Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain, Jake Pavelka speaking. I'd like to welcome you aboard Flight 666 today.
Our flight time should be 1 hour and 45 minutes, which, coincidentally, is about how long most of my relationships have lasted.
Our cruising altitude will be exactly 39,000 feet. No need to take out a tape measure, ladies and gentlemen, I've got it all under control. Last night I came out here and measured it myself, so that I could give you the exact specifications.
Today, our flight is non-stop L.A. via Hollywood, home of the stars and the celebrities, such as myself. In fact, I bet some of you remember me from The Bachelorette, The Bachelor, DWTS and Drop Dead Vienna....er...Diva.
Current conditions in Hollywood are 75 degrees, light winds, and broken clouds. Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, that I can't fix those clouds any more than I can all my broken relationships.
Our inflight meal today is skewered crow, followed by a savary humble pie (baked by the good woman at home) and, to finish, your dessert choice of pound cake or snow pudding.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats at all times. Failure to do so will result in a stern look from me, Jake Pavelka, pilot and Hollywood star.
And please, ladies and gentlemen, no interrupting me while I am speaking or I may be forced to come out of the cockpit and raise my hand to you. Please listen attentively and just let me get out my side of the announcement.
At any time, should cabin pressure change, please attempt to appear normal.
We may experience some turbulence along the way but, ladies and gentlemen, I wish to remind you that this is no reason to undermine me, Jake Pavelka, your reality star pilot.
On behalf of the crew -- uh, actually, who gives a *&!@ about the crew, ladies and gentlemen -- on behalf of me, Jake Pavelka, we hope you enjoy your fright today on Air Narcissus.