Bachelorette 5--6/1 Recap: Jump, Shoot and Drive

BritLit · 06-03-2009, 12:08 AM

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Helpful Host Chris Harrison appears in the bunkhouse to announce the dates for the week, one group date and two individual dates with threats of rose deprivation. Honestly, this guy is so letter perfect, you’d almost think he’d given this speech before. Tossing off his exit line, “Who will be Jillian’s leading man?” he pulls out the first date card.

Hulky Bulky Sat on a Wall

The date is for Ed: the card reads “Love Can Be Dangerous.” Speculating that they’re probably going to build some software (he’s a computerguy if you didn’t know), Ed throws his worldly goods into a chartreuse suitcase and is sent off to a chorus of “live dangerously” from the guys.

Jillian tells us that she’s really attracted to Ed , that what she wants is “just him and I to be alone” and that “me and Ed are in a fresh start relationship.” Preferably one involving a grammar coach. She describes Ed as “hulky, bulky.” Really? If you say so.

And off they soar in a big yellow flying machine (suspect Bachelor/Bachelorette production company to have affiliation with yellow paint manufacturer). Ed confesses he’s never been in a helicopter (well how sad is that),and he just can’t decide whether he preferred looking at the scenery or Jillian more. Jillian reminisces about her last helicopter ride with Spineless Wonder in New Zealand and is appreciative of PDA shown by current companion. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the guys discuss whether or not Ed will get the evening’s rose. They conclude that he’s not adventurous (serious requirement to become Chosen One) but that if he gets to move into the house he could become a threat.

The heliotrope helicopter sets down upon the roof of a downtown LA skyscraper. Jillian avows that she loooves adrenaline and that the two of them are going to leap from the precipice. Her exact words, in fact are: “I think that in order to find love you have to take a leap of faith.” Eying the giant wires attached to roof edge and realizing that is his only means of exit, Ed turns the color of his suitcase and allows as how he’s “more spontaneous than adventurous.” As far as this urban adventure goes, he says, “I never heard of it. I don’t even know if it’s legal.” Nice try Ed, but you’re still goin’ down.

The pair allow themselves to be trussed up like chickens and attached to the big green clotheslines. As they climb over the ledge, Ed shouts to Jillian that she’d better give him a rose. Honey, you should have demanded one before they pushed you over the edge. Some four and half hours later, going at one-fifth snail speed, they land, fortuitously right on the edge of a Swimming Pool. Jillian tells us that “Ed and I were in the middle of nowhere”—boy is the LA mayor going to be hacked off about that; Ed expresses his opinion that this will probably be his last building-leap.

Donning conveniently available swim attire, they enter the pool and engage in fascinating talk about talking. Big smooch ensues. Jillian sits on side of pool and locks her legs around Ed’s back (having acquired this skill on previous season of The Bachelor she is anxious to practice). More smooching. Jillian confesses to us that she has a ‘major crush’ on Ed.

Some hours later. Exterior. Night. Another rooftop—the Bonaventure Hotel. Appearing in a black dress with one missing sleeve, Jillian announces she has a “romantic dinner planned for just me and Ed and that she’s glad she “popped his helicopter cherry.” That girl is a major wordsmith. The dinner conversation revolves around balancing work and personal life. She offers that she “has so much love to give.” He wants to be stable and secure when he has a family.

More smooching transpires. We discover their mutual admiration for one another’s eyes and learn that Ed didn’t expect to like her as much as he does. We also find that she has apparently worked some sort of miracle in getting him to ‘open up’ to her. Tired of the verbal sparring, Ed comes right out and asks if he’s getting the damn rose. She goes to get it, pins it on, and says she had an “awesome” time today, that she was immediately attracted to him, but now she knows “it’s real.” Smooch assumed, not shown. Ed enthuses, “I felt on top of the world after she gave me the rose.”

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the guys get a little frenetic when the porters/production assistants arrive to claim the chartreuse suitcase. To their chagrin, it gets moved into the mansion, not sent to the airport. Brad is unimpressed: “I don’t know if Jillian has the heart to break up with anyone.”

“I Can’t Help This Stupid Look”—John Wayne

The next day. Exterior/Interior. A large black limousine arrives in the mansion driveway.

The previous evening the second date card arrived at the bunkhouse. This one says, “Show me the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” The invited include Reid, Wes, the two Michaels, the two Tanners, Mark, Brad, Robby, Kiptyn and Juan.

The crew piles into the limo and soon arrives at what looks like an Old West movie set. Why, lo and behold, it IS an old west movie set and everyone is going to get to put on cowboy outfits and pretend to act in a pretend movie. Unfortunately, there were only nine costumes for eleven guys, so the wardrobe department had to hurriedly make a poncho for Brad out of an old horse blanket and a vest and some chaps for TannerP from a bedspread used in the filming of “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.” TannerP complains that “everybody else has a distinguished part and I’m in a Flintstones suit.” Tanner honey, you suck toes on national television: dignity is not in the realm of the possible for you.

Our first vignette is Mark and Jillian seated at a table in the saloon. (Note to self: Google why saloons always have those useless swinging half-doors.) Brad enters, and despite being weighed down by horse-blanket poncho starts to slug it out with Mark. This is obviously meant to be a comic scene because no one in their right mind would believe Brad would win a fight with a gnat. Brad strides from the saloon and Jillian follows him outside to “thank” him with a kiss. Brad is euphoric, “I definitely gave Jillian one of the best kisses of her life. I’m a super badass.” Observing, Tanner’s opinion isn’t so favorable: “That was the worst kiss I’ve seen since l988.” Presumably one he saw while watching “A Fish Called Wanda.”

