

because there is more smooching and surprise! she roses him

SCORE!!! Point #4

other team members endeavor to melt the ice in the stone’s path by scrubbing said surface with Swiffer Sweepers.

A twofer! A twofer! Points #5 & 6

owing in some measure to opponent Wes’s turn pushing the stone which ends with him deservedly splatted face-down on the ice.

SCORE! Point #7

More annoying discussion of Jake’s perfection being an impediment to the relationship

What's 8? An Octfecta?

Jesse, who until the curling date has been ‘flying under the radar.

And point 9!

Dave lunges for a kiss, which she adeptly dodges. He’s furious:

And 10. And 11.

Mike is single-handedly carrying the dinner conversation. mainly by making fawning simpering remarks about how fab Jillian is and how attracted to her is he.

Tres cool. A 12-ecta!

Mike gets taken outside to the gondola and is given a push down Grouse Mountain

Appropriately Point #13. Spooky.

Counselor Chris offers to wring the truth out of those cads, no matter what it takes

SCORE again! Point #14

and Tanner is sweating like the fat lady on the Fourth of July.

And #15. (Most excellent visual description, btw!)

they didn’t put the rejected Juan and David in the same taxi.

16! 16!

Did we win anything?


Great job, BritLit! WAY too many funnies to pull them all out. Just know that my cheeks hurt. A lot. Thanks!!!

[CharmOffensive]

David was awful. Speaking to Jillian using such crass terms as t*** and a** when they were supposed to be having a romantic time together. Nice way to kill the mood. When was the last time such an occasion had ABC bleeping the bachelor's comments? But he was true to form. He's a trucker. Extremely lowerclass. He spoke as if he was talking to men (his trucker buddies). And after that he wanted to kiss her. lol. Ugh. He should return to his trailer park.

So what's up with Jillian dumping the men who haven't been dumped yet (or been in love and broken up)? She's done it twice now. I read on another board that Jillian needs therapy. I think she didn't have enough time after The Bachelor last season to heal.

I smirked when Jillian made the comment about the Kitchen Kiss. I tried that about ten years ago and got the exact same response.

[MsFroggy]

As for me, I have but one regret: that they didn’t put the rejected Juan and David in the same taxi. Now that would have made for interesting TV.

Why do they always mess up on this show? The good bits are either on the cutting room floor or never even get filmed. You'd think they have better scriptwriters by now!

Good one, BL!

[umngirl]

Originally Posted by BritLit

As for me, I have but one regret: that they didn’t put the rejected Juan and David in the same taxi. Now that would have made for interesting TV.

That would have been must-see tv.

[Jano]

Ha! Great recap. I look forward to them every week!

[dondiego]

Originally Posted by BritLit

“Me and Jillian we had a great conversation.” At any rate, they’re grammatically compatible.

thank you for the new relationship evaluation criterion. Your recap was infinitely more entertaining than the program.

[duckfarts]

Love the weekly recaps. Have learned to chuckle very quietly while reading them if I'm at work, although at this point I'm not sure my co-workers would even blink if I sat here laughing out loud....

[lildago]

As for me, I have but one regret: that they didn’t put the rejected Juan and David in the same taxi. Now that would have made for interesting TV.

Good TV indeed! I wouldn't have turned it off as soon as roses where handed out.

Great recap, BritLit!