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Thread: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

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    The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    Dear ABC, you owe me one hour, forty-five minutes of my life back. Dear Tahiti Tourism Board, please book me a room at one of those thatched roof huts that are seemingly everywhere, but first explain to me how the plumbing works. And last, but not least, dear readers, I hope you did not indulge in the Bachelor/ette drinking game, as I do not want hospital emergency rooms over-run by acute alcohol poisoning due to the repeated cry of “amazing” and “journey”. I’d rather hear “guard” and “protect” again, at this point.

    The most amazing days with Ali’s amazing family.

    Before Ali introduces her two final bachelors to her family, she thinks back on her journey around the world to find love. Of course, it’s been an amazing, if not difficult, journey. She sums up Roberto as a sweet, genuine guy who makes her feel like a woman; she knew she was falling in love with him when she woke up next to him on the fantasy suite date. There’s a lot of subtext to explore there, but this is a PG-13 site, so will skip that analysis. Chris, on the other hand, is a great friend, a big old teddy bear, and maybe she’s starting to fall in love with him. Right there, let’s skip to the end, shall we?

    Okay, maybe I won’t, just so I can pile in some more snark because that’s what drew me to the FoRT all those years ago, lurking during Andrew’s season and I do like to carry on some traditions. First up to meet the family is Roberto; he’s nervous because these people could be his in-laws. Roberto meets Ali’s parents, brother, and sister in one of the thatched roof huts. I don’t know if Ali’s parents were on the Jake season—I quit watching it before she left—but they come off pretty composed and natural on television. The problem with that is they come off kind of boring too—no dead birds, no guns, nothing of the sort. Plus, they’re at the resort, so we can’t even see if they have kooky decorations at their house.

    So the day goes with little event. Roberto gets the family salsa dancing, he tells each family member that Ali is amazing and he wants to make her happy, and he asks Ali’s dad for permission to propose. Ali’s dad seems to be okay with the idea, but you can just tell he’s thinking it’s nuts to get engaged after six weeks of dating multiple men. What passes for kooky this day is that Ali’s mom sits down with Roberto, tears up when she sees how much he cares for Ali, and then tells him his heart is pure, but in Spanish.

    The next day is pretty much the same, but with Chris auditioning to be the groom. He thought to bring a basket of fruit along with him, which was a nice touch. The family is excited that he’s from Cape Cod and it’s strangely coincidental that both his dad and Ali’s dad are from Montreal and taught in high schools. Ali’s mom then asks about Chris’ mom, and here we are back with the deceased mother talk. However, this time I don’t blame Chris—Ali’s mom peppers him with question after question and I don’t think Chris is that great of an actor to feign that much discomfort.

    Once Ali’s mom was done trying to make Chris cry, he talks to the siblings and flat-out states he is going to propose to Ali in three days. This leads to another talk with Ali’s dad asking for “her hand in marriage.” Hmmm, my calendar says it’s 2010, but maybe Tahiti lives in a different century. Nevertheless, Ali’s dad “sure, whtevs” his response and then the whole group jumps into the water from the deck of the hut.

    Ali is still feeling a little conflicted, because both guys are pretty amazingly great, but her journey must end with the right amazing guy for her. She sits down with her family; on the one hand, Roberto makes her feel calm and he’s so damn hot, but Chris is a great guy too, though not as perfect as Robert. Ali’s dad lobbies hard for Roberto, but her siblings are pro-Chris and his willingness to propose.

    Not a chance.

    Up to this point, the show has just drug on and on for me, and there are still the last chance dates to get through. Roberto starts off his day with Ali by thinking he needs to figure out if she’s 100% into him; he doesn’t think about what goes on when she’s with Chris. Then again, Roberto never came off as a great thinker anyway. The couple sets out in the water on a jet ski, and Ali waxes poetic that one of the reasons she likes him so much is that he’s fearless and likes to do dangerous stuff. When they alight from their jet ski and hang out with a bunch of stingrays, Ali freaks out when they touch her. She finally quits her shrieking when Roberto calms her down and eventually they’re both feeding the stingrays what may have been shrimp.