The purty little lady goes into a jail cell where first Reid, then Brad are waiting to “get bussed”. She obliges. A street scene follows and Kip lays one on her, prompting her to warn the others: “no tongue you guys.” Next we have bowler hatted, hobo-bag carrying Robby, who tells us that “When I go in for a kiss, it’s going to be me kissing her.” And he did keep it going for a while, picking her up and doing “the twirl” (a move patented by producers of show). Modestly, Robby says that “on a scale of 1 to 10, our kiss is a 50” and Jillian claims that the only time she wasn’t “acting” when she was kissing one of the guys was with Robby.

(May I add a little personal testimony here? After seeing on the show how much fun totally indiscriminate uninhibited kissing appears to be, I decided to try it myself. So far today I’ve laid passionate smooches on the garbage men (2), the postman, the teller at the bank, the dry cleaner, and the server at the Dairy Queen. Let me tell you: it is all it is cracked up to be, and I want to encourage each of you to try it during the coming week and report back here.)

It is now time in our program for a regularly scheduled interruption by The Yodeler (aka Wes). He drags Jillian off the set to reveal that he didn’t want to watch her kissing other guys and that it’s about time those dudes “start getting weeded out fast.” I’m on the edge of my seat: Is that bloody guitar about to appear? Whew, not this time. Jillian consoles him by telling him he did get the first kiss (apparently she’s required to both kiss and discuss). To the audience she reveals she’s glad he’s a little jealous of the other guys and that “Wes already thinks I belong to him.”

Alas, there is but one performance remaining, as Mike and Michael are assigned to reenact a love scene from “Brokeback Mountain.” Michael is quick to announce, “Can I just say right out I like women.” An extremely awkward scene is played, but I’m giving kudos to both for sportsmanship and to Michael for a great sense of humor: “that did get kind of emotional; I’m not gonna lie.”

Several hours later, downtown LA, another rooftop. The Wrap Party. We see a tray with drinks and another one with two roses (am I wrong here? don’t have the fortitude to watch the thing again to be sure).

Reid, wearing a tee shirt that’s either spotted or bedazzled, makes his move and takes Jillian outside to the great huge and enormous parachute chair of passion. In response to her required inquiry about his previous relationships, he admits he’s only been in love one and a half times in his life. (Since Jillian has been claiming to the media that she only “really” kissed three and a half times on the whole show this would seem to be a perfect match).

He’s just moving in for the kiss when who should arrive, fresh drink in hand (probably ginger ale) but Juan. Reid is not pleased, feeling he’s always “getting the short end of the stick.” Outside in the hot tub the guys reach agreement that Juan is a blight upon the Bachelorette experience.

Cut to: Robby and Jillian in the parachute chair. He fishes for a compliment on their earlier kiss; she agrees his was the best. Another smooch, this time with all the guys watching. Jillian and Robby get back in the hot tub with the others. At this time, please feel free to leave the room because we’re about to be subjected yet again to Tanner slobbering all over Jillian’s feet, pressing them to his cheek and proclaiming that they “looked so good he wanted to put them in his mouth.” (Intrigued by this disgusting habit of TannerP’s, I’ve consulted with several foot-fetish experts and they all assure me that no Real self-respecting foot fetisher would be after Jillian’s feet—her second toe is longer than her big toe. Make of that what you will.)

Robby gets the rose; he kisses her; he and the rest of the guys are forced to view a screening of the day’s movie-making. Jillian swoons to camera, “I felt like a leading lady today, now I want to find my leading man.” Eloquent dialog, that.

While the big Hollywood movie premier continues, another date card is delivered to the bunk house. It’s for Sasha: “Can You Handle My Curves.” I’ve heard it sometimes takes days just to get the wording on these date cards nailed down. Frankly, I sort of miss the old days, when a date box came replete with funny hats, sun-tan lotion and Mardi-gras beads.

Ferraris and Fairy Tales

Wearing the sort of embroidered shirt made popular in Florida retirement communities, Sasha is ready for the date. He is proud to tell us that he’s one of the “more rounded individuals in the house and that he’s always looking for that mythical unicorn.” Sasha and Jillian meet in the driveway as the other guys jealously gather round. Yodeler acts like he’s the one going on the date, grabs her in a hug and natters on about her song. Jillian teeters around in pair of yellow 8-inch heels and a skirt so short she’ll have to spend the night standing up.

She announces she’s taking Sasha to the Peterson Automotive Museum because she loves cars, indeed, she loves “anything with a motor.” Now if you immediately thought of something other than lawn-mower, shame on you. Sasha is appropriately excited. On arrival, for some inexplicable reason, they proceed to lounge all over classic vehicles and take pictures of each other. Sasha says it’s the “sexiest photo shoot I’ve ever taken in my life.” Museum officials going ballistic next day upon discovery of badly scratched paint jobs not discussed.

Now it’s about to become every guy’s dream date. Jillian gives Sasha a choice of hot-rodding around LA in either a Ferrari convertible or some jalopy. He picks the Ferrari and off they go at breakneck speed, cameraman clinging to hood for dear life. Conversation is difficult in the vehicle because Jillian is screaming like a thirteen-year-old on a double-loop roller coaster.

Back at the museum, it’s time for the intimate dinner and obligatory soul-baring conversation. Jillian inquires about Sasha’s first car, which provides the opportunity for him to tell her that it was a big truck that went out of control and rolled over on him crushing his pelvis, leg and lung. This near-death experience naturally changed his life and well, you can imagine the rest. Jillian is astounded by this revelation: “I couldn’t pick my jaw up off the ground.” (Presumably production assistant nearby to retrieve.) Now how fortunate is it that she’s always wanted someone who’s been through a storm?

