The Bachelorette 5/19 recap: Who Needs Brad With This Menagerie?

[Goalwatcher]

Awesome job. A few things that made me giggle profusely:

Chris says DeAnna will have her hands full. First, though, he trots out DeAnna. She’s in a slinky gold gown cut down to her navel.

I kept watching Chris to see if his eyes wandered South during their initial conversation. His restraint was surprising. Heck, I'm a straight female and even I had to train myself to not look!

Paul is next...He’s short.

The short comment had me in stitches. Seriously!

Jon...looks about 19. Also, like it’s 1992.

Ian Ziering sans curls.

Ron...is dressed like he came from a wedding reception at which he shucked his coat so he could dance more exuberantly. He says he left it in the car. Little does he know the disadvantage he’ll be at later, when the other men are rushing to put their own coats on poor cold DeAnna.

That was so odd, right??? Too funny -- he does look like he just came from a reception after dancing the limbo!

Luke gets some interesting intro music. He’s the oyster boy. She asks him to tell him something funny, and he says “How about, you look great?” She looks confused. She’s not the only one.

This poor guy...

Greg...greets her by telling her she looks like she’s been working out. GRRRR. Why do people who are obsessed with working out think that’s any sort of real compliment? It implies “you didn’t look like that before.”

Seriously, right? He turned my stomach with that line. It is never a compliment. He might just as well have said, "Your ass looked much bigger when you were on the Bachelor."

Fred is a 30-year-old baby-faced lawyer in Chicago. Make that Chicaaaaaago, with his accent.

Nice enough guy, but I couldn't get Dan Akroyd as Ray Zalinski, the Auto Parts King out of my head while he was talking.

[Google]

 

[Arielflies]

Chris tells her they’re an “eclectic group” she’s going to meet. Oh, how true that is, as we shall see soon. He says the magic words, “let the journey begin,” waves his magic wand, and men begin popping out of limos.

Lucy You've just proved what I've suspected all along - Chris Harrison is a Wizard! You have stepped into Roses' shoes quite nicely, and for this Bach/ette veteran, you have shown a true snark's understanding (your muscle memory kicking in) of this show. Great First Job with a weird show!

[alizarules]

Originally Posted by Lucy

First up is gray-haired Brian from Texas. A 31-year-old high school football coach, he tells her it wasn’t until this moment that he knew why he was doing the show, but now it’s clear to him. Presumably from seeing her. A purple shirt/tie with a tan suit, really?

Eric, who is from Greece, comes in, and he does speak Greek to her, I think. Also, his tie is blinding. He’s 31, a “senior analyst” (what does he analyze?) who lives in Boston but is originally from Greece, and since DeAnna has some Greek in her, this will give them something to bond over.
Eric tells us he wants to marry Greek, and she could be the Greek goddess he’s waiting for. DeAnna asks if he’s close to his mother, and he says “oh my god” in the way that means “yes, so much so that you should be scared.” He says his parents are old-school and want a Greek wife for him, and that if they knew he was there they’d plan a wedding and grandchildren already. Yikes, down, boy!

From Jenny: if they had to wrestle a bear, would they win? One says he has a three-point attack. Another just says “oh my god I would die.” I wish I knew better which guy was which.

Humph, No Man Ever Kicked A Lemon Off a Dude’s Head for ME
Instead, he wanted to get to know her in person. He bumps fists with her, and then Sean comes in. He makes Jesse stand with a cup on his head and a lemon on it, and he’s going to kick it off. “Just don’t be nervous,” Sean says. “If you kick me in the head, man, when I wake up I’m going to kick you in the nuts five times,” Jesse answers.

They bicker back and forth for a bit, but Sean is a professional martial arts instructor. So despite some drinks, he kicks off the lemon perfectly. DeAnna’s a little stunned. She says it’s weird, but it got her attention. Outside Jesse tells the others he was so nervous “I almost pooed my pants, man.”

DeAnna is taken way, way aback. “Good lord, my name is on the back of this boy’s booty!” she says. The other men are a bit shocked as well. “It’s not what I would do, but it’s definitely ballsy,” says Jeremy. Yes, literally.

Paul is now just wearing a jacket and the speedo. Someone get him some pants, please? “You’re family’s going to be proud,” Jason tells him sarcastically.

Thanks.

You just put my favorite quotes of the night in one place.

I just start crying ever time I think about Jesse saying "If you kick me in the head, man, when I wake up I’m going to kick you in the nuts five times"

This may have been THE.FUNNIEST.EPISODE.EVER.

[soccermama]

Thanks for such a hilarious recap, Lucy! I am looking forward to the rest of your recaps for this season!

[shizuka]

Ahh this premiere looks great!

Do you know where i could watch it on the internet?

[jellybean]

Tysm for the great recap.