    Someone break out the crackers, because the cheese is on its way. Ali and Roberto then lunch on the beach of a deserted island. It really is beautiful, but they gush on and on about how much more beautiful it is since they’re both there with someone they want to be with. Ali is amazed that someone this amazingly hot and sexy could be hers. She’s not seeing the same Groucho Marx eyebrowed, sweaty dude I see on my screen, but to each his or her own. Then, amazingly (naturally) it starts to rain out of nowhere. What do these two do but go into the water to make out in the water during a rainstorm. Yes, they didn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain. Perhaps it is a real match after all.

    Eventually they go back to the resort area, get cleaned up, and have some dinner. Ali’s plan for dinner is to get Roberto to open up more to see where he stands so she starts out by talking about their amazing journey, their amazing (and her favorite) date that was earlier in the day, with all that amazing rain. Maybe it’s hot in the room from all the candles, because Roberto is sweating again. She asks him if she’s his type because he’s so perfect and hot (at least literally, with all the sweating) and she can’t believe he’s into her. He lures her to the bed with a present—mind out of the gutters, folks—and gives her a framed picture of the two of them at the heart-shaped lagoon. It also has an inscription on the back about, you guessed it, their amazing journey. He then admits he is falling in love with her, which ends up in lots of giggling and kissing. She finally heard what she wanted to hear and feels safe in their relationship. Ali doesn’t want to leave Roberto’s room and see Chris the next day.

    The next morning, Chris is positively beaming with expectation for his last date with Ali before he proposes. He is ready to get married, find true love, and get down with having a great life. I’m ready for Chris to stop talking, and he eventually does when Ali arrives to—rut-row—no musical cue. She hugs him and tells him they have to talk. She says she’s in a weird place because her family loved him, she really likes hanging out with him, and thinks he’s a great guy, but…. Chris gets the ton of bricks that just fell on him, but Ali doesn’t speak directly. After a bit, she says she’s in love with someone else and wants to let him go now rather than putting him through the agony of a rose ceremony. Chris is, at long last, speechless. She again says she didn’t want to make him go through the date and the rose ceremony knowing she was going to pick Roberto. He thanks her for that, and really, it is a nicer way to go out than to make him pick a ring, get down on one knee, and then be kicked to the curb. He wishes her good luck, tries not to cry, and Ali leaves.

    Ali appears to be broken up at having to send Chris home, but knows it is the right thing to do. Chris is upset and leans against a balcony but does not cry bitterly; he’s not only saved face by not being rejected at the rose ceremony but also by having the good sense to not pull a Mesnick. As he looks out to the ocean, he sees a rainbow, which he knows is his mom smiling down on him. He packs up his suitcases and heads out, promising to keep looking for the right woman.

    Please, just shut up and offer the damn rose already!

    At long last, the day of the final rose ceremony arrives; Ali knows she can’t love more than one man and she loves Roberto, though she has no clue what she did to deserve such a perfect guy. Roberto acts contemplative, though it feels a bit scripted—is this the right thing to do, he wonders. A man with a metal briefcase of engagement rings arrives (I half-expected him to cuff the briefcase to his writ) and Roberto looks at rings. He picks out a sparkly one, with diamonds all around the band. Roberto then gets ready for his big moment, with gratuitous shots of him showering included for the ladies watching. Ali gets ready too—no shower shots of her—and puts on a dress with the aid of some mystery guy. Who is that guy, and what’s his story? Couldn’t they get a lady PA to help her into the dress? The dress is a long soft yellow dress with loads of fabric flowing out. She makes it to the perch of the rose ceremony and I am impressed she didn’t trip on it. I would have.

    Ali stands on the platform waiting for what seems to be six hours for Roberto to arrive via boat. I never chose to grow old with these people, yet it seems years have gone by since I started watching this episode alone. Finally Roberto’s boat docks and Chris escorts him to yet another endless staircase. A few more centuries later, Roberto arrives at the platform and they embrace. Ali is smiling so much it’s making my cheeks hurt. Roberto then launches into one of his long, winding speeches that can be summarized by saying he’s hot for Ali and is following his heart. Kasey pops out from behind a tree and admonishes Ali to please always guard and protect Roberto’s heart, then pops away quick as a bunny. Okay, maybe that didn’t happen, but it really should have.