The conversation now turns to the “relationship test”. Jillian learns to her dismay that Sasha has only told three women that he loved them, and that two of those were in high school. This is a serious problem, because as we know Jillian is only interested in guys who have suffered serious heartbreak. He bring up the darn unicorn again. Jillian tells the camera that of course she’s looking for true love but not just love for the sake of loving and that it’s very much a case of “going out to look for the unicorn.” This whole unicorn thing is beginning to bug me, big time. It’s a scientific fact that unicorns are invisible except to virgins and well, let’s just say when a virgin shows up on this show it’s mentioned about every fifteen minutes. And not in a good way. I’m just saying: if I were these two I wouldn’t spend a lot time out there in the forest.

Viewer Warning: while Jillian and Sasha are hashing things out in the garage, back at the bunkhouse Wes has fired up the guitar because he’s determined to finish That Song. Brad opines that he’s getting a little tired of the guitar.

Enough of the chit-chat: Sasha has read the handwriting on the wall and tells Jillian he felt her start to “pull back” when she found out about his lack of experience in love and heartbreak. Rather unkindly, she gets up and gets the rose and returns to the sofa tantalizingly twirling it in her grubby little paws. Sasha is informed that while she “wishes she could be the unicorn he’s looking for” she can’t give him the rose because she’s worried he’ll expect her to be perfect.

Of course, Jillian feels just awful about having to send Sasha home because she hates hurting people, but not so bad she doesn’t frog-march him out into the street where the bus from Extreme Makeover Home Edition is waiting to haul him off. She fakes tears: “Sasha is a great person.”
Sasha, on the bus, a little shell-shocked, observes, “start off in a limo, get the Ferrari, wind up in a bus, it’s a great way to be humbled.”

Jillian has been ensconced safely in her mansion when the ubiquitous Yodeler shows up in the front yard, guitar and allegedly complete song in hand. Juliet, I mean Jillian comes out onto her balcony. Serenade begins, (everybody join in, you all know it by now), “They say, they say that love it don’t come easy.” This is so wonderful that Jillian invites the Yodeler up to her lair to finish his serenade. Kissing. Yuk. She says he made her cry. Well, you’d cry too if you had to listen to that horrible howling over and over.

Re song completion: I have been advised against doing this, but I think I can trust each of you to be discreet, so I am going to share a secret with you. Two of the intrepid interns here at FORT chanced to be in Malibu one morning and drove by the mansion. As it happened, it was trash day and overflowing garbage cans were sitting on the curb. A torn piece of paper with some scribbling on it blew their way. We believe that it may contain fragments of The Song:

They say, they say I’m here for the wrong reason,
But they begged me to be here this season.

They say, they say the radio’ll play my CD’s,
That in country music I’ll be the big cheese.

They say, they say if she takes me to Hawaii,
I can forget about that shack in Chihuahua.

Regrettably, the lower part of the page was torn off, but the lyrical quality of the text makes us believe it to be a genuine early draft of The Song.

Eat, Drink and Be Bellicose

It’s that time again—cocktail party! Already berosed Ed and Robby are chatting about their advantageous situation. Enter the Bachelorette. She makes a little speech about how she’s making a connection with everyone. To us, she confides that letting Sasha go was so hard on her, so much harder than she expected.

The first claimant to one on one time with Jillian is Reid, who says every time he sees her he feels like he should kiss her. He’s a bit chaffed that he didn’t get a rose the night before and asks her why. She give him the old “if I’d had two roses I would have given you one” line. But no matter, he gets the big smooch now. Jillian informs us she had her first kiss with Reid tonight, that it was soft, slow and perfect. Liar liar pants on fire. You kissed him at the Wrap Party, and we know this how? Because ABC showed it to us in previews! Maybe it just got lost in the other two dozen kisses you handed out that day.

Jillian goes inside to find sweet sweet Dave and invites him outside for a little chat. She asks how he’s doing and he confesses he’s jealous of the other guys, that he’s used to being “top dog.” He’s just about to blow the whistle and starts to tell her that there are guys in the house that aren’t a good fit for her when they are interrupted by Arch Enemy Juan. Ohh, not a good move Juan. You have just lit the Dave fuse.

Juan begins his smarmy spiel about how pretty she is tonight and how he’s loved all her outfits. You can just see the thought-balloon above his head planning on getting identical ones made for his Barbie collection. Apropros of nothing, he tries to woo her in Spanish, “I think you’re marvelous.” Imagine marvelous with eleven syllables. Inexplicably, Jillian seems to like the guy, calling him a real gentleman.

Inside, David proposes a toast to macho-men and friendship. Jake tells David that Juan’s behavior is “flat-out disrespectful”.

We now interrupt with the evening’s foot fest. TannerP announces he’s “here to suck on some toes and for Jillian”. In that order. He and Jillian go outside to sit on bench. In a very unwise move, she puts her bare feet onto his lap, sending him into paroxysms of joy. He “wants to totally suck on toes”. Enough of this guy already.

Time for the Kip and Jillian make-out session. Of course we first have to hear the whole “you haven’t had your heart broken” accusation from Jillian but he masterfully lets her know that’s no impediment to his falling in love. They kiss, big time, as his hand moves stealthily from her ankle upward.

