In honour of the childish behaviour we witnessed during the Jake-Vienna interview, this week we have...
THE BACHELORETTE: MOTHER GOOSE EDITION
I'M THE KING OF THE CASTLE
Ali invites Roberto on a date to be the king of her castle.
Frantic Frank immediately begins to plot about how he can dig a moat so deep that Roberto never makes it anywhere near Ali's buttress.
But Roberto finds the drawbridge (the one in Lisbon is apparently just like the one in San Francisco!) and he spends the date kissing aforementioned buttress.
ALI AND FRANK, SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G
During part of the Most Awkward 2 on 1 Date Ever, Frank and Ali make out in a tree, while speaking Bachelorese to each other.
Luckily, Chris Harrison comes along with an English/Bachelorese dictionary.
Translation: If Ali thinks she's afraid of what she feels for Frank now, she's going to be twice as shooken up when she sees what's to come. Supposably.
THE GINGERHAIRED MAN
On his date, Kirk tells Ali he hasn't brought a woman home to meet his parents in three years and generally breaks up with his girlfriends within a year.
That's 'cause he runs, he runs, as fast as he can. They can't catch him; he's the gingerhaired man.
ALI HAD A LITTLE LAMB-TON
Chris motors along slowly and steadily-- on the scooter and in his relationship with Ali. He gets the last date before the Rose Ceremony, which he sees as strategically valuable.
He has also kept his gift for Ali until the time is right. He offers her a silver custom-made bracelet, complete with an engraving of his dead mother's signature.
Never mind that his mother's getting to see more of the world on Ali's season than Tenley's ex-husband did on Jake's season. It's jewellery, after all, and it earns him a roll on the grass with Ali and the first rose in the Rose Ceremony.
IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, THE VIEWERS ARE SNORING
Ty is much less tickled about being turfed than he his about the good woman working 9 to 5.
Ali walks out in the rain with him. The rainbow stripes on her dress are, unfortunately, not colourfast and she returns to the mansion, a hodgepodge of hues.
The black roots in her blond hair join the colourful cacophony.
Unfortunately, this is the only colourful moment in an otherwise clichéd, corny and conventional episode.
All that remains is for Chris Harrison to pop in to pronounce Ali the Most Lackadaisical Bachelorette Ever.
DOE, A DEER, A FEMALE DEER
Next week, during the Hometown Dates, Ali visits Kirk's house, where his dad treats her to a tour of the heads of all Kirk's ex-girlfriends, stuffed and mounted on the wall.