The Bachelorette Confessionals - Week 5: Sweet Tales from the Underbelly

[MsFroggy]

After being cruelly abandoned left to our own devices by our former contributor, Mike Spelling, we inherited a whole stable of dependable gossipmongers eager collaborators. Some were anxious to spill the beans, while others required extra cash some persuasion. We are delighted to report that, as usual, a good amount of cash our negotiating skills, while rusty, have yielded great results again. Our unwavering dedication to the naked truth is our guiding principle, but the thrill of finding out something that cannot be known any other way is what really drives us. You, our hordes of adoring fans who worship us unconditionally, make all of this bribery business hard work really worth our while.

Stacie Field - Wardrobe Girl

The hometown date travel schedule was exhausting. Not only did I have to fly coach with this motely crew of production people but with DeAnna as well. Since she believes she is so famous (a friend of Ellen, she'll have you know) I had to come up with crazier and crazier disguises so "her public" wouldn't recognize her. My favorite disguise was on the cross-country flight to Raleigh; I dressed her as a blonde massively pregnant woman. No drinks for you, sister! One of my disguise ideas actually made it on screen. That crossing guard rain jacket in Seattle? Costume! I did get reigned in a bit after someone realized that dressing her in a beige-colored snow suit wasn't exactly safe in the event she got caught in a snow drift. And here's the real scoop on why she didn't pick Graham: once she learned his last name was Bunn, there was no way in hell she was going to walk around life being known as Mrs. Bunn--not with a keister like that! Two more date cycles until this wraps up. I have to start working on various bathing suits for the hot tub scenes and on my plan to con Jesse into organizing my wardrobe room.

Twyla Saks - Makeup Girl

After getting caught at the gate last week with Graham in the backseat of my car and getting chewed out by Fleiss himself for trying to rescue his star victim, I was contemplating going back to the nunhood. But, damn, those habits make me look like a sack of potatoes. Poor guy was ready to jump the fence but they threatened him with all sorts of things till he agreed to stay and be "dumped" on camera by Miss Whiner. I felt so sorry for him! So there I was, back in the daily grind. Stacie and I got wasted on one of the plane trips back in coach while we were laughing at Miss MeMeMe who was wearing some assinine disguise to shield her from her millions of "fans". Then we get to Seattle and she starts moaning and bitching about the chilly, foggy air and how it makes her skin look all washed out. We kept telling her this was normal for the Northwest, but she said she expected it to be LA-warm since we were on the West coast. Yeah, she's a real braintrust. I had to slather on twice as much moisturizer just to appease the beast. Not L'Occitane! I bought her the cheapest WalMart knockoff crap made of corn oil that I could find, hehehe. And the bumpkin never noticed! Then at the Space Needle, just when I was flirting with a cute local and telling him all about my pious, haha, nun days, Miss I'mAsDumbAsTheyCome starts shrieking loudly that she's not getting on the elevator to the top of the "tower thingy" and messing up her makeup sweating on the way up. So I had to ride along and douse her in finishing powder when we got to the top. I'm buying that stuff wholesale by the pound now. I could tell you about our adventures in snowy Colorado but I'm too busy filling out my application for sainthood right at this minute. And I think I need a drink too.

Trudy Cox - Cocktail waitress and aspiring actress

Another week with no cocktail party and no tips. DeAnna called me up to bring up my best bottle of Scotch after the rose ceremony though. Seems Hottie McAbs wised up and dumped the little Georgia Peach. She didn’t offer him a rose but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have accepted it. In her drunken ramblings, she went on about being rejected first by Brad and now by her one true love. Graham is much better off without her, in my opinion. And all of this is really lucky for me because on my way out for DeAnna’s second bottle of Scotch, …um yeah, Girlfriend was drowning her sorrows…I ran into one of Mr. Fleiss’ producer friends. After a relaxing back rub and a glass of DeAnna’s booze, he was promising me a role in his next movie. I knew it! I knew this gig would pay off. Now I just need to give my notice to Mr. Fleiss and maybe pocket the remaining bachelors’ phone numbers just in case they need consoling soon. That bachelorette is quite the heartbreaker.