While Jillian is being wooed by various and sundry, in what appears to be an excessively inebriated state, has been on an anti-Juan tirade. Robby observes that “David looks like he’s going to kill someone.” Even mild-mannered Brad takes David aside to express his concern. At one point David has demanded of the group, “Is Juan the right person for Jillian?” and berated them for not speaking out.

Having earlier been sent back inside by David, who told him “Juan go back inside, we’re talking about you”, Juan ventures out again. He wants them to know he doesn’t have a beef with anyone and that “everybody doesn’t have to like everybody.” David accuses Juan of fake-drinking and fake choking at the Meet and Greet. In fact, says David, Juan is totally fake and belligerently orders Juan, “You’re 35 years old, stop being a cheese-ass.” Only Robby and Juan are left: Robby tells Juan that he “agrees with a hundred percent of what David said”, thumps him on the shoulder and promises to talk later.

Focus on Dave again. He really wants to kill Juan and he uses a lot of bleeped-out swear words to express his feelings. Remember Dave getting out of the limo night one and not having a thing to say? Well, he hadn’t yet met Juan.

Just in the nick of time Helpful Host appears and comments on the interesting party going on. Jillian thanks everybody for being there and proceeds to the Den of Deliberation. She and Chris talk briefly about David, Juan, Tanner F and Brad, just in case we’ve forgotten any of them. Chris helpfully mentions that two guys are going home tonight. Staring wistfully at the wall of photographs (frankly, I’ve seen more flattering ones on the wall at the post office), Jillian notes that her mood has changed. It seems that every one of these guys has professed incipient mad love for her.

Chris is downstairs: “Fellows, welcome to another rose ceremony. I just talked to Jillian. Obviously things have changed for her this week.” Jillian traipses in hanging on to her dress as if it’s trying to run away. She assures the guys that she’s still “the luckiest girl in the world” and just hates like heck having to send home two people she cares about so deeply.

The Pinning Ceremony: Jake, Reid, Mark, Jesse, TannerP, Wes, Juan (camera cuts to David, who’s shaking his head in disbelief), Michael, Kiptyn, Mike, and the final rose to (drum roll) David! Deflowered: Brad and TannerF. On the way out TannerF slams Wes and Brad melodramatically moans “My character in the movie is a drifter and I plan on being a drifter…” No doubt tumblin’ with the tumblin’ tumble weeds.

Next week: “O Canada”

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I'msotired · 06-03-2009, 06:00 AM

BAH HA HA HA! Geez, how do I love this? Let me count the ways:

Quote:

Unfortunately, there were only nine costumes for eleven guys, so the wardrobe department had to hurriedly make a poncho for Brad out of an old horse blanket and a vest and some chaps for TannerP from a bedspread used in the filming of “Last Little Whorehouse in Texas.”

Quote:

(May I add a little personal testimony here? After seeing on the show how much fun totally indiscriminate uninhibited kissing appears to be, I decided to try it myself. So far today I’ve laid passionate smooches on the garbage men (2), the postman, the teller at the bank, the dry cleaner, and the server at the Dairy Queen. Let me tell you: it is all it is cracked up to be, and I want to encourage each of you to try it during the coming week and report back here.)

Quote:

The Song:

Quote:

Liar liar pants on fire. You kissed him at the Wrap Party, and we know this how? Because ABC showed it to us in previews! Maybe it just got lost in the other two dozen kisses you handed out that day.

Quote:

Remember Dave getting out of the limo night one and not having a thing to say? Well, he hadn’t yet met Juan.

As the sleuthers say, "You NAILED it!" Thanks for the belly laughs!

cbbco · 06-03-2009, 02:31 PM

That was hilarious. Thanks so much!

SaffronSunrise · 06-03-2009, 05:05 PM

Love it Brit!!! I, too, was wondering about Reid's bedazzled shirt. What's up with that?? I love reading your recaps, they're more interesting than the show.

Jano · 06-03-2009, 06:33 PM

Great recap - enjoyed!!! Reid's bedazzled/spotted shirt also caught my attention. What's up with these guy's. Reid's "unique" shirt? Ed's chartreuse suitcase? Gotta love it!

MissMilano · 06-03-2009, 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jano

Great recap - enjoyed!!! Reid's bedazzled/spotted shirt also caught my attention. What's up with these guy's. Reid's "unique" shirt? Ed's chartreuse suitcase? Gotta love it!

Well, Reid was stuck in the bunkhouse for awhile with nothing to do - maybe someone on the crew had a Bedazzler and he was bored

heartsaflutter · 06-03-2009, 06:52 PM

Too Funny. Wonderful recap. Loved it.

moflan · 06-03-2009, 09:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

Jillian tells us that she’s really attracted to Ed , that what she wants is “just him and I to be alone” and that “me and Ed are in a fresh start relationship.” Preferably one involving a grammar coach.

Plenty of citation-worthy situations for the Grammar Police.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

TannerP complains that “everybody else has a distinguished part and I’m in a Flintstones suit.” Tanner honey, you suck toes on national television: dignity is not in the realm of the possible for you.

This one really had me laughing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

While the big Hollywood movie premier continues, another date card is delivered to the bunk house. It’s for Sasha: “Can You Handle My Curves.” I’ve heard it sometimes takes days just to get the wording on these date cards nailed down. Frankly, I sort of miss the old days, when a date box came replete with funny hats, sun-tan lotion and Mardi-gras beads.

Times are tough and they had to reduce their operating budget by 10%.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

Wearing the sort of embroidered shirt made popular in Florida retirement communities, Sasha is ready for the date.