    Sweaty Roberto goes on and on about unconditional love and wanting to be the man Ali wakes up with every day, knowing she’s loved. He wants to grow old with her, but for me it’s too late. I’m officially 90 now. Now dripping with sweat, Roberto bends down to propose. She accepts, and they squeeze the ring on her finger. She tells him he’s the only guy there and, after an unduly long montage to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” (mute-button pressing moment of the evening), Ali finally gives Roberto the last rose by asking him to accept it in Spanish. The show closes with a montage of footage from earlier this very episode which just tells me they ran out of gushy, kissy clips and maybe, just maybe, at some point these people actually talked about real stuff, shared anecdotes, childhood memories, told a joke, discovered their political, religious, and ideological commonalities, or some of those other crazy things that are perhaps more important in a relationship than how hot one looks in swimwear.

    It’s been a fun, amazing journey this go-around. I really don’t hate these people, but they’re just so easy to make fun of. And look at that, I made it all season without mentioning those terrible extensions Ali has. Ooops!

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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    excellent recap, PG. It was a fun season to share with you. I loved this part of your recap (and wished that the episode had something half this interesting happen):
    Kasey pops out from behind a tree and admonishes Ali to please always guard and protect Roberto’s heart, then pops away quick as a bunny. Okay, maybe that didn’t happen, but it really should have.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    I just have to say that was an AMAZING recap. It went down just as you said it did.
    Love is the only reality.~Chris L.

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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    Funny recap! It really did seem as if the episode dragged on for years. But the show has good ratings, so of course they drag it out as much as possible. To me, one of the main things that stood out in this episode was when Roberto and Ali were kissing at the time of the proposal, sweat was pouring down Roberto's face... yet Ali happily kissed him back anyway.

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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    Loved your post PG...it was way better than the actual 2 hours which seemed like 4.....thanks!!

  6. #6
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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    phonegrrrl, thank you for the beautifully written postings this season-you made me actually watch a show or two!

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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    [QUOTE=PhoneGrrrl;4023150;].
    Maybe it’s hot in the room from all the candles, because Roberto is sweating again.
    QUOTE]

    Priceless! Thanks for the recaps!
    Stay tuned for "Dancing with the Dancers"!

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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    Quote Originally Posted by PhoneGrrrl;4023150;
    Dear ABC, you owe me one hour, forty-five minutes of my life back. Dear Tahiti Tourism Board, please book me a room at one of those thatched roof huts that are seemingly everywhere, but first explain to me how the plumbing works. And last, but not least, dear readers, I hope you did not indulge in the Bachelor/ette drinking game, as I do not want hospital emergency rooms over-run by acute alcohol poisoning due to the repeated cry of “amazing” and “journey”. I’d rather hear “guard” and “protect” again, at this point.

    The most amazing days with Ali’s amazing family.

    Before Ali introduces her two final bachelors to her family, she thinks back on her journey around the world to find love. Of course, it’s been an amazing, if not difficult, journey. She sums up Roberto as a sweet, genuine guy who makes her feel like a woman; she knew she was falling in love with him when she woke up next to him on the fantasy suite date. There’s a lot of subtext to explore there, but this is a PG-13 site, so will skip that analysis. Chris, on the other hand, is a great friend, a big old teddy bear, and maybe she’s starting to fall in love with him. Right there, let’s skip to the end, shall we?

    Okay, maybe I won’t, just so I can pile in some more snark because that’s what drew me to the FoRT all those years ago, lurking during Andrew’s season and I do like to carry on some traditions. First up to meet the family is Roberto; he’s nervous because these people could be his in-laws. Roberto meets Ali’s parents, brother, and sister in one of the thatched roof huts. I don’t know if Ali’s parents were on the Jake season—I quit watching it before she left—but they come off pretty composed and natural on television. The problem with that is they come off kind of boring too—no dead birds, no guns, nothing of the sort. Plus, they’re at the resort, so we can’t even see if they have kooky decorations at their house.