Jarvis Jenkins - Chauffeur

This week I had to drive Little Missy in North Carolina. I’d much rather drive the fellas than her. She is one demanding woman. Nothing is ever good enough for her. If I have coffee for her, she wants tea. If I have red wine, I should have had white. It’s too warm. It’s too cold. I’m driving too fast. I’m driving too slow. Bah! When she left the Bunn residence, all she did was whine about how he didn’t pay enough attention to her. Well, I’m not surprised. She probably wore him out with all of her demands, all the “me, me, me, me.” Once in a while, a fella needs it to be about him.

Geoff Jefferson- Lead Hair Stylist

This was a crazy past couple of days, not only did I have to help style the men and DeAnna, but I was also called in to get rid of the outdated cuts on many of the parents. The wig you saw Jesse’s dad wearing, well it was made of his own hair that I had cut just before he appeared on camera. Fleiss would not let that man show up on camera looking like a hillbilly. Sadly, he let a man on camera for multiple episodes with a mullet. That’s a whole different story. After all my hard work on everyone, the weirdest thing happened. I wrote this letter to Graham, basically pouring out my heart to him and left it in his suit jacket. Imagine my surprise when he handed it over to Little Miss Selfish. The letter was meant only for Graham’s eyes, not her. She was so confused thinking it was meant for her from Graham. I can’t believe that Graham played me like that on TV. I even shaved his beard for his final scene on the show. The least that man could have done was read that letter and kept it to himself. If he ever wants his abs oiled up again he better find someone else…oh, who am I kidding? I would do anything to rub that man’s abs again.

Josie Sterling-Cook

I'm growing to despise that Mr. Fleiss as much as I dislike Ms. Greek Lips. Here I thought I was going to get a week to lounge about the pool at the mansion by myself and sip on gulp down some vodka tonics. But no. Jason's family wanted to serve greek food and the Fleisster didn't want to disappoint. So, I ended up squeezing my substantial ass into a coach seat (couldn't I at least have gotten an aisle seat?) and flying to the end of the earth. Or Seattle. Six of one. Half dozen of another. Or is that a baker's dozen? Then I whipped up some awesome treats only because Ty and the rest of Jason's family are so darn cute. If it had just been Ms. Me Me Me, I would have "accidentally" burned everything. I'm just glad the Fleissmaster didn't make me cook for Graham and his family. When I saw their date on tape, I winced. Not just once. Ouch.

Dirk Mangood - Camera Operator, Secret Agent

Oh, it was perfect. I saw one of those little Sigfried and Roy hairdressers slip a note to Graham and Graham act all embarrassed about it. When I was chatting him up later waiting for the bench to be placed on set, err, in the woods, I mentioned that I had seen it. Graham acted all embarrassed about it and mentioned something about being a 'real' man. I suggested he give it to Deanna, that maybe flighty boy might have a bit more flair with the pen than Graham did. Graham was all set to give it to Deanna before the Rose Ceremony - hehehe - but I told him no, he's sure to get a rose, it would be much better to give it to her afterwards. Ball boy took the bait! It was brilliant! Only three more of the little men to go and I will have my Deanna all to myself.


Trey Pendleton - Bitter, thank you very much

I can't believe they didn't let me do any of the hometown dates. Sure, I had to schlepp myself all over the US on Fleiss' private plane, but only as a back up hairdresser. Geoff did them all, and badly, I tell you. Fleiss knew it as well. He called and personally told me that I would be doing the final Rose Ceremony hair. I told him I would think about it and let him know. Then I drank all the Crystal he had on the plane. Ok, I smuggled most of it out in my bag, but I will be drinking it when I win my Emmy for my work in hair on this show.