Reminds me of a Marshall's commercial currently running where the trendy European designer orders embroidered shirts. Since he wrote those fancy "1s" like "7s", too many shirts were ordered. Guess Sasha hit Marshall's at just the right time to take advantage of the overabundance of inventory.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

Jillian teeters around in pair of yellow 8-inch heels and a skirt so short she’ll have to spend the night standing up.

Would you describe them as mustard-yellow? She wanted to audition for a B-cup Daisy Duke part in that get-up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

This whole unicorn thing is beginning to bug me, big time. It’s a scientific fact that unicorns are invisible except to virgins and well, let’s just say when a virgin shows up on this show it’s mentioned about every fifteen minutes. And not in a good way. I’m just saying: if I were these two I wouldn’t spend a lot time out there in the forest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

Viewer Warning: while Jillian and Sasha are hashing things out in the garage, back at the bunkhouse Wes has fired up the guitar because he’s determined to finish That Song. Brad opines that he’s getting a little tired of the guitar.

I think Brad speaks for many of us. You left out the shots of the men yawning, rolling their eyes, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

Of course, Jillian feels just awful about having to send Sasha home because she hates hurting people, but not so bad she doesn’t frog-march him out into the street where the bus from Extreme Makeover Home Edition is waiting to haul him off.

At least Ty Pennington wasn't there to yell into his megaphone, "Okay, Bachelorette, MOVE THIS BUS!"

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

Juan begins his smarmy spiel about how pretty she is tonight and how he’s loved all her outfits. You can just see the thought-balloon above his head planning on getting identical ones made for his Barbie collection.

I think a few of his Barbie outfits ended up in imsotired's Fun With the Bachelorette book.

sdl · 06-04-2009, 09:10 PM

The other bloggers should be compelled to read BritLit's recaps.
Brilliant.

dagwood · 06-04-2009, 10:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritLit

He picks the Ferrari and off they go at breakneck speed, cameraman clinging to hood for dear life.

at the visual.

Excellent recap, BritLit.