    So the day goes with little event. Roberto gets the family salsa dancing, he tells each family member that Ali is amazing and he wants to make her happy, and he asks Ali’s dad for permission to propose. Ali’s dad seems to be okay with the idea, but you can just tell he’s thinking it’s nuts to get engaged after six weeks of dating multiple men. What passes for kooky this day is that Ali’s mom sits down with Roberto, tears up when she sees how much he cares for Ali, and then tells him his heart is pure, but in Spanish.

    The next day is pretty much the same, but with Chris auditioning to be the groom. He thought to bring a basket of fruit along with him, which was a nice touch. The family is excited that he’s from Cape Cod and it’s strangely coincidental that both his dad and Ali’s dad are from Montreal and taught in high schools. Ali’s mom then asks about Chris’ mom, and here we are back with the deceased mother talk. However, this time I don’t blame Chris—Ali’s mom peppers him with question after question and I don’t think Chris is that great of an actor to feign that much discomfort.

    Once Ali’s mom was done trying to make Chris cry, he talks to the siblings and flat-out states he is going to propose to Ali in three days. This leads to another talk with Ali’s dad asking for “her hand in marriage.” Hmmm, my calendar says it’s 2010, but maybe Tahiti lives in a different century. Nevertheless, Ali’s dad “sure, whtevs” his response and then the whole group jumps into the water from the deck of the hut.

    Ali is still feeling a little conflicted, because both guys are pretty amazingly great, but her journey must end with the right amazing guy for her. She sits down with her family; on the one hand, Roberto makes her feel calm and he’s so damn hot, but Chris is a great guy too, though not as perfect as Robert. Ali’s dad lobbies hard for Roberto, but her siblings are pro-Chris and his willingness to propose.

    Not a chance.

    Up to this point, the show has just drug on and on for me, and there are still the last chance dates to get through. Roberto starts off his day with Ali by thinking he needs to figure out if she’s 100% into him; he doesn’t think about what goes on when she’s with Chris. Then again, Roberto never came off as a great thinker anyway. The couple sets out in the water on a jet ski, and Ali waxes poetic that one of the reasons she likes him so much is that he’s fearless and likes to do dangerous stuff. When they alight from their jet ski and hang out with a bunch of stingrays, Ali freaks out when they touch her. She finally quits her shrieking when Roberto calms her down and eventually they’re both feeding the stingrays what may have been shrimp.

    Someone break out the crackers, because the cheese is on its way. Ali and Roberto then lunch on the beach of a deserted island. It really is beautiful, but they gush on and on about how much more beautiful it is since they’re both there with someone they want to be with. Ali is amazed that someone this amazingly hot and sexy could be hers. She’s not seeing the same Groucho Marx eyebrowed, sweaty dude I see on my screen, but to each his or her own. Then, amazingly (naturally) it starts to rain out of nowhere. What do these two do but go into the water to make out in the water during a rainstorm. Yes, they didn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain. Perhaps it is a real match after all.

    Eventually they go back to the resort area, get cleaned up, and have some dinner. Ali’s plan for dinner is to get Roberto to open up more to see where he stands so she starts out by talking about their amazing journey, their amazing (and her favorite) date that was earlier in the day, with all that amazing rain. Maybe it’s hot in the room from all the candles, because Roberto is sweating again. She asks him if she’s his type because he’s so perfect and hot (at least literally, with all the sweating) and she can’t believe he’s into her. He lures her to the bed with a present—mind out of the gutters, folks—and gives her a framed picture of the two of them at the heart-shaped lagoon. It also has an inscription on the back about, you guessed it, their amazing journey. He then admits he is falling in love with her, which ends up in lots of giggling and kissing. She finally heard what she wanted to hear and feels safe in their relationship. Ali doesn’t want to leave Roberto’s room and see Chris the next day.