Joe Gardner - Fleiss' Personal Assistant

If ABC wasn't owned by Disney and if I hadn't signed a personal behavioral liability contract three inches thick, I would be swearing right now. Fleiss made me fly coach to all the hometown dates. And, I sat next to Josie. Now, she is a wonderful cook, but she does tend to taste a little to much as she does it and tends to, ah, spill over when sitting in an airline seat. I did sit by her on purpose because I knew she would have goodies in her purse that would be better than the stupid airplane peanuts. I am so waiting for this gig to be over. As soon as my contract is up, I am so going to Simon Cowell and letting him know I am willing to make a deal.


Helga Van Buren – The Hair Containment Specialist

Oh, I am thanking the heavens that I did not have to do crowd control in the dark regions of Deanna this week! Not a bikini in sight I was greatful for the reprieve. Of course I still had to tame those eyebrows of hers. Thank goodness I bought extra tweezers at Walmart last week. I am not going to lose another good pair of tools to that girl again. I was good this week and did not stroke Graham to much as I was tweezing his ear hair. I saw that he had a card he had written to me, but was too shy to give it to me. Then I heard that witch grabbed it out of his pocket after she rejected him! The nerve. I think when we go to the Bahamas next week I will 'forget' my hot wax. Let's see how confident Miss Thing feels when she has to wear bloomers to the beach.

Disclaimer: While we almost trust Mike Spelling, we are quite pragmatic and think that it's possible we've been thoroughly had. We take no responsibility for the contents of any of his letters or the information he provided.

Thanks to our fabulous FORT mods and writers: AshleyPSU, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl and Yardgnome.

[Google]

 

[shoepie]

Oh my god, this is hysterical!

[Arielflies]

This new crew of sell outs is much better than maids or pool boys because they can TRAVEL! Sure it's in coach seating...but they really are there - up close and personal. And we thank them for being so personal. I thank as well the Fort writers for dreaming up creating listening to these characters and taking dictation.

[WeezerTheGeezer]

I so look forward to the Underbelly tales every week! Thank you!

[MoleWatcher]

I am newly signed up here tho' I have been reading for several bach seasons.

Just had to say that this is hysterical!! Pass the kleenex, I am crying from laughing so hard!!

[Popeyesgal]

That has got to be the funniest thing I have read. I loved it!!!

[DaisyKary]

That is too funny!!!

[freshgirly]

Week 6!!!

[clydevins]

That was ridiculous ... I mean hilarious ...

[IvoryMist]

Dear Diary:

Date: Whenever

Tonight Graham leaved...lefted...skeedaddled. I said to him at his folks house, you gonna marry me or what? He looked at me and didn't say anything. I said, you gonna get down on one knee? He looked at me and didn't say anything. I said, are you stupid? He laughed. I'm pretty sure that means he don't wanna marry me. So adios, amigo. My heart got broke. I tried to go home in the trunk of his limo, but the men with the cameras found me and sent me back to the big house on the hill. They say I have to go to the islands and pick my husband. I said I don't want to marry no native, and they said no, that's not what they mean. Then they showed me the pictures of them 3 other fellers what's been living on the hill with me and said one of them guys. I said oh.

So, tomorrow I go to the island on a airplane and pick my husband. I said okay, but can I just say now which one because I burn, and they said no I have to go. The one boy has a young 'un whose cute as a junebug in july, but I gave him a golf ball and he throwed it at a duck named Ted and like to knocked it to next Tuesday. No thanks, I like ducks, I said.

The other boy is real pretty but slow. I think he might get me confused with his ma, which is sad, but weird.

The other boy is loud and funny so I picked him to be my husband because he farted and we liked to laugh to death, especially when he buttercupped Chris Harrison. Boy howdy, did he get madder'n a hornet in a pickle jar.

Okay, diary, that's all for now. May the lord bless Graham on his way home and grant him the power to speak. Poor thing is a mute and that has to be a hardship. Once he opened his mouth and I thought he was gonna say something, but he just burped. We laughed.