06-03-2009, 12:08 AM	#1
BritLit Frankly, my dear Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Not on the Fence Posts: 941	Bachelorette 5--6/1 Recap: Jump, Shoot and Drive It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Helpful Host Chris Harrison appears in the bunkhouse to announce the dates for the week, one group date and two individual dates with threats of rose deprivation. Honestly, this guy is so letter perfect, you’d almost think he’d given this speech before. Tossing off his exit line, “Who will be Jillian’s leading man?” he pulls out the first date card. Hulky Bulky Sat on a Wall The date is for Ed: the card reads “Love Can Be Dangerous.” Speculating that they’re probably going to build some software (he’s a computerguy if you didn’t know), Ed throws his worldly goods into a chartreuse suitcase and is sent off to a chorus of “live dangerously” from the guys. Jillian tells us that she’s really attracted to Ed , that what she wants is “just him and I to be alone” and that “me and Ed are in a fresh start relationship.” Preferably one involving a grammar coach. She describes Ed as “hulky, bulky.” Really? If you say so. And off they soar in a big yellow flying machine (suspect Bachelor/Bachelorette production company to have affiliation with yellow paint manufacturer). Ed confesses he’s never been in a helicopter (well how sad is that),and he just can’t decide whether he preferred looking at the scenery or Jillian more. Jillian reminisces about her last helicopter ride with Spineless Wonder in New Zealand and is appreciative of PDA shown by current companion. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the guys discuss whether or not Ed will get the evening’s rose. They conclude that he’s not adventurous (serious requirement to become Chosen One) but that if he gets to move into the house he could become a threat. The heliotrope helicopter sets down upon the roof of a downtown LA skyscraper. Jillian avows that she loooves adrenaline and that the two of them are going to leap from the precipice. Her exact words, in fact are: “I think that in order to find love you have to take a leap of faith.” Eying the giant wires attached to roof edge and realizing that is his only means of exit, Ed turns the color of his suitcase and allows as how he’s “more spontaneous than adventurous.” As far as this urban adventure goes, he says, “I never heard of it. I don’t even know if it’s legal.” Nice try Ed, but you’re still goin’ down. The pair allow themselves to be trussed up like chickens and attached to the big green clotheslines. As they climb over the ledge, Ed shouts to Jillian that she’d better give him a rose. Honey, you should have demanded one before they pushed you over the edge. Some four and half hours later, going at one-fifth snail speed, they land, fortuitously right on the edge of a Swimming Pool. Jillian tells us that “Ed and I were in the middle of nowhere”—boy is the LA mayor going to be hacked off about that; Ed expresses his opinion that this will probably be his last building-leap. Donning conveniently available swim attire, they enter the pool and engage in fascinating talk about talking. Big smooch ensues. Jillian sits on side of pool and locks her legs around Ed’s back (having acquired this skill on previous season of The Bachelor she is anxious to practice). More smooching. Jillian confesses to us that she has a ‘major crush’ on Ed. Some hours later. Exterior. Night. Another rooftop—the Bonaventure Hotel. Appearing in a black dress with one missing sleeve, Jillian announces she has a “romantic dinner planned for just me and Ed and that she’s glad she “popped his helicopter cherry.” That girl is a major wordsmith. The dinner conversation revolves around balancing work and personal life. She offers that she “has so much love to give.” He wants to be stable and secure when he has a family. More smooching transpires. We discover their mutual admiration for one another’s eyes and learn that Ed didn’t expect to like her as much as he does. We also find that she has apparently worked some sort of miracle in getting him to ‘open up’ to her. Tired of the verbal sparring, Ed comes right out and asks if he’s getting the damn rose. She goes to get it, pins it on, and says she had an “awesome” time today, that she was immediately attracted to him, but now she knows “it’s real.” Smooch assumed, not shown. Ed enthuses, “I felt on top of the world after she gave me the rose.” Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the guys get a little frenetic when the porters/production assistants arrive to claim the chartreuse suitcase. To their chagrin, it gets moved into the mansion, not sent to the airport. Brad is unimpressed: “I don’t know if Jillian has the heart to break up with anyone.” “I Can’t Help This Stupid Look”—John Wayne The next day. Exterior/Interior. A large black limousine arrives in the mansion driveway. The previous evening the second date card arrived at the bunkhouse. This one says, “Show me the Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” The invited include Reid, Wes, the two Michaels, the two Tanners, Mark, Brad, Robby, Kiptyn and Juan. The crew piles into the limo and soon arrives at what looks like an Old West movie set. Why, lo and behold, it IS an old west movie set and everyone is going to get to put on cowboy outfits and pretend to act in a pretend movie. Unfortunately, there were only nine costumes for eleven guys, so the wardrobe department had to hurriedly make a poncho for Brad out of an old horse blanket and a vest and some chaps for TannerP from a bedspread used in the filming of “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.” TannerP complains that “everybody else has a distinguished part and I’m in a Flintstones suit.” Tanner honey, you suck toes on national television: dignity is not in the realm of the possible for you. Our first vignette is Mark and Jillian seated at a table in the saloon. (Note to self: Google why saloons always have those useless swinging half-doors.) Brad enters, and despite being weighed down by horse-blanket poncho starts to slug it out with Mark. This is obviously meant to be a comic scene because no one in their right mind would believe Brad would win a fight with a gnat. Brad strides from the saloon and Jillian follows him outside to “thank” him with a kiss. Brad is euphoric, “I definitely gave Jillian one of the best kisses of her life. I’m a super badass.” Observing, Tanner’s opinion isn’t so favorable: “That was the worst kiss I’ve seen since l988.” Presumably one he saw while watching “A Fish Called Wanda.” The purty little lady goes into a jail cell where first Reid, then Brad are waiting to “get bussed”. She obliges. A street scene follows and Kip lays one on her, prompting her to warn the others: “no tongue you guys.” Next we have bowler hatted, hobo-bag carrying Robby, who tells us that “When I go in for a kiss, it’s going to be me kissing her.” And he did keep it going for a while, picking her up and doing “the twirl” (a move patented by producers of show). Modestly, Robby says that “on a scale of 1 to 10, our kiss is a 50” and Jillian claims that the only time she wasn’t “acting” when she was kissing one of the guys was with Robby. (May I add a little personal testimony here? After seeing on the show how much fun totally indiscriminate uninhibited kissing appears to be, I decided to try it myself. So far today I’ve laid passionate smooches on the garbage men (2), the postman, the teller at the bank, the dry cleaner, and the server at the Dairy Queen. Let me tell you: it is all it is cracked up to be, and I want to encourage each of you to try it during the coming week and report back here.) It is now time in our program for a regularly scheduled interruption by The Yodeler (aka Wes). He drags Jillian off the set to reveal that he didn’t want to watch her kissing other guys and that it’s about time those dudes “start getting weeded out fast.” I’m on the edge of my seat: Is that bloody guitar about to appear? Whew, not this time. Jillian consoles him by telling him he did get the first kiss (apparently she’s required to both kiss and discuss). To the audience she reveals she’s glad he’s a little jealous of the other guys and that “Wes already thinks I belong to him.” Alas, there is but one performance remaining, as Mike and Michael are assigned to reenact a love scene from “Brokeback Mountain.” Michael is quick to announce, “Can I just say right out I like women.” An extremely awkward scene is played, but I’m giving kudos to both for sportsmanship and to Michael for a great sense of humor: “that did get kind of emotional; I’m not gonna lie.” Several hours later, downtown LA, another rooftop. The Wrap Party. We see a tray with drinks and another one with two roses (am I wrong here? don’t have the fortitude to watch the thing again to be sure). Reid, wearing a tee shirt that’s either spotted or bedazzled, makes his move and takes Jillian outside to the great huge and enormous parachute chair of passion. In response to her required inquiry about his previous relationships, he admits he’s only been in love one and a half times in his life. (Since Jillian has been claiming to the media that she only “really” kissed three and a half times on the whole show this would seem to be a perfect match). He’s just moving in for the kiss when who should arrive, fresh drink in hand (probably ginger ale) but Juan. Reid is not pleased, feeling he’s always “getting the short end of the stick.” Outside in the hot tub the guys reach agreement that Juan is a blight upon the Bachelorette experience. Cut to: Robby and Jillian in the parachute chair. He fishes for a compliment on their earlier kiss; she agrees his was the best. Another smooch, this time with all the guys watching. Jillian and Robby get back in the hot tub with the others. At this time, please feel free to leave the room because we’re about to be subjected yet again to Tanner slobbering all over Jillian’s feet, pressing them to his cheek and proclaiming that they “looked so good he wanted to put them in his mouth.” (Intrigued by this disgusting habit of TannerP’s, I’ve consulted with several foot-fetish experts and they all assure me that no Real self-respecting foot fetisher would be after Jillian’s feet—her second toe is longer than her big toe. Make of that what you will.) Robby gets the rose; he kisses her; he and the rest of the guys are forced to view a screening of the day’s movie-making. Jillian swoons to camera, “I felt like a leading lady today, now I want to find my leading man.” Eloquent dialog, that. While the big Hollywood movie premier continues, another date card is delivered to the bunk house. It’s for Sasha: “Can You Handle My Curves.” I’ve heard it sometimes takes days just to get the wording on these date cards nailed down. Frankly, I sort of miss the old