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Thread: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

  1. #141
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    In honour of the childish behaviour we witnessed during the Jake-Vienna interview, this week we have...



    THE BACHELORETTE: MOTHER GOOSE EDITION




    I'M THE KING OF THE CASTLE


    Ali invites Roberto on a date to be the king of her castle.



    Frantic Frank immediately begins to plot about how he can dig a moat so deep that Roberto never makes it anywhere near Ali's buttress.



    But Roberto finds the drawbridge (the one in Lisbon is apparently just like the one in San Francisco!) and he spends the date kissing aforementioned buttress.




    ALI AND FRANK, SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G



    During part of the Most Awkward 2 on 1 Date Ever, Frank and Ali make out in a tree, while speaking Bachelorese to each other.



    Luckily, Chris Harrison comes along with an English/Bachelorese dictionary.



    Translation: If Ali thinks she's afraid of what she feels for Frank now, she's going to be twice as shooken up when she sees what's to come. Supposably.




    THE GINGERHAIRED MAN



    On his date, Kirk tells Ali he hasn't brought a woman home to meet his parents in three years and generally breaks up with his girlfriends within a year.



    That's 'cause he runs, he runs, as fast as he can. They can't catch him; he's the gingerhaired man.





    ALI HAD A LITTLE LAMB-TON

    Chris motors along slowly and steadily-- on the scooter and in his relationship with Ali. He gets the last date before the Rose Ceremony, which he sees as strategically valuable.



    He has also kept his gift for Ali until the time is right. He offers her a silver custom-made bracelet, complete with an engraving of his dead mother's signature.



    Never mind that his mother's getting to see more of the world on Ali's season than Tenley's ex-husband did on Jake's season. It's jewellery, after all, and it earns him a roll on the grass with Ali and the first rose in the Rose Ceremony.




    IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, THE VIEWERS ARE SNORING

    Ty is much less tickled about being turfed than he his about the good woman working 9 to 5.



    Ali walks out in the rain with him. The rainbow stripes on her dress are, unfortunately, not colourfast and she returns to the mansion, a hodgepodge of hues.

    The black roots in her blond hair join the colourful cacophony.



    Unfortunately, this is the only colourful moment in an otherwise clichéd, corny and conventional episode.



    All that remains is for Chris Harrison to pop in to pronounce Ali the Most Lackadaisical Bachelorette Ever.



    DOE, A DEER, A FEMALE DEER



    Next week, during the Hometown Dates, Ali visits Kirk's house, where his dad treats her to a tour of the heads of all Kirk's ex-girlfriends, stuffed and mounted on the wall.

  2. #142
    FORT Newbie Bean_counter's Avatar
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    I just spit coffee all over my keyboard and computer. You guys are hilarious!! Keep up the good work. I sure do miss SDL. I know he would have something to say about all of the neat musings of FORT.

  3. #143
    FORT Fogey
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    LOL, another winner, Marianna. I love the gingerhaired man! Keep it up!
    This isn’t the Sound of freaking Music we’re watching.......sdl

  4. #144
    ... Ryvetted's Avatar
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    Love it!!

  5. #145
    FORT Fogey
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    Quote Originally Posted by SaffronSunrise;3968086;


    Very nice!!!!

    Ooops. I think Jake was just saying something, didn't mean to interrupt.
    SS-- would you PLEASE quit undermining Jake!! You know he doesn't like that!

    (welcome Marianna!)

    ETA-- Marianna, I loved your THE BACHELORETTE: MOTHER GOOSE EDITION!! Really QUITE funny!
    Last edited by LibbyBell; 07-07-2010 at 07:25 PM.

  6. #146
    FORT Fogey Bonbonlover's Avatar
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    Marianna Positively wonderful!!

    Okay I love FORT's casino, but I really am not very good. If anyone wants to donate their FORT $$ I would gladly accept http://www.fansofrealitytv.com/forum....php?do=donate

  7. #147
    FORT sun
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    Oh Marianna this is so funny. Especially...."That's 'cause he runs, he runs, as fast as he can. They can't catch him; he's the gingerhaired man. "
    This makes these Bach seasons so much fun.

  8. #148
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    MARIANNA'S MUSINGS: ALI'S EPISODE 8

    Chris Harrison, with his "Most Dramatic Ever" line, can't hold a candle to these daring or dubious distinctions:



    MOST SEXY MOMENT EVER


    I know, I know. The Fantasy Suite overnight dates may blow this moment out of the water. For now, though, Roberto standing behind Ali while teaching her how to bat was muy caliente.

    He could have easily gotten to 3rd base right then and there if he'd wanted to.



    MOST SEXIST MOMENT EVER


    Roberto's dad has a lot of "concerns" because Ali will be so busy running her business that she may not "support" Roberto.

    Ali gives a good answer about a happy marriage needing two fulfilled people. Roberto Sr. looks largely unconvinced.



    MOST DOUBTFUL PARENT EVER


    Roberto Sr. thinks his son is a "big prize". Everyone takes a few moments to go worship the trophies at the shrine of Roberto Jr. Pater familias is clearly worried that his son may not be happy with Ali.