    The next morning, Chris is positively beaming with expectation for his last date with Ali before he proposes. He is ready to get married, find true love, and get down with having a great life. I’m ready for Chris to stop talking, and he eventually does when Ali arrives to—rut-row—no musical cue. She hugs him and tells him they have to talk. She says she’s in a weird place because her family loved him, she really likes hanging out with him, and thinks he’s a great guy, but…. Chris gets the ton of bricks that just fell on him, but Ali doesn’t speak directly. After a bit, she says she’s in love with someone else and wants to let him go now rather than putting him through the agony of a rose ceremony. Chris is, at long last, speechless. She again says she didn’t want to make him go through the date and the rose ceremony knowing she was going to pick Roberto. He thanks her for that, and really, it is a nicer way to go out than to make him pick a ring, get down on one knee, and then be kicked to the curb. He wishes her good luck, tries not to cry, and Ali leaves.

    Ali appears to be broken up at having to send Chris home, but knows it is the right thing to do. Chris is upset and leans against a balcony but does not cry bitterly; he’s not only saved face by not being rejected at the rose ceremony but also by having the good sense to not pull a Mesnick. As he looks out to the ocean, he sees a rainbow, which he knows is his mom smiling down on him. He packs up his suitcases and heads out, promising to keep looking for the right woman.

    Please, just shut up and offer the damn rose already!

    At long last, the day of the final rose ceremony arrives; Ali knows she can’t love more than one man and she loves Roberto, though she has no clue what she did to deserve such a perfect guy. Roberto acts contemplative, though it feels a bit scripted—is this the right thing to do, he wonders. A man with a metal briefcase of engagement rings arrives (I half-expected him to cuff the briefcase to his writ) and Roberto looks at rings. He picks out a sparkly one, with diamonds all around the band. Roberto then gets ready for his big moment, with gratuitous shots of him showering included for the ladies watching. Ali gets ready too—no shower shots of her—and puts on a dress with the aid of some mystery guy. Who is that guy, and what’s his story? Couldn’t they get a lady PA to help her into the dress? The dress is a long soft yellow dress with loads of fabric flowing out. She makes it to the perch of the rose ceremony and I am impressed she didn’t trip on it. I would have.

    Ali stands on the platform waiting for what seems to be six hours for Roberto to arrive via boat. I never chose to grow old with these people, yet it seems years have gone by since I started watching this episode alone. Finally Roberto’s boat docks and Chris escorts him to yet another endless staircase. A few more centuries later, Roberto arrives at the platform and they embrace. Ali is smiling so much it’s making my cheeks hurt. Roberto then launches into one of his long, winding speeches that can be summarized by saying he’s hot for Ali and is following his heart. Kasey pops out from behind a tree and admonishes Ali to please always guard and protect Roberto’s heart, then pops away quick as a bunny. Okay, maybe that didn’t happen, but it really should have.

    Sweaty Roberto goes on and on about unconditional love and wanting to be the man Ali wakes up with every day, knowing she’s loved. He wants to grow old with her, but for me it’s too late. I’m officially 90 now. Now dripping with sweat, Roberto bends down to propose. She accepts, and they squeeze the ring on her finger. She tells him he’s the only guy there and, after an unduly long montage to “Can You Feel the Love Tonight” (mute-button pressing moment of the evening), Ali finally gives Roberto the last rose by asking him to accept it in Spanish. The show closes with a montage of footage from earlier this very episode which just tells me they ran out of gushy, kissy clips and maybe, just maybe, at some point these people actually talked about real stuff, shared anecdotes, childhood memories, told a joke, discovered their political, religious, and ideological commonalities, or some of those other crazy things that are perhaps more important in a relationship than how hot one looks in swimwear.

    It’s been a fun, amazing journey this go-around. I really don’t hate these people, but they’re just so easy to make fun of. And look at that, I made it all season without mentioning those terrible extensions Ali has. Ooops!
    I'm sorry you feel you wasted your time....

  9. #9
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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    Quote Originally Posted by bachelorwatcher;4023338;
    Funny recap! It really did seem as if the episode dragged on for years. But the show has good ratings, so of course they drag it out as much as possible. To me, one of the main things that stood out in this episode was when Roberto and Ali were kissing at the time of the proposal, sweat was pouring down Roberto's face... yet Ali happily kissed him back anyway.
    I say kissing a man while sweat is running down his face is a sure sign that this will be a lasting union.

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    Re: The Bachelorette Finale Recap: Bora Boring

    I see Ali & Roberto as I see Jillian & ED.-->

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