days, when a date box came replete with funny hats, sun-tan lotion and Mardi-gras beads. Ferraris and Fairy Tales Wearing the sort of embroidered shirt made popular in Florida retirement communities, Sasha is ready for the date. He is proud to tell us that he’s one of the “more rounded individuals in the house and that he’s always looking for that mythical unicorn.” Sasha and Jillian meet in the driveway as the other guys jealously gather round. Yodeler acts like he’s the one going on the date, grabs her in a hug and natters on about her song. Jillian teeters around in pair of yellow 8-inch heels and a skirt so short she’ll have to spend the night standing up. She announces she’s taking Sasha to the Peterson Automotive Museum because she loves cars, indeed, she loves “anything with a motor.” Now if you immediately thought of something other than lawn-mower, shame on you. Sasha is appropriately excited. On arrival, for some inexplicable reason, they proceed to lounge all over classic vehicles and take pictures of each other. Sasha says it’s the “sexiest photo shoot I’ve ever taken in my life.” Museum officials going ballistic next day upon discovery of badly scratched paint jobs not discussed. Now it’s about to become every guy’s dream date. Jillian gives Sasha a choice of hot-rodding around LA in either a Ferrari convertible or some jalopy. He picks the Ferrari and off they go at breakneck speed, cameraman clinging to hood for dear life. Conversation is difficult in the vehicle because Jillian is screaming like a thirteen-year-old on a double-loop roller coaster. Back at the museum, it’s time for the intimate dinner and obligatory soul-baring conversation. Jillian inquires about Sasha’s first car, which provides the opportunity for him to tell her that it was a big truck that went out of control and rolled over on him crushing his pelvis, leg and lung. This near-death experience naturally changed his life and well, you can imagine the rest. Jillian is astounded by this revelation: “I couldn’t pick my jaw up off the ground.” (Presumably production assistant nearby to retrieve.) Now how fortunate is it that she’s always wanted someone who’s been through a storm? The conversation now turns to the “relationship test”. Jillian learns to her dismay that Sasha has only told three women that he loved them, and that two of those were in high school. This is a serious problem, because as we know Jillian is only interested in guys who have suffered serious heartbreak. He bring up the darn unicorn again. Jillian tells the camera that of course she’s looking for true love but not just love for the sake of loving and that it’s very much a case of “going out to look for the unicorn.” This whole unicorn thing is beginning to bug me, big time. It’s a scientific fact that unicorns are invisible except to virgins and well, let’s just say when a virgin shows up on this show it’s mentioned about every fifteen minutes. And not in a good way. I’m just saying: if I were these two I wouldn’t spend a lot time out there in the forest. Viewer Warning: while Jillian and Sasha are hashing things out in the garage, back at the bunkhouse Wes has fired up the guitar because he’s determined to finish That Song. Brad opines that he’s getting a little tired of the guitar. Enough of the chit-chat: Sasha has read the handwriting on the wall and tells Jillian he felt her start to “pull back” when she found out about his lack of experience in love and heartbreak. Rather unkindly, she gets up and gets the rose and returns to the sofa tantalizingly twirling it in her grubby little paws. Sasha is informed that while she “wishes she could be the unicorn he’s looking for” she can’t give him the rose because she’s worried he’ll expect her to be perfect. Of course, Jillian feels just awful about having to send Sasha home because she hates hurting people, but not so bad she doesn’t frog-march him out into the street where the bus from Extreme Makeover Home Edition is waiting to haul him off. She fakes tears: “Sasha is a great person.” Sasha, on the bus, a little shell-shocked, observes, “start off in a limo, get the Ferrari, wind up in a bus, it’s a great way to be humbled.” Jillian has been ensconced safely in her mansion when the ubiquitous Yodeler shows up in the front yard, guitar and allegedly complete song in hand. Juliet, I mean Jillian comes out onto her balcony. Serenade begins, (everybody join in, you all know it by now), “They say, they say that love it don’t come easy.” This is so wonderful that Jillian invites the Yodeler up to her lair to finish his serenade. Kissing. Yuk. She says he made her cry. Well, you’d cry too if you had to listen to that horrible howling over and over. Re song completion: I have been advised against doing this, but I think I can trust each of you to be discreet, so I am going to share a secret with you. Two of the intrepid interns here at FORT chanced to be in Malibu one morning and drove by the mansion. As it happened, it was trash day and overflowing garbage cans were sitting on the curb. A torn piece of paper with some scribbling on it blew their way. We believe that it may contain fragments of The Song: They say, they say I’m here for the wrong reason, But they begged me to be here this season. They say, they say the radio’ll play my CD’s, That in country music I’ll be the big cheese. They say, they say if she takes me to Hawaii, I can forget about that shack in Chihuahua. Regrettably, the lower part of the page was torn off, but the lyrical quality of the text makes us believe it to be a genuine early draft of The Song. Eat, Drink and Be Bellicose It’s that time again—cocktail party! Already berosed Ed and Robby are chatting about their advantageous situation. Enter the Bachelorette. She makes a little speech about how she’s making a connection with everyone. To us, she confides that letting Sasha go was so hard on her, so much harder than she expected. The first claimant to one on one time with Jillian is Reid, who says every time he sees her he feels like he should kiss her. He’s a bit chaffed that he didn’t get a rose the night before and asks her why. She give him the old “if I’d had two roses I would have given you one” line. But no matter, he gets the big smooch now. Jillian informs us she had her first kiss with Reid tonight, that it was soft, slow and perfect. Liar liar pants on fire. You kissed him at the Wrap Party, and we know this how? Because ABC showed it to us in previews! Maybe it just got lost in the other two dozen kisses you handed out that day. Jillian goes inside to find sweet sweet Dave and invites him outside for a little chat. She asks how he’s doing and he confesses he’s jealous of the other guys, that he’s used to being “top dog.” He’s just about to blow the whistle and starts to tell her that there are guys in the house that aren’t a good fit for her when they are interrupted by Arch Enemy Juan. Ohh, not a good move Juan. You have just lit the Dave fuse. Juan begins his smarmy spiel about how pretty she is tonight and how he’s loved all her outfits. You can just see the thought-balloon above his head planning on getting identical ones made for his Barbie collection. Apropros of nothing, he tries to woo her in Spanish, “I think you’re marvelous.” Imagine marvelous with eleven syllables. Inexplicably, Jillian seems to like the guy, calling him a real gentleman. Inside, David proposes a toast to macho-men and friendship. Jake tells David that Juan’s behavior is “flat-out disrespectful”. We now interrupt with the evening’s foot fest. TannerP announces he’s “here to suck on some toes and for Jillian”. In that order. He and Jillian go outside to sit on bench. In a very unwise move, she puts her bare feet onto his lap, sending him into paroxysms of joy. He “wants to totally suck on toes”. Enough of this guy already. Time for the Kip and Jillian make-out session. Of course we first have to hear the whole “you haven’t had your heart broken” accusation from Jillian but he masterfully lets her know that’s no impediment to his falling in love. They kiss, big time, as his hand moves stealthily from her ankle upward. While Jillian is being wooed by various and sundry, in what appears to be an excessively inebriated state, has been on an anti-Juan tirade. Robby observes that “David looks like he’s going to kill someone.” Even mild-mannered Brad takes David aside to express his concern. At one point David has demanded of the group, “Is Juan the right person for Jillian?” and berated them for not speaking out. Having earlier been sent back inside by David, who told him “Juan go back inside, we’re talking about you”, Juan ventures out again. He wants them to know he doesn’t have a beef with anyone and that “everybody doesn’t have to like everybody.” David accuses Juan of fake-drinking and fake choking at the Meet and Greet. In fact, says David, Juan is totally fake and belligerently orders Juan, “You’re 35 years old, stop being a cheese-ass.” Only Robby and Juan are left: Robby tells Juan that he “agrees with a hundred percent of what David said”, thumps him on the shoulder and promises to talk later. Focus on Dave again. He really wants to kill Juan and he uses a lot of bleeped-out swear words to express his feelings. Remember Dave getting out of the limo night one and not having a thing to say? Well, he hadn’t yet met Juan. Just in the nick of time Helpful Host appears and comments on the interesting party going on. Jillian thanks everybody for being there and proceeds to the Den of Deliberation. She and Chris talk briefly about David, Juan, Tanner F and Brad, just in case we’ve forgotten any of them. Chris helpfully mentions that two guys are going home tonight. Staring wistfully at the wall of photographs (frankly, I’ve seen more flattering ones on the wall at the post office), Jillian notes that her mood has changed. It seems that every one of these guys has professed incipient mad love for her. Chris is downstairs: “Fellows, welcome to another rose ceremony. I just talked to Jillian. Obviously things have changed for her this week.” Jillian traipses in hanging on to her dress as if it’s trying to run away. She assures the guys that she’s still “the luckiest girl in the world” and just hates like heck having to send home two people she cares about so deeply. The Pinning Ceremony: Jake, Reid, Mark, Jesse, TannerP, Wes, Juan (camera cuts to David, who’s shaking his head in disbelief), Michael, Kiptyn, Mike, and the final rose to (drum roll) David! Deflowered: Brad and TannerF. On the way out TannerF slams Wes and Brad melodramatically moans “My character in the movie is a drifter and I plan on being a drifter…” No doubt tumblin’ with the tumblin’ tumble weeds. Next week: “O Canada” __________________ Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment. --Dorothy Parker Last edited by BritLit; 06-03-2009 at 09:18 AM.