    Of course, in a Fleiss-induced moment of speedy clarity, he has an abrupt change of heart and gives his "blessings" as precipitously as Jake's family did with Vienna.

    You know, sometimes it's just better to go with your first impression, isn't it.



    MOST KLEENEX USED EVER


    Chris' father talks about meeting his wife, losing his wife and the importance of family.

    Tears run unashamedly down the cheeks of America.

    Fleiss cannot believe his luck at having found the holy trinity of love, loss and loyalty.



    MOST IRONIC SLOGAN EVER


    '''Love is the only reality' is the slogan we live by," says Chris' wise dad.

    Fleiss begs to differ. Details to follow later this summer on The Bachelor Pad.




    MOST TOUCHING PARALLELS EVER


    Chris quits his job to nurse his dying mother.

    Ali quits her job to nurse her dying grandmother.

    Frank quits his job to nurse his dying enthusiasm for the reality show process.




    MOST ANIMALS IN ANY SEASON EVER


    Not counting our taxidermy tour, we've had a Disneyfied mouse feeding off crumbs in the Bachelor house.

    We've had a hungry stray kitty feeding off table scraps in Portugal.

    And now, we have a wet and winsome black lab feeding off the attention of the camera crew in the front yard as she largely ignores her master's commands.

    Come on, now, Chris Harrison. How can you say "we don't care about the dog?"




    MOST UNCONVENTIONAL GREETING EVER


    "So Ali, would you like to see my basement?" says Kirk's father barely five minutes after meeting her.



    MOST HOSPITABLE DEAD SQUIRREL EVER

    A stuffed squirrel sits jauntily in the liviing room, offering a juicy strawberry to all those who cross the DeWindt family threshold.




    MOST SELF-EVIDENT LINE EVER

    "KIrk he hasn't brought very many gals home," says Kirk's dad, offering Ali a elk-foot popsicle from his freezer.

    Gee... I wonder why.




    MOST FOREBODING DINNER CONVERSATION EVER


    Kirk's dad to Kirk's previous girlfriend: "More venison?"

    Kirk's girlfriend: "Oh, no thanks, I'm stuffed."

    Kirk's dad: "Hmmm... that gives me an idea..."




    MOST BATTLING BRACELETS IN A SEASON EVER


    Kirk's mother-son LiveStrong bracelets vs. the Dennis bracelet it is decreed all Lambton women (present, past and future) must wear.




    MOST MISSING CHEESE EVER


    Uncharacteristically, Kirk's grandmother's cheesy potatoes were the cheesiest thing about this week's episode.

    Lactose-intolerant bach fans everywhere rejoiced.



    MOST MAN-CLEAVAGE EVER

    In a desperate effort to seduce Ali and have her eliminate the competition, Frank wears a revealing low-cut top.




    MOST LIKELY BACHELORETTE TO BE LIVING WITH IN-LAWS EVER

    Two of the remaining three bachelors declare that she'd fit right in with the family and immediately start shopping for a bigger bed for their childhood rooms.




    MOST PASSIVE MOMS EVER

    Ironically, it was Chris' dead mother who made her presence felt the most during the home town visits.

    Roberto's "passive" mother and Kirk's non-responsive step-mother shrunk in the shadows of their larger-than-life spouses.




    MOST REVEALING REALITY MOMENT EVER

    Ali realizes that her strong feelings for Jake last season were indeed a result of the 'Bachelor Love Bubble'.

    Consequently, she is pointedly non-committal when Chris Harrison asks her if one of the remaining men could be her husband.


    Good job, Ali, for not rabbiting on about how her husband is definitely there and how this process really works, yada, yada, yada. Eitther you're being refreshingly honest or you never became the bachelorette intending to find your husband.



    MOST ROSES EVER

    Not only does Ali have three roses to give out, she also has two dozen attached to her dress.

    That way, if none of the remaining men turns out to be husband material, she can always wear that dress to her next social event, plucking the roses off it to distribute to the potential partners among the passers-by.



    MOST SIGNATURE EXPRESSIONS EVER

    Ali seems to have three signature expressions: the heartbroken pout, the forehead-wrinkling worried look and the wide-eyed and plastered smile look of discomfort and pretense.

    She has recently been perfecting her pout at all Rose Ceremonies.


    MOST EQUIVOCAL THANK-YOU EVER

    Kirk to Ali: "Thanks, I guess. I gave all of myself to you and it's just not what you're looking for."

    Kirk to self: "Oh why oh why didn't I tell my dad we'd meet him at the nearest AppleBee's?"

  9. #149
    FORT Regular Juliet M's Avatar
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    Brilliant as usual M. Thank you for delicious humour in the middle of the night no less

  10. #150
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    Re: Fun with the Bachelorette - Ali

    LOL, Juliet; you can tell it's the middle of the night as I made two ghastly typo's (it should read "an elk-foot popsicle" and "either")!!

    I'm still getting used to FORT so I haven't been able to edit properly.

    Thanks for the kind compliment.

    Marianna

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