06-03-2009, 02:31 PM	#3
cbbco FORT Newbie Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 1	Re: Bachelorette 5--6/1 Recap: Jump, Shoot and Drive That was hilarious. Thanks so much!

06-03-2009, 05:05 PM	#4
SaffronSunrise FORT Fogey Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: NC Posts: 1,689	Re: Bachelorette 5--6/1 Recap: Jump, Shoot and Drive Love it Brit!!! I, too, was wondering about Reid's bedazzled shirt. What's up with that?? I love reading your recaps, they're more interesting than the show. __________________ “When life kicks you, let it kick you forward.” Kay Yow

06-03-2009, 06:33 PM	#5
Jano FORT Fanatic Join Date: May 2009 Posts: 402	Re: Bachelorette 5--6/1 Recap: Jump, Shoot and Drive Great recap - enjoyed!!! Reid's bedazzled/spotted shirt also caught my attention. What's up with these guy's. Reid's "unique" shirt? Ed's chartreuse suitcase? Gotta love it!

06-03-2009, 06:52 PM	#7
heartsaflutter FORT Newbie Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 22	Re: Bachelorette 5--6/1 Recap: Jump, Shoot and Drive Too Funny. Wonderful recap. Loved it.

06-04-2009, 09:10 PM	#9
sdl FORT Fogey Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: houston Age: 50 Posts: 1,134	Re: Bachelorette 5--6/1 Recap: Jump, Shoot and Drive The other bloggers should be compelled to read BritLit's recaps. Brilliant.